This week with my step daughter has been he##....her father doesn't help..he thinks I'm too mean to her and just find things to pick at her about.....let me tell you about my week...
Monday was when I found out she had MY underwear on...(who steals their step-mother's underwear) and no it wasn't because she didn't have any clean underwear....she took my hairband in the shower and got it soaking wet (I didn't find this one until I searched the whole house looking for it before I had to go to work) she used my razor (yes we have an entire package of disposables for them) Tuesday before they left for school she and her older sister were in an altercation about the chalkboard in the kitchen. (they draw on it) let me explain.....a few months back my 16 yr old drew some pictures on the chalkboard before I had to take them back to their dad's. The car broke down and I haven't been able to go pick them up since then (Jan 31)......(I'm picking them up this weekend) anyway back to the chalkboard....I told the kids that I wanted it to stay there...I didn't want it erased (maybe it's stupid, but they were Craig's drawings and I wasn't able to pick him up until I didn't know when and it was nice to see his drawings everyday) but underneath his drawings my 17 yr old stepdaughter's boyfriend had written something to her. Her boyfriend lives about 2 to 3 hours away and so that was supposed to stay on the chalkboard also. It got erased Mon night while myself and 17 yr old were at work. It's been there since Dec and Jan!!!!! 12 yr old erased it. So I told her for the time being she was grounded from the chalkboard. (it's a good sized chalkboard and the other 3 kids (12, 11, and 6) had the entire other half to draw on. I thought this was working out great. HA HA!!! But then her father got up (something he RARELY does before they get on the bus....this is apparantly MY job) As soon as he got up the 12 year old ran to him playing victim....I am this horribly mean step mother....he pretty much told her what I said didn't matter and "couldn't I find anything else to pick on her about this morning" (his words exactly....in front of all 4 kids....***??) Wed. morn as soon as she got out of bed she stole a quarter from her 11 yr old sister, called her stupid (not something I allow in my house) told her to shut up (something else I don't allow....be quiet, or leave me alone is probably more appropriate and they know this)and then threw her easter dress on the floor. Last night 17 yr old found easter candy wrappers in the shower......12 yr old.....sorry this is so long but I feel utterly powerless to do ANYTHING about any of it because my Dh thinks I am simply picking at her and being mean.....he doesn't understand that she doesn't act this way anywhere outside of the house or when her father is awake. I mean in the last 3 days I've had to deal with the underwear issue (can you believe NOTHING was said to her about this? And 3 months ago she stole her sister's underwear....)the chalkboard issue, my razor, my hairband, stealing money, calling names.....I realize a lot of this is just normal kid crap but it's from the same kid all the time and nothing is ever done about it. I'm ready to move out and my clueless dh can't seem to figure out why I'm so distant and have nothing to say.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Beth

By Ladypeacek on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 10:01 am:

No problem venting here, we all do it, and it helps!!! I think that you have alot of kids, lol! That in itself is very hard i know but when they make it harder, it can be very frustrating. Your dh doesn't do anything because you don't make him. If he has a problem with letting you discipline them the way you feel is right then make him do it, and i don't mean just ignore them and hope he will. Everytime one of his kids do something wrong tell him and demand he does something. it may not work at first but after a while he will get tired of hearing it and he will do something. This may sound a little childish but it seems thats what he needs, a taste of the medicine you get every day! Merging families is very hard, especially when the children are older. They are much too old now to raise but they are also old enough to understand respect and you need to demand it. You need to demand it from your dh as well. The worse mistake is for him to talk down to you or about you with the children. He is making it worse, he has made you the child and they are the adults. Stop it now before it gets worse. If its not already too late. I hope it all works out!

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 11:13 am:

Beth, I read in your profile that your stepdaughter was molested - is this the one?? If so, she is acting out. Is she in counseling or therapy? With so many kids, you have your hands FULL, and you need your husband's support/backing, 100% on everything. Sounds like the 2 of you need to get together and establish some ground rules regarding behavior, house rules, personal rules, etc. and stick to them and BACK EACH OTHER UP! Even if parents disagree, they should present a united front in front of the kids, discussion of the issue can be done in private. Once kids know you are divided on an issue the door is open for them to play one against the other or just blatantly disobey and disregard the rules.

To begin with I would go with these:
* Respect of everyone in the house, INCLUDING their belongings is mandatory, NOT an option
* You must ask permission to use/borrow someone else's property BEFORE you do it, not after the fact
* Stealing is not tolerated, period.
* Name calling is not tolerated, period.

