The fib my DD told in Church Sunday morning.
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2003:
The fib my DD told in Church Sunday morning.
OMG!!
I just received a phone call (glad to have got, but embrassed as hell).....It was my dks Sunday school teacher asking about how Abbie's surgery went today.....I was stunned, I couldn't say anything but "What surgery" Abbie went to church Sunday when they asked for prayer requests and said to remember her when she goes into surgery Monday @4:00 on Monday at CR hsptl. 
She told the ENTIRE congeration (sp??) that she was having a nasal surgery.......omggggggggggg.............can you imagine how embrassing this is??????
There was never such thing as a nasal surgery, she had a surgery on her ear 2 weeks ago, but everyone knew about that one.
Everyone dropped everything today, and ran to the hsptl to see Abbie, and she wasn't there.
I'm glad I received the phone call.....to find out about fib she told,
but sheesh Im so embrassed I don't want to show my face at that church.
I have to call this lady back and tell her whaT I found out from Abbie if she got stories mixed up or what..
I asked her what she told the church Sunday for prayer, she just clamed up and wouldnt' say a word, she knew she was busted. I finally got her to tell me, then I asked her why she said that, and then I told her about the phone call and everything, she didn't say anything but "I don't know" .....I told her what she did was wrong. I sent her to her room, you guys, I've never dealt with something as this. I don't know what to do, the punishment! I sent her to her room, and I told her not to come down, until I tell her too.
What am I sopposed to do?
Make her write an apology letter to everyone?
I feel like a heel here.
I thought about keeping her out of church for one Sunday, Hubby said not to do that one, it's not right. I called my preacher, to ask him what to do, but he's not home...........ughhhhhhhhhhh!
HELLLLPPPPP!!!! PPPLLLLEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEEE!
The worst punishment you could inflict on her would be for her to stand up and tell the whole congregation that she lied and why. How old is she? It would be really tough to make her come clean to the whole church. If it was my dd (who is 4) she would not be able to say a word without bawling. But I might make her try and then complete it on my own why she cried next to me.
Sounds like she is missing the attention she got from the last surgery. The things kids come up with when they are home for the summer and bored, you poor thing!
She's 6 yrs old...(old enough to know better!!)
THANK YOU!!
Yeah, I think I will do that! I will make her stand up, in front of everyone, and apologize.
Watch, she will clam up, and not say a word, she's really shy when it comes to microphones, and big crowds (stage fright) I guess you call it.
I don't attend thier church, but I guess I will this Sunday and sit with her....
The previous surgery she had, the church didn't find out til after the fact, plus we were an hour and a half's drive from home anyway, I sure didn't expect anyone to come see her.
GEEZ!! The things kids come up with sheesh! LOL
I don't think I would make her stand up in front of the church, but she does need to apologize. Maybe make her call her sunday school teacher. If you make her say or call someone, have her write out what she is going to say. Telling a lie like that is a big deal, people went out of their way to see her. I might would make her make cookies or brownies and take them house to house with notes, pretty much making her waste as much time as you can on this...LOL. Who does she go to church with? Where were they when she was making up her surgery?
Ditto what Kaye said. Yes, an apology is necessary but I wouldn't make her stand up in front of the church. JMHO, but I don't believe in public humiliation.
Here is a good article about lying...
http://www.parentcenter.com/refcap/4212.html
Why grade-schoolers lie
Somewhere, sometime, during your child's early school years, she'll open her sweet mouth and out will pop a whopper of a lie — you can count on it. Now that she's getting older, you can also expect more sophisticated and deceitful lies than the innocent truth-twisters she's told before. Her lies aren't necessarily due to naughtiness, though. At this age, there are many developmental and emotional reasons for lying, such as a need to feel important or a desire to spare someone's feelings. The good news: Your grade-schooler knows the difference between right and wrong, or she wouldn't bother to lie.
What to do about lying
First, you need to know what you're dealing with. Before you can teach your child why lying won't cut it, you have to figure out why she chose to stretch the truth. Here, the most common types of lies, why your grade-schooler might be telling them, and how to deal with them:
The tall tale. Despite her seeming maturity, your grade-schooler probably still fabricates elaborate stories from time to time. When she tells you that she did a triple somersault off the pommel horse in gymnastics class, it may be because she isn't yet able to fully discern the difference between reality and fantasy, or she could be trying to get your attention. If she tends to exaggerate, sometimes embellishing stories so much that they're almost completely untrue, she may lack confidence and feel the need to pump herself up. Maybe she feels pressure to be good at something or thinks she has to prove herself to be accepted by a particular clique.
