I have a son entering 3rd grade and we have 4 families/neighbors around us with boys in the same age range, plus my son has his "best" friend who lives a few streets over.

I need a reality check about what is going on. Is this typical?

These other parents are okay with their kids coming over here for 6-8-10 hours at a time, weekend after weekend, plus every evening. None of them allow kids in their houses. They can't "handle" it.

The other evening my son invited his best friend over to play after dinner. 9:15pm I call their house to ask if I should take him home or if they were coming to get him. No answer. We drove over there. They weren't home. They have a 2 and 5 year old and both cars were gone. We got back home and finally at 10:30pm the dad comes and gets him (while I'm in the tub and didn't get a chance to speak to him)! My son is in summer school (he's LD) and it was a school night for us. My son said the Dad was under the impression his kid was spending the night. No one ever said anything about him spending the night. He had no spend the night stuff with him.

Last week, 2 neighbor boys were over. At one point one of the dads comes over to speak privately with his son. Then the dad leaves. A few minutes later I tell the kids they have to leave bec my son and I were going out to dinner. The other boy says to the 1st boy, Let's go to your house. The 1st boy says, We can't. No one is home at my house. The 2nd boy says, Well, kids aren't allowed at my house. The dad never told me there wasn't going to be anyone at home for awhile! I just had them leave and let them figure out what they were going to do. We come home from eating out and the 1st boy's dad can't find him. I shrug my shoulders and say he was with the other kid when we left. I mean, is this really my problem?

So, my question is, and the above are just examples of many such incidents, I am obviously being taken advantage of, although my son LOVES to have all these kids over all the time. I am the only single mom and the only one who works full time out of the home, and my son is the only "only" child. Anyone else have this issue? Kids at their house all the time. Kids not allowed in some people's houses? Allowing your child to play 8 hours at a house and not once checking on them?

Laura

By Mylittleanimals on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 02:59 pm:

I have the same problem sometimes and sometimes I feel like one of the other parents you speak of. My son is 9 and he had (they are fighting now) a friend down the street who would come up in the morning and wouldnt leave till at night. He would go swimming in my pool, even if my son didnt want to and was doing something else, this kid would just go right in without even asking. When it would be supper time, here was this kid. I asked my son why they dont ever play at his house and he said because the mom wont let other kids in the house. In one way I can see her point, big time, but on the other hand if your child is good enough to be in my house for hours on end, eat my supper and help himself to my pool whenever he likes, then my son should be good enough to come in even if for an hour.

Then we have my daughter who is now 6. She has this one friend now for about 2 years. My daughter goes to their house to play alot, mainly it is the other mother coming up for mine or her daughter is calling for mine to come over. Now, I know they were pretty young when this all started, but I know the mother, not personally, but I know who she is and what she is like so I didnt mind it. The thing that I would mind is that alot of the time they would go somewhere and woulnt bring back my daughter till way past her bedtime. I felt alot of the time like a goof letting my daughter go over so much and spend so uch time at their house, but they were the ones calling and asking, not me or my daughter. Their daught has come over here a few times and even slept over a few times, but she doesnt like being away from her mom much so that is why my daughter would have to go there (and she sure dont mind).

You do sound like you are being taken advantage of and short of coming right out and telling these parents how you feel, I think it will never end. I am a pushover though too and most likely wouldnt go to the parents myself. BUT with our pool now, we have set up hours because it was getting to be too over ran with kids that we couldnt even go in it ourselves. I told the kids that they can be in the pool from 10-6 then thats it and the pool will only be for our family unless I permitt someone else in and I would give them 1 night a week for a night swim. That worked out well.

Good luck with your situation, but I really think you are going to need to politly either tell the kids that they cant be there ALL day and night or tell the parents.

By Semperspencer on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 02:59 pm:

I haven't had this problem, but I'm sure this is not normal. I would contact every child's parent immediately and let them know your concerns. You have every right.

By Mommmie on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 03:17 pm:

That's so funny you mention the pool. I've thought to myself, "Thank God I don't have a pool bec it would be even worse!!"

The only one I formally invite over is the best friend who is a few streets away. The others are the impromptu neighborhood thing. Weekend morning are always just kids showing up.

I talked to one of the moms the other night. Her son is DESTRUCTIVE and I had had enough of him breaking things just to be breaking things. The final straw was when he peeled off a big chunk of my son's wallpaper. He's totally banned. The mom got mad. She thinks it's normal Boy.

So I'm going to see if things improve bec of this one boy being banned. Fingers crossed. But I also want my son to have kids to play with too!!

Ugh!

By Mylittleanimals on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 03:50 pm:

It sounds like such a simple problem to resolve, but in reality its not and its so aggreviating. You dont want to come off as rude, but you dont want to be walked all over too! I know that if I make a rule that no one likes (parents included) they get mad at me but take it out on my son then he has no one to play with. I am at the point though that I can care less, its my house so my rules and if the kids are his real friends than they will abide by these rules as they have to abide by their own at their house.

