I was re-married last summer and we have three bedrooms for four children. My husband has two teenage boys aged 15 and 14. I have an 8 yr old girl and a 4 year old boy. The two older children don't want to share a room and are trying to convince my husband that the 8 year old girl and 4 year old boy should share a room. I feel that it is not only inappropriate, but that it would cause a lot of fighting. ie. little brother getting into sister stuff (nail polish, scribbling on her homework, etc...) Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as this is causing a major problem in our home.

By Trina on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 03:27 pm:

I have no personal experience with a situation like this, but seems like the best combination would be to have the teenage boys share a room. They are the same gender and close in age.

By Kathy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 04:02 pm:

The girl should get her own room. My daughter was 8 and already into puberty and there is no way she would want to share a room with a boy, regardless of his age.

By Semperspencer on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 04:09 pm:

I agree with the above. The two teenage boys should share the room. The girl should definitely have her own room for the reasons Kathy mentioned above. She will be nearing puberty, and it will be important she has her own room. It would be different if she could share with another daughter, but it would be inappropriate to share with a brother.

It sounds like typical teenage bickering between the two teenage boys. They are going to have to accept the fact that you two are the parents and what you decide goes.

Good Luck and let us know what you decide!

By Kate on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 04:37 pm:

I agree. The two teenage boys should share a room. They won't think it's fair, but there's no other acceptable alternative. Your daughter happens to luck out being the only girl and having no sister or step sister to share with. Your son lucks out, too, since he's just too young with bedtime and perhaps even naps, to share with a teenager. The older boys may not see the logic, but it makes the most sense and surely your husband will see it that way, too. What way is your husband leaning?

Good luck!

By Karen55 on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 07:08 pm:

I agree, and they will not think it's fair but it's the only logical and acceptable alternative, IMO.

By Barbara on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 07:50 pm:

1. What is your husband's opinion about this?
2. Do they live there all year or spend time with their mother, do your children reside with you full time or do they visit their father?
3. Was this their house before you married their dad? and did they have their own rooms then? or did you all purchase this house after you combined families?

you know its easy to say that these two boys being close in age should share a room but I don't know the whole story...if they have always had their own room they may feel they are being pushed out to please dad's new squeeze....and her kids...not trying to be mean but I have 2 teenagers (girls) close in age and they get sick of being shoved together...because of our house we have 4 girls in one room and 1 son in his own room. but We gave them the largest room with its own bathroom and they now enjoy it quite nicely....

Look at your house closely maybe their is a room you could convert to another bedroom or give them the master suite and make it a teen suite, is there an attic or basement room you could convert to a teen hangout....maybe they could share sleeping quarters but be given a place to make their own....we have 3 small attics and our oldest dds 15 & 16 each took one and made it their place...I strictly enforce their privacy there and allow them to take friends up their...they can't sleep there---yet but maybe one day soon we can get those rooms converted!

Kids that age need their privacy even ones of the same sex--I have two brothers close in age but whenever possible my mom would let them have their own room they might have been brothers but they had very little in common--different friends, different music, different cleaning styles trust me it was easier to have them seperate less battles that way.....

and while I am not all for opposite genders sleeping together these boys will probably be leaving home in 3-4 years who is to say your kids couldn't share a room until then. get a room divider a couple of high shelves and dressing rules and they could probably do fine....


Welcome to Momsview! and I hope I didn't scare you away by a different perspective!

By Mommyathome on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 08:17 pm:

I say the teens should share the room, and the girl should get her own. Is the room big enough to split it up? I seen once on Trading Spaces (my favorite show!!) where they put a curtain, on a runner and everything, down the middle of the room. The kids could shut it when they wanted their own space, and open it for together time, or for more space etc.

Good luck!

