My oldest dd has a prosthetic left eye (she was born without a left eye) and has had one since just after she came home at 17 months. Today at church ( a new church we just recently started attending and were feeling very comfortable and happy with) a former neighbor and her children were at the same service as us. This neighbors daughter who is 5 ran up to my 10 year old dd after service saying in a very loud voice..Hey Holly let me see that fake eye you have...she turns to her little friend and proceeds to say in her loudest voice she has one real eye and one fake eye you can tell because the fake eye is bigger. I am just in shock when I was a kid I was teased endlessly about my weight and I felt my daughters pain right along with her. Holly tried to walk away from this little girl but she continued to follow her around all the time saying things like let me see your eye etc. Here mother was standing right there tallking with someone else and did not say a thing to this little girl (this is typical behavior for this woman). As were leaving church the little girls yells By Fake Eye see you later. My dd was angry that this child did this. I have to admit that I felt like crying (that was my response when I was a child).
I need some help on how to help my dd with comments like this as walking away didn't seem to help and I know from experience that letting it hurt you and crying doesn't do any good either. I was so dissapointed because we have searched so long for a church that we felt comfortable in and enjoyed and then a month after we start going they start going as well. Not to mention that knowing this little girl as I do I know that her comments to Holly won't be the last.

By Marcia on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 04:03 pm:

Could Holly maybe deal with it a different way next time? Instead of walking away, she could educate them about it a bit. As I'm sure you know, my kids have many different challenging needs. Two of them use wheelchairs, and kids ask me why all the time. I simply say that their muscles aren't strong enough for them to walk. The next biggest thing is that Sonja is fed through a tube. I ask Sonja's permission, even though she's not verbal, then I show them and tell them all about it. They're always fascinated.
Kids are very curious, but sometimes it comes out very inappropriately. Without the proper role models, which that kid obviously didn't have with her mom, they won't learn. Hopefully, when they see how normal this is for you dd, they'll stop asking.

By Ginnyk on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 04:19 pm:

Sorry to disagree, Marcia, but I think this little girl doesn't want to be educated, she wants to be a brat - and her mother lets her.

My suggestion, the next time the girl approaches your daughter and says anything unpleasant or about your dd's eye, take her by the hand, walk her over to her mother, and say in a clear voice that others can hear - Please control your daughter and make her stop harrassing my daughter. She is being rude and very unkind.

Maybe momma will, maybe she won't, but your daughter will know you stood up for her and that will count a lot. And if others around momma hear your request, that may help. And you can bet momma's daughter will hear about it from her uncaring mother.

By Marg on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 04:58 pm:

Tammy,

My oldest daughter had a speech/language delayment. She didn't start speaking until 3 1/2 and I was the only one who could truly transcribe her speech. My problem was the doctor I took her to since she was born up until she was 7. Every time we saw him (he wasn't an old dr. either), he would ask me if Rachel fell on her head. It made her and I feel awful every time we went to the doctor.

The psychologist told us that one day she would just click and it did happen. However, it took a long time and when she spoke to kids, often she was made fun of which made her very shy and angry. I was like Marcia sometimes, especially if the kids were in her class, I wanted them to understand what she had (we never truly found out) and for them to look at the true Rachel. For others who just made fun of them, and if I was around each situation was different on how her and I reacted. Finally she decided if people couldn't see her for who she was they weren't worth the effort. She figured this out on her own.

We finally went to a different doctor who put everything in place and at the age of 9 things "clicked" she is a totally different girl. She is now 11. She is strong, determined and very outgoing. She doesn't speak much of her struggles only with her current family doctor who was a blessing from God and understands her like a book.

Each child and situation is different. I was teased as a child for being a "toothpick." I felt like I never fit in anywhere but I always got along with everybody. However, I also agree with Ginny, understand, kindness and compassion is learned from a parent. A parent can easily correct this behavior with the appropriate understanding and words to a child. We have to remember we are the parents and we teach our children. Not all parents must have this capability (a little joke). I saw it too many times with my own child. Good luck. And you are raising your daughter to be a fine, young woman. Just keep reminding her it is what is on the inside of each individual that counts! Just my $.02

By Marcia on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 06:06 pm:

Ginny, I understand what you're saying, but the little girl is 5. I would certainly hope she isn't just a rotten brat, but someone who has never been shown the right way to behave. Sounds like her mom's the one who doesn't get it.
I'm sure that this little girl won't be the only person who ever asks Holly about her eye. Hopefully she'll be able to be strong enough to share her experiences with others, and to make it a learning experience for them, rather than something so horrible for herself.

