My DS is 7 and can be very moody. I am the one he feels safe running to when he is badly hurt, teary after missing every ball at a baseball game...I am the one who cooks food he likes, makes sure his favorite clothes are clean, the one who will snuggle at night when he asks, reads him stories at night, sits in the bathroom because he "likes company" when in the tub...The list goes on. And he isn't an only child. I manage to balance so much and keep the kids happy. Perhaps I do too much. My DS has a field trip to a water park in the morning and I was going to chaperone. Well, he tells me tonite that he doesn't want me to go and he will tell me all about it when he comes back. I was CRUSHED! My DD would have loved it if I went along with her and I have in the past. I am a full time Mom and being with and doing things with my kids is what I do. He was afraid to tell me because he thought I would be mad. I told him I wasn't mad, but I was sad. He later told me that it was OK for me to go because I had already told the teacher I would chaperone. I don't want my kids to feel that they have to hide how they feel just to protect my feelings, yet I don't want to keep my feelings inside just to suit them. They need to understand that some comments will hurt others. Is there a "happy medium" to this? My mother hurt my feelings today and I didn't let her know it. It is still bothering me. I don't want my kids to grow up not knowing what to do with their feelings. Do you realize how many times I wrote that word???!!! Thanks for letting me vent. PMS is really kicking my butt this week!!

By Palmbchprincess on Monday, June 16, 2003 - 01:12 am:

Josie,
I had to laugh at your post. I'm laughing because I know how I felt about my mom a few years ago, and how my kids will feel about me in a few years. I think when we give birth it strips us of our "coolness". We are no longer cool. As new mothers we bore our single/childless friends with details of the baby's every breath. Then, even our kids decide we are unfit to be their company. Now, I am only poking fun at the situation, not at you. It's something we all went through as kids, and will/have all see the flip side of as mothers. From your post I would say you are handling it well, and that you have raised a very caring and sensitive boy. Most kids wouldn't take their parents feelings into consideration, but your son did. Kudos on that! I think your kids are well equipped to deal with their feelings and consider others' by the way he acted.

By Karen55 on Monday, June 16, 2003 - 07:54 am:

Josie, first of all, what you're experiencing with your DS is completely normal. It could just be an *act of independence* on his part; you did say you do so much for them. There is also the possibility that other kids have teased him because his mom is so involved. Don't take that personally - it's what kids do! I've raised 4, and there are kids who absolutely love for you to be involved in pretty much everything they do, and there are kids who would rather not have mom around for everything. A slap in the face for MOM, especially when that's what moms do, as you said. I wouldn't read that much into this isolated incident.

HOWEVER, on the *feelings* subject, I applaud your wanting your kids to know what to do with theirs. The plus side to your situation is that your DS DID think about how you would feel. I think you are 100% correct in teaching them not to be afraid to communicate their feelings and allowing them to have those feelings, as well as teaching them to be aware that actions on their part affect others' feelings. I could go on and on about this, but I've got to leave for work. I just want to say that I really believe it's important for EVERYone to acknowledge their feelings and acknowledge that things they say or do will have an effect on others' feelings, and be open and honest about it all. Sometimes there is no happy medium. No one ever said that parenting came with a *no hurt feelings* guarantee, and I'm sure you will experience other little hurts along the way. If I were you, I wouldn't make too much of this unless it continues to happen. And, unfortunately, as Crystal said above, when you become a parent, you stop being *cool* - just remember that you are your child's parent and not their friend - they have plenty of friends and whether they want you around at a particular time or not, they need and depend on you to be their parent, cool or not.

