Explaining sex
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2003:
Explaining sex
My children are at an age now , especially the oldest where they have questions about sex. How it feels, what it is and so on. I've been turning my answer over in my mind for some time now and am wondering, how much is too much to explain? My DD is 11 and I'm preparing to talk to her about this. I want to be open and honest about it but at the same time not over encourage her to give it a go with just anyone!
How it feels!!! Yikes! I am glad that question hasn't been asked. I found a couple of really good books, one was The Care and Keeping of You, which is by the American girl people, and I can't remember the other one, but I can find it if you want the name. Amazon has some good reviews on various books to find the one right for your family.
First, check out your library. I'll bet there are some good books there that you'd feel comfortable with. Talk to the teacher at school who teaches health and, probably, the beginnings of sex ed.
Don't give her more information that she needs. Whenever anyone says their child is asking questions about sex, I am reminded of the old joke:
Johnny: Daddy, where did I come from?
Daddy goes into the birds&bees and a sort of overview of how babies are conceived and born.
Johnny: That's interesting, Daddy. But Daddy, Billy comes from Cleveland. Where did I come from?
How it feels? Yikes, indeed. How it feels, in terms of what you want to tell your children, is that when two people who love each other are expressing their love physically, it feels wonderful. But you know, from friends you have talked with, that without a deep and permanent commitment to the other person, a lot of times it leaves you feeling cheap, used, and not nice. That's on the emotional level. On the physical level, it can feel really good for the moment, but unless there are good emotional ties involved also, it is sort of like McDonalds. The hamburger tasted good at the moment, but it's gone and with no feeling left behind. Which is why it is important to wait until you are mature enough to have developed a strong and permanent relationship with the other person so that the good feelings are there after the physical moment is over.
How's that for starters?
Do check out the library, a good book store, and talk with a teacher. And, it is worth checking out what you might find at Planned Parenthood. I remember getting a booklet from them, back when my oldest son was about 14, that talked about the "facts" of sexual relations with a strong emphasis on responsible behavior. After watching that booklet getting passed behind a son's back to neighbor kids on the front porch for a couple of weeks, I persuaded the block organization to include some sessions from Planned Parenthood in our block summer programs for the kids (restricting it to 12 and up). It was absolutely amazing, and a bit funny. At one point one young lady asked something like: Well, what if a boy wants to have sex and doesn't want to use protection, and you have sex with him and get pregnant? A young man (I won't say gentleman) popped up - That's on her!, and many of the other young men said things like "yeah", "right on". I think it was two weeks, at least, before any of the girls on the block would talk to any of the boys after that.
One of the things it is important to teach young women about sex is that boys do have a different perspective (among other things, they don't get pregnant), and try to give her some idea of some of the lines and ways a boy will use to talk a girl into having sex - and help her dissect those lines and persuasions and what good responses might be.
And, it is equally important to try to get young men to have a responsible view about sex. Having 3 sons, that was my problem and job, and in retrospect, with what I've heard and overheard, I think I managed reasonably well, but nowhere near as well as I would have liked.
And remember, they are going to be hearing a lot at school, from friends and others, and a lot of what they hear will be just what you don't want them to hear. And there will be a lot of pressure on many levels to "loosen up", don't be a baby, grow up, etc. You're going to have to find ways to help your children manage that also. This is where it really helps to be involved with a good church (or synagogue or mosque) that has a good youth program that is attractive to your children. I cannot tell you how pleased I was that my two younger sons, during their teen years, found most of their best friends in the teen group at our church and that most of their social activity was in groups of kids growing out of the church youth group. Even my "popular" son, who was a "leader" among his friends and who was really subject to peer pressure, didn't single date until he was 16 and even then most of the time it was in groups of couples from the youth group. It really helped.
I have the book Colette spoke of above. I actually just had the talk with my daughter a few weeks ago! It went really well. This book explains all of the things that girls go through, from leg hair, to underarm hair etc.. It doesn't explain anything about sex, though. Basically, my daughter and I read the book together and I explained she would be getting her period soon,etc. That led into more discussion and before you knew it she knew how babies were concieved!! LOL
Goodluck.. 
Ginny, I just have to say you give really good advice on this topic. Ive always wondered what id say when DD is that age (though shes only 6 months old, I think way ahead of time) and the examples you gave are great!!
