I think i will go anon. on this. It may be a touchy subject with my friend, and she may see this.

My single friend got pregnant and had a baby a few years ago. The father is totally out of the picture, except for his child support checks. She is now marrying a different guy soon. Somehow, her son got the idea that this guy is his father. And my friend isn't telling him otherwise. I have no problem with him calling the guy daddy, after all he has been doing everything a daddy does. Lives with them, picks him up from daycare and camp, takes hiim to the Dr. etc. My concern is that he thinks he is his father. I am worried about when my friend is going to tell him the truth. At the age of 5, he won't understand the whole biological father explanation. But if they wait too long to explain it to him, i am afraid it will crush her ds.

The other thing is her soon to be dh is not going to adopt the ds. So She and her dh will have the same last name, but ds's will still be what it is now. She says she wants to wait till he is old enough for him to make the decision of whether or not he wants to be adopted by this guy. doesn't she think it will confuse him that his "parents" have a different last name than he does? Am i wrong to be worried about this? Any input will be helpful ladies. TIA

BTW the biological father hasn't seen the kid since he was a couple weeks old...he will be 5 soon. That's a whole other story though.

By Kaye on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 09:53 am:

I think this is one of the gray areas. At some point he will ask and she should tell. But I don't think I would sit down and tell a five year old whose world seems pretty perfect to him. As for the last name, lots of kids have that issue, it really just isnt' a big deal. The adoption process of a child with a living father is a big deal. If he were to try to adopt the bio dad would have to give up his parental rights and she would lose her child support. So it could be pretty costly to her to do this!

By Ginnyk on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 11:49 am:

I think your concern is admirable, and certainly all the experts agree with your premise that the boy should be told the truth - in simple terms now, to suit his age, and in more detail when he is older.

And, certainly, at some point the boy will ask questions about the different name, or some person with good intentions (and we know where good intentions leave) will take it upon themselves to go around the mother and tell the boy directly. The mom should think about this as an almost certainty.

But, other than expressing your concerns to your friend, and suggesting factors she may not have taken into account, there is nothing else you could or should do. Certainly you should not tell the boy yourself - at least, not if you want to keep your friendship with his mom.

By Ginnyk on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 11:56 am:

The question of adoption is another issue - certainly child support would stop if the bio father were persuaded to give up his "parental rights" (that happened with my brother, when his first wife wanted her 2nd husband to adopt my brother's children). On the other hand, one never knows what will happen tomorrow, and if something happened to your friend, the bio father is the first person to have the right to have custody of the boy as things stand now, and her 2nd husband, who is from what you say being an ideal daddy, would have no legal rights. That is something to think about.

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 12:58 pm:

We have this exact scenerio with my brother and his wife. She met my brother when she was pregnant and in the middle of a divorce. My brother has been with her since Trevor, my nephew, was born. For all intents and purposes, he is his father. He treats him no different nor do any of the family.

I agree though that I wonder what Trevor will think when some day he finds out the we aren't "biologically" his family. He's almost 4 now and once school starts I doubt it will be long til questions start coming since his last name is different from mommy and daddy's.

We rarely discuss it though. It's always been thought of as my brother's and his wife's choice and they will tell him when the time is right. I've often wondered though if it will make a difference to Trevor.

On the other hand, my brother has 3 children out of wedlock that I wonder if they know about us? Will one of us one day answer the door to find an adult standing before us who claims that they are our nephew?

By Anonymous on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 08:24 pm:

Thanks for your input. I actually had no intention of telling my friend what to do. And NOWAY would i tell her son the situation. I just wanted some input on what other people thought of the situation and if i was wrong to be concerned about it.

By Ginnyk on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 08:31 pm:

I think you are right to be concerned. But I don't know what else you can do besides be concerned and caring.

By Bobbie on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 08:50 pm:

I have a friend that had a son the year after she graduated with a guy that was a Junior in high school. He still being in school had no interest in being a father. He paid his support ($25 dollars a month) and went on with his life. She met a man when her DS was a little over a year. He steped in as Daddy. Well fast forward 13 years. You have a fourteen year old child who is dealing with the divorce of his parents only to find out that his father is not his father and the last 13 years have been a lie. He was very upset. To the point of needing emotional help. He has since gotten back in contact with his bio father (who has grown up by the way) but he will always carry the scars of the lies he was told. Example of the lie.. They told him his last name was diffrent because he was born before they were married. He carried his mothers madden name. I had been suggesting to her for years that something was going to happen and he should have always known the truth but she was only thinking about her comfort level in all this not his. But not only did this hurt him he has a sister that he thought was his full sister and a his step father had a son he grew up thinking was his half brother. He has two sisters by his birth father he never knew. His grandma on his father side passed away and her dying wish was that he would find his son that she had only gotten to see once and make peace with him. So this effected everyone around them.

