Help with an appropriate consequence
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Randy missed his bus this morning because he was being a little snot (sorry, but he was). So I had to take 20 minutes to drive him to school so he could have 5 extra minutes to get ready (from the time the bus was here until we actually left). I told him he owed me 20 minutes tonight. What should I make him do? I don't know if there's anything that he could clean that would really take 20 minutes unless it's the bathroom or vacuuming. I guess he could do either of those (with supervision in the bathroom). I'm tired of every day there being some reason he *can't* go to school. He missed another day this week with stomach ache/diahreah and then yesterday morning with heartburn (took him to the doctor and she thinks he has acid reflux). Today he said his throat hurt. I told him he could have any illness (strep, etc) because he's already on antibiotics for a sinus infection so it was probably just post nasel drip. He still putzed around and missed the bus because he was whining and stomping his feet. So what do you think's appropriate? I'm thinking vacuuming. Anything else better? TIA
I would make him write 100 times, neatly,
"It's MY responsibility to go to school everyday and be ready for the bus."
Then hang it in his room and talk to him about it at bedtime.
Having him clean something will not make him focus on what happened this am. Keep the focus on the issue.
Good luck 
I disagree . The issue is he took time away from you. Now, he has to make up that time by doing something you would have done had you not had to drive him to school. He's not so young that he cannot understand the connection. I'd make him clean the bathroom and vacuum, while you relax. Then you sit down and have that talk about responsibilities.
Another thing you might want to do is have him help with his laundry and lay out his clothes for the week. See if the two of you can come up with other time-saving things that can help him get ready quicker in the morning.
Hugs.
Ame
I would have him vaccum ( 20 minutes that you could have spent doing it but didnt' do his job.)
And to help him remember his responsibility and to remember his job, I agree with Annie, I would have him write but maybe only 50 since he had to do the vaccuming as well.
Well, you're certainly going to get some different opinions with this question, Cat. I disagree with Dandjmom about vacuuming and writing the sentences. I think either consequence is appropriate since he is having trouble with the idea that school is a daily necessity and showed a lack of respect for your time but I don't think he should be punished twice for the same issue.
Ditto Ame.
Cat, he's having serious issues with school and being there. He has to learn that, regardless of what we have to do...we still HAVE to do it. At a job, he wouldn't have been paid for the time he was late and he could be fired.
I would also have conferences with all his teachers with Randy there listening. Discuss anything they are seeing at school...bullying is big at that age too. He also might need a tutor to feel more confident. It's worth the money for a private tutor and time after school with his regular teachers. I am getting a *huge* feeling that there's something going on at school and he's not fessing up. He might need 20 minutes in silence at a table to come up with what the real verdict is. Personally, I would make him spend *more* time at school the more he pulls away. He's avoiding the "unknown" and might feel like his teachers don't like him, that the kids don't like him, etc. And, really, it's his confidence that needs to be built...it takes work on his part though, even if it means more time at school. I really think he would benefit from one on one time with his teachers. What are their tutoring hours? (Most teachers are required and *want* to stay after to help the kids.) Do not do peer tutoring though...sounds like he just wants to be a part of school and he's just observing.
I'm rambling, sorry, but I'm a teacher.
I tend to agree with Heidi on this one. I also have a feeling there is something going on with school. What does he say about school and being there? What do his teachers have to say? It seems like he has missed alot of days and has some stomach issues. To me, it sounds like it is nerves about something.
He ended up unloading the dishwasher and putting the dishes away. I don't think it took him 20 minutes, but he certainly didn't want to do it.
I know he dislikes his math teacher, but other than that he's happy with school. He's extremely social and has a lot of friends. He likes several of his classes and his teachers. He's not being bullied that I know of, and I think he'd tell me if he were. He seems to be pretty popular, so I wouldn't think he would be (bullied, that is). He just really doesn't care much for the academics of school. I'll have to sit down with him and see if there's anything in particular bothering him. Maybe some of the work is harder this year and that's bothering him. We'll see. He and his football team are going to an AF game this coming Saturday (17th). He's really looking forward to that. Dh and I have told him if he misses any school this week unless he's extremely sick he won't be able to go. That's quite the incentive for him.
Heidi, I don't think any of the teachers have after school tutoring. I do think they have periods throughout the day that they help kids that need it, but I don't think it's during times Randy could ask. I've found this school isn't very user friendly.  Robin's math teacher when he was in 8th grade actually told the parents she was more than willing to help kids during her lunch period, but was NOT available after school or in the evenings because she taught a college course. All-righty-then! Seems her priorities were a little messed up to me. It's no wonder 2/3's of the kids in her class end up failing or close to it. Do the math, Honey! I specifically told them not to put Randy in her class and they didn't (amazing--they actually listened to me!). I don't know why he doesn't like his math teacher. We actually know her and she's really nice! Maybe she's not a nice teacher, though. Who knows.
I make my dd pay me when she misses the bus. Gas is expensive! But for her money is where it gets to her and she sees a very direct connection.