Great post, Ginny! Hopefully Karen is feeling better soon so she can add to your advice. I always like what she has to say on this topic as well.
My Mom and I had similar chats as Ginny described above. She also really plugged self respect and waiting for marriage, etc.. Then my big brother, who is 4 yrs. older than me, gave me the low down about boys and all the lines and angles they use to get "some action". LOL! I laugh now, but you know, his brotherly advice was a BIG help to me as a young girl. He told me about "loose girls" and how they had bad reputations and were high risk for STDs and pregnancy. He stressed being a "nice girl" and waiting until I was mature enough to practice safe and responsible sex. He didn't let his friends get too close to me either! I hope my DS does the same for DD.
I had a cute chat with my DD (5) at bed time tonight. She has been asking a lot of questions about marriage and relationships lately. Some of it is natural curiousity but I suspect some of it is also because my best friend is going through a divorce right now. She said, "Momma, you're not getting married again, right? I'm going to get married when I get older." Me: "If you want, you don't have to get married." DD: "I do, I do want to get married." Me: "OK, but you can't marry just anyone you know. You need to wait until you meet someone who you love VERY, very much and want to spend the REST of your life with...like Daddy!" DD: "Yea, a boy who is handsome!" Me: "Welllll, that's great but looks aren't everything. We can talk more about this another time. You need to go to sleep." *Heavy Sigh* So much to explain!
My oldest is 10. Her body is really maturing, but she's still so young. She knows what's happening with her body, and what's to come. She doesn't know anything about sex, and hasn't asked yet. I'm sure it won't be long.
You are so right, Marcia. I read somewhere that the average age for the onset of menses is somewhere around 11-1/2 now.
This is one of my *favorite* topics. LOL But, since I'm feeling so cruddy and foggy, I did a keyword search, and copied this from one of the more active threads on this same subject:
First of all, use the proper terms! Be honest, very matter of fact, answer questions, tell her as much as you think she can handle (which at 13, should be most of the facts), however let her know that while you will answer any questions she may have about sex, you will not discuss your personal sex life with her.
Include birth control, STD's, abortion vs adoption vs raising babies. Also - and this is very important, explain to your DD that sex between 2 people who are in love is a wonderful way to express your love, but it should occur when they are committed to each other, preferably in a marriage. (I know that teens are not likely to wait until marriage in many cases. LOL)
What I did with mine - all 4 of them, 2 boys, 2 girls: All of the above, plus I told them that sex was not just a physical act, it was an emotional thing as well, particularly for females. And particularly teenage girls, will see sex as a commitment, while teenage boys see it only as something that feels really good.
There is a great opportunity for them to be hurt deeply emotionally when they start having a sexual relationship at a young age. I also told mine that sex changes a relationship forever, and once you have sex with someone, it's almost impossible to go back to just holding hands with them, plus once you've had sex, it makes it that much easier to have sex with the next person you're involved with.
Another thing which is SO true these days, is you ARE really sleeping with everyone the other person has ever slept with. Many STD's don't present symptoms right away, and some not at all sometimes.
Sex is not love, and love is not sex, they are 2 separate things, and easily confused when you are *in love*. Teens should be aware that it's not all fun and games, that they need to be mature enough to handle the responsibility of a sexual relationship.
Something else I told my DD, her virginity was a gift for her to give to someone she was in love with and who was in love with her, and that she should be proud to have that gift to give to the right person. Save it and don't waste it on the wrong one.
I starting talking to mine way before puberty, but not in the depth I spoke of above. I taught mine when they were in preschool about body parts, and that they were *private*. It's definitely not one of those *all or nothing* topics of conversation, it is a gradual thing. But when it does come down to the actual S-E-X talk, what I posted above is how I handled it, and the talks were often and repetitive. Call it reinforcing what you've already already taught them. I just figured that they were better off armed with correct information and knowledge and that it would (hopefully) prevent an unwanted pregnancy or illness or heartbreak.
OH - forgot to add this - and it's very important:
I told my girls that it's up to them to control the situation and make sure it doesn't go too far. We all know how enjoyable lying around smooching and feeling is, right? Teenage boys are VERY easily aroused. I told my girls it's up to them to NOT let it go too far, to the point of no return, so to speak. When they start getting carried away they need to THINK about the consequences and put on the brakes. It's not likely teenage boys will do that; that's why I told the girls NOT to let it go too far.
