My son is generally a good boy. However, like all kids, he gets into the power struggle thing. When it's time for bed, or a diaper change, he runs around the dining room table and laughs. I won't chase him, because that's part of his game. When he does something wrong and I scold him, he laughs, enjoying my reaction. The more I show my disapproval or my anger, the more he laughs.
The other day, we were in the supermarket and he ran away from me. He tried it again in the parking lot. I'll grab him, and he'll go limp and refuse to stand up. He continues to laugh, thinking this is some great game.
I don't want to use corporal punishment. I don't think a child really learns by being hit. What can I do to let him know that it's not a game and that the things he does are dangerous?
I've tried talking to him, but that doesn't seem to work too well.
I know every child responds differently to various methods of discipline. I need to find one that works for him.
I'd appreciate any ideas.
Ame

By Melanie on Monday, March 29, 2004 - 10:55 am:

I am a huge fan of Love and Logic parenting. You can learn about what that is at www.loveandlogic.com. I would suggest their toddler tape to you: https://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/Product.aspx?Template=BookAudio&PID=Toddlers&cat=2.

If you want to know more that the website isn't clear about, please feel free to ask. I love talking about this method.

By Melanie on Monday, March 29, 2004 - 11:04 am:

One other thing. The other day I took my 3 year old dd to the grocery store. I asked her if she wanted to walk or did she want to ride in the cart. She chose to walk. Well, we walked in the door and she stopped to smell the flowers on the stand. I let her admire the flowers for a minute and then I told her to come. She did, but then she ran back to the flowers. Without saying a word, I scooped her up and put her in the cart and buckled her. She screamed and screamed, "Let me out!!" No problem. I'll take her screaming for a little while because I know that this will not happen again. I didn't scold her and I certainly didn't try to reason with her. LOL. And I didn't let her crying and carrying on bother me one bit. (Though one employee had the nerve to ask me if she could have a balloon! Reward that? Absolutely not!) She behaved in a way that was not okay, so her life became just a bit uncomfortable for a little while. Today we are going shopping again. I will ask her again if she wants to walk or ride. I most certainly not remind her with a "Okay, but remember what happened last time?" kind of lecture. She's a smart girl. She'll make a better choice today. I have no doubt.

HTH

By Amecmom on Monday, March 29, 2004 - 11:49 am:

I'll check out the site and the method. I have tried direct consequences, such as putting him in the cart when he does not listen. Sometimes it has some effect, but most times he just doesn't connect the action with the consequence. He gets too caught up in the emotion of being sad and angry to even think about why it happened. All I hear for the next ten minutes or so is, "Baby DOWN!". My favorite is when we have to leave someplace and he's having too good a time to go. He says, "Leave me alone, Mama" or "Go AWAY Mama, GO AWAY!" I take him by the hand and he does the limp thing again.
I tell him to stand on his own two feet, or he'll fall, but he doesn't listen. I am so tempted to warn him and then just let go, but I don't want him to get hurt.
I'm trying to scoop him up less and get him more into listening to verbal directions, because I'm expecting another child in September. As I get larger, I'll be able to scoop him up less and less, and when the new one comes, well ...
Anyhow, thanks.
If there are any other ideas, let me know, please.
Ame

By Coopaveryben on Monday, March 29, 2004 - 01:46 pm:

When he does these things the most important thing is to be consistent. My mom said our doctor always used to tell her, "if you threaten to kill them you better plan on doing it". If you don't take your stroller start taking it and if he does this to you at the store/parking lot strap him in and say "you don't run from mommie" (keep it very simple), he will yell and scream but ignore him like Melanie said. If you talk to him while he is doing this it will only encourage the behavior. If you are at home do the same thing, if he won't sit in time out use a high chair, car seat, crib, whatever it takes to know that he is being punished and again "Don't run from Mommie". Make sure time out isn't your lap either. If you are going somewhere he enjoys and he does this turn around and take him home, this is the hardest thing to do. I remember we had to do this with our oldest one time and it about killed me because I was excited about going and so was he but he never did it again.

Another thing, don't under estimate what they understand, they understand a lot more than you think they do.

Also, I read something one time and I've tried it with my own and it seems to be true. When you are telling your pre-schooler not to do something don't say "don't go in the road" all they hear is "road" (which is somehow translated "go in the road") instead say something like "stay in the grass/sidewalk/etc."

One more suggestion to throw out there, which I am sure you are doing and is totally off the subject, is really prepare him for this baby. It will make things a lot easier when the baby arrives.