My sister is remarried. With two boys from a previous marraige. She and her ex divorced while she was pregnant with the youngest. She remarried when he was 2. She has always been straight forward with the kids. (because she saw what friends DS went through) They call her husband daddy and their father is daddy Mike. They do not see him he choose to move two states away after the divorce and has no contact. My sister and brother in law went in and requested a name change for the boys and it was granted. They carry their parents name. Ex BIL did not contest. The boys are 9 and 5. My BIL wants them to know about their father. He wants them to understand. That way when they are grown they will always have known. (kind of like adopted children that grow up always knowing that they are special)..

I really think she is opening herself and her child up for a lot of hurt later. Lies become more lies. And yes she is just not telling him but it is the same as lying to him.. I don't think you are wrong at all for being concerned. I know I was when my friend was going through this. What if something happens to her? He will be ripped away from this man he thinks of as daddy and given to a man he doesn't even know is alive. I just don't like it when people do this type of stuff... Very self serving.

By Kathy on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 09:30 pm:

I got divorced from my ex when my children were ages 2 years old and 6 months old. That was the last time my children saw my ex. I re-married a few years later. My children call my dh "Daddy", but they know that he is not their biological father. They are now 9 and almost 8 years old. My dh adopted my children last December and they couldn't be happier. I do think a child should be told the truth, but that is up to the parents.

By Colette on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 09:55 pm:

I am w/Ginny. Express your concerns and let it go. It's between your friend, her soon to be dh, and her son.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 10:28 pm:

Wow, life can be so complicated sometimes! Good luck with your friend.

By Marcia on Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 11:50 pm:

Five is certainly not too young to understand the truth, if told at an age appropriate level. My kids have know about their birth stories forever. Even though they might now fully get it at that age, at least it's been introduced. No surprises. I hope they make the right decision.

By Jtw on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 01:29 am:

I think that it takes a lot more than donating your sperm to be a father. If her new DH wants to be this child's father then by all means he should. Not many men would be so willing to raise another man's child. That said, I would not lie to the child if he asks questions, like the people mentioned in Bobbie's post. I would try to think of something to tell the child where he wouldn't feel like his bio dad abandoned him (in case he were ever to want to contact him), but that stresses the importance of how her DH is his daddy because he does all the daddy things.
As for the different last name, Lots of parents have different last names these days, so he wouldn't be an outsider or anything like that. My DH was born to a single mom. His dad was invloved in his life, but they each have been married to different people. My MIL is on her 3rd marriage. When she got married I said to my DH, "Hey, do you realize that now you have a different last name than both of your parents?" He said, "Huh. Well it's not the first time." He was raised in a single parent home most of the time (except for the times she was married) and had several different stepsdads and stepmoms. You would think he would be pretty screwed up, but he says that he thinks he turned out okay because he always knew he was loved. I hope that helps! Try not to be worried. At least he will be in a loving home with good influences. I think he will do just fine.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 07:38 am:

My mom remarried when I was in 5th grade. My father had never been a real part of my life, and I call my step father "Dad". I was given the option of being adopted, but chose not to, because I didn't care if my last name was different than his, he was still my Dad. The only thing I think you should be concerned about is her reluctance to tell the child he is not biologically her fiance's. The kid is going to learn his name in school and wonder why it's different. I think every child has the right to know who their biological parent is in situations like this. As early as possible. It won't change the way the child feels about his "Dad", but he has a right to know. I think Bobbie hit the nail on the head as usual. Not telling him is asking for resentment later.

By Bobbie on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 10:11 am:

And it will come.... Jen is dealing with a lot of issues with her son. He is not handling all this very well. Although his bio father is very supportive of her and he has stepped in to support her. N (her son) is just not adjusting very well. He has resentment towards his step dad (the man he grew up thinking of as dad) because he sees every little thing diffrently now. He has resentments toward Jen because she lied to him and didn't consider him while doing it. And he has resentments towards Bio dad for not being in his life and letting them lie about who he was. If Jen had taken the time as he grew and introduced a little bit of information as he grew he would have have been on steady ground but instead she ripped his world out from under him. No good will come of this.. Honesty is so key in life. You are who you are because of what you know to be true. If you find out that all your truths are actually lies what do you have?????

By Anonymous on Friday, August 29, 2003 - 02:51 pm:

Well said, Bobbie! Thank you all for your support. Now i at least know that i am not nuts for being concerned about this.

By Mommyathome on Friday, August 29, 2003 - 03:59 pm:

I agree Anon, you're not nuts It is kind of you to be so concerned.

I think that at age 4-5 the subject could be brought up. As long as the conversation is age appropriate. It would be easier to start the conversation now and finish it as the boy gets older rather than spring it on him suddenly when he is older. JMO