4th grader problem...long
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4th grader problem...long
We went to open house tonight. When we were in dd's 4th grade class, my son blurted out that dd and her BF stole two of the "little bears". (the bears are plastic, about an inch high. I'm not sure how the teacher uses them in her classroom. She had a small container on her desk. The container was full, so she might use them as a reward or reminder)
Dd was standing there and she blurted out that they didn't take them. Her face got red. The teacher was cool and said she doesn't listen to secrets or something...I just thought ds was making up a story. He is 6 and likes to antagonize his older sisters. Or so I thought.
We got home. Ds came up to me and said see, I told you they took them. he produced a small green bear.
I talked to dd. Finally after many "I don't know"s, a few lies, here is the story.
Last FRIDAY, her BF said to her that she was going to take one and that she would take one for dd too. DD said to her that she didn't believe her.
After school, bf slept over, she gave dd one of the bears.
Parenting was so much easier when they were in diapers!
My plan is to talk to bf's father over the weekend. He lives about two houses away. I will tell him the story. Hopefully he will agree with me to set up an appt. with teacher on Monday to tell her. I will do it even if he doesn't want to.
(bf's parents separated about a year ago. His wife moved away from the neighborhood. They have joint custody of bf and her younger brother).
I put her to bed, told her that I loved her. I also told her that her bf put her in a hard situation which dd should have told me about. I told her i want her to tell me these things. She started crying. If she had, dd would not be involved now and the matter would be in bf's house. Keeping something like stealing a secret, is wrong.
Do you think I am handling it okay? Not sure if bf will be at her dad's house this weekend or not, but dd can not play with her over the weekend. When we talk to the teacher on Monday, I will let her decide on a punishment, since bf stole the item from her.
Dd is a sensitive child and I think having to confront her bf, her dad, and the teacher, plus not being aloud to play with her on the weekend will be punishment enough, on our end.
What do you think?
I hope this makes sense.
Ok, first I thought that when you said BF that you were talking about a boyfriend!! (lol, I know I must be an idiot) Then about the time I got to the BF sleeping over, I realized that it was *best friend*.
But I think it sounds like you are handling the situation perfectly. It sounds like your DD has learned a lesson out of the whole ordeal. I think that talking with your DD's teacher and the best friends dad is a great idea.
And I completely agree...life is so much easier when the DK's are still in diapers.
Robin, yes!!! It is BF = best friend. I didn't even think it could mean boy friend.  Those years are right around the preteen corner.
Which are coming way too fast. LOL
It sounds to me like you are handling it appropriately. Wow, what a situation!
I like everything, except maybe leaving out the best friends dad. I could be wrong. I think I might just take my daughter to school with the bear, have her give it to the teacher and apologize. I think that would probably be enough. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that involving the BFs dad will result in opening a can of worms.
Oh Annie, how upsetting. And yes, I think you are handling it right - not going overboard and trying to get your dd to see that she should have come to you about it.
I understand what Susan is saying, because it is possible that BF will deny it and her dad will say "not my kid", leaving your dd hanging out to dry. But I think you have to nonetheless.
I do think that if you can work out a way for your dd and you to see the teacher privately, having her return it to the teacher is the right thing to do, but not in front of anyone else. And if you do that, certainly the BF's involvment will have to come out, so it is better to let BF know ahead of time that the parents now know what happened and the teacher will shortly.
BTW, is there some way to make sure your ds doesn't tell this story around the neighborhood or the school? I'd doubt it, myself, but perhaps you can impress him with the importance of keeping family matters in the family.
Counting bears, I have a jar myself. They're used for math lessons. I think you're handling it appropriately, but I agree with Susan. I'm not sure it's necessary to involve BF's dad. As a former teacher, I know this type of thing happens often. Yes, it needs to be addressed but it's not really that big of a deal.
Robin, I thought exactly as you did, until I got to the sleeping over part! LOL I also think you should handle your own dd, and leave the bf out of it. My dd had a bf that was trouble for years, and it was impossible to expect her parents to discipline her the way I did my own dd. Concentrate on building good character traits in your own child. I think making her take her bear back and apologizing would be good action for you to take.
So far this is what has happened:
I told dd this morning that she and friend should talk to the teacher and tell her that they were taken, and apologize. Hopefully, that is what happened and the teacher accepted their apologies, done deal. Keep your fingers crossed.
I just walked to the dad's house. I felt he should know. I would want to know. He is a Marine and has strong values. I told him what happened in the classroom, how my dd finally told me her version of the story. I stressed it was her version and friend's version might be different. I gave him the bear so he could show his daughter what he was talking about. (the friend lives half with him/half with mom)
I also thought I needed to tell him because the two are inseparable over the weekends and he would wonder why I wasn't letting them play together this weekend. He agreed on this also.
He is going to talk to his dd afterschool then call me later.
I do not want this to be a huge deal but what they did was wrong. I'm glad it was only a plastic bear and nothing more valuable. I also want to get the point across to dd that she can not allow her friends to put her in positions like this. I know it is hard on kids this age but it will be even harder if the same thing happens when she is a teenager. I did explain that she was in a tough position. Things happen in life that we have to make good choices and decisions about. Again, I am not 100% convinced that dd didn't take hers herself. I made this clear to the dad.
Thanks for your help. I'll post later this evening and let you know how things are turning out.
I did speak to ds about family matters. He asked me if he should have told me when the girls told him. I said absolutely. Then I gave him the "tattle-tale" speech. Their is tattling and there is telling, etc....
Annie, I agree that now is the time to give your daughter the first of what will undoubtedly be many lessons about honesty, about "if it's not yours leave it alone", about friends getting her in trouble, about the necessity to own up and apologize when you've done wrong and how painful that is (so it's better to not do it in the first place). I think you have also taught her a good lesson about being able to trust her mom. When you found out you didn't go bananas, you didn't tell her she could never see her again, and you didn't put her in the humiliating position of having to confess to the teacher in front of the class. You made sure that she knows she has done wrong, that she pays for it in reasonable ways. Now, when it's over, I am sure you are smart enough and caring enough to let it become history and not something that keeps coming up.
And yes, reinforcing for your son the difference between tattling and telling what should be told - which is a difficult and important distinction. Now, I hope he learned that there is a time to tell and a time not to (i.e., tell mom in private and don't tell mom and the teacher at a conference - almost certainly in an effort to get sis into trouble).
All in all, imo I think you handled it very well. That it was only a plastic bear makes it simpler, because you are clearly acting on the principal of the matter, not on the value of the item.
I totally thought bf was boyfriend too! I was thinking, "Uh... you have a bigger problem than counting teddy bears if a fourth grader has a boyfriend who is sleeping over! LOL!
LOL Laura... Well How did it go???
Dd didn't say anything to her friend about it in school. She was nervous that friend would be mad at her. I told her I don't think she would, you two are very close. DD said she felt uncomfortable. Dd also didn't say anything to the teacher because she said she didn't know how to talk to the teacher without everyone knowing she was "talking to the teacher". LOL If her version of the story is correct, then her telling the teacher is putting her into an awful position to rat out her friend, right there in class. I know that would be hard for anyone, especially a sensitive, 9 year old.
Friend is not at dad's house tonight. His car is not there and the house is dark.
We are sitting idle for now. Dd has been very helpful to me today. Offering to read ds a story for school, watching other dd play soccer while I watched ds.
Thanks for caring. I know dd learned a valuable life lesson.
If I don't hear a different version to the story from friend's dad, then the matter is closed in this household.
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks so much for your support. Parenting can be so tough!
I'm late in this, but I think you did a great job!!
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