By Amyk on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 04:33 pm:

This is from Dr. Phil's site - hope it helps:

Age-Appropriate Discipline Techniques

The disciplining techniques parents use should be based on age-appropriate expectations. For example, a verbal explanation of why punishment is being administered is ineffective with children under 18 months of age because they can't understand reasoning. Using guidelines outlined by the American Academy of Family Physicians, Dr. Phil suggests the following techniques for disciplining children through the age of 16.

Effective Infant Techniques: Birth to 18 Months


Positive Reinforcement
Focusing on good behavior instead of bad behavior. Parental attention is one of the most powerful forms of positive reinforcement.


Redirecting
This technique literally involves the simple act of redirecting your child to appropriate behavior.

Ineffective Infant Techniques: Birth to 18 Months


Verbal Instruction/Explanation
Going over what you want your child to do and why can help him/her develop good judgment.


Time-outs
Time-outs involve physically removing your child from a problem situation. Sending your child to a neutral and "boring" area, such as the corner of a room with no toys or television, and ignoring him/her until he/she is calm and quiet. Time-outs should not last longer than five minutes. One minute of time-out per year of life is a good rule of thumb.


Establishing Rules
Explain your rules and be prepared to repeat them until your child learns to follow them on his/her own.


Grounding
A technique effective with school-age children and teenagers, it involves restricting your child to a certain place, usually home or his/her room, as punishment. For example, "grounding" your child on a Saturday night as punishment for breaking curfew on Friday night.


Withholding Privileges
Children should learn that privileges come with responsibility and they need to be earned. In order to be effective, this technique should be used infrequently. A privilege that is valued by the child, such as watching television or playing with friends, should be removed.

Effective Toddler Techniques: 18 Months to 3 Years


Positive Reinforcement

Redirecting

Verbal Instruction/Explanation

Time-outs

Ineffective Toddler Techniques: 18 Months to 3 Years


Establishment of Rules

Grounding

Withholding Privileges

Effective School-Age Techniques: 4 to 12 Years


Positive Reinforcement

Redirecting

Verbal Instruction/Explanation

Time-outs

Establishment of Rules

Grounding

Withholding Privileges

Effective Adolescent Techniques: 13 to 16 Years


Positive Reinforcement

Verbal Instruction/Explanation

Establishment of Rules

Grounding

Withholding Privileges

Ineffective Adolescent Techniques: 13 to 16 Years


Redirecting

Time-outs

By Amecmom on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 10:43 am:

Ah, yes, but what do you when:

Positive Reinforcement

Redirecting

Verbal Instruction/Explanation

Time-outs

JUST DON'T WORK - and your child is laughing himself silly while you get red faced with anger?

Thanks, anyway for all your advice. I guess I was hoping for some magic trick that just doesn't exist. Maybe he'll grow out of it.
Ame

By Coopaveryben on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 03:17 pm:

Ame, my oldest was really like this, I did end up spanking him we were at such a lose of what to do and he would laugh at that too. Discipline is the hardest part of raising kids. If you make the punishment immediate and cosistent the behavior will stop being fun for him and he will no longer do it, the hard part is sticking it out. If you find that magic trick please tell me what it is, I want to do it too. I hate to dispcipline and there are some days I feel that is all I do but I feel it is very important to get a quick hold on those power struggles because they will only get worse. I feel that if they are let go you end up with a child no one wants to be around and that isn't fair to the child. Good Luck!

By Amecmom on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 04:14 pm:

Thanks Chrissy,
I agree, consequences need to be immediate and logical. Discipline needs to be consistent. He is really generally a good and compliant boy. It happens once a day or so, I guess when he's tired or frustrated, that he starts the power struggle.
When it's not something dangerous, I've just said, "We don't do ..., but here, you can do this ..." If he doesn't follow, then I leave the room.
My concern is the dangerous situations. Parking lots, climbing, running in stores, etc. I try to stop the power struggles before they start. Sometimes, I'm just not effective.
Thanks to everyone for your advice and ideas!

By Tink on Monday, April 5, 2004 - 03:08 am:

The only other point that I don't see being made here is that if you are talking "til you are blue in the face" or carrying him, he is getting a lot of attention and some kids just can't get enough no matter how much good attention you give him. My son didn't respond to redirecting or time-outs for a long time. In fact, it caused a behavior "spike" ( he pushed it even further to see if he stepped it up, I would back down) but eventually, when he saw we really were going to do it every time, he gave it up...and found something new to irritate me!