I am at a lose. I have a newer baby and a child in grade school. My DH is selfish and close minded and only always thinks about what is best for him.

I am a SAHM he brings in the only income for right now and he says since he works and I don't that he should be able to go out every weekend with the guys and I should be fine with it. He drinks every weekend and never ever helps with the baby.

We were suppose to go out as a family tonight but his buddy called and needs his help (needs a ride to and from somewhere) So I said take the baby with you. But no he says he cannot do that how is it fair to the baby to be stuck in the car for a few hours. Yes that is true but how is it fair to me to be with both kids 24/7 and never get a minute break. So of course he plans to drop us and is helping the buddy. So again I have both kids. He tells me make plans go out but in the next breath he says he won't stay home with the baby so how do I make plans. Even though to me plans are something with my family and my friends and their families not without them.

We fight all of the time about this because I am tired of being taken advantage of. He was at my parents house (2 minute away) last weekend helping my dad 2 hours after he left there he still wasn't home I finally found him around the block with his buddies drunk he came home at 9pm stumbled down the hall to the bathroom got sick passed out in bed until 1am got up ate and came to bed expecting sex cause he was in the mood. Telling me he loves me and always will.

How can he love me when he treats me this way all of the time. No respect what he wants he does and he gets no matter what I think or feel.

Counseling is out we cannot afford it I try to talk to him and he tells me I am a nag and that I bit** to much and that is why he is the way he is. I know that is not true but I don't know what to do anymore. I want this to work we have been together for 10 yrs. But to be honest with you I am tired of trying and getting no where.

By Emily7 on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 04:01 pm:

This is something that I think all people fight about. My dh works & I am SAHM, I say he is lucky because he gets to get a change of pace. He thinks that going to work doesn't count. I hear about how everyone else gets to go & do things, but not him. Which is not true. He can do a million things for everyone but me. Have you tried to talk to him? When was the last time you went out together? Have you tried putting on your shoes, grabbing the keys, & saying the baby has been fed I'll be back in a couple of hours? Its not called babysitting when the baby has 1/2 your genes!

By Coopaveryben on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 04:21 pm:

I don't think this is a normal thing! My DH does play in a band with his friends but he wants to do things with us too, not to mention he is more than happy if I meet a friend for dinner or shopping. We don't really drink because that just doesn't interest me anymore and it never has him so I can't understand that.

I could be wrong but he sounds abusive, definetely mental but I am questioning physical? I can't imagine a DH that would call you a Bi**, that is totally unacceptable. It also sounds like he is very young.

I wish you the best and whatever you decide I don't blame you, you shouldn't have to beg someone to be a part or your life and your children's.

By Amecmom on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 04:22 pm:

Please don't take offense to this, and if you think I'm out of line, then just say so. Do you trust your husband to watch the kids? It sounds to me as though he does not have the responsibility needed to be in charge of your children. What would happen if you went out and he got drunk while taking care of the children, or if he had his buddies over, or if one of them called for help and he took the children into an unsavory situation?
We all need Mom Time. Is there a relative or friend who can watch the baby while you older child is in school for a few hours while you go out? Could you hire a babysitter? Is your little one old enough for a preschool program?

I know this does not help the situation between you and your husband, but maybe by getting some time to yourself, you'll be in a better frame of mind to cope with your relationship.

Hugs and prayers for strength.
Ame

By Anonymous on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 05:26 pm:

You said the two of you have been together for 10 years. What is the history of those ten years? Has your DH always been like this? If yes, then I highly doubt he will change. JMHO but it would be wise to end the relationship and do whatever you need to start a better life for you and your kids. Easier said than done, of course, but well worth it in the long run. Sorry if I'm being blunt but a good friend of mine has been in a similar situation for 20 years. (I'm posting Anon out of respect for her.) She has been miserable for a looong time but was always *hoping* things would get better. She finally realized he will NOT change and initiated a separation and filed for divorce. Things aren't easy but she is HAPPY without him. {{{HUGS}}}

By Feona on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 06:45 pm:

I would say he gets out or stop drinking. No compromise on that.

By Emily7 on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 07:09 pm:

I didn't make myself clear, I do not feel that the drinking is "normal". What I meant to say is that I think all couples have disagreements over when & if they get time to themselves.

I feel that it is very important that every family has time set aside each week for just the family. No interuptions, we try to make ours on Sundays. I also feel that each person have time that they get an hour or two to do something for themselves.

I agree that if the drinking is a huge problem you let him know that it is not acceptable. Especially if it is more important than your family to him.

You said that counseling is not an option, because of finances, however if you belong to a church you can talk to your minister. Our community hospital has a program that allows low income people to get affordable if not free counseling.

I don't believe in staying married for the children, but you need to make sure this is what you both want. Lay your cards on the table & let him know that this is how his behavior is affecting you. Let him know that you are tired of this & he needs to decide what is important to him. But before you do this make sure it is what you want. If you say that you are going to leave if things don't change and then stay things will just get worse.

By Mommyof4 on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 07:58 pm:

Stop enabling his behavior. You and your children deserve better than what he is giving...tell him so in no uncertain terms and if he doesn't like it then he has made his choice. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I can tell you that it was not a good childhood. My father treated my mother in much the same way it sounds like your dh is treating you.
My father decided to bring his drinking back out of the closet this past Christmas at our family gathering and it was very empowering for me to be able to tell him that I found his behavior unacceptable and would take my family and leave if he did not stop. My mother has spent 40 years hoping he will change but continuing to allow him to do as he wants. Please don't let that happen to you or your kids.

