You know, I get tired of having to explain having only 1 child right now. We have been trying for a second child since Scott got back from Afghanistan, but I think the stress of all these moves is working against us. It will all pan out and I'm not worried, but it's getting old.
Although, today, an assistant teacher at Connor's school said, "You're not having just the one, are you?" It was just worded wrong...she could have asked "Are you planning on any more?" (I'm not too fond of her anyway as she seems a little too warm with the fathers who pick up their children than the moms or even the children. She's a single mom, so I do feel her pain, but there's just something odd about her.) She then goes on to say something along the lines of, "I wouldn't know what it's like trying for another, it's been so long." TMI

Another person that was moving us said, "Don't wait too long...my brother and I were never close and we were 5 years apart." So, of course, I had to explain the 15 months apart for the training/deployment and how we had 28 days notice for it all, etc.
Argh. Just venting I hate explaining my life to strangers or people who assume various things.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 03:22 pm:

A long time ago Miss Manners proposed what I think is the perfect response.

Someone asks (rude / personal /intrusive ) question. You say "I beg your pardon? If person repeats the question, you repeat "I BEG your pardon?" If the person dares to say it again, you say "I can't believe you would ask such a question." and turn away.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 04:35 pm:

Hello! Welcome to my world, and we're not having any more!! People who aren't family, IMO, who say things like that are rude and should be told so. Of course, since it's your child's teacher, probably not a smart move, but that's how I feel anyway. I think the teacher was inappropriate in asking you that, and the moving person - please, this is not your business. I barely know you! People just can't grasp the fact that a)this is none of their business, b)it doesn't affect their lives at all, and c)PEOPLE WITH ONE CHILD AREN'T WEIRD!!!!!!!!!! I need a banner that stretches across the entire front of my house that says this. IMO, you just don't ask people who aren't family about their reproductive plans. You never know if they are trying and upset that they can't pregnant, or if they don't want to and don't want to explain it yet again.

I find as I get older that I'm just tired of most people in general. It's not a good attitude, but I don't have good experiences. People are rude overall (I find), dig their noses in where they don't belong, judge, and voice opinions when they haven't been asked. Of course we all do these things SOMEtimes, but it seems like I find it more often than not.

Amen to Miss Manners!

By Amecmom on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 05:26 pm:

I think most people just don't think. Maybe they are trying to be cute? It is rude, regardless.
Just smile and say - we're taking things as they come.
Or, you can go Ginny's route and let them know they are being offensive.
I get the question a lot - and I already have two. I just say, "Shop's closed" and end it there.
So, don't think just by having another you'll never get asked that question again.
Ame

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 05:32 pm:

You know what, it doesn't matter how many kids you have or whatever your circumstances are, people will always ask stupid questions or say inappropriate things. DH and I were married for 8 yrs. before having kids. We were constantly kidded about not waiting too long, etc. etc.. Then when DS was 13 mos., we learned we were expecting #2. We heard, "So soon?!" My sister and her DH have decided not to have any kids at all. They hear comments all the time. On the same token, I'm sure big families get teased for having another baby. Either reply with a catchy come back that will stop them in their tracks or just state you're doing what is right for your family and let the comments slide. They're not worth getting upset over. Gosh, another mom in town recently asked ME if we were thinking of number 3. WHAT?! When I replied with a chuckle, "NO, I'm 44 and my baby factory is CLOSED!" She looked shocked and said she didn't realize how old I was. LOL!

By Tink on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 06:00 pm:

Just today after school, I was holding a friend's sleeping 3yo. I got three comments regarding having #4 in the 10 minutes I held her! Each time, I just said something along the lines of "We've made sure that 3 is all we'll have." It's one of the few times I've had to deal with a "When are you having more?" comment. When I had three under the age of 4, I got a lot of "Scientists have figured out what causes that. Do you need me to explain it to you?" remarks so rude people will make comments no matter what your family situation is. Personally, I think it's exceptionally rude to comment on whether a couple will have another child since it could so easily be a matter of infertility, health issues or marital problems. That is just *too* personal!

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 06:30 pm:

Absolutely, Tink. Entirely too personal. Which is why I like Miss Manners' recommendation. My darling granddaughter is the result of four in vitro fertilization efforts, at no small physical and emotional discomfort and distress for my wonderful dil (and expense). I would hope that if someone asks her when she will try again, that she just hauls off and socks that rude person in the nose.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 06:32 pm:

Oh, and Heidi, and all, if you don't want to use the Miss Manners' suggestion above, at one point she had another recommendation: "I'll forgive you for asking such a personal question if you'll forgive me for not answering it." or "I'll forgive you for raising such a personal subject if you'll forgive me for not responding."

Or - what I might say - "That's really none of your business."