Molestation issues affect entire families, so family counseling might be a good idea. If nothing else, counseling for you and your DH together would probably help you reach some common ground where all the kids are concerned. And finally, your stepdaughter needs counseling to deal with what happened to her.

Unfortunately, things did not get to this point overnight, so they won't be solved overnight. Baby steps........1 thing at a time.

Good luck!

By Coopaveryben on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 04:07 pm:

Okay, I have come to leave a message several times and turned back ...I can't say if you are over reacting becasue I can't see your reaction. But To me it just sounds like normal 12 year old things, as annoying as they may be. Isn't she new to the house on a full time basis? Perhaps she is just trying to find her place and test the rules a bit. I agree with Karen on setting clear rules for her, I would also clearly outline the consequences of breaking these rules. Before you present them to her I would talk them over with your DH and make certain he is in agreement with them.

As for your husband overridding you in front of your children, well that is a serious thing IMO. How will your children ever listen and be respectful to you if he doesn't reinforce it. I would make sure he knew how serious this is too you.

By Eight_Kids on Friday, April 16, 2004 - 09:24 am:

Yes, this is the same kid that got molested. She's not what I would consider "new"...they have been living here since July of 2002....almost 2 years ago. No, she is not in therapy...we tried putting both her and her younger sister in therapy when they first moved down here if for no other reason than to deal with the issues of moving from your crackhead mothers (yes, she is really a crack head....but 60+ days straight at this point from what I understand) Both girls were very negative about therapy...I think this stems from going to "therapy" with their mother when they lived there. I know from the 17 yr old that the therapy sessions there were censored as not to **** mom off because there would be **** to pay when you got home....not much help in my opinion. Dh asked me last night when I got home from work, well I'd been home about 45 minutes..I'd changed my clothes, put my 6 yr old to bed and was sitting down to eat something...he wanted to show me the kitchen floor (the 11 yr olds chore on Thurs.) and she had done a ******* job and dh wanted to know why I didn't "jump all over" her. I explained to him that I hadn't had a chance to even glance at the floor but if it was done poorly I would not have a problem telling her about it....then I explained to him that I "jump all over" all of them but the 12 yr old is the only one that runs to him and plays victim with "Beth's picking on me again" or whatever...the other two seem to know that I'm right and know they were wrong. It's a fact of life, it happens. I do make it a point to also let them know when they've done a super job doing something else....my parents raised me that critisism is good, but better sandwiched with praise. I try to treat them as fairly as possible. We've talked about counselling as a couple but finances are really really tight right now with his ex not paying any child support....she just quit (or lost) a job she had been at for almost 10 years making $14+ an hour...I hate to say it but the child support really frees a lot of things up!! She lost her job in Feb. and we are still "rebudgeting" so this probably adds to the tension between the two of us....I have thought before that moving out with my 6 yr old is the only way to open dh's eyes and I've told him this. I don't want a divorce, I do love him. I just think if he had to do all of this by himself he would see things in a different light. I won't move out of the school district because I don't want my 6 yr old daughter to have to choose or even remotely feel like she has to "choose" between mom and dad and I don't want an ugly custody battle either. BUT....I get to go pick up my boys today so I'm not even going to think about any of this all weekend!!!!!
One thing I did want to let you know about the therapy thing is we've been told by one therapist that she can't help the 12 yr old because she doesn't want help! What do you do with that???
Gotta go....sorry this is so long...and thanx again...bunches!!!!
Beth

By Ladypeacek on Friday, April 16, 2004 - 10:03 am:

With the therapist that says she can't help if she doesn't want it, what i would do is find a new therapist. A 12 year old doesn't know what she does or does not want. She will talk when she finds someone that she is comportable with. I really feel negative about psychologists now adays. Not about getting therapy but it seems they don't care anymore, its just a paycheck. So you need to find one that is good. I believe there still are some but it takes some research.I had one tell me as a child (8) that my father never cared and never loved me, well she never met him so how in the world would she know and to tell a child that! Have you tried spending any time with each of them one on one? Maybe make a special date with each of them to do something fun, that could open some doors for all of you.

By Coopaveryben on Friday, April 16, 2004 - 05:12 pm:

Beth, were do you live in West Virginia? I live in a small town and there are tons of counseling places that provide therapy based on your situation. I agree with Kenna it is about finding a therapist that she is comfortable enough with, it will take some time for her to build that trust.

