UGH, does anyone else have this problem?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2003:
UGH, does anyone else have this problem?
This may be lengthy but, here it goes...
Putting my kids to sleep these days is a major PAIN! It started with putting my daughter to bed when she was maybe 2 (she is now 4), she just didn't like to stay in her room at night, alone. We got that settled, then my son started having bed time troubles. When we moved him from crib to bed, he of course kept getting out of his bed. After a long time of that struggle we got it straighted out. for a month or so everyone was going to bed fine. Then my DD started on this separation anxiety thing which is ..NO FUN! So now she is 4 yrs old and cries when we put her to bed and leave the room. Well, guess what. She got my son started too. So now they both cry when we put them to bed. If one settles down, then the other starts and when the other heres the first one crying he starts again. ARRRH what a pain. Last night they didn't fall asleep till around 10:00, that gives my DH and I no time to relax before we go to bed. Both kids have night lights in their rooms, and we have one in the hallway too. thanks for letting me vent  Anyone else have these problems? Any suggestions?
The only thing I would say is I would stay firm and not give in. I think or maybe hope like most things with kids they will get the picture that this is the way it is and they will get used to it. Mine our 2 and 4 and they have always gone to bed fine. But they share a room by the fall my dd will have her own. I am not so sure then that things will go so smoothly.
Also maybe look at your bedtime routine. Do you read a story ect..? Talk about it during the day with them before it is bed time. They are still pretty young maybe they could share a room for a while??? Just a thought.
Oh yes, BTDT. An incentive chart worked well with my DD (newly 5). Every night she went to bed without a fuss she earned a sticker. So many stickers earned her something special. You can customize and change this as needed. In her case, we started out with 3 stickers earned a small toy. When she did well with that we changed to 5 stickers earns something special, like an icecream cone at Friendly's or new hair clips, or something along those lines. After awhile she fell back into a good bed time routine and we no longer needed to use the incentive chart.
Each of my kids like to listen to music while they fall asleep. This has been helpful as well. If they don't stay in bed they lose that privilege, and they know that.
Also, when DD complains of being alone or wants me to stay with her, she is often comforted by having one of our cats in her room or a large stuffed animal on her bed.
Both kids have flashlights by their beds. Sometimes if they're having trouble settling down I'll tell them it's OK to play with their flashlight in bed before going to sleep. Many times that works! I'll check on them in a little while and find them asleep.
I probably shouldn't verbalize this let alone putting it in writing, but here goes.....bedtime around our house is almost perfect. I have a 6 yr old and a 4 y/o. I have always been firm and consistent and I think that's what has worked. My kids have never gotten out of bed. They do call for me sometimes but the rule is, as long as they are quiet, their door remains open and their nightlight stays on. If I hear them, I turn out their light and close the door til they are quiet again. That has always seemed to work with us. My dh and I differ here - I cannot bear to hear them cry. I just don't allow it. he will "let them cry themselves to sleep" I on the other hand will sit with them, talk about whatever is keeping them up and try to change their fears into happy thoughts. I explain that bedtime is bedtime and it's not gonna change. Again, I'm firm and consistent.
My suggestion to you - make a trip out to Walmart - buy them each a special night light and sleeping toy. Allow them to fall asleep with the door open & light on and use the toy as their sleeping partner so they are not alone. If they make noise, threaten to close door & turn off light.
Good luck!
Thanks but we have done all those...except the sticker chart. I will have to try that.
My daughter has 2 toys she sleeps with. She has the flashlight and even a picture of my DH and me beside her bed. I asked her the other day if she wants music to sleep by. She said "no, my room is fine just the way it is" They do have night lights in their rooms. I do leave the door open...if i close it my daughter FREAKS OUT!! She really doesn't like it closed and i don't think closing it will help matters much. Doing the door closing thing with my son works a little bit. Oh and my son (2yrs) has several toys he sleeps with. I think he would be fine at night now if it weren't for my DD having problems. He copies everything she does, so unfortunately he copies the bad things too.