By Bobbie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 09:59 pm:

Time for you to do some soul searching and look deeply into your marriage. We aren't there to know what your DH does. But It sounds to me that Mommyof4 hit the nail on the head. I to know a few alcoholics and that is exactly the same crap they pull on their wives. Alcoholics play mind games and blame everyone but themselves for the things that happen in their lives. And those are his kids, keeping them for a couple of hours isn't babysitting. But if he has an issue with drinking not leaving them with him might not be a bad thing.

By Coopaveryben on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:24 pm:

About help, most areas of the country have support groups (free) for co-dependents, I think you would get a lot of visiting one of these groups. We had to go to one when I was in college for one of my classes and I learned so much. If you look in your local paper it is usually listd in the classifieds as CDO. Just a thought.

By Bobbie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:33 pm:

Yeah I agree... I suggest you contact you local Mental health center. They run under Government funding and generally cost very little to nothing depending on your income. (our local one is like $10 a session, a lot cheaper than a DR office) Call your local health department they should be able to give you the phone number if you can't locate it in the phone book on your own. And I would also look into a support group for families of Alcoholics/Addicts or something of that nature. I think it would do you some good to hear their stories.

By Momaroze on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:35 pm:

Mommyof4 and Bobbie are so right. "Alcoholics play mind games and blame everyone but themselves". Is there a support group that you can seek out that is free. I know around here there are all sorts of free programs for the ladies and or gent's who are in the same boat as you. This is going to take some strength and courage on your part and as Bobbie said "do some soul searching" truly this is not going to get better on it's own or overnight. He clearly needs to quit drinking. The drug always comes before anything else....that is the addiction!
Hopefully he will realize this BEFORE it is to late. Don't second guess yourself or let him throw the guilt. What do you want for your child(ren)? I don't know your situation fully but I am really hoping you are not alone on this one.

Hugs Hugs Hugs.....

By Mommmie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:36 pm:

I'm really sorry for your troubles. I wouldn't blame you for leaving.

There's a good book called The Price of Motherhood by Ann Crittenden and it has a chapter called The Dark Little Secret of Family Life. It talks about when the man makes the money and the wife is a SAHM a lot of the money goes towards the dad's stuff - beer, gambling, going out, an expensive hobby. When the mom makes money she tends to spend more of it on her children. And, of course, the person who makes the money has the control. Apparently, your issue is a common one, which doesn't help you much, I know.

It's a good read - neither pro or con on the work or SAHM issue, just spells out the cost of being a mother.

By Momaroze on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:45 pm:

BTW, IMO, every healthy marriage has it's issues and ups and downs. But nothing like what you describe your marriage is. Believe me I hate divorce but do believe that you can do more damage to yourself and your kids by staying in a abusive relationship. Wish you well and hope things will work out for the better. Really hoping your marriage can be salvaged.

By Mommyathome on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 12:29 am:

You and your children definitely deserve better than what you are getting.
I wouldn't put up with the drinking. That would have to go, or I would. It causes way too many problems IMO.
It doesn't really sound like he's into being a husband and father. Does he know how you feel about the situation?
Sometimes men have tunnel vision and can only see what is right in front of them. Sometimes it takes a good heart to heart to get them to realize that there is a problem.
Free counseling is available through various churches as well as state facilities (mental health etc.)
((((hugs))))
I hope that things work out for you.

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 02:02 am:

I've got only hugs and support. The breakdown of a marriage can be hard, and I can completely understand where you are right now. I really can't give any advice, just know that we are always available for support here. And all the advice the other moms have given is excellent. Take care of yourself and your children, and remember that people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. Good luck... and major hugs!!!!

By Ladypeacek on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 03:22 am:

There is better ways to deal with things than to just accept it. i also would not trust him with the kids, especially if he resents doing it. I don't know about this being an issue for most though. My dh is in the military and i am also a sahm and we have never had this arguement! He totally gets that i go nuts being with the kids so often and alot of time he sees i need a break before i do so he plans a day out for me. As for drinking, there is nothing you can do to stop him, not if he doesn't want to so if it bothers you that much you need to get out and take your kids with you! I hope it all works out for you! ((((HUGS))))

By Feona on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 05:54 am:

I just wanted to add that my grandfather was an alcholic who just drank on the weekends. He drove a gas truck during the week during the war so if he drank during the week he would fired.

I can't tell you how screwed up the three daughters were from that family. Buying everyone drinks and his family lived in a one bed room cold water flat (4 kids)

By Emily7 on Sunday, May 9, 2004 - 11:40 pm:

I was just posting to see how everything is going!

By Momaroze on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 07:09 pm:

Ditto Emily.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 10:33 am:

As of right now things are not worse but not super better. We had a long talk about drinking and things and I told him that I was finished with it and he had to choose. Thank you ladies for all of your advice I am taking it all in and I am determined that if he is not willing to change for us then we are better off without him.

And to some one who asked about abuse no there is nothing physical only the mental and only towards me. And yes I kow the kids see it so it affects them too but no more. THank you ladies.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 11:42 am:

Mental is sometimes worse than physical and can sometimes lead to physical. Please be careful & be strong. I will keep you in my thoughts. Keep us posted!

By Bobbie on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 11:34 pm:

Emily is right. With a drinker you need to watch how far into a corner you push them. Because when he drinks he isn't in his right mind. If you push him to far he may lash out. People (women do it too) that beat on their spouses don't wake up one day and decide today is the day. It happens in a heated moment and because it is so easy and they get the response they want they do it again and again until you have had enough and leave or something worse happens. I suggest that you try to do your confronting of his issues when he is sober. When he isn't try to avoid pushing him too far.. You need to try to lead more with your head and less with your heart if he is drinking.


Big hugs to you and stay safe.....