We do the one-on-one dates with our kids and it helps a lot. We do it on rotation, he goes with one one week and I stay home and do something with the other two, the next week I go, and so on until they have all had a chance to spend time with us alone. We do whatever they want to do and we can afford that week, sometimes it is a picnic at the park. The point is we get to focus on them completely.

I hope you enjoy your weekend with your boys!

By Irene on Saturday, April 17, 2004 - 12:33 am:

Eight kids! Yikes! You do have your hands full. I agree with most of the above. The only thing I wonder is do you think your husband has a point at all? I agree things shouldn't be borrowed without asking, and respect for everyone in the family is important. But some of the other battles you mentioned, I think you should let go. I don't want to put you on the defensive, and I know it must be hard to be in your shoes. But it's probably hard to be in your stepdaughter's shoes, too. If my daughter borrowed my razor or hairband, I'd be annoyed, but I wouldn't take much issue with it. In fact, she walks off with my tweezers all the time, but I don't see her as a bad kid because of it. She's kind of scatterbrained in some respects, so I cut her a lot of slack, because I love her, and she's a good kid, and no one's perfect.

The point I'm trying to make is narrow down your list to the really egregious problems, or you probably won't get far with her or your husband. Some things are just simple teenage stuff that's annoying, but not evil. It's hard to live with that many people. It's hard having roommates, family, whatever. But I think you'll get farther if you buy her some razors and hairbands, and without a hint of sarcasm say, "You could probably use some of these." Then the two of you
go to a movie or something. Then when there's a problem of disrespect, or other issue that's really black and white, you'll get farther. You don't want to be on her for every single thing, because she'll feel attacked and pissed off and everything will escalate. Back it off a notch, and maybe she'll see you're trying, and she'll follow your lead.

I see you have a lot on your plate, with your own kids at your ex's, and car trouble, etc. That's got to be tough. Hang in there. I know you're just venting, and I hope you don't feel I'm being too critical.

By Eight_Kids on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 08:36 am:

Update!.....I told dh either Fri night or thurs night that I kept getting the advice that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff.....tried this all weekend with the 12yo. Things went well I thought. This morning was okay. I don't know if I was more occupied with the boys being here, elated that the boys were here and that's why nothing bothered me all weekend. I don't know. This morning seemed to go okay.
I sent Anjelica (the 12yo) an e-mail that my 16 yo had sent to me and a bunch of other people...it had a bunch of questions on it you were supposed to answer and sort of pass it on I guess....it supposed to let you learn stuff about whoever you send it to or something. I sent it to my dad and he actually sent it back! And it was definitely interesting and I did learn some things. Anyway, you are supposed to send it back to the person who sent it to you also. One of the questions on it was who do you think will send it back first. Well, I think I sent it to 6 or 7 people. The 12yo was the first to send it back to me. I was shocked! One question is to say something nice about the person who sent it to you and she wrote....I love her a lot!
Maybe we are making progress!!!!
Just wanted to let you know! Wonderful advice here! Or maybe it's just better knowing there are other people dealing with the same stupid stuff. Hey, I'm not as crazy as I think I am!!!!
Beth

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 08:43 am:

That is so wonderful to hear. Maybe you just needed to bring down the walls a little. I was thinking on Sunday about the lesson I taught and i thought about you. Maybe if you two could find something even if its small that you have in common and run with it then a more walls would come down. Hope it continues to go well!!!

By Melana on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 10:30 am:

as for the 12 year old, try the Big Brother Big Sister program, it might work for her, I don't know if they have to be only children or not, but with the size of the household, it sounds like she just needs a good role model, someone to look up to, Wish I was lived near you, I think I could help, look for a role model for her.

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 12:25 pm:

I'm glad you had a good weekend!

Keep it up!

By Irene on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 12:54 pm:

Beth, you're a good person.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 07:15 pm:

I was a Big Sister for about 2 years right before I got married (and then into the marriage a little bit). I loved it. I was so perfectly matched with a 9-1/2 yo girl and we got along so well together. We still keep in touch occasionally. She is 28 now and runs a Rottweiler/Pit Bull rescue! We both loved dogs, horses and reading! I was thinking about doing it again when my kids are out of the house!

By Tink on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 08:09 pm:

Congrats on the great weekend! I thought of you and hoped it went well. Keep up the great job, She'll know you're there for her when she's ready.