I told the boys that no means NO, no matter who, what or where.
I told all of them that having unprotected sex was inexcusable, stupid and dangerous. And to be very blunt, I told the boys they have 2 hands and there's a lock on the bathroom door. Very crude, I admit, but I wanted them to know that pressuring someone into having sex and/or having unprotected sex were just not acceptable.
And the whole issue of respect needs to be included too, both for yourself and the other person. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you have respect for yourself, others will respect you. That includes sexually.
Don't tell them *how* to have sex. That is one thing that will come naturally WHEN it is their time. DO tell them that sex is not just kissing though, although kissing is foreplay to sex. But make sure they understand that just because you kiss someone, you are not going to have intercourse with them!
If they ASK you how it's done and they push that question, you can say something like men and women who are in love have a very special relationship, and their lovemaking takes place in their bedroom. It is a very private thing, just between them. If they want more details, tell them, they kiss and caress each other and he places his penis in her vagina and this is what making love is. I didn't make that up, it was actually in a book my pediatrician let me borrow to explain it to my kids, and when Jen was around 6 she would not let up on that subject. I talked to the ped. and she advised reading this book to them. It was very basic, just like I wrote above. That satisfied the curiosity. LOL
Many teens (teen girls, anyway; with boys it's ALWAYS anything goes!) will say EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW about oral sex. It's better for your kids if you are honest and specific.
And, since we're *still* talking about sex, IMO masturbation should be discussed. Many, many people are too embarrassed to talk about it and/or feel ashamed. And yes, it's sometimes a little embarrassing to either you or your child when you bring this up, but let's face, EVERY one has done this and it's NORMAL. And kids need to KNOW that what they are feeling and experiencing and doing is normal. They also need to understand that it's personal and private.
In this day and age, the more knowledge they have about their own bodies, about sex, birth control, STD's, relationships, pregnancies, the safer they will and hopefully they will make smarter, INFORMED decisions. JMHO.........
I didn't learn all this from anyone's example and certainly not from my parents. My mom gave us a *little* information and we pretty much found out the rest by trial and error. And that is exactly why I've been so open with all my kids about this. If someone had talked to me this way, and if I had known all these things, especially the emotional consequences of having sex too young, I think I'd have hung on to my own virginity longer, and NOT made some of the stupid decisions I did. And that's what I hoped to help my kids avoid.
Girls usually equate sex with commitment, and unfortunately a lot of guys will tell them they love them, etc. *just* to get them to have sex with them
And, as Ginny said in a post I found in this same search:
"And if your child tells you s/he is in love, don't tell them they aren't. They are (remember yourself at that age). That this love will probably pass is something they won't want to hear, so take it seriously and treat their emotions with respect. They will be more likely to listen to you about the other stuff if you treat their feelings respectfully."
OMG! I am so freaked out! I am not ready for this! LOL! DD (2 1/2) has just started pointing out breasts and has been talking about her "gina" and other fun body parts. LOL!
I will just say that I remember being really young and friends talking about sex. By 13 you do need cold hard facts, because kids are not only talking about it, some are having sex! I remember boys talking about it when I was 8! Actually, even younger than that! Also, just because your kids don't mention it to you, does not mean they are not hearing about sex in school. I NEVER brought it up with my Mom and she never talked about it.
Trina, Boo hoo! Your conversation brought a tear to my eye! That is a really sweet moment.
At her age I would review some basic male and female anatomy and physiology and the mechanics of sex. Start by finding out what she does and doesn't know (or misconceptions she may have) and go from there.
As far as things like "how it feels", I remember reading in a book my sister bought for my neice that said that sex feels like scratching just the right spot when you have an itch Thought that was a pretty appropriate analogy. I would relate how it feels emotionally, but be a vague about the specifics physically. My boys are 6 and 9 and we have had a talk with the oldest about sex (he was less than impressed). However, my husband is a youth minister and so I am around teenagers A LOT. I have a group of girls who are juniors and seniors in high school and meet at my house every Tuesday night. They have frequently asked me questions about sex (they are all virgins). I say to them that I will tell them anything they want to know that I know the answer to except personal questions about *exactly* what DH and I do, how often, positions, etc...in other words all of that really personal stuff. These are smart, savvy girls and they are clueless about how boys operate. They were flabbergasted when I told them how easily and often guys, esp. highschool guys, are aroused. They would say "not so-and-so" because he's so nice, smart, classy, etc. and I'm saying "oh yes, he does too...so does your brother, your best "guy" friend, etc." The point was for them to take some responsibility in dressing modestly and not making life any tougher for guys than necessary.
