As some of you know, my grandmother passed away on Thursday. She was in her 80's and had been in pain for years and years. I think she died from heart failure along with all her other problems.

She lived a few hours away from us and we hadn't seen her in about 3 years. We tried several times to go to visit her but every time someone ended up getting sick. Either she would end up in the hospital or one of us were sick and didn't want to visit her and get her sick. At that age a cold can end up killing her. Anyway, my kids didn't know her at all. The last time they saw her dd was 2 and ds ws about 6 months old. But i do want to let them know that she died.
how do i explain it to them with out scaring them about death? I don't want to say that she was "sick" because i don't want them to think that anytime you get sick, you can die. Just wondering how you did/will explain it to your kdis without scaring them.

By John on Saturday, February 7, 2004 - 09:57 am:

I think that your family's religious beliefs have a lot to do with how to handle this...

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, February 7, 2004 - 10:56 am:

Here's an index of articles on this topic.

ParentCenter.com - Death

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, February 7, 2004 - 10:57 am:

{{{Patti}}} I'm so sorry to hear your Grandmother died.

By Mommmie on Saturday, February 7, 2004 - 01:12 pm:

My son, who is 9, has been to 4 funerals already in his life, at 11 months, at age 4, at 6 and at 8. The one he went to last summer he had never met the lady. It was his step-grandmother. But we went out of respect. He was about a 3 hour drive away. Age 4 and 6 were his grandparents he knew very well. The first funeral was a great uncle and I'm sure my son doesn't remember going, we flew, and childcare was provided during the actual ceremony, but we talk about that uncle a lot.

We have also been through 3 cats in the last year.

Anyway, we talk about death and dying very openly. We cry openly when they pass. We are spiritual, new agers I guess you could say - well, some are Catholic, too - and I think John is right in that what you believe should influence how you explain it.

We belive in reincarnation (into human form only), having many lives, we are here and then we go home, then we may come back, or not. Sometimes together. That's the way we explain it to my son. It's normal, apart of life and a temporary separation. We believed we receive signs from people who have passed before us. We talk openly about it. My son, when very young, said things that mesh with what we believe.

Sorry for your loss.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, February 7, 2004 - 05:33 pm:

I agree, you are right to be very careful how you approach this. You don't want your kids to worry about their getting sick or you or dh getting sick. I think it is also wise to be careful about saying "gone to heaven", "called by God", or "in a better place", because of how children may interpret this. I would certainly look at the link Trina posted.

By Marcia on Sunday, February 8, 2004 - 12:18 am:

My kids have been closely exposed to death two times, as they lost a foster brother and sister. The first time they were quite young - 7, 5 and 4. This time they were 10,8 and 7. We didn't have time to think about how to handle it, to read any books, etc. We were just very real. We told them what happened, and told them what we believe - they are in Heaven now. They're bodies are whole, and they are able to run, play, talk, etc. We took them to the visitation for both kids, and also to Sonja's funeral. They were too young to sit that long the first time.
I think that if we had've decided to keep them from everything, it wouldn't be real to them. They know everything, and they're coping much better than their mommy.

By Kaye on Sunday, February 8, 2004 - 09:01 am:

I agree with Marcia, just be real. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and in the past 3 months have lost three people and have attended two funerals. They are doing okay. When your belief system is strong, kids just go with that. I think the situation with your children is a bit different, they don't know this person. You are going to have to sit down and explain who this is. I have to say that I personally just might not say anything. But if you want to, and you stated that you do. Decide why....is it to make you feel better, is it to have someone to grieve with you, is it to make sure they can remember here, etc. And then tell them accordingly. If you just are doing it for info, sit them down and say I wanted to let you know that so and so died. Do you have any questions. They may or may not. My middle child is 8, when his grandma died, they were very close, living with us the past few months, I told him, he said okay. End of discussion. I guess what I am saying is since they don't know her, your conversation will probably be really short, they probably won't care, not too sound mean, but they are young. Your oldest may have questions, but not right now. Just answer them honestly when they do. I think it is hard as the grieving adults to realize that it is okay for kids to just move on and they aren't just little adults, but kids who dont' have the same fears etc.

By Bellajoe on Sunday, February 8, 2004 - 11:08 am:

Thank you. We just told them that my grandma, their great-grandma died. One of them asked why. I just told her that she was old and her body just stopped working. She just said "Oh". End of discussion. I guess i just wanted to tell her out of respect for my grandmother. How can i just pretend to go on as if nothing happened? So i told them, now they know (even though like Kaye said, they don't seem to care because they didn't know her). Thanks for all your input .