Hi everyone. I apologize in advance but this one I fear will be a long posting. My ds will be 4 next month. He was in a home daycare setting from 6 months - 3.6 years old and has been at home since May. He started last week at his preschool and he is absolutely miserable. I know it's normal for him to cry and feel scared in the beginning and depending on the child this could go on for weeks but I feel that my ds' aversion to going is beyond normal. This is where I need your inputs. The school itself is wonderful and we were on a waiting list for nearly a year. I love the director. The problem is that I'm not crazy about his teachers. When we learned we got accepted, I took my ds as much I could for a couple of weeks to visit his class for an hour or two before his start date. He has two teachers. One is older and seems nice; however there were things I observed about her on my visits which bother me alot. One - A little boy was crying and in front of him she told me "this little boy cries all the time" and went on to tell me how he disliked "water play" and his mom is concerned etc. I thought this was very insensitive and inappropriate of her since he's nearly four and he can understand her. The other teacher who is younger hardly smiled and her voice was very dull and monotone. No enthusiasm at all. I know that he is very scared of the new situation and he's not used to the rigid structure of the school - understandly so. But as the week progressed his aversion to going to school grew only worse and over the weekend, he was so stressed out about Monday he couldn't really enjoy himself. Everytime I wanted to put him down for a nap or change his clothes or eat a meal he asked me "after this, do I have to go to school?" and would beg me not to take him. He wasn't himself and seem very down all weekend. Today he just freaked out and cried for an hour until he threw up. I decided to keep him at home today and I'm not sure what to do. I have him on other waiting lists and will be visiting other schools in the area so that I can keep my options open but the wait looks very long. This school doesn't appear suitable for him but it's only been one week and I don't want to be pre-mature in my decision. I have an appt with the director on Monday to discuss all of my concerns. If they address my concerns perhaps I will get an exception to have him go part time (they only do full time). My question is this. How normal is his behavior? Should I have forced him to go today despite his reaction? I have concerns about his teachers but am I overreacting??? The other kids seem to be fine with them. Please any advice will help!!!

By Kittycat_26 on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 02:17 pm:

What a tough situation!

For me it's always been hard to leave Timmy in daycare. Guess I've been lucky though because even the teachers that I don't care for, he seems to love. He will reach for them even when I am holding him. So, I figure that they must be doing something right.

I hope you get some answers. Good luck!

By Susan10 on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 03:27 pm:

Joyce, do you work? If so, what hours? Also, what are the hours he's in school?

By Mommyathome on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 03:32 pm:

It sounds like you are doing the right thing in making an appt with the director to discuss this.

I definitely sounds like this school is not for your DS IMO. I think that little kids are very impressionable at his age and that if he gets a bad taste for school now, that it can continue as he gets older.

If my DD acted the way that you described your DS acting (crying until throwing up, begging not to go etc.) I would not send him back to that school. Especially if you aren't impressed with the teachers.

I can tell that this is very upsetting to you and I feel so bad for your DS. Little kids are so tender hearted and I know it's hard to see them upset. I hope that your meeting gives you some answers. If you go to the meeting and still feel uncomfortable with the situation then I would pull him out. Just remember to trust your mommy instinct (((hugs)))

By Colette on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 03:42 pm:

I would be very concerned that the older teacher discussed a child other than your own w/you. That would be a big red flag. I would definately bring that up with the director. I work in public school and you are not allowed to discuss any student with anyone other than the child's parents, teachers directly involved with that student or the principal.

If this is upsetting you, and it obviously (and rightly) is, and you are able to keep him with you then I would take him out of preschool. Maybe he needs to be home w/you or maybe he just needs a different setting, but this is clearly not working for him.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 04:09 pm:

To add to what the others have said above, I'd say trust your mommy instincts. I had similar feelings when my DS started at his first preschool and it turned out NOT to be a good fit for him. After several rough months I pulled him out in March. I wish I had pulled him out sooner. The following year I enrolled him in a different preschool and the difference was like night and day! I always got good vibes from the directors and teachers and DS thrived there. In fact, DD went there as well and loved it, too.

By Tklinreston on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 04:48 pm:

Susan - To answer your question. I do work full time, five days a week from 9-6. I was on maternity leave for three months and only returned this past June. My mom and dad, who are retired has been taking care of my ds at our home until he was to start preschool. On his first week of preschool I have been going to work late and leaving early so that he wouldn't have to be there all day. He's been there from around 10:30 - 4:30. Today I suggested to him to go for only three hours and he still wouldn't stop crying and that's why I decided to keep him at home. My mom and dad has told me that they would support me in my decision and will continue to watch him if need be. Robin - I totally agree with you. I don't want his first experience w/school to be so traumatic and I feel I may be doing more harm than good by insisting he continue. My co-workers and other friends are telling me that I "mother" him too much and that he's a "mommy's boy" and that I would be teaching him it's ok to "quit" if I pull him out now. I need to "toughen" him up! I think they are all dead wrong! This situation is killing me and seeing him so upset breaks my heart. I can't focus at work and everytime I think of my ds, I start crying. My eyes are welling up with tears right now.. as I'm writing this. I do plan on meeting the director next week because she's on vacation this week (bad timing on her part I think) but I think I will keep him at home for now. I'm thinking about putting in a two week notice now though because that's the minium... I've already paid for this week and will have to pay for the next two weeks before I can pull him out. I hope I'm doing the right thing after having waited so long to get him in. But as several of you have said to trust my mommy instincts - that's what I feel that I'm doing. Thanks for your inputs.

