I have a 13 year old son, who i thik is suffering from depression. I already have an appointment for therapy. He just recently came to me and told me that he was gay. at first, i thought, hes young, he doesnt know what he wants yet. recently i found a letter to a boy, that he doesn't even know, saying he will try to sneak away to meet him. a cousin of mine called him up when my son was visiting in florida, and my son talked to him, he has never met him. i am terrified and heart broken. in the lettetrs it sounds as if my son is obsessed with the boy, arguing that he has someone else, and he feels betrayed because he's in love. i don't know how to talk to my son anymore. i feel so hurt.

By Beth on Saturday, August 30, 2003 - 10:54 pm:

I would just first like to give you a hug. I can't imagine going through this. I think it is great that you already have a therapy appointment. I hope that you will definately seek some also. I mean this would be hard for any parent to take. You are going to need someone to direct you and help you to understand. As well as accept whatever your son's decision is. As far as the letter goes. If you were looking at as your son writing it to a girl would you feel the same way? I of course did not read the letter but your son may be just expressing normal teenage feelings for someone he likes. I can also remember being rejected and still making the fool of myself by pooring out my feelings to the person. Maybe that is all your son was doing. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he is obsessed. I was not sure what you were talking about with the cousin? Was this someone you asked to speak with your son to try and give him some support. If that is the case I think it would be great for your son to have someone he is comfortable with to speak to all of this about. I know we usually hope it will be us but I can remeber feeling totally stupid talking to my mom about how I felt about boys. If not the therapist it would be great he could find someone to confide in. No matter what happens you can't take this personally. It may or may not be just how your son is going to be. Good Luck!

By Bobbie on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:18 am:

I just want to give you a nother hug. There are other mom's on this board with gay children. I think that once they see this post they might be able to give you some advice. You might want to do a search on the web for support groups for parents with gay children. I am not sure what is out in your area. But I know when you can talk to someone about it that has been in your shoes it will shed light on a bit of what you are feeling and ways to cope. Don't worry about what other people think work on fixing how you are feeling about this. And I think you are on the right foot. Try doing some research on support groups even if they are online support. And educate yourself. We all as parents have things that our children do that we have to learn to accept.

And I want to welcome you to the group. We love having new members. This is a wonderful site. And if you click on our names you can read a bit about most of us in our profiles. Hope to see you post often. We are always here to listen..

By Boxzgrl on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:28 am:

I guess I can relate to this in a way because my brother "came out of the closet" about 4 years ago. We had always been very close and I was hurt that he didn't tell me sooner. But most of all I was worried about STD's, HIV and AIDS. He recently started dating a girl (thank God) and is trying to give up his previous lifestyle. From what i've observed it seems as if he became that way because of all the attention he received, both positive and negative. I guess what I can say for your son is that 1) Be there for him. No matter what his choices are even if they hurt your feelings this is a time in his life when he needs you the most. 2) Just remember that he is only 13 and is still trying to figure out who he is. He is at the hardest point in a persons life, the teen years and the biggest problem teens face is finding out who they are and being themselves. And last 3) Let him talk to you. As much as you may not want to hear things, he may have no one else to talk to. At that age, kids is his situation get made fun of so he may have no one else to turn to. (Which may also be why he told you in the first place.) But most of all, Good Luck and stay strong!! We are all here for you so don't forget that!

By Boxzgrl on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:31 am:

I just also wanted to add that if that does indeed become his way of life, its okay. There are plenty of gay people these days that lead wonderful lives!!!

By Hol on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 01:05 am:

Mandy, a big (((HUG))) to you. Your son is young, and is just coming to grips with his sexuality. He may be conflicted because of his attraction to this other boy. Sometimes, teens don't understand boundaries, and become obsessed with another, but it's not nessecarily sexual. The main thing is, stay open to him, and even if you are frightened, don't show him. Sometimes, with teens, if we act "shockproof", they are more likely to not take the issue so seriously. In any event, try to stay non-judgmental, and let him confide in you. And, most of all, LOVE him, no matter what.

By Amy~moderator on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 02:34 am:

Just a thought...it may be that your son likes this boy so much (his "coolness", style, popularity, etc) that he actually thinks he is physically attracted to him, when he is actually just attracted to the type of person he is, and may want to be like him. This can become borderline obsessive and can be unhealthy, but it may mean that he is not necessarily gay.