By Eight_Kids on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 12:56 pm:

Okay....still trying really hard not to sweat the small stuff...I had a thought this morning about it...."how would I react in the same situation if it was one of my boys?" since they live with their dad I don't deal with this stuff on a daily basis with them...just weekends....anyway there are two things I'm having a hard time chalking up to small stuff! Thursday night, while I was at work, 11yo sd had to sweep and mop kitchen floor (this is her Thurs chore) and she also had dishes that night. Apparantly she got angry and threw the trashcan across the kitchen...this does not seem like small stuff to me. I already knew SOMETHING was 'up' when I got home and I was sticking to the kitchen floor, there was flour stuck to the kitchen counter. I discovered Friday morning the dishwasher was crammed so full none of the things that are supposed to turn in there were able to turn, and there was rice and broccoli EVERYWHERE. By the way, dh knows all of this and 11yo was sitting on the couch in front of the tv. Since this does not seem like small stuff I told each of them that I would be checking the 'dish job' when I got home from work and if it wasn't done correctly they would do it again even if it meant getting up in the morning a little earlier than usual.
Last night we had really bad thunderstorms and 6yo ended up in our bed (I hate that!) anyway, I woke up around 4am and it had stopped raining so I put her back in her own bed. On my way back to bed I notice 12yo has her window open and right across the hall 17yo has her heat on????? By the way...I'm getting ready to pay a $300 electric bill. I had to take the fan away back in December because they would run the heat in their room on high and keep the fan running on high????
I asked them this morning (12yo and 17yo) if there was anyway we could come to a comprimise because I could not afford to push heat out the bedroom window. Well, that just started an arguement between the two of them. Any suggestions on this one would be wonderful!!
Beth

By Coopaveryben on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 03:47 pm:

As far as the chores go...that is not small stuff. I try to punish for the 3 d's dishonesty, disobidience, and disrespect some things are childish mistakes (clearly not doing your chores at all is not one of those), I think a childish mistake is if she left her clothes in the floor or didn't get the floor perfectly clean. I think I would take the cleaning issue up with DH, from what I understand it sounds like he is the one who is at home when the chores are being done. He should be the one double checking them and punishing if necc., maybe someone else would have some better advice on how to handle him.

I can see the problem with the electric, what about an electric blanket for the 17 year old? I sleep with fans too even in the winter, I like the noise.

I think you should be proud of yourself for making such a good effort, you sound like a very caring step mother.

By Tink on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 09:17 pm:

I think it sounds like you're doing a great job of figuring out what is a big enough deal to raise a fuss about. I agree that disobedience is a big deal and I agree that your dh should be dealing with this since he is home at this time. It shouldn't be left to you to be the "bad guy." But this is hard to put into play. Can you draw up a contract with her since these are regular chores and if she breaks rules A, B, or C, she has this punishment. My sister was doing similar things and my parents did this when she was 14 (she even went to time-out. 2 time-outs in a day meant grounded for the weekend) It was the only thing that worked. Since it is all agreed to by your husband and your sd beforehand, you don't have to be worried about over-reacting and your dh is as aware of the rules as you are. (He still may not enforce them, but he can't plead ignorance.) I don't know how to deal with the heater issue, except that the fan can be running, no open window, and the 17yo knows where more blankets are.

By Irene on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 02:33 am:

Beth, this sounds like a crummy situation. Taking the 11 year old sd alone is a small to medium issue. It's the whole package put together that I think you need to look at. I hope I'm not overstepping the advice-giving here, but this is how your situation looks.

1. You work, no one else does???

2. You come home, and everyone, including your husband is sitting on the couch watching tv, while the kitchen is a mess. (Did you cook dinner, too?)

3. You pay all the bills (is this true?), and people are opening windows while the heat blows out?

4. Your husband is a sex addict, who calls you names that no man should call his wife, ever.

5. You live with your step children, whom you support, but don't live with your own children.


I've said this before, you really seem like a good person to me. You've said you've made mistakes, and it really seems like you're trying to do the right things now. That's very admirable. Now you're in this situation, where you're trying to be fair etc, which is great, but the balance of the scale is tipped way over, with people dumping on you. Is it worth it? I'm sure there are rays of light, because we tend to talk about the bad stuff, and the people reading it don't know the whole story. But this is A LOT of bad stuff. Forget about the step daughter...there are much bigger issues here, I think. I know I'm not being helpful here, because I don't really know what the answer is, but I just think you deserve better.

