I am new to this board and I need some advice, quick!! I have a 27 yr old step daughter that has 3 kids, all under 5. Me and her father have 2 kids, age 3 and 1. Here is the problem. My step daughter and I get along pretty well, although I totally disagree with how she lives her life and how she raises her kids. Her and her lazy husband is living in a home now with 5 other people that I know do drugs. Well Childrens Welfair found out about this and is going to take the kids away. She has called my husband (her father) a dozen of time in the past 2 days wanting him to do something. We don't know what to do. I am a stay at home mom and we do ok money wise, but we cannot afford to take on another 5 people in our little 3 bedroom house. We can't even take the kids, because we cannot afford it! To be honest I don't know if I could handle taking care of 5 kids under the age of 5. I feel so guilty, because we do go to church and we try our best to raise our babies right, and I know that I should help, but I feel like they are not helping themselves, I would never allow my children in a home with drugs! Neither parent has worked in over a year. Simply because they are lazy. What should we do. I know my husband is eaten up with guilt over not helping. We have helped them alot over the past year with money, like paying for their car note, or insurance, we bought them Christmas for the kids. Are we being awful people? What if these kids are taken away?

By Eve on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 02:51 pm:

You are in a tough spot! If the biggest concern in taking the kids is money, could you ask for a little support from your church community? I just don't think I could let the kids go into Foster care, even if it was temporary. I know, easier said than done since I'm not in this situation.

On one hand I feel like this is your step daughter's problem, and she needs to fix it. On the other hand, I feel awful that these kids will be the ones to really suffer.

Could you be set up as a temporary foster home, and then recieve help paying for the kids?

Where is your step daughter's Mother? Is there any family that could step in? Does anyone have a basement that could be set up as an apartment?

I hope things work out for the best. I hope you also get some better advice. I know I wasn't much help. I'm sorry.

By Ladypeacek on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 03:05 pm:

Yes you really are in a tough spot. It would be an easy choice to let her work her own problems out if the kids wer enot involved. In my opinion the kids need to be taken away. She will not ever take care of them if she isn't made to. Its sad that she cares so little that she got in this situation. 5 kids under 5 would be almost unbearble i am sure without even worrying about the money. I agree with Eve though about talking to the church to see if they have some advice or could help you. Help the children as much as you can but i would not help the parents if you can help it, they need to get out of this on their own!

By Amecmom on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 03:09 pm:

Wow, this is a tough one. I hate to say it, but this may be the push your daughter in law needs to wake up and change her life. You've helped her along as best you can. You cannot turn your life, or your husband's, upside down to rescue her. I feel terrible for the children, because they are the ones who will be hurt, no matter what happens.
In the end, only you and your husband can make the tough choices that need to be made. If you are honestly not able financially and otherwise, to handle an extra three children under the age of five, then no, I do not think you are being awful.
But, ask yourself this. If the parents had met with some tragedy, would you feel differently about taking the kids in? If so, then don't turn away the kids to punish the parents for not being responsible people.
I'll pray for you and your situation in the hopes that you can find some decision that is good for everyone concerned. Hugs and support to you, whatever you decide.
Ame

By Emily7 on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 03:16 pm:

When I had to take in a friends kids I recieved help from the state. You may want to see if this is an option. I would also tell your step-daughter that you would only take them for a certain amount of time. Tell her you expect that she not only get a job but that she take parenting classes as well. Her husband needs to do this too. I would also be concerned that if she is living in a home that has drug use in it, that either she or her husand, if not both, are using as well. I don't even allow smoking near my children, I can't imagine allowing drugs.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 05:27 pm:

ABsolutely you don't offer housing to the adults. If you can get help from the state, both with money and with doctor bills, etc., then maybe - just maybe - you could consider taking the kids.

But I hear you saying you don't think you want to try to handle five children under 5 - and I do understand that. Talk to the social worker at the youth service agency and find out if maybe they can pay for head start or pre-school for at least some of the children - that would get them out of the house and in a safe, controlled environment several hours a day during the week.

But you are still left with only a three bedroom house.

I wish there was some magic wand we could wave to solve this for you, but in the end you know your limits, and I urge you and your dh to talk this over very carefully, maybe seek some quick short-term counseling, before you make any decisions.

If it were me I would definitely not offer any money to any of them. You know it will just go for drugs or booze or be shared with the other adult (?) members of that household, and I don't see any reason for your hard working husband and you to support a lifestyle and habits/vices you don't approve of. And I see no reason for you to feel guilty about it.

Since she is your dh's stepdaughter, where are her biological parents - at least her mother? Are they offering any help in any way? I don't see any good reason why it should all fall on you other than that you and your dh have been the ones responding so far. I respectfully and sympathetically suggest it is time for you to stop helping them until they start helping themselves. If she really doesn't want to lose her children she will take immediate steps to change her lifestyle and begin behaving responsibly. Until she does that, nothing else will make any difference.