We also have one boy that comes over and I could care less if he is here 24 hours a day because he is very respectful, does NOT expect to be fed and his parents are very nice people as well...those types I dont mind a bit.

By Claire on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 04:29 pm:

As sad as it is this is more normal than not.

I do think if nothing else you owe it to the children at your home (even if thier parents are not doing this)to make sure they get home safely -how would you have felt if something had happened to those two boys? They are after all only entering third grade!

I would call the parents up explain how you feel.

By Bellajoe on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 04:36 pm:

What a pain for you! I just think it is very rude and selfish for the parents to leave thier kids with you while they go out, without even asking you if you could watch them. do they think your running a day care or something? That just frustrates me. I wish i had an easy solution for you.

I think you defineitly did the right thing in banning the kid from your house. eating your food is one thing, but breaking things is way wrong!

By Mommmie on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 04:59 pm:

No, no, no I feel no guilt about leaving the house knowing one of the kids had no one at home (and these two are entering 4th grade, not that one year matters). The dad had every opportunity to tell me. He made the effort to walk over to tell the kid. My guess is the dad called the other kid's dad and said he was leaving and if I booted them could he please watch him. That's happened before and those two sets of parents are very close friends. He didn't tell me that, but it's a good guess.

Do you notice I am only talking about these kids' DADS?? Interesting, huh?

By Claire on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 05:23 pm:

I am sorry I do think that even though these children are uninvited guests in your home, since you did let them stay, you DO owe it to the children as a caring adult to make they have a safe place to go once they leave your home.

I am not trying to be harsh as I do understand where you are coming from as I have had this issue myself.

My advice is to just bite the bullet and call the parents and talk this out.

By Mommmie on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 07:46 pm:

Oh, I don't think you are being harsh at all! It's a good discussion to have!

I have talked to the parents over the years. I ask, "Why do I always get the kids?" They say their kids like to come over here bec my house is "fun," that their spouse - whichever one is not there - can't handle kids in their house. Then the kids don't show up for several days and then their back like no conversation ever occurred.

By Merno on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 08:33 pm:

Man, I feel for you. I can't believe how rude your neighbors are to presume you will watch their kids all say and feed them. What is also a shame is that they are teaching the kids that this is okay! and teaching the kids that their friends aren't welcome in their house. I haven't had this experience yet because my son is still a toddler...I don't look forward to having to handle these types of problems.

By Karen55 on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 09:27 pm:

I think you need to decide what your rules regarding your son's guests are, and what your boundaries are. Make your son aware of the rules, as well as his friends AND their parents. You need to establish that up front, particularly with other kids' parents. Different people have different rules.

I think it's sad that the other kids' parents don't want to be bothered with their kids' friends in their home. Seems abnormal to me, because that's all part of raising kids.

It's your right, and really your responsibility to set your rules regarding what are appropriate and reasonable hours for kids to be guests in your home. That being said however, if a child is left at your home, you are responsible for that child until his parents come to get him or you bring him home.

I think we've all been put in that position at least once. I know I sure have! Jen had a friend when she was young whose mom always disappeared when it was time for her daughter to go home. No way I would have left the little girl outside alone, and yes, it did interfere with our plans/schedule, but it wasn't the child's fault, so on more than one occasion I kept her with us until we finally located her mom. I did stop letting her come over at all though, because it was turning into more responsibility than I was willing to take on.

By Bobbie on Saturday, July 12, 2003 - 11:30 pm:

I have this all day every day. I look at it this way. My kids are happy to have them here and right now they are the ones that count. I don't mind having the kids around. And I have ground rules that are to be followed and everyone is aware of them. And my children come in at 7 and everyone is to leave which everyone knows too. So my thinking is. You and DS need to lay down some rules and those rules need to be shared with his friends. Like No sleep overs during the week. And your DS needs to be in for the night by whatever time and they all need to know you will be sending them home. And suggest they inform their parents. My kids are in by 7 every night. The neighborhood kids know this too. And they also know that on week nights we do not do sleep overs unless... It is an emergency or planned way in advance. People have to work and just becuase the kids are on vacation the parents aren't. Another rule is.. We only do sleep overs on Friday nights. Sunday is church and I do not let my children sleep away on Saturdays. I think you need to start setting up ground rules.

By Mommmie on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 05:10 pm:

I do have some rules. I totally eliminated sleep overs about 8 months ago regardless of the day of the week. These parents know this.

I want kids out at 9:00pm in the summer, 8:00pm during the school year. For the one kid who is a few streets over and comes and goes by car, I say, "pick him at 9" Last night, the dad showed at 9:30.

I don't have to have a time for my son to be home. He's already home!

I guess I'm just sort of ...disappointed that these parents don't self-regulate themselves and their children, without having to be told that playing over at someone's house past 9 is TOO LATE.

Love the input from everyone!!