Whatever's behind her tall tales, it's important not to ridicule your boasting child, or her self-esteem will sink even more. Show her that you appreciate her just as she is, and praise her legitimate accomplishments. As for the actual lie, deflect the conversation away from it if you can, or calmly tell your grade-schooler that you know what she said isn't true and that you love her even if she didn't do a triple somersault. If she lies to someone else in front of you, don't show her up in public. Instead, wait until you're alone with her, then gently explain that you know she's telling tales and that doing so can have unpleasant consequences.
To drive home this point, tell her the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." Or read the classic Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine, by Evaline Ness, in which Sam's refusal to distinguish between fantasy and reality almost causes her to lose her dearest friends. Two other great books about lying: Big Fat Enormous Lie, by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat, which shows how guilt builds up when we're untruthful, and Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! by Gordon Korman, a hilarious take on the disastrous consequences of schoolyard bragging.
Chances are, by the time your child reaches her ninth birthday — when the lines between reality and fantasy no longer blur for most kids — these tall tales will become a thing of the past.
The cover-up. When your grade-schooler insists that she wasn't the one to leave the backyard gate open, which led to your dog running away, she knows she did something wrong and is trying to cover her tracks. Her goal is to avoid unpleasantness or punishment. Kids learn this tactic at an early age and perfect it as they mature.
Lies told to escape discipline can put you in a difficult position. If you discipline your child when she admits doing something wrong, she may decide she's better off lying. But if you don't discipline her, the behavior won't change. It gets even more complicated if you punish your grade-schooler for lying in addition to punishing her for the original infraction. The trick is to find a balance between being permissive and being punitive. According to one study, parents who use moral principles to explain that lying is wrong reduce the frequency of their children's truth-stretching, while those who punish their kids for lying may actually encourage the practice.
When your youngster concocts a cover-up, try taking the following steps:
• Stay calm, and don't take it personally. Instead, use it as an opportunity to teach her about honesty.
• Find out why she's covering up. When you ask your grade-schooler to explain why she lied about leaving the gate open, she may admit that she was afraid of upsetting you or didn't want to be blamed for the dog's disappearance.
• Explain why it's wrong to lie. Point out to your child that while it was her responsibility to close the gate behind her, mistakes happen and are forgiven. Lying about her mistakes, on the other hand, is unacceptable.
• Focus on the motive, not the lie. Rather than getting all worked up about her lie, tell your youngster that you're disappointed because she didn't take responsibility for her actions.
• Decide on reasonable — but not overly harsh — consequences. Rather than punish your grade-schooler, think about ways she can help make amends for her mistake. She might print up a batch of "lost dog" flyers to post around the neighborhood, for instance.
• Tell her that you love her anyway. It's healthy for your child to develop a conscience and to regret bad behavior, but you don't want her to feel that she loses your esteem every time she makes a mistake.
The lazy lie. The way your grade-schooler sees it, telling you what you want to hear may be the path of least resistance: "No, I don't have any homework left"; "Yes, I brushed my teeth"; and "No, I'm not watching South Park." These falsehoods may seem relatively benign, but it's wise not to let them slide, or she may get the idea that honesty doesn't matter. When you catch your child fudging the truth, let her know that it's not okay by telling her how important it is to be honest and reminding her about the repercussions of lying.
It's also important to deal with the lie by addressing the behavior your child's glossing over, says Gillian McNamee, an educational psychologist at the Erikson Institute for Advanced Study in Child Development in Chicago. This means choosing a penalty that suits the crime. If your grade-schooler lied about her homework, for instance, tell her that she'll have to show you her completed assignments every evening from now on. If she's been lax about dental hygiene, perhaps the idea of a routine breath-check before she heads out will motivate her to do better. If it's a TV offense, consider having her ask for permission to watch or strictly limiting her viewing hours.
The white lie. Parents are often amazed at how early kids catch on to the concept of the "social lie" — the little fib that helps the teller save face or spares someone else's feelings. As young as age 6, your child may insincerely compliment a schoolmate's shoes or hesitate to tell a friend that she no longer shares her enthusiasm for Arthur. Of course, it's important that kids learn empathy and avoid hurting others' feelings. But you also need to be sure that your grade-schooler understands the difference between a well-intended distortion of the truth — saying, "Thank you. I love it!" when she receives a duplicate gift, or assuring her newly shorn Grandma, "Your hair looks nice" — and telling a lie that could hurt someone or that serves no purpose but to toot her own horn.