By Coopaveryben on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 09:00 am:

You're husband doesn't work??? Did I miss this....if that is the case you shouldn't have to worry about cleaning anything, that is his job and his job to worry about his girls getting it done too. I've not been on the board like I usually am for the past week or so and I didn't catch everything from your story on other post, from what I am reading you definetely deserve better.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 03:25 pm:

Please understand that I am writing this from a "step-daughter" point of view. This is such a difficult situation for you, but it likely is difficult for everyone in the family...The dynamics of blended families are complicated, emotional, & very stressful for everyone involved...I can say this from personal experience! My father who was raising my sister & I (my sister 11yo & me 8yo at the time), married a women with three sons (12yo,7yo,6yo at the time) & they all moved into our house...This was a BIG adjustment for everyone...complicated, emotional, and very stressful. Your step-daughter/step-children are likely just trying to cope with it all...life doesn't sound easy for any of you. I'm not saying that excuses your step-children from taking responsibility for their actions & their behavior, nor am I saying that excuses your husband from his responsibilities...but please be patient with your step-children...from my own experience I can say that life as a step-child within a blended family is VERY DIFFICULT TOO!

By Amecmom on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 04:50 pm:

Patience is one thing and is required by everyone in the household, but respect is, too. It sounds as though you are trying very hard to respect the others, but no one is showing you any respect. Regardless of whether they like you or hate you, they live under your roof and have an obligation to respect your rules.
I think Tink has a very good idea about drawing up a contract and getting things down on paper. This way you can just point out that A or B on the contract that was agreed to, has not been fulfilled. By putting things down in black and white, you may eliminate some of the feeling of "she's picking on me" How can you be picking on them if they are the ones who didn't follow the rules they agreed to in the first place?
This is not quite the same situation, but I used to tell my students that I didn't give them their grades, they did. They chose to do their homework, to study, to respect the class rules, or they didn't give themselves good grades. All I did was observe how well they followed the guidelines we set up together as a class in the beginning of the school year.
This is not easy and I wish you luck.
Ame

By Momaroze on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 09:32 pm:

Sounds to me that some family counselling is in order here. I think trying to deal with this stuff on your own is going to be overwhelming. I certainly would not have the energy...on top of the stress to deal with something like this on my own. Some how you have to get to the underlying problems and in my opinion some family intervention is in order here. Sounds like everyone is having a difficult time....for there own reasons.

Wow. I have to commend you for your patience. You deserve a whole lot more than what you are getting.

By Eight_Kids on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 12:27 pm:

Well, I do have to say that the situation has been pretty much okay this week and dh is taking on more in the way of bearing the burden of being 'the bad guy' I feel like this week has been a combined effort with the kids. To answer some of your questions....no dh does not work...not on a regular basis. (he takes on odd jobs here and there..he can do just about anything) but gets an SSI disability check every month due to a below the knee amputation. So yes, typically, he is the stay at home parent and I am the one who works. We found out a year ago he could get a job part time and it wouldn't affect his disability. The big thing that gets me right now is that money is so tight and neither one of my step children's parents are working...but I'm now looking for a better paying job...(issues!!!!) I can't say I pay all the bills because he does get a check every month (although I worked 2 jobs and/or 60 hr work weeks for 2 1/2 years after our daughter was born (I went back to work when she was 4 wks old) so he could get his disability. (I asked him once why he didn't get it while he was married to his first wife----he lost his leg long before I ever met him----he said because she could never afford to pay all the bills and he always had to go back to work, as soon as you do that they close your case) So I guess I feel like I should get SOME KIND of recognition for that but I never have and never will...just something nice I did cuz I love him I guess.
The further I look into it the more I think he's not a sex addict just a control freak (this much I already knew)
Yes, I live with my step kids and my daughter. My four boys live with their dad.

My mother once pointed something out to me....she says anytime men do something in the house they feel they deserve a standing ovation and I should be very glad that he at least makes dinner every night without fail. And he does.
We were talking last night and I don't know how it came up (dh and I) but I told him (I don't do this very often) that technically he was the stay at home parent and getting the kids up should be his job not mine (but I do it everyday) but like I said, this week things seem to be improving! Hoping for good things ahead. The therapy subject has been approached and discussed briefly! Baby steps!!!
I'll keep you posted!! Thanx again.
Beth

By Bobbie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 09:22 pm:

Beth, Marriage is always a work in process. And as long as you are working towards something there is hope. And sometimes they just need a little kick in the butt to get them moving.

As far as the kids, I so hope that you all can work things out. It is hard on kids when parents divorce and it is hard when someone else steps in. Adjustment. I wish for you a happy relationship with your step kids. I know they can really use you in their lives. All girls need that solid female support.

Baby steps is right. Keep that up and soon you will be running.