Of course, I could be totally wrong, but I wanted to add this perspective.

By Susan10 on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 03:40 am:

I know it must be a hard thing to accept and adjust to. I don't know how I would handle it internally, it's hard to imagine, but I know that externally I'm very accepting and I would try to be with my son. We live in a town with a LOT of gay people. I think 2/3 of the single guys in town are gay. Anyway, I'm amazed at how some people's families and friends have been so accepting, for instance a mother coming visit and staying with her son and his partner. But your son is very young still. The thing I would try to do is think in terms of what's right for a 13 year old who's sraight OR gay. For instance, I wouldn't want my 13 year old to date yet, or to be with a much older partner, etc. I would say that the same rules apply to either orientation: be safe, concentrate on school, no going out on week nights, no talking to strangers, and just basic stuff like that. I hope all turns out well for you.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 11:41 am:

Mandie, my oldest son is gay. My email address is in my profile. Feel free to get in touch with me.

I would support what Susan says. A 13 year old is a 13 year old, and though entirely too many 13 year olds (and younger) are experimenting with sex, they shouldn't be.

The depression is very important. My son was in his early 20's when he came out, to himself and ot us, and came very close to a breakdown a couple of times what with college stress on top of that stress. This is a very stressful situation, thinking that you may be so different from your peers and that the difference is one that so many people think sinful and unnatural. Whether he is gay or not, those kinds of thoughts are bound to cause depression, and I would take the depression very, very seriously. Depression on top of teen years is a very bad mix and potentially dangerous. I would say I don't want to frighten you, except that I do in a way. I want you to take his depression very seriously, make sure the therapist takes it very seriously, and think seriously about you or the therapist contacting the counselor at school to alert them to keep a better than usual eye on him.

Here is the link to PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - that will help you locate a local group and resources:

http://www.pflag.org/chapters/find.html

PFLAG is a very good organization, very reliable, trustworthy, and with lots of experience helping and counseling parents and helping them find good resources for their children.

I would add that as soon as possible you, or if you are not comfortable with it, the therapist needs to have a serious talk with your son about sex and safety. By that I mean the whole range - if you are going to have sex be aware that there are a whole lot of horrible diseases out there, so keep yourself safe. Don't get intimate with strangers. Don't seek intimacy on the internet - PLEASE!. Adults should not be spending time with teens and those adults who flirt with teens or talk with them about sex are predators, pedophiles - stay away from them.

I will tell you that unless my son told you, you would not know he is gay. He is a very "straight arrow" kind of guy, heavily interested in electronics and biking, and actually sometimes a bit boring if you are not talking with him about things he is interested in. He is kind, patient, painfully honest, and really a very ordinary kind of guy but a bit shy and not really comfortable with strangers or with crowds. We all think he is by far the nicest person in our family, and the one we can always call for help at any time day or night. I have many gay and lesbian friends because my church welcomes them, and these also are people who are very ordinary people in appearance and in their lives, with the same kinds of worries, activities, interests that everyone has, with one difference - and it is a private difference.

I also want to point out that your son would be acting the same way, in terms of letters, phone calls, etc., whether he is straight or gay - the only difference being the gender of the person he has a crush on or is in love with. This is very typical teen behavior, and every parent struggles with this with their teens. So when you talk with him about this, don't talk to him or think of it in terms of a gay relationship or potentially gay relationship, but rather counsel him about how to handle relationships, period.

And, I would counsel him to be very careful about who he talks to about his thinking and feelings about his sexuality, and to keep it in the family and with a therapist or counselor at present. Teens are fairly unforgiving, rigid, and conformist people, and if he picks the wrong person to talk to he could set himself up for a whole lot of harassment and finger-pointing and trouble. So he needs to be prudent and private.

I cannot imagine what you are feeling. I do want you to know that you have my deep sympathy and support, and all the electronic hugs I can give you.

