I Couldn't Believe My Ears This Morning

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This morning I was laying in bed with the baby, and overheard my 2yr old Goosie and my 5yr old Adrian talking. Ever since our house caught fire in December, they talk about fire a lot, and how scary it is. I don't mind their talking about it and encourage them to express their feelings. Anyway, Adrian said, "Goosie, you never play with lighters, matches, or the stove." It was SO WONDERFUL to hear him say this. I am so proud.

By Momaroze on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 12:40 pm:

Awe, proud mommy!!! Smart Guy!

Sorry to hear about the fire. I wasn't around at that time. What a thing to experience.

By Melanie on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 12:43 pm:

It's so nice to hear some good came out of such a frightening experience. Way to go boys!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 12:45 pm:

Obviously that made *quite* an impression on Adrian, Amy. And you are right, it IS good for them to talk about it. So.........how are YOU dealing with it all?

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 01:13 pm:

How am *I* dealing with it? Well, honestly, not as good as I would like. I have mini anxiety attacks often, like if I hear a loud noise or if Mike says something in a surprised voice. It's worse at night. We used to sleep with a stand-up fan blowing, mainly for the white noise to put us to sleep. Now, I refuse to have it in our room, because I want to hear in case anything happens. But now that I can hear every little bitty noise in the house when I'm laying in bed, I become borderline insane. I am literally terrified constantly. It often takes me almost 2 hours to fall asleep. Most nights I have to get up out of bed and walk all around the house to make sure there is no fire. I know, it sounds like I'm crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am, LOL. It's gotten better though. The first month (I am so embarrassed to say this) Mike and I slept in the living room. I couldn't stand being in our bedroom. I would just stare at the door waiting to see thick black smoke barrelling in. So, we slept on the sofa bed. I finally decided to start sleeping in the bedroom though, and it *is* getting better over time. Sometimes, I have bad nights. I have laid in bed a lot planning what we would do if a fire happened in different rooms. If we were all awake, all asleep, only some of the kids asleep, if the fire happened in a bedroom, if the doors were blocked, if it were pitch black, etc. So, I do feel somewhat prepared. I have placed smoke alarms in every single room, and in the hall, so that has helped a little. I know fires are rare, and most people don't ever experience their house burning up. But, that doesn't help me feel any better, because we have had the worst luck. I mean, just look at last year...LOL

Anyway, I have gone to see a therapist on base. She wanted to put me on medication, but I didn't want that because I'm nursing and also because I would like to try to work this out without medication. She said we could do that, but then all of the soldiers are starting to come back from Iraq, and would take precedence over civilians. I can't afford a therapist out of pocket, and the only ones the military insurance covers are over an hour away (we live in a rural area). So, I'm on my own for now. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for asking though. I'm sure you got more than you asked for, LOL.

By Eve on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 02:43 pm:

(((AMY))) I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I imagine I would be feeling the same! I hope it gets better for you very soon.

Such a sweet story about the boys. It's nice that they will watch out for one another.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 02:44 pm:

Not at all, Amy. I've been worried about you and I was wondering if it was getting any better.

By Marg on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 02:48 pm:

(((Amy))) you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I stayed in the same room when my mom was staying with us. After she passed away, I could not go back into our bedroom. I stayed in that bedroom for 2 months. I couldn't sleep, or when I did I would think I heard her.

I know it is two totally different situations, but I am thinking about you. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.

By Truestori on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 03:02 pm:

Amy,

You are so strong I am certain you can work through any anxiety and come out even stronger!

What smart little boys you have! It is always wonderful to hear your kids when they don't know you are listening.

Take care of yourself...

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 03:48 pm:

Marg, I'm not seeing a therapist. I was, but she said she would only be able to see me once every two months, as soldiers from Iraq are coming back and take priority.

Thanks everyone, I'm trying to work this out and get on with my life.

By Texannie on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 04:13 pm:

You really have been through so much, it's not hard to imagine that you are having anxiety. Don't be afraid to take some meds to help you. It's not a sign of weakness if you do.

By Marg on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 04:16 pm:

Amy, sorry I misread your post.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 04:45 pm:

Amy, you have lots of reasons to be upset, anxious, and reacting (and I will not say over-reacting).

Our apartment fire happened while everyone was away from the apartment so there was not only no injury - there was no risk of injury. The major damage was to (a) a rented apartment, (b) the kitchen and dining room contents and (c) smoke damage - and we had insurance which actually covered all our damage.

It was at least two years before I stopped feeling my knees buckle when I heard a fire engine. I still stop, catch my breath, and say a prayer when I hear a fire engine.

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 05:09 pm:

I hope time takes some of this away. I really do.

No problem, Marg And thanks for sharing your story. I think the two situations are very similar.

And Ginny, thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

By Dana on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 09:46 pm:

Hugs Amy. Thanks for posting "more than you asked for." When it isn't you who had the experience, it becomes out of sight, out of mind.

Hope you start feeling better with each wonderful new day.

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 10:17 pm:

Thanks, Dana. That was really nice of you

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 02:43 am:

Amy,
I know you are nursing, and it's good that you want to work things out without meds if possible, but make sure you monitor your anxiety. I would agree it is well justified, and time will help, but your post made me think back to the days when I was afraid to do ANYTHING after the kids were born. It's an awful feeling, and I'd hate to see you suffer with it. If you ever need to talk, email me!! And Dana hit it right on the nose, sometimes we all get so wrapped up in our own worlds we forget to check on the friends around us... I'm really sorry I haven't been more supportive!

By Amy~moderator on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 01:44 pm:

Crys, we both have had SO MUCH going on lately. I TOTALLY understand. Thanks for your advice. I talked to Mike again about therapy last night, and he suggested just going to the Mental Health Clinic on base, even if I don't get appointments as often as I would like. I may do that.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, April 15, 2004 - 03:30 pm:

By the way Ame, I think there is a way to get Prime to cover someone closer if they are out of network, but there are no providers in network. I'd check into it, because you know the military isn't very good making life easier, so you'd have to push. Good luck, and I agree with Mike... take whatever you can right now at the clinic.