By Trina on Monday, June 16, 2003 - 09:34 am:

Ditto what Karen said. I think you're handling things well. Yes, it's normal for kids to do this. I'm also a very active volunteer at DS's school, and have chaperoned every single field trip since he started Kindergarten. Currently finishing up Gr. 1, DS was usually very happy and excited to have Mom come along. A few weeks ago during the last field trip my mommy feelings were hurt when DS didn't want to sit with me on the bus. However, I was OK with it because I know this is part of growing up. It *is* hard letting those apron strings out! I sat with another mom, who's DS also didn't want to sit with her, and we had a nice chat. LOL! I have since asked DS if he would rather I didn't come into the school so often. He seemed shocked I would ask such a thing, and replied, "Mom, I really like it when you're at school. I'm lucky you can be there because most of my friends' parents have to go to work." SO, seems the bus incident was an isolated issue, but I'm sure that type of thing will happen more often as he gets older. The "cool" factor lessens with time! LOL!

By Ginnyk on Monday, June 16, 2003 - 08:04 pm:

Ditto what the posters above have said, and they have good insight and experience to offer.

You might talk with your son about it along the lines of you can understand that sometimes he'd like to go on a school trip where his mother isn't watching, but you would like to discuss that with him in advance of any trip, not the night before. For one thing, it is nice to discuss things like this in advance; for another, if you had bowed out at the last minute it might have made things difficult for the teacher, who was counting on you.

By Pamt on Monday, June 16, 2003 - 08:51 pm:

I am going to take a slightly different stance on this one. First of all, I do applaud you for making sure that your children are very in touch with their feelings and able to express them. However, I do think you overreacted just a bit. First bit of concern is that your son was worried about telling you that he didn't want you to go because he was afraid of hurting your feelings, making you mad, etc. It shows that he is such an empathetic little guy, but he can't very well be encouraged to totally express his feelings if he is worried about how you'll respond. Also, I think you should be able to express your feelings to him, but with the parental controls on. For example, if you and DH just had a disagreement and you were really mad and your DS walked in and asked what was wrong, I don't think you'd say "Your dad is an idiot!" even if you felt that way at the time. Why? Because you are the grown-up and you know that would only upset your son. On the other hand, if your son stepped on your foot it would be perfectly appropriate to say "Ouch! That really hurt!" My point is that by admitting you felt sad (even though those were your honest feelings) it put somewhat of a passive-aggressive guilt trip on your son. (Perhaps a better way to have expressed your feelings would have been, "Well, I'm a little disappointed because I was looking forward to going on the trip with you. However, I realize that you're growing up and don't want mom on every trip. I already told the teacher I would be there, but we'll talk in advance about the next trip.") It is very normal and even healthy for him to be expressing some new-found independence at his age, but in the future he may be hesitant to tell you because of his fear of making you sad. I'm certain that he doesn't want you to feel sad, but at the same time may enjoy some activities away from you at times. This separation will only increase as the years go by.

My DH is a youth minister and takes kids on lots of trips. There are some parents who would volunteer to go on every trip because they enjoy it, want to spend time with their kids, etc. However, he is very careful about rotating what parents go on which trip so the same child's parents aren't always there. They act very different in the presence of their parents and often don't feel as free to be goofy and silly.

I've heard it said that when we become parents we live life with our heart walking around outside of our body and I think there is a lot of truth in that. I remember being a little hurt when both of my boys took as readily to the bottle as they did the breast and then transitioning to preschool, babysitters, Sunday school, etc. without batting an eye. I've come to realize that it is because of their feelings of security that they can feel independent.

Hope you're feeling better about things today. ((Josie))

P.S However, on a field trip to a water park I would have definitely gone whether or not my child wanted me to. I'm surprised that the school didn't require that every child have an adult with him/her since the risk of accident would be so great with lots of kids and not enough adults.

By Debbie on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - 08:51 am:

I think Pam said it best. Your son is definitley aware of your feelings. That is great and shows what a wonderful job you are doing. Pam does make a good point about not making him feel guilty about you not going. I know I would be disappointed too, but you don't want to make him feel bad and stop coming to you about things. I am sure that it is not personal against you. He is just at that age where he is trying to become a little more independent. Good for him, but so sad for us as mommies.

By Ginnyk on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - 10:07 am:

I agree, Pamt said it best.

By Susan10 on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - 02:32 pm:

I agree with Pam and Debbie.