You are really not obligated to respond when someone asks a personal question or raises a personal matter. And you are perfectly within your rights - even according to Miss Manners - to tell that person, as politely as you feel like managing, to MYOB. Even a simple "I don't care to discuss that subject with anyone except my husband - I can't imagine why you think I should discuss it with you." should end the intrusive comments or questions - if it doesn't, I consider that rude person fair game for whatever you choose to say.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 07:51 pm:

Wow, people are rude. I was just talking last night about the rude questions I got when pregnant with the kids. "Did you use fertility treatments?" and "Better you than me!!" were among my most irritating!

By Nicki on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 09:20 pm:

Yes, Crystal! The "Better you than me!" was said more than once to me, and I found that so offensive.

Heidi, I can't believe the nerve...both her comments were so inappropriate. Good grief.:-(

I must be really lucky as we have one child and I have avoided these type of comments. But, I think it's because I had dd in my forties and it's obvious I'm too old to have another! I heard plenty of comments before having our dd though as in, are you "ever"?:-|

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 10:40 pm:

We had 3 grown boys when we had dd and people STILL asked when we were going to have a sibling close to dd's age. Good grief! I was almost 40 when I had her. Four kids are a plenty. And she is the icing on the cake, my blessing for allowing the boys to grow to adulthood.

And you know, she may not be as close as some children who grow up with their siblings. But she adores her oldest and youngest bros. And they adore her. The oldest is out of the house but shows up for all of her performances, parties, events, etc. And if she calls and wants him to come see her, he's there. He's closer to her than he is to his brother that is 2 years younger than he is.

Family is what you make of it regardless of 0 to 16 kids.

By Rayelle on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 11:03 pm:

Tink, I also had 3 under 4. I heard it all. "They know what causes that now", "They invented the pill", "Get a new hobby", etc. I hate better you than me! My paternal grandmother never wanted children and she says that about pregnancy and anything related to child rearing, including taking them on vacation! I hate that I can't even look at a baby without someone I know telling me not to get any ideas! All families are different, and for some reason people have a problem with different in general. With kids it seems to be different of you don't have a boy and a girl 2 years apart in age.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 - 11:41 pm:

I occasionally got asked when I was going to try for that boy. Well, uh never. LOL! Two was enough for us, then, and it is enough now.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 12:52 pm:

Thanks for all your stories...it really lifted the "burden" and I'll have to think of a response that makes them just as uncomfortable.

Maybe I should return the question? When are YOU having another??? Arrrrrgh...

Thanks, you guys. I can't believe people would ask those questions with 2 or more kids! One of my friends got pregnant when her son was 6 months old and I did *think* "wow, I couldn't do that" but just chose not to say anything and expressed sincere excitement for her. She is a good mother and it didn't matter what *I* thought and, I'm sure she was nervous, but nothing positive could possibly come out of expressing my own opinion. I just wish others could show the same restraint.

By Cybermommyx4 on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 01:47 pm:

My favorite response to "Better you than me" is "Yes, better me than you!"

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 03:14 pm:

Heidi, my mom is one of those women who got pregnant 6 months after the baby was born! I was the first child and Cheryl came along just 15 months later! LOL! I can't imagine having a baby that soon after just having a previous one, but I can't imagine not having my sister.

When I did all the math, as I got older, I decided I didn't want mine that close together!

By Kaye on Thursday, October 25, 2007 - 08:34 am:

And truth be told with close children, short of having sex other methods fail. Things happen.

My 3 are close, and I heard a lot of comments. Depending on my mood I would comment back with some of the above.

But sometimes with the " you know what causes that?" I would say "really, maybe we should talk cause my mom never really tell me details", or sometimes I would offer to sell one to them

My favorite line came from someone here though, the most used phrase for me was "boy your hands are full", and the best response was, "not as full as my heart".

I think people don't always mean to be rude, they just forget to filter things between their brain and their math.

I my own opinions on what makes the perfect family, if you ask I will tell you. But I have friends who had different ideas and it works for them. So I am not stupid enough to think that my way in the only and right way!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, October 25, 2007 - 09:19 am:

I get comments all the time. I have just learned to ignore things. I will actually just turn and walk away, if possible. If not I change the subject, after I give them a look of "how rude".

Rob and I are taking classes to become foster parents. I have heard a handful of comments on that decision, too, already. I am so sure that we will get more than our fair share of comments "if" we get placements once we are through jumping the CPS hoops. Truly, it is no one else's business.

It amazes me that people are raised up thinking rude comments make for idol chat..

By Christylee on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 09:12 am:

I hear you loud and clear, it's actually one of the sure fire things to get my blood boiling here lately. My son is an only child and probably will always be, is that a crime? No it isn't... I am now a single mom so having another is virtually impossible and the fact that I have an illness that makes my son something for me that I never thought possible. It just irritates me to no end.

To me it's almost as personal as asking how much money is in your bank account, would you ever ask someone so personal? What makes it their business.

oh and the not waiting to long is a bunch of bull to, my sisters and are I each 7 years apart (I'm 31, one sis is 24, and the other is 18) and we are the best of friends now. I LOVED having a baby around at 13 when my youngest was born and I truly enjoy her now so again their opinion and none of their business.

