My DD Alissa who is 3 1/2 will not share any of her toys. I have been watching my 16 month old niece a few days a week and Alissa will not share anything with her. She tells me she doesn't want Nicolina playing with her new toys...or any toys.
Its driving me nuts. Alissa has never been like this before. I don't know if its a stage or what.
Did anyone else ever have this problem at this age???
TIA

By Kolbysmom on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 08:20 am:

Everything I've read suggests that a child is unable to understand the concept of sharing until age 4-5.

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 09:26 am:

Maybe a compromise...let her take away a few special toys that you can put away when your niece comes, and the rest she has to share?

By Kate on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 09:36 am:

My daughter is that age and I sometimes babysit my year old nephew. She's fine about sharing with FRIENDS, but not her cousin. Sometimes she'll share with him just fine, but other times she won't at all. I think it's because she's upset that Mommy is paying attention to someone else and letting this cousin come over and disrupt 'her' time with me. Normally it's just me and her all day long. I understand it and I don't push it. If your niece brings along toys you can make it clear that if Alissa doesn't share HER toys, then Nicolina doesn't have to share the toys she brought either. And I agree with putting the special toys away beforehand. If it's jealousy like with my daughter, be sure to tell her that Nicolina is coming today, so let's have some private time first and read a story or snuggle before she gets here. And tell her what you'll do when Nicolina goes home and let her look forward to that.

By Dananivyboo1 on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 11:25 am:

My sister and ds who are similar ages and going on 2 now, they have just started their "i'm not going ot share with you" phase. We've spoiled my son so much with toys, but when his aunt comes over he wont let her play with a single thing. But then when we go to her house she does the same. So if they fight for one toy we just keep taking them away and hiding them. After about 5 toys, they finally get over it.

DS like to nurse baby dolls. Cause he has a new cousin now. So he pretends everything is a baby. So she doesnt like him playing with her dolls. But other times she likes to play with his trucks. So we can never win.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 06:58 pm:

I am a firm believer that you should not force children to share. Sharing, like most virtues, is something a child learns to value and if it is forced from the outside, it is just that, forced and not internalized. With my 3, there were toys that were common toys, like Legos and books and games, and toys that were owned by one of the three. The rule was, if it is in the playroom it is a common toy; if you don't want to share it, keep it in your room when you are not playing with it.

Interestingly, my oldest was very generous, as was my youngest. My middle son was not. And when he came to me complaining that #1 or #3 would not share a toy with him, I simply said "they don't have to, but if you were more willing to share your toys with them they might be more willing to share with you". Which is what eventually happened, and he learned the value of sharing.

As to why she is doing it - your niece is not Alissa's friend, whom she wants to play with. And she is there several days a week, competing with Alissa for your attention. I think Kate is right, and I think it is logical that she is protesting this division of attention from Mommy in the only way she can think of.

I suggest you and your daughter sit down and decide which toys she should not have to share, including especially her new toys, and which toys are "baby toys" that she would be willing to share with your niece. And then Alissa's non-sharing toys go in her room and she cannot bring them out when niece is there - if she brings them out, they become "common" toys. If she wants to play with them when niece is there she has to do so in her room. Or she can only bring them out when niece is napping and they go back the moment niece awakens. And tell your niece's parents that the niece has to come with some her own toys, if she doesn't already, and let Alissa know that niece's toys are not for sharing unless Alissa is willing to share some of "her" toys.

And when niece goes home, the next half-hour becomes a time when you and Alissa sit down together, with her on your lap, and hug and read a book or do something you don't do when niece is there - your joint "winding down and getting back together" time. She can bring "her" toys out of her room at this time, because niece is gone (but she must be sure to put them back in her room before bedtime). Make it a special time for the two of you, to recognize that when niece is there you do have to divide your attention between the two of them and that you cherish this time when you and Alissa can be together alone, without niece. And tell Alissa that this is your special time with her and how much you enjoy being alone with her. Let her know that you are taking care of niece because you are helping niece's mother and father, and that it is so much better for niece to be with family instead of strangers, so you and Alissa are doing her a big favor. Try to help her feel that she is doing a "big girl" thing by sharing her mom with niece a couple of days a week. After all, she is sharing the most important thing she has with your niece - and no one even asked her if she wanted to.

By Kernkate on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:24 am:

Thanks everyone.and Ginny great advice.She is doing much better now. It was the adjusting I think for the first few day.