Just follow your daughter's lead and tell her that some personal info is off-limits. As far as not "giving it a go with just anyone" you might want to look at the "True Love Waits" program. It is a church-based program (usually in February) that advocates abstinence until marriage. The child and parents each sign pledgecards and in a special ceremony the parents present the child with a ring worn on the ring finger of the left hand that says "True Love Waits" as a reminder of their committment to sexual purity. I know many people just blow off teenage abstinence as something of a bygone era, but my DH and I waited for marriage and each other through 6 loooong years of dating so I know it can be done...and the best things in life ARE worth waiting for. I wouldn't trade my wedding night for anything! Similarly I am around a lot of teenagers, college students, and young adults who are virgins and committed to it.
Good luck on the talk and major kudos to you for having such an open relaitonship with your daughter that she can ask questions and you can openly dialogue with her about it. I can't imagine my mom and I having such a discussion.
Last night at supper, my 11yo was reading the comic strip, Zits. Jeremy, the teen-age boy in the strip must have been playing "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar for his mom. (I didn't see yesterday's strip). His mom mentions that that song was playing when Jeremy was "conceived". Jeremy goes "Eww" in his brain and says, "Now, I have to go boil my guitar strings."
Anyway, my 11yo was asking what the word, "conceived" meant and I told her it was actually making the baby. She said, "Ohhhh," and went back to reading the rest of the comics.
I suppose to the "kid" in the comic strip, that was too much information, huh? Maybe too much information for my kid, too!
Neither of my kids has ever asked how sex "feels", though! Yikes!
My older dd got her period a few weeks shy of 11-1/2. The younger one, is already 11-3/4 and hasn't gotten hers yet. She has breasts, though, so I keep thinking it can't be too far off. she is having more emotional outbursts than she used to, so I'm thinking hormones are messing with her pretty well.
I have a funny story to tell. The folks who owned the pharmacy that I worked at for 3 years had a son who was about 4 and 1/2 when I got pregnant. I stopped working at the pharmacy & started to babysit for them (they had an 11 month old at the time, too). So eventually, the mom began giving me baby things & my belly began to grow. Up until then, they had only told their son (when he asked) that when 2 people get married, then they have babies & start a family. It came to the point that they had to tell him I was going to have a baby. I was not married. So the mom picks the son up from school & she said " I have some exciting news to share, Mindy is going to have a baby" so he gives her a really strange look & says "Who is Mindy MARRIED to????" So then she explains to him that sometimes 2 people meet & LOVE each other & have a baby, even though they are not married. So he gives her the same look & says "Who does mindy LOVE????" It was the funniest thing & I felt so bad about him having to hear about babies being born out of wedlock at such a young age!!! And it was my fault! LOL
So then he ended up running aoound telling EVERYONE "Mindy's having a baby & she's not married. She loves Anthony & they are having a baby, and they're not married, they just love each other"!! Great! LOL
Oh no! LOL! That is a funny story.