By Bobbie on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 09:27 pm:

One thing I have learned is that there are parents that do not want to be botherd with their own children. They let them stay at your house because they don't have to worry about taking care of them themselves. There is an older couple (grandparent type) that live a few houses down. They have kids at there house all day long. The parents never call and check on them or stop by to make sure everyone is okay. K (the woman) came down a few days ago and was upset because one of the mothers had dropped her child off on her way to town to do some shopping. Didn't ask K, didn't tell DS when she would be home, nothing. The parents in this neighborhood are taking advantage of this couples tender hearts and love for kids. I wish there was some way to make the people stop taking advantage but other than stopping it all together (not allowing the kids around) there is really nothing you can do. The people aren't seeing what is going on as wrong. They figure little Billy wants to play so we can send him off to the neighbors and we don't have to entertain him. And unfortunatly there is no rationalizing with some people. You may create more problems by being confrontational with these neighbors of yours.

By Mommmie on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 10:08 pm:

Oh my Lord, someone has it worse than me!!!!

By Bobbie on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 10:37 pm:

She thinks so too. LOL She is at her ropes end. She says she is waiting for winter. Because most of the parents tend to keep there kids in more during the colder months. She is affraid to say anything to the parents because she is thinks the parents will keep the kids away all together or that they will get upset and abusive towards her. So she bites her tounge and they hang a red piece of paper on the door and the kids know that means they are busy and not up for company. That has been her only saving grace.

By Trina on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 06:51 am:

All I can say is... I'm very glad I don't have neighbors like this!!

By Mommmie on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 10:53 am:

Well, I tell ya, when these kids were infants/toddlers/preschoolers this was not a problem. These same parents who leave their kids over here for 10 hours are the same ones who wouldn't let their preschoolers go anywhere without a parent. Something happens when the kids hit 1st grade. Maybe it's the addition of new siblings? Maybe the parents get comfortable having their kiddos gone for so long bec now they are gone for school. I think it also starts around the time parents start leaving their kids at birthday parties, rather than staying with them. It just becomes easier and easier to leave them somewhere. They discover how nice the break is. They want their lives back.

By Tunnia on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 01:54 pm:

Just a suggestion, but maybe you should shorten the time kids are allowed at your house (say 1-6pm?) and limit it to one or two friends over at a time. When these boys show up on your doorstep, you can tell them that you are sorry, but your son already has a friend over and they should call first from now on. If it makes the parents mad that their children must use manners and common courtesy before coming over to your house, so what??? Let the parents know that they need to pick up their children by 6pm and if they don't pick them up on time take the child home yourself. You will probably end up taking kids home all the time, but at least you'll know that they are not at your house until whenever their parents decided to come get them. Good luck!

By Bellajoe on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 02:57 pm:

i agree with Tunnia. Tell your son how you feel (i have a feeling he may already know). Explain to him that he can only have 2 friends over at a time from 1-6pm or whatever. Or if you are planning to go somewhere that day, let the kids know that you have to leave for the store at 11: 00am or something like that. Or even call the parent and say Timmy is over our house, please come get hiim at 11am., i have to go shopping.

By Mommyathome on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 04:10 pm:

What a pain. I feel for you. My oldest will be starting kindergarten this year, so we haven't really gotten in to these issues yet. Though, we do have one little girl that we invite over now and then and her mom will leave her ALL day. I don't like having her over because of that.

I would suggest talking to the boys' parents as well. Let them know *your* rules. Easier said than done, I know.

My tentative plan, once my DK's are older and in school, is to have all friends out of the house before dinner time. (7:00pm) It will be family time after that. Especially on school nights.

Hope you get the problem resolved soon....for your own sake!
(((hugs)))

By Susan10 on Friday, July 18, 2003 - 01:36 pm:

Great topic, Mommie. I have this happen all the time, too. My sister calls these people 'dumpers'. I have no solution, just sympathy. In a way I bring it on myself, because I never say no, I just complain. Also, our house is fun and we have a lot to do. I tell myself that at least I know where my kids are and what's going on. I also get to inflict my rules on everyone (no fighting, no talking mean), and maybe I'm helping some of these kids.

I have this one neighbor with 3 kids, who asks me all the time to take her kids so she and her husband can go out. These people are stinking rich, and neither parent works! Their house is 4X as big as ours. My husband and I both work, and we never go out. But do I say no? Of course not.

You're right about dads being the worst, too.

I think the idea of setting a time to go home is good. At least this one dumper always calls for her kids at 6pm, because that's when they have dinner, so that's good.

By Alessandrosmum on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 08:59 am:

I don't have any answers bc my son is a newborn. I can only go from my personal experience with my parents. Sleep-overs with my best friend were RARE. My friends were allowed over, but when it was time to go, my parents had no problem saying so (in a courteous manner, of course). And I wasn't allowed to go over my friends' house unless the Mum was home (I guess they were aware of Dads not being so attentive LOL). Of course, while I was growing up, at times I resented this. But now as a grown up and with a son of my own, I am glad they were that way and totally understand where they were coming from.

What I'm trying to get at, is that they set forth certain rules regarding playtime and they stuck to them, *regardless of wether their kids/neighbours/friends/friends' kids agreed with them or not.* After a while, people get the idea and stop doing what it is you're asking them not to do. But you have to be consistent.

Good thing is, it sounds like you're the "fun" mum in your neighbourhood ;)