My 8 year old is incredibly competitive. In his class he likes for it to be known that he is doing the hardest work in the shortest amount of time. In sports he likes to be the fastest or get the most goals, etc. Playing board games he becomes downright emotional if he loses.

I know in the long run it can be of benefit to him to have that kind of drive and determination. But right now it's really no fun for his friends to play with him, and frankly it's draining to the adults.

We've had endless discussions about this situation. We've talked about good sportsmanship. We've talked about how it feels for others when he is a poor sport and how he would feel if he was on the other end of that. We've talked about how true leaders never have to point out their accomplishments to others. When he beats dh or I at a game, we model what we'd like for him to do where we smile and tell him he played a great game. We've tackled this from so many angles.

Any suggestions on how to really drive this lesson home? I keep hoping that his friends will let him know in the way kids do that this just doesn't work. But so far that doesn't seem to have happened. I'd love ideas or book recommendations or whatever else you have to offer! TIA!

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 04:41 pm:

Hmmm, sounds awfully familiar! We're dealing with the same issues with my DS. From my teaching experience I know it's a common developmental stage for 2nd & 3rd graders and seems to be more so for boys. Very competitive and sore losers. We're taking the same approach but it seems to be taking a long time for the message to sink in. I'm also open for suggestions!

By Truestori on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 04:58 pm:

That leaves three of us!! My son is almost 5 and he is determined to be the best already. It was so funny because when my nephew (16) came to visit, I heard him ask my son,"What can't you do?" My son replied,"Well, I can't pull out a power pole from the ground yet!" It must be a boy thing...atleast according to my husband it is!

By Debbie on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 05:00 pm:

I am in the same situation. My oldest ds is almost 6 and he sounds exactly like your ds. We have tried all the same approaches as you and we aren't getting anywhere. I would love to hear some suggestions.

By Chloe on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 05:13 pm:

This brings back memories! I have an older sister and she was very competitive around this age. If she didn't win, those game pieces would fly across the room every time.It sounds like you're saying all the right things, and you've got a great kid. No one said these things to us. We were told how smart and talented we were, which was probably our parents way of encouraging but it made us perfectionist and competitive(still dealing with that).
What I wish someone had said to me was that we can only learn from our mistakes, so smart people know they have to make alot of mistakes. And also that no one is better than anyone else,but we each have different gifts that are God given, and your gifts are whatever gives you the most joy and makes other people happy too . Hope that helps.

By Melanie on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 05:40 pm:

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know that we are not alone! It's also nice to hear that this is age appropriate behavior. I guess we will just continue what we are doing and hopefully he will eventually grow out of it. (And on to the next phase, of course!)

By Mrse on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 10:37 pm:

I have 3 dd, and they are not at all competitive, they all win and lose and have a good time, no matter what the out come. But in your situation, I think, I would give your speech exactley what you wrote above, but I would also add, that the next time, he gets upset when he loses, that the game will end right thier. then get him to sit down with a piece of paper and ask him to write a short story on why, it bothers him so much to lose, and to also include how he thinks, his friends feel, when he acts that way when he loses.
Bielve it or not, I have done this, in a different situation, and it works. Gives them time to think about how they reacted to the situation. Just a thought.

By Melanie on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 10:48 pm:

That is a great suggetion, Mrse. Most of the time I am not with him when it happens with his peers. I know that it happens through conversations with his teacher or, in the latest instance, in his Spanish class. So I am not typically able to end the game, though both dh and I have done that when he gets upset here at home. However, I can certainly have him write about the experience after the fact. I am going to try that the next time it happens. Thank you for the suggestion!