Micro-managing my 5th grader
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2003:
Micro-managing my 5th grader
My oldest dd is 10 and in the 5th grade. I am so frustrated with her today that I literally started to cry. I must micro-manage her every move if she is to get anything done. I'm sure this is my fault but what do I do about it now????? I will remind her that she has dance class in an hour and that we must leave in 45 minutes and she needs to have her dance clothes on and her bag ready by that time....45 minutes later she still is not ready and if i want to get out of the house I end up helping her find her clothes and bag.
Today for instance she is signed up for orchestra to play the violin. She brought a note home 2 weeks ago from the strings instructor explaining the program and when the in school and afterschool lessons would begin. Holly cirlced that she would have lessons in school on Monday's and she made a note not to bring her violin the next Monday (this would have been monday Sept 1 labor day--no school) so I made sure she had her violin today when she went to school as according to the letter she would have an in-school lesson today. As I am waiting for her after school I see her walking down the hill minus her violin. I am frustrated as she has private violin practice about 45 min after school today and she knew about this yet she "forgot" her violin at school. I ask her where her violin is she puts her hand to her head and says "I'll go back and get it" . We finally get home and she shows me a blue note (note from teacher when a student hasn't finished their homework) she "forgot" to do one page of the homework assignment because she "forgot" to write it all down in her planner. We have a discussion about this and then it is time to go to her private violin lesson. On the way I ask her how the lesson at school went today..she say's I didn't have a lesson today. I ask why she says I don't know. I ask if she asked the instructor about it. No, she was goig to check the sheet all day to see if she was scheduled but she "forgot". I asked if other kids in the class got up and left the classroom with their instruments for lessons. She says yes. I ask why that didn't prompt her to look at the schedule or ask the teacher. She says I don't know. She then gets out of the van to go in for her lesson and she has left everything she needs BUT the violin in the van. So I have to tell her to come back to get her other things. Then I start to cry.
I am sure that this is my fault but what do I do about it? I really need to know what I can do to help her start to think ahead and plan for what she needs. I am wearing myself out just checking up on her and when I don't and she hasn't remembered or done something I know she knows about I get a little angry and frustrated. Someone PLEASE PLEASE help me.
I am a huge fan of Love and Logic Parenting. Have you heard of it? It's by Fostere W. Cline and Jim Faye. It's all about teaching kids responsibility by letting them live with consequences in a loving way. I think it would really help her. I think you are at least partially right when you say it's your fault. (Gosh, I hope that reads okay!) She doesn't have to remember to do things because she knows you will be right there to remind her every step of the way. That's unfair to you and it's not a good habit for her. I think it's good you want to put a stop to that now.
Here is the link to their products:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/ProductList.aspx?cat=2&template=ProductsList
I would recommend starting with Parenting With Love and Logic which is the basics of the program. They also have a great audio tape called "Four Steps to Responsibility" which does a great job of explaining the four steps with real life examples.
These books and tapes have made a huge difference in the way I approach my kids.
Good luck!
I have heard that the Love and Logic Parenting series is amazing.
Hope you gets things all worked out!
This may sounds bad, but my *DH* is the same way. He would leave for work without his head if I didn't remind him to fasten it on *every* day. It gets frustrating. So, in a sense, I feel where you're coming from. (((hugs)))
I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is the same way. However, keep in mind that 5th grade is a very hard year. All of a sudden they have tons more homework and tons more outside activities. Here is my theory, which I'm sure will be totally different than most people, but I think this works: Keep helping her, and reminding her. Eventually it will become habit. There are a lot of things I don't like about the "let them suffer the consequences" theory. Here they are:
1. What if they don't care about the consequences? What if they don't care if they miss their violin lesson?
2. I think it teaches the child that it's not that important to you.
3. I think it's better to teach a child by showing them over and over (and over and over) than by letting them fall on their faces.
4. If they fall on their faces often enough, they start to think of themselves as someone who falls on his/her face. If they forget their homework yesterday and the day before and the day before, they begin to think that's just the way they are. If you help them get their homework to school, they think of themselves as someone who gets their homework to school.
5. If you consistently ask every day as they are getting in the car "What have you forgotten?" eventually they will ask themselves, "What have I forgotten?"
6. I think a child who is motivated by not wanting to fail already is programmed to remember things. So if your child is forgetting things, she's probably not as motivated by fear of failure. Therefore, letting her fail probably won't work. This doesn't mean she's not a good kid. My DD is the same way and she's a GREAT kid. I think a better motivation is for your daughter to experience the joy of success, by feeling the satisfaction of getting good grades, learning to play the violin, etc., etc.
In my experience with my daughter, you don't have to do this forever. My dd is in 9th grade now and is still very forgetful and slow getting ready, but she is so much better. I never see her homework now; she just goes in her room and does it. All through 5, 6, and 7th grade I was constantly reminding her about stuff, and she ended up getting all A's and being a great little dancer and piano player. She has SO much self-confidence. If I had let her fail, she wouldn't have the confidence she has now. She hangs around with smart kids (a great advantage, because they always know when homework is due) because other people think of her as a smart kid.
I know I sound like I'm on a soapbox, and I wont' be surprised if others don't agree with me, but I just thought I'd throw this out there. My son is totally different, he's very good at remembering things, but I would say my daughter is actually smarter, and just needed my help in developing the skill of remembering things. That's what it is…a skill that can be taught, in my humble opinion.
That's how dd11 was in 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade. She would DO her homework, but then just NOT hand it in! It was in her backpack, too! I don't know why. It drove me nuts! I was dreading middle school coming up because she needed to be nagged all the way to do homework, too! Grrr.
However, in 5th grade, don't know what it was, but she started doing homework on her own without all the prompting! She was handing it in, too! Or missing recess if she forgot something at school and couldn't get it done. Even on the nights that I worked into the evening, I would come home and everyone's homework would already be done. I guess she just decided herself to take more responsibility for it. Also, was good about taking her flute to school AND practicing it!
Now, cleaning the house is a different matter. I swear if you don't lay it all out for them, they don't figure out that dishes need to be done, etc.!
If kids forget their instruments, I'm too much of a softie and I always take their instruments to school. It doesn't happen all that often.
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