How are his grades? I would have a heart to heart with Randy about how he feels academically. It's one thing to feel good around friends in a social setting, but it's another to feel good in class itself. Does he share more easily with you or your DH about school/grades?
If his grades are low in any class (C or below), I would have a conference or at least call the teacher and ask about their tutoring hours. I'm appalled that a teacher wouldn't have at least ONE day of after school tutoring. Gosh, I wish I lived closer so I can help. I know Connor will need tutoring (ALL kids do at some point) and I know it won't be me! Kids just don't respond to their own parents, you know?
I'm glad you guys are witholding fun stuff and are putting the emphasis on attendance. It was always the #1 reason kids in my class failed...and it spirals out of control. I always told my kids to expect their grades to be lower if they missed more than 6 days. They just get too overwhelmed and don't do the make up work required to pass.
Did he make up his work? "Close the loop", so to speak, with his teachers about his make up work. He needs to know that, not only does he have to keep going to school, he has to make up ALL of his work as well, before he can go on his trip.
On a side note, I was a chronic "I'm sick and can't go to school" person in high school once I was lost in Algebra 2-Trig. I went from an A to a D throughout the year and I copied a lot of work from others. I wish my mom had said, "Nope, you're going to school and I'm getting you a tutor". I know you are doing everything possible as a mother and you are WAY more strict than my mom, but just let him know that you aren't mad that he wants to stay home but that you're hurt that he's not being forthcoming with the need for help.
And, as far as schools go, you can ALWAYS contact the counselors and see if they have a list of tutors or seek help that way. There are always resources out there and I really think he would benefit from one on one tutoring.
PS- I want you to remind him of all the hard work it's taken in karate too...he couldn't have come all that way without all that practice. As soon as his confidence in the classroom rises, he will be begging to go to school...he seems so well liked, it would be the icing on the cake!
I wish I could meet you guys in Denver once a week...hhhmmmm...I really like tutoring kids that age. You put 'em in a group and it gets too crazy...LOL
Heidi, I just emailed all of his teachers individually and then a group email to all of them. I asked about tutoring (in both emails for math). I also asked about a conference (supposed to be tomorrow and Wednesday, but I haven't heard anything--but I know last time that was because Randy didn't bring the paper home and I had to call and ask). We'll see what they come back with. I asked for their help and also if I could get extra books sent home to keep here (you should see his poor backpack!). That way I can check his homework hotline and he won't be able to say, "Well, I don't have my book." I'm sure there are local tutors but who'd be better than his teachers??? They know exactly what they want. I do wish we were closer and you could tutor him! That'd be so cool. We may be moving closer to Denver in the next few years. Not within the next year or so, though. The market really stinks right now and we don't want to lose too much on our house!
On a plus note, this morning I'd set his alarm to buzz (I HATE that thing!!!) and he actually got up on his own and is almost done getting ready and still has about 15 minutes to spare!!! Hopefully we're on to something here. He knows he's got to make his bus and that I'm done playing around. We had several talks this weekend. Hopefully at least some of it sunk in.
Big hugs Cat... I too wonder if the stomach issues has something to do with his nerves. What age groups ride the bus?? Here JR high often rides with High School kids and I know on Dillans bus the older kids tend to mess with the younger kids, drives Dill nuts but it happens.
Maybe he can write down what is bothering him about school, like a pro's and con's list. Maybe he just can't tell you verbally. I am also thinking there is a connection between the stomach issues and school.
I have gone through similar issues with all of my kids and it was usually kid connected. At that age bulling is very common and all of my children are "popular" or in the "in" crowd but there are always the kids that aren't that like to mess with the "other" kids. It only takes one bully, one kid that doesn't like your child, to create distress in your child. My kids acted out long before they told me what was going on with the other child. Stomach issues, not wanting to go to school or attend a specific class. Try to get him to tell you what is going on because there is something there. The classes, teachers, the work, another child... something.
As far as punishment, I agree that punishments should match the offense. Time lost, time paid back in this case. I might have made him clean up the car. He used the car when he didn't need to and he should "pay" the car back.
I also think that he should be getting his things ready before bed, with an explanation that getting to school on time is part of his job and that he needs to learn to be more efficient with his time. Back pack ready to walk out the door, clothes laid out, shoes with clothes, shower out of the way, etc.. Whatever seems to be tying him up in the mornings. No TV, just music, while he gets ready in the mornings. To bed earlier if he doesn't get up timely and get ready, until he gets the hint that he had better be ready. But basically, you loose your time, he looses his... I find that they learn better when they are put out too. Writing sentences didn't work with my kids, they don't get anything from it. It has to be a physical loss and sitting and writing to them didn't make the connection to the loss they created.