By Mommyathome on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 05:01 pm:

IMO, pulling him out of this preschool would not be *babying* him or creating a *mommy's boy* out of him. Something is clearly not right. I think you are going about this the right way. You're doing a good mommy job!

By Melanie on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 05:02 pm:

Definitely trust your instincts. My boys went to a preschool here for three years (Two years each, with one year of an overlap between the two.) I absolutely loved the teachers the first two years-so warm and loving. The last year there was a complete change in staff and I never really cared for them or the way they ran things. My son, who had always loved school, no longer wanted to go. I had been serving on the board of directors for two years and felt obligated to see things through and try to make them better. I should have pulled him out. It was simply not a good match.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

By Debbie on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 05:17 pm:

I had a very similar situation. When my oldest ds turned 3-1/2, I decided to start him in preshool 2 days a week. I picked a school that was highly recommended. We visited and loved it. However, when school started, I was not very happy with ds's teacher. She didn't seem to really want to be there. She was not warm and welcoming at all. This was my ds's first time being left, so I expected tears. However, after the first day, he too would beg not to go. In the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was just him reacting to being away from me. Unfortunately, after a few weeks things got worse. It was a nightmare trying to get him there. He would cry and cry. I did keep in contact with the school and was told that he was fine once I left. It broke my heart to leave him and I found it so stressful to get him there. My gut was telling me that more was going on. The final draw was one morning I took him crying. I was standing outside the door signing him in when I heard the teacher talking to him. In front of everyone she was telling him to just sit in the corner until he was done crying. When he asked for me, she told him that she was sorry but I wasn't coming back anytime soon. This was in a very mean tone of voice. I marched in there and took him home. Needless to say, he never went there again. About a month after this, we found a wonderful school for him. He loved it from day one. His teacher was wonderful and it was great to watch my once shy child come out of his shell. Sorry this turned into a book. I guess the best thing I can say is to follow your instincts. I am so glad that I did.

By Tklinreston on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 05:31 pm:

Oh Debbie... your story sounds so much like my own. You guys are really helping me feel better about my decision and it means so much to me to know that you understand what I'm going through. I am certain at this point that I will not even pursue a part time arrangement because there's something about both of the teachers that I just don't like and no matter how much the director may talk to them, it can't change their personality. Either your warm and loving natured or you're not. Thanks again.

By Kate on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 06:05 pm:

I think you're making the right decision. He's only three, after all! I don't agree with your friends who say you're mothering him too much...that's your JOB! If it were me, though, I'd not take him back there ever again. You have to pay for two more weeks regardless, but you don't have to actually TAKE him there those two weeks. I'd tell him he's done with that school and he doesn't have to go back. What a relief it will be to him and all the more faster he'll recover from it. Why pay to torment him? Grit your teeth and pay, but leave him with your parents. You're not getting anything out of your money except a sad son. I know it's hard to lose good money, but you have no choice, unfortunately. Good luck to you both!!

By Dawnk777 on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 06:24 pm:

I don't think you're babying him too much, either. If he hates it that much, I would have a hard time making him go, too.

My dd11 had a wonderful preschool experience. She wished it would have been longer than only 2 hours a day 3 days a week. The teachers were nice to me and to the kids. Then both of my kids had wonderful kindergarten teachers, too! I would hate to turn him off of school at such a young age.

By Jtw on Tuesday, September 9, 2003 - 01:07 am:

I think that your friends don't know what they are talking about. Would they stay in a job that made them cry until they threw up? Of course not! You will only be doing him a disservice if you keep him there. In my kids school there are a lot of kids who are non-daycare kids, so they have seperation issues. The teachers let the parents stay as long as they want, so the kids will feel more comfortable about going. The teachers need to understand that these are little kids who are not emotionally able to sort out all of their feelings. They should be very understanding, not mean. Kids can pick up on adults feelings, so your ds probably knows that his teacher doesn't really like his job. I could never understand why people who don't like kids become teachers. I say cut your losses and hopefully the next one will be a better fit! Good Luck!!

By Feona on Tuesday, September 9, 2003 - 07:26 am:

Definitely go with your instinct!

Is he seperated from you? Some preschools do seperation. You sit in the hallway or classroom untill the child is seperated. I have seen kids throw up over seperation anxiety.

Can grand ma sit in the classroom or hallway next time you try?

By Marcia on Tuesday, September 9, 2003 - 09:50 am:

I wouldn't think it's a seperation thing, since he's used to you working such long days. I think it's a new setting thing, and maybe a personality conflict with the teacher or some kids. Do they have different classes for his age group? Maybe a switch would help. I've seen kids go through weeks of crying, but I've never had one that hated it so much they threw up. Poor little guy. I wouldn't worry so much if he was just crying at drop off time, or even now and then during the day. It's the upset at home that would concern me, because that shows it goes deeper.
I hope your talk with the director goes well, and that she can come up with some good solutions. If not, I'm sure he'd be much better off with your parents.