By Pamt on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 09:06 pm:

I agree with Marcia. I work with children with handicaps and special needs all day. As one child is leaving and another one coming they frequently stare and each other and ask questions "Why does he walk funny?, Why does she have those things in her ears (hearing aids)?" etc. I think it is a great opportuntity for education. I think I would have said something like, "Yes, DD does have a "fake" eye, but the correct term is a prosthetic eye. Isn't that cool that there is a special eye that matches her "real" one that she can wear? DD is special and she has this really cool eye, but it does hurt her feelings when you point out her eye to everyone. We are all special and all different and you wouldn't want someone to make fun of you because you have brown hair or freckles would you?" I'd take an approach similar to that and do keep in mind that she's mainly curious and is only 5. Yes, Mom may not be doing a great job of teaching her dtr some simple social graces, but I think that you can tactfully educate and reprimand her at the same time. Regardless, it's going to hurt your heart since you're the mama bear. (((Tammie)))

I remember one of my DS's pointing out someone at a restaurant with cruches and a very awkward gait. I assumed it was cerebral palsy. When my son made a rather loud comment I explained that the crutches helped the person to walk better and not have to be in a wheelchair. The lady overheard us (and I wasn't embarrassed because my comments had been supportive and explanatory). I told her that my son was questioning why she had crutches and told her what I had told him. She went on to explain that she had had polio and we both got to share with DS why his immunizations were important. It turned out to be a win-win situation for everyone.

By Tyaustinsma on Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 11:31 pm:

I have been in the same situation. I have a sister who was born with no eyes. she is not yet able to get prosthetic eyes because the opening is still too small. Everywhere we go we get looked at,people whisper and other children laugh.at first I would get very angry, sometimes when I was younger I would actually get in to a argument , now I just realize that some people are just ignorant and if it is a child and the parent is around I do confront them,because I feel this is the only way the child will learn,recently I was at the store and a girl about 7 with her mom was laughing and very loudly saying to her mom what is wrong with her, I approached the girl and mother and said she is no different then you,except god choose to make her special so she was born without eyes. I looked at her mom and I simply told her that she should teach her child that some children are different then others and how being rude and laughing at people really hurts,I said you never know someday you or someone in your family could be the one being laughed at, then how would you feel. The mother had tears in her eyes and said she was very sorry. Sometimes people just need to understand how it feels to get them to wake up and think about what they do.

By Ginnyk on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 06:41 am:

I have a few reasons for my suggestion. The first is my concern for Holly, the little girl. She is being harrassed by this child. My own feeling is that she would feel a lot better if she saw her mom "stick up for her". At her age, she is too young to be able to handle this very well. I have, over the years, gotten feedback from my sons that at the times I took public action on their behalf, they felt good about it, proud of and grateful for me, and in many ways it strengthened them in being able to stand up for themselves in the future because they saw me doing it.

Second, why is it the responsibility of the person who is "different" to be a teaching event? If Mommyof4 wants to do that, that is her choice. But I think it is asking a lot of a 10 year old to be so mature. If someone like the person Pamt speaks of chooses to do so, that's fine and very generous, but I think it is asking a lot of a child.

Third, yes, this child is not to blame for not having been taught well, but even a 5 year old knows when someone (Holly) is walking away from her, and the final yelling "Byebye Fake Eye" as Holly was leaving church shows a desire to hurt.

Fourth, the mom knew what was going on and chose not to intervene. IMO, she should be reminded of her responsibility to teach her child manners, as publicly as her child embarrassed Holly. Mommyof4 says she searched long and hard to find a church in which her family would be comfortable, and if this child's behavior persists she will have to go through that again just because another mom chooses not to restrain a rude child.

Finally, you ladies are nicer than I. I am very protective of my children (as I am sure you are) and my sons would describe me as over-protective. Something like this occurrance makes my blood boil and I would want to deal with it, strongly.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 07:33 am:

Ginny, I agree with Marcia and Pam. Education is key. I've been in similar situations with my kids and believe I'm standing up for my kids when I speak up and educate others. Every time I have done so I've gotten similar responses as Tyaustinsma above. Educating others about my DK's special needs/situations has taught my kids to stand up for themselves and not feel embarrassed or intimindated. An added benefit is their respect for other people with special needs.

As a mother and former K teacher, it's my experience that 5 yr. olds are very innocently curious and still learning social graces. The particular little girl in Mommyof4's situation was over zealous but I do agree this is a perfect opportunity to educate her, about special needs and about name calling! I would do so in a tactful manner and within earshot of her mother if possible.