Might sit down with him and discuss the issue and the fact he will be getting punished for making you loose your time and that maybe he could help come up with the punishments he will face to pay you back for your lost time. Write up the agreement and make him sign it, frame it and put it on the wall in his room where he will see it. Make it clear that this is the rules and he will follow them or he will be the one that ends up loosing. Make him take control of the situation and his actions. Punishments must create an understanding. They can't just be an action they muddle through with resentment, otherwise they end up weighing the cost of their actions and many will get to the point that it is worth the punishment to get what they want. The agreement should state the offense. The ways he is going to prevent you from lost time, being prepared before bed for the next day, etc... Then it should list the punishments that he will loose if he breaks the rules. And you, Dh and he all sign it and stick to it. Frame it and put it up on the wall as a reminder, to him, of the consequences he agreed to..
Time for yet another talk and another big hug to you (((((CAT))))), this too shall pass.. By the time you have those boys raised up you will deserve a huge vacation and a gold medal.. LOL 
Randy's math teacher has already emailed me back and said she doesn't think he needs tutoring. She thinks it's just the missing work and all the school he's missed. She said "Struggling to get the work done". She said she'd get with him today. We'll see where that leads (I'm not holding my breath, though ).
Cat I am just going to add that I feel your frustration. These kids who are capable but just don't do things are tough!
And I am learning more and more that thanks to no child left behind that the school only seems to care about those "at risk" for failing the standardized testing, not at risk for failing the class. Can you tell it hasn't been a great week at the intermediate school for us??
Hey Cat, she should have at least offered to have him stay after school to finish the work if he's not getting it done at home. I would request that he stay during her tutoring times and just get the work done there. Sometimes doing that enough times will get him to realize it doesn't take that much effort/work and his surroundings might be more conducive to concentrate.
You might also try putting him in a "desolate" type area at home and close the door. Just him and his homework. Nothing electronic in the room or anything that could distract him. Tell him to do his project/homework assignment and you'll time how long it takes. Kids are totally shocked how little time it takes without any distractions or just...in general. Kids think that one page of work will take them hours and then they just simply won't do it.
What about the other teachers?
PS- Tell him it's an experiment and challenge him to guess how long it's going to take him. He'll say 1.5 hours and you'll time him and he'll do it (correctly...check the work too) and you'll show him that it took half that long!
One time I did that while doing the dishes and was shocked it only took me 10 minutes. I started doing the dishes more and more at home because the perceived time vs. the actual time were quite different.
Also, sometimes having a tutor helps because they become an additional advocate for the child. In addition, the teacher might teach one way and one way only...a tutor can add a different approach that he might understand better.
When I tutor, I get the book from the school and email the teachers weekly. I ask for weekly school reports, especially at that age, and ask to check grades online, etc.
And, if he's not doing his work, he's doing something else. Eliminate that "something else" until he's done with homework. No matter what it is, chores, etc. He needs to see that the priority in yours and his life is to get that work done.
Ok, I'll shut up now...ha ha ha...sorry. Can you tell I miss teaching? I would always give my left eye for my kids. I would have review sessions that were *packed* with kids. Sometimes I wouldn't have enough seats for all of them. Kids always knew I was in their corner and sometimes that's all they need to know.
We had our conference yesterday and the story was the same all around--he's very smart, but has trouble getting his work in, especially with all the school he's missed. They all said when he's at school he gets his work done for the most part. They all seemed to think it was his absences that have made him fall behind. They had a "Focus" period that kids can have as their first period class if the teacher's feel it's needed. It's a very supervised study hall from what I understand. Randy's homeroom teacher is going to talk to him with the councilor present to see if that's what they need for Randy. I know Randy won't want to do it because he'll lose computer class, but like I told the teachers, the core classes are more important than the electives. I brought home his progress reports with what's currently missing, along with a bunch of worksheets that he may have had in his folders, but weren't turned in. So he did about half of those last night and will finish them tonight, along with a bunch of bookwork that's missing. I think we can probably get him caught up by Monday (with working this weekend). Hopefully he won't miss much more school and can stay caught up. His math teacher said she actually looked up his test scores and was shocked. She said, "He's REALLY smart!" Yeah, I knew that. What he turns in he usually gets good grades on. There was a spelling test he got a 30% on, but when I saw that I asked his LA teacher if she knew he'd had an IEP for 4 1/2 years for speech and qualified because his spelling was so horrific. She said she didn't have a clue and couldn't tell he'd ever been in speech. I guess it worked! lol His spelling's still terrible, though! She said a lot of kids did poorly on that one. I hate having to stay on him so much, but obviously he needs it and until he doesn't anymore I guess that's what I'll have to do. *sigh*
I'm so glad he's going to get caught up...Cat, he's so lucky to have you as a parent. It's difficult to stay on top of things as they get older because we think, "Hey, by now, you should know!" But, really, they are still just kids. Even my high schoolers had a hard time just coming prepared for class with a pen and paper. They still need our help and I'm glad he's getting good habits and realizing that you guys are sticking to your guns. His priorities will follow yours and you are setting a *very* good example for him.
Keep me posted on how he's doing and, if you need any more help, let me know. Sometimes it helps to know what's going through the teacher's minds and what options are out there. I hope he gets caught up soon and I want you to take a picture of that kid's smile when he gets those grades back up!
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