By Bobbie on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:34 pm:

I had a nother thought about this last night. Yes I take the things away from this board and mull them in my head. Anyway, They have support groups for Gay and Lesbian teens. I know there is one in our county. They get together as a group and support each other, basically just hang out. Maybe if he could have contact with people he can relate to he might be able to feel a little more accepted and not so depressed. And a structure support group would be a safe haven. It is hard on any one to feel alone... And with him only being 13 it is even harder I am sure. Ask his therapist, go to the site Ginny suggested, if all else fails contact the local mental health center and see if they have anything in your county or even in the next county. He needs to find a place with like minded people a place where you and he both know he is safe.. Kids need to have that bond with someone. And if he is isolated he is going to feel depressed. Which is probable why he is seeking liked minded people off the internet. He doesn't feel there is another avenue. And maybe... If you have nothing in your area. Then look for a support board simular to this one. A nice safe site. Which I am sure their are ones out there. He is reaching out, reach back.. Fight for your child even if your brain is screaming run. He is still the boy you have loved his whole life. And I am sure he is afraid. He needs you now more than ever..

By Clair~moderator on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:50 pm:

"He is reaching out, reach back.. Fight for your child even if your brain is screaming run. He is still the boy you have loved his whole life. And I am sure he is afraid. He needs you now more than ever.."



VERY well said Bobbie

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 02:08 pm:

Very well said, indeed, Bobbie.

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 09:33 pm:

Ditto X3 on that one!

By Mandie8 on Monday, September 1, 2003 - 12:29 am:

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think I finally found somewhere I can tell how I feel and not have to worry. There is so much more to this story. It would take me forever to put it all into words. I am really trying to except this, but I know in my heart I hate it. I think about how society will treat my child, how diseases could effect my child, all the hate in this world, and can't understand why he would embrace this the way he seems to be doing. Believe me, I do not judge anyone, for I am no saint, I have plenty of gay friends myself. But, I see how they are treated, what they go through, and it hurts to know it could be him some day. But, it is really the depression that scares me. I don't want to lose my only child. He is so withdrawn, he is very shy, and has so many problems, such as drawings I find, (in a violent nature), he doesn't eat well, sleeps alot, and just looks so sad. I try so hard to make him feel better, but I don't know what to do. I am excited about therapy though, and I will keep you all posted. Hugs back to all. Thanks alot for your advice.

By Bobbie on Monday, September 1, 2003 - 10:29 pm:

Mandie, Keep talking to him... He hears you...

More on this tomorrow. Good night for now...

By Mommmie on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 - 01:57 pm:

Just wanted to reiterate the need to addess the depression. He might need to take an anti-depressant medication. Keep watch for suicidal tendancies. Gay teens are at high risk for suicide.

Hugs and prayers to your son!

By Bobbie on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 - 10:00 pm:

You might need to get him in to see a psychiatrist. My Dh suffers from depression (his not so friendly condition has several diffrent names so we will go with plain depression for this thread). Therapy is important but you DS may need a little bit of chemical help. As in Medication to help him get through this. He is your son do what ever it takes to get him healthy. And if the dr's aren't listening find ones that will. Your DS is asking for help so there is hope.

By Bobbie on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 - 10:06 pm:

Oh and for the lay person. Therapist can not perscribe medication. You have to see a psychiatrist to get them. And Rob lovingly calls his psychiatrist his drug dealer. You see a psychiatrist to regulate medication ("You feeling okay?" You say, "Sure" He says"okay we will leave the meds as is." writes up a prescription. in and out in like five minutes flat) Where as a Therapist apointment is generally an hour long session where you talk through your issues. It can take many therapist before you find on you are comfortable with. But chemical reactions in the brain can cause depression and if the chemicals aren't corrected Therapy does not goo. Just a little insite from someone that has dealing with this stuff for 16 years...

By Mandie8 on Wednesday, September 3, 2003 - 01:30 pm:

Thanks again everyone. I just thought I'd tell you that I had a breakdown the other day. See, I have been told depression also runs in the family, and I too, have been told I have it, yet, normally I control it, I no longer let it control me. But, I crumbled the other day, and told my son just how bad his sneaking around lying to me about such important things, hurt me, and only makes it worse for him. He cried too, promised not to purposely hurt me anymore. I know thats too much to ask, because he is a teenager, but, maybe we took a step. I think we will have to take many little steps, to finally get somewhere peaceful, Thanks to everyone helping along the way. You seem like truely wonderful people.

By Bobbie on Thursday, September 4, 2003 - 09:23 am:

Mandie that is good. It is hard but it is good to let the pesrson see how deeply they are affecting you. It helps them to own what they are doing. I think you are so on the right path with him...