By Bobbie on Thursday, June 26, 2003 - 10:24 pm:

First off... Welcome to Momsview

Okay now, How big are the rooms we are talking about??? I live in a three bedroom with four kids. My son 11 has his own room and my daughters 13 and 6 year old twins share a room. My 13 year old doesn't think it is fair but what can you do. We gave our daughters the master bedroom. We took the next size smaller and my son is in the smallest room. I have to say. If you have a large enough room that you could adapt with a divider I see no reason why your younger children couldn't share a room. Prior to the twins my oldest two shared a room devided down the middle by a drape with their dressers up against it. I did this so that I could set the small room up as a playroom. Like Barb asked do you have any rooms you could make into a bedroom for the time being? I have a friend that converted the dinning room into her youngest sons bedroom as privacy for a 3 year old was not an issue. She just bought tension rods and hung drapes in the two enterances into the room. It after all is just temporary her oldest stepson is 16 and will be on his own in two years. But it fixed the situation for now. The older boys don't have much longer and they will be gone and I can fully see their point. I too am wondering are your husbands children with you full time??? Or is it a weekends deal? If you see no other way to deal with this they will just have to get over it. You have to do what you have to do. Ask them if they would rather have the four year old in their room and in their stuff? They either bunk together or with him... I bet they would prefer sharing with each other.

By Marcia on Friday, June 27, 2003 - 12:19 am:

We have a 3 bedroom house, and 5 girls. We put bunk beds in the master bedroom, and 2 share that. Two more share the next biggest room, and one has the smallest room to herself. We made the basement family room into our room. Is that a possibility for you?

By Palmbchprincess on Friday, June 27, 2003 - 04:03 am:

LK, WELCOME!!!! I have a question... you said three bedrooms. Is that 3 for the kids, or 2 for the kids and 1 for you and DH? No matter what I think the girl should have her own room. If there is any way to give the boys some personal space you should try to do that, but making your DD share a room with a boy is not right IMO. I have boy and girl twins, and the military will make us have separate rooms for them once they reach a certain age. (They are 13 months now) Good luck with all of this.

By Ginnyk on Friday, June 27, 2003 - 06:09 am:

Welcome. And, if you think having an 8 year old girl and 4 year old boy share a bedroom, you have no idea how much trouble can come from two teenage stepsons being forced to share a bedroom when they don't want to. 15 and 14 are awful ages to be and awful ages to be around generally, and this would simply add more fuel to an already explosive situation. I'll bet these boys battle each other a lot already - having them in the same room would give more opportunity for battling and less opportunity for peace.

I feel very strongly this is something you and your dh need to discuss privately and come up with a decision, and then simply tell the children this is what it will be - but it needs to be decided jointly and announced jointly. If you are seen as the decision maker, it will make it even harder than it probably already is for you to establish good relations with your stepsons.

And I think the alternatives Barbara describes above are worth thinking about. I agree, I'm not thrilled with the idea of opposite gender children sharing a room, but my brother and I, 18 months apart in age, shared a bedroom until I was 12, with strict dressing rules, and it worked out OK. And this was a small room, with bunkbeds and no space for a divider.

By Bobbie on Saturday, June 28, 2003 - 12:07 am:

So what have you decided? Any resolve on the homefront yet? And I might agree with Ginny on the battles that could come about if the boys don't have a place to get away from each other. I know my older two will get fed up with each other and come right out and say I have heard enough I am going to my room. Then the other will stomp off to their room too. Adventually one will come out and go to the others room after they are cooled off. But the ability to get away from each other has stopped some major screaming matches in our house for sure. Hope you have come up with some kind of happy meduim for all involved. And it is true that you and your DH have to agree and stand together on this, If they can see that you do not agree they will use it towards their advantage later.

By Lk11723 on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 09:39 am:

Thank you for all of your posts. Unfortunately, this issue has not been resolved as of yet. For those who were asking, the house was my husband's grandmother's. She was placed into a nursing facility about a year ago and me and my children moved in immediately after. The 4 and 8 year olds were given their own rooms, my husband and I took the third and the two teenagers had the basement family room for a bedroom. About two months later, we finished converting an addition to the house from a print shop to a master bedroom and my husband and I moved into it. The two teenage boys then moved into the room that we had previously occupied.