Both my kids have severe food allergies and wear Medic Alert bracelets. At first they were very self concious about their bracelets and became withdrawn if anyone asked about them. They were also embarrassed about having to bring their own cupcake to birthday parties. I always spoke up and confidently explained the seriousness of their food allergies and the importance of the Medic Alert bracelets and eating food that was safe for them. Now they proudly wear their bracelets and have no qualms about educating others about their food allergies. Their peers look out for them to be sure everything they eat is safe.

My DD had severe articulation delays and began speech therapy at 3. She is a social kid but would clam up around people we didn't know well because she knew they didn't understand her. Last year we went to a playground and DD seemed to click with another little girl. They played together and chatted as little kids do and then I heard DD's new playmate exclaim in a very bossy manner, "STOP talking like a baby!" All was still for a moment. I thought for sure DD would burst into tears, but she made me proud when she confidently replied with her hands on her hips, "I'm not talking like a baby. I'm in peech therapy to learn how to talk better!" At that point the little girl said, "Oh, OK," and off they went merrily. The mother apologized profusely. LOL!

So, after all this babbling, I guess my point is, that educating other people about special needs and/or situations is sticking up for your child.

By Brandy on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 07:35 am:

When i was growing up i was teased just because i wasn't in the "in" group i hated that but i don't really let it bother me.My best friend growing up had one shorter arm than the other but i was her friend just the same and i actually didn't notice it for awhile. when i did i asked her about it and she told me all about it.She said people would stare at her all the time and that she just wished they would ask so she could explain it instead of them just staring at it.I think i would feel the same way as you as in being upset and wanting to cry but however i believe the kind of mom i am (being that good or bad lol) i would definitely say something to the girl and or her mother..When it comes to my husband or kids i can do and say so many other things if is about me i just cry about it.

By Beth on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 08:47 am:

I think I would call this mother at home. If you confront her at church it could get ugly. You don't have to be mean or rude. Just mention to her I didn't know if you noticed or not. But your daughter was asking Holly some questions about her eye and pointing it out to everyone. I would probably even mention the name she called her. I would ask her to talk to her daughter about it. She then will be educated by who she should be educated by in the first place her mother. It sounds like to me your daughter or you taking that approach isn't going to help this child. I think it would be good for your daughter though to think about how she could handle it next time. It will unfortunately propably happen again. Another child may be receptive to you or her explaing it. Good Luck!

By Mommyof4 on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 09:49 am:

Thanks for all your responses. We honestly have never had to deal with this before because unless you know to look for the differences in her eye ie. movement etc you dont notice that it is different. Usually people can tell a prosethic eye because the pupil of the seeing eye is diallated and the prosethic obviously is not. Holly is Asian in descent and so has very dark brown almost black eyes so you aren't able to tell wthout getting right in her face wether or not her pupil is dialted or not. Many of her friends and their parents know about her eye and most of them forget about it and only remember it when they have tried to get her attention while standing on her left side and she needs to remind them that she can't see them there.
I agree that we do need to be prepared to educated curious kids (eventhough this hasn't been an issue yet)BUT this child lived next door to us for over 2 years her older sister went to the same day care as Holly and her sisters so her parents are very aware of Holly's circumstances as is the child. Holly and I felt as if she was using Holly as entertainment for herself and her friend. I understand that she is only 5 and that without guidance she may not understand that this is not appropriate behavior so I am not blaming the child but rather the mom who stood by and let her do this. I guess that is what upset me is that this was someone we knew and they were educated about the circumstances.
Looking at all the responses I think that everyone has a valid point. Ginny in that this child was acting like a brat (behavior that her parents continually allow). I agree with others that when a truly curious child who isn't aware of the cirumstances comes along then we should use it as an opportunity to show them that while her eye is different it really isn't strange or weird.

By Vicki on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 11:27 am:

I too agree with Marcia. My dd is now in third grade, but ever since K there have been two little girls in her grade (sometimes in her class). One is in wheel chair (muscular problem) and the other has cancer. In K, these girls went around to each classroom and talked about what was wrong with them along with their partents to every child in the grade. They educated them and answered questions and showed the kids that even though they might have things that are different, they are normal kids just like them. Both of those girls have been in my daughters class for the past two years. I have NEVER seen or heard anyone make fun or tease them. I also believe that kids are curious and they don't know how to express themselves. And at the age of 5, it is even harder. I really don't mean to be rude at all, but having a prosthetic eye is different, and I am sure kids are going to be curious about it. Some might even be grossed out about it. But I really believe that if they are educated about it and know they hows and whys of it, they will just come to see it as normal. I can almost bet you that some little child will ask her if she can take it out. I say educate them and let them see and let them ask questions!! Once the curiousity wears off, they won't even notice it!! Good Luck!!