With girls, be especially watchful for fibs told just to be nice. Girls often get the message that niceness is paramount, even if it means being dishonest about their feelings. In an effort to be liked, your daughter may bottle up strong feelings and replace them with silence or a web of pretty lies. In order for her to develop self-esteem and emotional strength, she must learn to value her own responses and opinions and to express them without self-reproach. So make sure she knows that her emotions and preferences are not only valid, but are qualities that distinguish her delightfully from the crowd. Help her find ways to say what she really feels, thinks, and wants while supporting a friend's prerogative to feel and like different things.
The cry for help. Your child may lie because she's overwhelmed at school or in her social life and needs help dealing with the pressure. Or she may desperately fear disappointing you. If you suspect that she's deceiving you for one of these reasons, have a heart-to-heart with her, encouraging her to talk about her anxieties. You may need to consider lowering your expectations so she can achieve success in smaller, more manageable steps, which will boost her self-confidence. Rather than pushing for top scores in all her school subjects, for instance, pick one (like math) and work on that first. Reassure your grade-schooler, too, that you'll always love her, no matter what she says or does. If her lying is becoming chronic, a deeper issue may be to blame. In that case, a child counselor or family therapist can help her get to the root of the problem.
I would not have her stand up in front of the church. That could scare and stick with her for the rest of her life. I would call your preacher and take her with you and have her apoligize to him personally and alone. Ask him if he wouldn't mind sitting down with her also for a few minutes and explaining to her about lying to people. The next step I would take is to have her write an apology letter to everyone that she told the fib to. Make it short and sweet. She can place all of them in envelopes and at church on Sunday either yourself or if she isn't too shy hand them to the people she fibbed to. Don't be embarrased. What she did is normal. All little kids fib to people for attention. Have you sat down to her and explained that you understand that she fibbed, but when she did this she hurt other people's feelings because they were very concerned about her. Explain to her that if someone told her something and it was a fib, how would she feel. I have started to sit down one on one with Jessica and explain to her when she does something wrong how it affects other people and can hurt them. Sorry for going on and on, but good luck.
I would follow Jenn's advice. Standing up in front of everyone might have a lasting effect on a 6 year old. Jenn seemed to have covered all the important things. Explainations of why you don't fib, what to do to "fix" the results and so on.
As for mom, well, it is just one of those stories you will tell over many holiday tables as your family ages and grows. It is how we react to these normal whoops's that sets the tone for proper behavior.
By handling it with everyones feelings in mind, you will earn the respect from your daughter and everyone at chruch.
Mechelle, I agree with the other posters. I think having your dd apologize to the whole congregation would definitely punish her but at the cost of a lot of humiliation and loss of self-esteem. I like their ideas better. Having her apologize to a specific person and explaining why we don't lie, etc.
I agree with the above posters. I would have her talk with the preacher and have him give her a little talk about lying. Then have her say she's sorry. I'm sure the congregation understands that she's just 6 and they will think that it was "cute". The congregation would probably feel really uncomfortable if they had to sit through a teary eyed apology from a little girl who meant no harm.
Just be sure to write this little experience down, it will be really funny to you both when your DD is grown up! 
I agree, don't have her stand up in front of the congregation. And talk to your pastor first before you have her apologize to him, so that he knows what is going on and how you'd liek to see it handled.
Yes, your daughter needs to know lying is wrong and has consequences. But whatever her reason, I'm sure she didn't deliberately plan to inconvenience people or cause a big problem. It was probably just an impulse, maybe based on the way she saw people react when your other child had the ear surgery. Now that she knows she has, she probably already feels terrible. At her age, it is still difficult to tell the difference between "truth" and "really, really true".
I don't ever like to humiliate a child. And humiliating her in church may cause her to have negative feelings about church, which I know you don't want. Let her, instead, see a forgiving pastor who understands, tells her she did wrong, and forgives her - a much better feeling for her, I am sure.
THat is so funny! (That's because it's not my child). They really get us sometimes, dont'they?! This is from Trina's post:Her lies aren't necessarily due to naughtiness, though. At this age, there are many developmental and emotional reasons for lying, such as a need to feel important. It soounds to me that's why she did it. It was much more exciting than praying for the dead cat yet again. And I'm sure she got LOTS of attention when she said it, which made her feel even more important and gave the fib a life of its own!
Mechelle,
This is too funny! I agree that standing her up in front of the church won't help, but an apology is necessary...ROFLMBO
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