The boys were fighting all of the time and asked if we could turn a storage room off of the family room into a bedroom, which we did. The older one moved down there first, but after a few months switched with the younger one. Neither one likes the basement room... and neither one is willing to share with the four year old.

In my opinion, my husband is being unreasonable. We had this argument yet again last night. Now he wants my eight year old daughter to move down to the basement bedroom by her self. She would freak out being down there alone. Not to mention, that both of my children have been exposed to toxic mold and have to be on allergy medication to keep from having asthma attacks.

By Beth on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 10:11 am:

Okay this is just MO but it sounds like you have already tried to accomodate the older two and they still weren't happy. To bad they don't like the basement room. If they want there own room one of them will have to sleep there. I agree with you I would not put an 8 year old downstairs by themselves.

I could be way off base here and I hope that I don't offend you. But it sounds like your dh is afraid to rock the boat with his sons. I don't know what the situation is on how he became a single parent. I just think if these two are running the household with there behaviors and dh is letting them some counseling for the family may help. I don't envy anyone trying to do what you are doing. I know a blended family atmosphere has to be tough. Personally I don't think many could do it with out some sort of counseling. Especially given the ages of the children involved here. Good luck with what ever you decide!

By Ginnyk on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 01:43 pm:

I agree with Beth about your dh not wanting to rock the boat. Sounds to me like these two boys, in addition to being in that obnoxious and contentious, argumentative and frequently negative period known as teenage years, are also (a) not thrilled with being part of a blended family; (b) trying (successfully) to manipulate their dad and his guilt feelings (and oh yes, he has guilt feelings - he is a parent); and (c) also trying to manipulate you, the wicked stepmother. If they win on this one, something else will be the next battlefield, believe me. Especially since they are both coming up on driver's license and driving ages. I really think you need to settle this now, before the dread 16th birthday arrives for each and you have new and even more important issues to battle.

How about putting it to the boys - you don't want to share a room and neither of you wants the basement room, so here is your choice. Either you share a bedroom, peaceably, or you take turns, in 3 or 4 month periods, in the basement bedroom, trading off each 3 or 4 month period (see note).

The younger children are not going to be in the basement, because they are younger and not old enough to be in a part of the house separate from the adults. Period - this is not open for discussion.

So, either you share peacefully (with your father and me being the judges of whether you are peaceful) or you automatically select Option B and will flip a coin to see who gets the upstairs room and who gets the basement room for the first period.

Note: I say 3 or 4 months, because if you did half-year intervals, the boy in the basement would be there the same time of year each time and if it is winter, that would be a bummer.

For your dh, I would say "who is the parent/adult here?" Those boys are going to be gone in 3 and 4 years respectively, and we all hope that you and dh are still living together, so dh should take a look at the future and decide how he wants to handle this. If he has not laid down the law to these boys before (and, from your saying they have been battling a lot, I suspect he hasn't), he had better start now or accept that they are going to run the show and he is not.

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:20 pm:

I'm with Beth and Ginny. You've done everything you can to accomodate the teens, not they'll just have to deal with it. You're the parents, they are the kids. That's just the way it is. When they are parents, then they can make the decisions!
BTW...I use to hate it when my mom said that to me ;) lol
Easier said than done, I know. Good luck to you!

By Mommmie on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - 03:39 pm:

Can you do something to the basement to make it more enticing? Put something down there that's not in the other boy's room? Cable? Redecorate? Separate phone line? Computer? TV hooked up to a dish?

By Tonya on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 04:07 pm:

Sounds to me like the problem is not the teens it is more the DH. You guys need to sit down and talk and he needs to realize who the boss is and who has the final say in things. And that 100% of the time it is the of you and not the kids. You also by the sounds of it need to make him see you as a parent and not a step because he is not treating you very well either. He doesn't want to make his boys mad so instead he is going to make an 8 yr old do something that they should not for health and other reasons.

Good luck please keep us updated on how things are going!!