My DH has threated to throw away the Barbies and that has helped a bit, but we cant to that every night.
We do have a bedtime routine...Bedtime snack, clean up toys,PJs on, brush teeth, stories, lights out. Same thing every night.
Trina, the bedtime chart is worth a try. She loves stickers so i will try that tonight.
Thanks for the advice ladies!
This was just on the Dr. Phil show today. The mom has been dealing with night time issues for ten years.
He suggested you start talking to the kids during the day, saying how big they are, how proud you are that they are going to start sleeping in their rooms, etc. He suggested a chart, like Trina, said. Each night spent in their room gets then a sticker. Make the goal be for three nights, small toy or trip, then extend the goal period for longer stretches of time.
He also suggested putting a dimmer on the light in the child's room instead of a nightlight so the parent can gradually decrease the light to total darkness.
When the child comes to you in the middle of the night, walk them back to bed. Do not let them cuddle, in YOUR room, even for a second. This gives them the warmth and comfort they are seeking...in your space, not theirs. Hug them in their space; their room.
It makes sense to me. If it works, please post and let me know! I still wake up with a "kitten" (as my DH calls them when they crawl into bed) or two every few days or so. They are so quiet now, I don't notice until morning! LOL
It's usually the same two who have been terrible sleepers from birth.
I don't have separation issues with my kids, but I can feel your pain about how late they go to bed. Bedtime in our house is 9:30. They WILL NOT go to sleep any earlier. 6yr old has Tourette's and I think he has an issue with his biorhythmic clock. There's a theory that Tourette kids have a biorhythm like a teenager. That's EXACTLY what he's like. Can't get him to bed, but then he's grumpy when he wakes up (and I have to wake him up). Kind of a nightmare. Thank goodness summer is here and he doesn't have to get up. The toddler (16 mo) has NEVER been a sleeper. He also goes to bed at 9:30 and wakes up at 6:30. He naps for only 1 hr. Also both kids are extremely bright. I mention that because some bright kids (and people) just don't need as much sllep as others. I used to fight them and try to get them down earlier, but I noticed that if I just put them to bed later there was no fight. (I noticed that the pattern was they fought it until 9:30). I've talked to the pediatrician and he says as long as they aren't cranky and don't seem to need the sleep they are missing, it's not an issue.
I didn't get to really finish my response last night as the kids needed me- but what I wanted to suggest is maybe thinking about WHY they are acting this way would help you get to the root of the problem. What are they afraid of? Are they setting each other off? If so, who starts it? Maybe you need to wean them off of you leaving? One thing I used to do when my son was 2 was sit outside of his door. THen I moved down the hall. Then to my bedroom. Finally 3 years later, I can now go downstairs without his freaking out. Is it genuine fear of abandonment? IF that's it, you might have to try the weaning thing. Also, do they have "transitional objects?" (blankets, stuffed animals, etc that act as "mom" when you are gone?) DS #1- the one that I had to "wean" still carts around 4 stuffed animals and he MUST have them to sleep every night.
I'm also not a big sticker fan. Unless you get to the root of the problem, I think stickers will just act as a bandaid IMHO.
I know the sticker thing is pretty much bribing, but it worked last night. Actually the fact that neither of them had a nap and they were up later probably helped too But the sticker chart thing helped also.
My daughter (4) is definitely setting my son (2) off. We have let him stay downstairs for awhile till DD falls asleep, so he can go to sleep in peace. That works. BTDT with the sitting outside the door, down the hall etc. Don't want to go back to that headache.
She just says she wants us to watch her sleep. I think it is a fear of abandonment. No they don't have any comfort objects, never have.
They don't come to our room in the middle of the night anymore, thank goodness! It is just getting htem to stay in bed that is the problem.
I will continue with the sticker chart thing. I'll let you know how that is going.
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