As you know I have a Freshman this year. There are girls in her class that openly talk about sex durning class time and at lunch break. When I say openly I mean it. They talk about positions, places, times and who with. These girls are also Freshman... Callie knows about sex and she knows about many sexual positions (thanks to these girls and others I have gotten the privilege of explaining things like this to my 14 year old daughter). Callie said they sure talk about it a lot. I told her from my experience.. girls that talk about sex often are not having it and are afraid everyone will see them as uncool if they can't pop off with a sex story of their own or talk about it because they feel poorly about themselves and are trying to get conformation from the other girls that they are cool and it was worth it. Callie thinks they are stupid and that sex is a personal issue between two people. She doesn't want to know if you are having sex or not and she surely wouldn't want you to know she if she is having sex. She said it makes the girls look trashy and they have less respect from the other kids in the class. And I told her that often boys take out girls like that because they know (have heard) they are sexually active and they think they will be able to get sex from them too. Trish I know this is of no help to you but I figured the other mom's with teens might not be hearing from their kids what is going on. As many of the mom's on here have said they would never have talked to their mom about sex. So just because your kid isn't asking or telling doesn't mean the questions aren't there. With Dillan I have to make the conversation. He seldom will ask a question. Callie will ask a question and I will answer her and he is usually there to get the information too. Or I will think of something he needs to know about and I will go to him and say something about it which opens up a discussion. Just like with anything our children are not the same and they need to be dealt with in different ways according to what they can handle. But don't just assume that they don't have questions because they aren't asking them... The kids in school are sexually active and they are talking and your child is hearing... Start early and start small. 2 year olds should start hearing the proper names for their "private" area's, they also should be starting to learn modesty and proper behaviors. Those are ground rules that you build off of as they grow up.. That way once you reach late middle school early high school you will be ready to complete the sex education chapter in their lives.
I don't think my 14 yo daughter's friends talk about that stuff. They are too busy and into lots of other stuff.
DD14 and one friend are going to ring bells for the Salvation Army on Saturday for Key Club. DD14's friend that originally was going to bell-ring with her is doing a walk to raise money for people who don't have enough money to pay their heat bills.
Dawn, These kids are not her friends. These are girls in her class. They are not kids that she talks to. The girls all but get on the PA and announce it to the whole school. They sit in the back of the class chatting about last nights excitement.
Callie's actual friends sound a lot like your DD's type of friends. Last year they got together and talked to the principle of the school and they took their study halls and raked the leaves and shoveled snow at a few of the homes of the elderly in the neighborhood near their school. Callie is in the Spanish club as school and is very involved in the things that they do in that class for the community. And Callie and her group of friends girls and boys a like have a no sex until marriage pact, they hold each other accountable for many things beyond that. No smoking, no drinking, keeping grades up, priorities, and plans for the future and sticking to them. They are all strong A-B students. And all of them are from very involved solid Christian homes and are very open in school that they are Christians. And none of them are dating because they feel it complecates friendships and they would rather have friendships than a short term realationship. So they have fun as a group. There are 6 girls in the group and 8 boys in the group. Callie is a very good kid, very straight laced and very secure in who she is and where she is going.
That said, Callie is not deaf she hears what the girls are saying in class and she has questions because she doesn't have any experience in these things . She feels comfortable asking me for an explanation rather than mulling over the issue and coming up with her own wrong answers to her concerns or questions. I give her straight forward answers because I want her to hear the truth from me not a pack of lies from some 14 year old girl trying to save face over her indiscretions. In three years and 5 months she will graduate high school and legally be all on her own. I want her going out into the world prepared with a firm understanding of how things work, I don't want to even for one second pretend that she is still so young and I have plenty of time. The past 14 years have flown bye... I know the next four years are going to pass even quicker. And being uneducated leads to bad decission making. Example the girls that think oral sex is safe sex because you can't get pregnant. Or the girls that think if you have sex standing up you can't get pregnant. These are things that teen girls think and tell each other. I don't want my child learning her sexual education from some kid that has no clue.
Oh okay. Now, I understand. There are probably girls in her high school who talk about sex, then, since there are 1600 kids in her high school. She never talks about that, though.
Yes, I would rather my daughter get information from me than some misinformed kid at school.
My oldest DD is 14..and YEAH..they know more than we think they do. They talk..and know who is doing it and with whom. The kids nowadays are more graphic than we were in the 80's.
Have them visit an Aids shelter..let them know all the things that can happen if they fall into the trap of giving in too early.
STDs can kill their chances of having kids..pregnancy can ruin their future..and there is no gurantee that the boy they love today will stand by them tomorrow. Best to teach our daughters to WAIT until they are older to make the right decision..as i tell my daughter..Why rush it? You are too young to really enjoy sex, and the boys don't know enough about it for it to even be worth the effort.
Tomorrow night, Sunday, on the Oxygen channel at , I think, 9 eastern, Dr. Johassen (sp)is having a special show about talking about sex with new teenagers. You may want to check it out. I always find her very honest and knowledgable. Fun to listen to, too!
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