By Mommyof4 on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 12:48 pm:

Vicki have you seen a prosthetic eye??? It is NOT gross.


**This was my First response to your post and I was hurt by it. After thinking for a few minutes about it I realized that yes it isn't really gross but you were right how would anyone who hasn't seen one KNOW this??

By Colette on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 12:55 pm:

One thing we tell the kids in kindergarten, when they make an unkind comment, is "unkind words hurt hearts, and hearts take a long time to heal" - 5yr olds usually understand that they need to apologize for a comment like that, but with the remark she made - bye Fake eyes - I wouldn't expect much from the mother or the child.

By Mommyof4 on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 12:56 pm:

I posted a response that was based soley on my emotions and my hurt for my dd. I ache for my dd because I know how it feels to be ridiculed in public I know that she just wanted to hide. She and I have a lot of things to talk about to come up with a way to deal with this as she really doesn't want more attention brought to it and if I had said something yesterday I know the Mom would have gotten involved (in her own dd's defensive even if I were kind about my explination on why she shouldn't say those things to Holly...I know this based on past experiences with this person) this is NOT what Holly wanted she didn't want a lot more attention brought to it. We need to work on making HER feel more comfortable and confidnent about it so that when someone does point it out she won't see it as a shortcoming of hers.

By Marcia on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 01:30 pm:

I think you're exactly right, Tammie. You won't always be there to take control of the situation for her, so it's best that she learns to deal with it.
As for gross, I don't think Vicki meant the eye was gross, but the thought of some things gross kids out. I'm sure that everyone here would be grossed out if I asked you if you wanted to see the tube that goes into Sonja's stomach, but if you looked, you'd realize there's nothing gross about it.
I think education for the others is key, and it can only empower Holly.

By Vicki on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 03:55 pm:

Mommyof4, please let me say that I am sorry. I didn't at all mean that her eye was gross, but imagion someone who is 5!! That is the level that you need to be thinking on when you hear these comments that kids make. I didn't at all mean to offend you and I am VERY sorry if I did. I was relating it to how a CHILD would look at it. Kids say what is on their mind plain and simple. The are sometimes brutily honest about what they are thinking. One time, my daughter saw a black man in the store and asked me (in that LOUD child voice) why he was so dirty!! I am sure some people might have been totally appauled (sp?) by that, but she honestly didn't know better than to blurt that out. I think she was about 3 years old. Don't ask me why she chose that time to say something because she certainly saw black people before then!! I guess she just finally noticed !! LOL We have to teach them about things. If you educate them and let them ask questions and such, like I said, they will then understand and she won't be different. But like I said, be ready for some doozy questions. I couldn't believe the questions the K kids came up with for the little girls in dd's class. Again, I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. I was talking about how kids might be viewing things, not how I was.

By Eve on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 05:39 pm:

Oh my goodness, I feel for you. I would have felt so hurt and I KNOW I would have marched up to the little girl and told her to apologize! I'm not sure if that is the right thing though. (If there is a right thing, that is!)

My only advice would be to look at this as a learning opportunity for your DD. She may encounter this again. I would try to give her the tools to handle the situation. I'm not so sure that jumping in would really solve anything. If it were my DD, I would do my best to empower her to stand up for herself and to let her know that Mommy loves her very much, but Mommy can't be with her every moment at school or when someone calls a name. I know my DD will be called names at some point in her childhood. That seems to be just life, unfortunately.

I've had really good luck with Love and Logic so far. They have a Website. They have lots of books and tapes for sale. Some of the books relate to this exact situation. Maybe check it out. Maybe you can find some tools to help your DD handle the situation.(http://www.loveandlogic.com )

BTW-It sounds like she handled it pretty well. She tried to walk away. Maybe some of the books can help her find a phrase to use to stop someone in their tracks; unarm them.

If my DD was the 5 year old asking your DD about her eye, I think I would have jumped in to help explain or to help ask your DD about it. Would that be offensive? Just curious, because it's what I do if we see someone in a wheelchair or anything that catches my DD's attention. I always try to point things out and say "Isn't that cool? The world is made up of so many different kinds of people!" DD always answers back "OH! YES! Cool!" LOL!

I feel for you and your DD. Words hurt and stick with you. It's just sad that no one ever told the 5 year old little girl that!!