By Feona on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 06:26 pm:

If you really can't take the children, I wouldn't get upset about it. Perhaps you can take 1 or 2? If you can't then I would not feel bad about it. I am sure the kids will go to a good home.

I think foster care would pay you to take the kids - $600-$1,800 a month depending on where you live.

I think it is called family foster care.

If any of the kids receive special services like speech or is hyperactive than it might be more significantly money.

I wouldn't take the parents in too. I think they need to learn a lesson.

I have heard of this happening alot with grandparents taking in grand kids and the foster care paying them. Call social services and find out. Perhaps the money would help you change your mind. Rather see the kids with you that strangers.

Children in foster care get medicare so you wouldn't have to worry about medical care. Ask what sort of child care the kids would be entitled to during the day. (Might help if they go to school for 3/4 of the day.)


The same thing happened to my grandmother in Scotland. Her sister died and left 12 kids to a drunken dad.(She slipped an fell in the bathtub while pregnant and died.) The lost all 12 kids to the orphanage. Grandma was willing to just take the baby, but for some reason she didn't take the baby. She had three or four kids in 1 bedroom apartment at the time.(She had her own drunk) All the kids went to the orphanage.

By Kernkate on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 12:12 am:

All good advice above...best of luck to you. As all the above post said you are in a tough spot

By Eight_Kids on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 08:03 am:

I can't say I've been in your shoes, I CAN say I have probably been closer to the 27yo shoes....my mother and I were just talking about this the other day....she was saying how hard it was to leave her daughter with all of her belongings in a garbage bag and nowhere to go and just drive away.....I thanked her for doing just that. If my mother had not played the "tough love" role I honestly don't know if I would have ever gotton my *%$# together.I was never in a position where they were going to take my kids, but I did call my mom once to ask her to take the kids because I had no heat (I think I was deep into a bottle at that point in time) she said no. I managed. I think in a situation where everything is entirely left on one's shoulders to figure out a solution all by yourself is hard but you do what you have to do. I guess since I grew up the way I grew up I am a firm believer in you cannot continue to bail them out. I know if my parents had bailed me out every time I got into trouble or into a tight spot I would not be where I am today.
Hope this helps a little. Good luck.

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 12:33 pm:

I may be too late and I didn't have time to read others reply but...it is a tough situation but these are your grandchildren and I hate the thought of them going to foster care. I wouldn't help the parents but I would take the children.

You said you are christian, pray about it, if God wants those children there it will work out.

I don't think anyone would judge you no matter what you do because this is something you and your DH need to agree and support each other on.

By Bobbie on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 09:45 pm:

If you take in a relative you can get what is called Kinship Care pay through the state. The kids will each receive a certain amount of money a month and they will also get the medical card. So money really shouldn't be the issue. Now how to care for 5 under 5 that is a big issue. BUT they have day care assistance through the State too maybe you can have someone else watch a couple of them for a couple hours a day. Maybe you can talk to the case manager and see what options they could help you with.

We took in my DH's niece. She was a lot older but the system worked with us all the way through it. The case manager told me exactly what I needed to do and how to go about getting it done.

Pray about it and decide from there. Good luck..

By Anonymous on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 - 09:28 am:

A little update… we didn't hear from anyone for a couple of days, but then last night my step daughter called and wanted us to send her some money. She didn't show up for the meeting with Child Welfare because she was just "too tired" and over slept. I talked to my land lord about the idea of having the children and he basically said that there was no way that that many people could live in this house. So I guess, even if we wanted to help, we couldn't. I understand the worries that the land lord would have though. Thank you all for your input, but there are so many more issues other than the money, really. We only have 1 car, my husband works 12 hour shifts (30 minutes out of town). How could I load up that many kids in the car to take him back and forth to work. Plus the step daughter told us last night that she would not let her children go anywhere that she didn't go. What a big mess.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 - 10:45 am:

She isn't going to have a choice if she is missing appointments with Child Protective Services. Does she live in the same city as you? I hate to say this , but are you sure this actually happened & it isn't a way to get more money? They only reason I ask is because I had an Uncle that had his wife call to get money to bail him out of jail...he was never in jail!!!
They needed it to party. My Mom by then had learned not to give it to him.

By Kalensmom on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 11:20 am:

I have just read all the postings...wow, what a tough situation. Although it may be tough, this might be what your Step Daughter needs to "wake up", she needs to take resposnibility for her actions...and take better card of her children. If welfare takes the children, they will be placed in good home...and maybe that will cause your SD to get her "act together"
You and your family will be in my prayers!

By Eve on Thursday, April 22, 2004 - 12:06 pm:

It sounds like having the kids put in Foster Care might be the only option at this point. ((HUGS)) I hope your Step Daughter gets it together very soon! Those children will definately be in my prayers.

By Emily7 on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:06 pm:

Can we get another update????