Can you tell it REALLY hits a nerve? lol....

By Christylee on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 09:12 am:

Oh and Ginny, I absolutely LOVE that response and will be using it I'm sure! thanks!

By Cat on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 09:32 am:

I got all the "When are you trying for a girl" questions, too. Uh, probably never! I just would tell people either "Oh, I don't know" or "I think 2's enough for us!" lol I usually figure people are just trying to make small talk. Usually harmless. Unless of course, you've got the super nosey person that just has to know everything. lol

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 10:46 am:

Cat, I have three sons. My dad kept hinting I ought to try again to give him a granddaughter. I finally told him - OK, dad, we'll try again, but if it's another boy you have to raise him. The hints stopped.

By Annie2 on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - 01:46 pm:

I had my four kids in six years, so I was always getting comments. For the most part I think people just want to be friendly not rude. A big comment for me was I had three girls and then a boy so people would say something along the lines that I can stop now. I'm sure some days I responded with negativity but so what. Yes, I did as a matter of fact. I walked onto an airplane once with two of my kids and a woman started complaining behind me that she would have to listen to my kids scream and cry, to her seatmate. I told her to mind her own business, that she was a child once and don't give me a hardtime. The plane didn't even taxi out yet. That put her in her place. My kids were excellent on the flight and she actually apologized when we were leaving. I asked her is she would be apologizing if my kids would have been horrible on the flight and she said that she still would have apologized because traveling with small kids must be very tiresome.
Their gender never came into question when I was having the kids. I knew after having three that our family wasn't complete.
Each family is different and just let the comments slide of your back.
Now that I am by myself and three are teenagers it's more challenging raising them but I wouldn't trade in my last three for anything.
My different perception, Heidi.

By Luvn29 on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - 02:01 pm:

You know, I have what most consider "the perfect family" because I have one daughter and one son, three years apart. Like someone above mentioned, it doesn't matter how many you have or what gender you have or how far apart, there will always be comments.

I get comments all the time about how lucky I was to have a boy the second time for my husband. Or how lucky I am to have had the perfect family so I don't have to keep trying for the opposite sex. It doesn't really bother me, but I think to myself that we'd have the "perfect family" to us if both were one gender, or if they were farther apart. When we got pregnant the second time, it wasn't for the specific reason of trying to have a boy! We just wanted another baby! And if it would have been a girl, well, we'd be an "imperfect family" with two girls because I can't have any more children. And then I would have been faced with rude comments about when I was going to have a son for my husband, and that would have been very hurtful because I can't have anymore children.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - 02:18 pm:

My family is perfect, just the way it is, with 2 girls. So, we didn't get the boy. Big deal.

By Juli4 on Thursday, November 1, 2007 - 05:46 pm:

we had three girls and then a boy. People said the stupidest things like " I bet your husband is so glad to have a boy" or "well you finally got your boy". Almost like our girls are not as important. I just told them that this is not communist China.

By Reds9298 on Thursday, November 1, 2007 - 09:39 pm:

LOL Juli! I was discussing this topic with a friend just a few days ago. She has 2 boys and says taht regardless of how many kids you do/do not have, there will always be someone with a stupid question or comment. She said all she gets is that she "HAS to have 3 so she can get that girl" and "there's no way you shouldn't try for a third so you can get the girl".

By Yjja123 on Sunday, November 4, 2007 - 07:45 pm:

I have always watched my friends children (1 boy, 1 girl). Along with mine (also 1 boy, 1 girl) that ment I had 4 kids in tow. I will never forget going to the grocery store and having an older (Grandmother age) woman yell at me. She literally yelled "Don't you think that is enough?" I had no clue what she was talking about so I asked her. She said "Babies, you have too many babies". I informed her, not that is any of her business, only two were actually mine but if I had 10 it still was not her concern.
People can be rude. I have no difficulty pointing out their rudeness

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, November 4, 2007 - 09:35 pm:

Yvonne, what a rude little old lady! Sheesh!

One of my friends, had her 4th child, shortly after I moved to this city. The little grandma across the street had no trouble making her opinion known, about those 4 children, to my friend. She was kind of rude, too, like it was any of her business. That grandma has passed on, a number of years ago. I wonder what she would think now, to know that my friend now has 7 kids! LOL! She's probably spinning in her grave.

By Cocoabutter on Monday, November 5, 2007 - 12:00 am:

My only child is now 11 (well, as of 9:40 AM tomorrow) and no one asks anymore.

By Imamommyx4 on Monday, November 5, 2007 - 09:51 pm:

I got this in an e-mail today:
"When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,politely smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

By Mommmie on Saturday, November 10, 2007 - 09:30 pm:

I get this, "You need to have another child. When are you going to have another baby? Wouldn't it be great if you got pregnant" on and on and on...nag, nag, nag.

And I respond, "Son, I'm not having any more kids. You're it."