My ds is three and lately he's been pretty disrespectful and mean. I know he's still little but I want to nip this behavior in the butt while he's still young. Reading all of your past posts on this site, it seems most of the moms here are pretty successful with their dk(s) in this arena. Whenever my ds shouts at one of us and speaks disrepectfully to us, I get in his face and tell him he is not allowed to speak to us in that manner and that I will speak to him when he is nicer. It doesn't seem to be helping much, however, in terms of changing his behavior. In fact, lately it seems to be getting worse. He is particularly mean to my mom, who is really the nicest person that I know (maybe THAT is the problem). For example today, I gave him a choice between carrots or corn for side veggies with his dinner and he screamed "I don't WANT veggies !! Go away, Mommy!" I was stunned. Of course, I did the above routine but is there anything more that I can do?? What do I do EACH time he speaks in this manner besides telling him it is not nice? How much of his behavior is expected in a three year old? Please share with me how you handled your dks when it comes to respecting their elders etc.. at such a young age. Thanks!

By Pamt on Saturday, May 24, 2003 - 12:38 am:

I highly recommend the book "1-2-3 Magic". It is a discipline philosophy based on swift consequences (timeout) with no lecturing. Through the consequence of timeout each and every time the child breaks established rules he quickly learns what is expected of him. You can start this method at age 2.

I think you may be sending him the wrong message by "getting in his face" because that is not really respectful of him either. A calm "I will not listen to you when you talk in that tone of voice, attitude etc." and then ignoring would be better, but I really think that timeout would be best. Also, consider how you and dh talk to each other---are you modeling respect? The approach is simple, but would take to long to explain and I'm tired :-(, but you can find the book on Amazon. Good luck!

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, May 24, 2003 - 12:57 am:

When he is disrespectful I would just say "I don't understand you when you talk like that, come bcak when you can be respectful" I know this is a common whining trick, but I figure it may work with this too. Then again, my kids are too young to be at that stage, so I don't know. It's worth a shot. I also agree that time-outs or loss of privlidges is in order. My mom told me when I was worried about raising respectful mannered kids that they learn from you. So be sure to be very respectful to them and others, because apparently they learn by example. I'm not saying you are not doing so, just be extra cautious in front of kids.

By Feona on Saturday, May 24, 2003 - 07:30 am:

I don't know if I would always time out a three year old for expressing his negative feelings. My son would be in time out all day long! Maybe I am wrong. Maybe an advanced three year old could be timed out for yelling and that would work. I guess if you only time out for yelling that might work. I may be crazy but I am kind of thinking that time outs for three year olds for yelling might be to early.

My three year old just got his feelings. I can really see he doesn't know what to do with his feelings. He is so young. The feelings are so powerful. The feelings just started all at once and we are all very suprised with the ups and downs and tantrums and constant no. My husband is in shock. Where did our always happy kid go? I am happy he has feelings but overwhelmed by his ups and downs. Some kids such as autistic kids have trouble with their feelings so I am glad he is expressing feelings.

I time out for throwing things like phones, or touching the computer and physical hitting or hurting.

I would just keep telling him no yelling or I can't hear you when you yell. Time outs for yelling at grandma (Unacceptable) Maybe I would start with no yelling at the dinner.... Something to think about....

I guess modeling would be best as Pamt says. Hard....


Also there is the problem with Men and Boys surpressing their feelings. I know that is a big problem so I like to see expression of feelings with my son.... Another thing to think about. Sigh. My husband has trouble expressing his feelings.


I think people might say use your indoor voice too.

By Tklinreston on Saturday, May 24, 2003 - 11:26 am:

Thanks for your responses. I agree with everyone that our kids do learn the most from us. I've been reading Love & Logic lately and have managed to stay very calm and a matter-of-fact with my ds. What I mean by "getting in his face" is that I kneel down to his level eye to eye and tell him calmly that I do not approve of his yelling etc and I will speak to him when he is sweet. I then ignore him until he approaches me. I want to make sure he understands why I am ignoring him. But, Pam, you raised a good point. Maybe I'll try just talking to him without getting down to his level. He does eventually calm down and I will hug him. But, of course, as I said earlier, he'll do it again. I tend to agree with Feona. If I sent him to time-out EVERY time I feel he is being disrespectful, he'd be in his room all day. I'm wondering if I'm doing enough, though. The best advice that I'm getting out of all this (which we all already know in our hearts but have a hard time remembering to do it) is being the absolute BEST model we can be and just pray and hope our dks pick up on it.

By Feona on Sunday, May 25, 2003 - 07:45 am:

The ABA teacher is telling to really be quite firm and consistant with ds. The last two weeks he has been trying to run the house. I think it is very hard. The child has to stop thinking he can run the house and talk us into doing what he wants. He would be miserable if that happened and we would be miserable. This disipline stuff is not to my liking at all.

I actually gave him a bannana yesterday and said, "That is all you are getting so eat it". His diet has went into the toliet. He thinks he can eat no fruit and vegetables. Well he ate half the bananna.

The time outs are amazing and have worked great up to this point.

We are losing the ABA teacher that helped us with the time outs and now this persistant repeating demand behavior. I actually am scared what we are going to do without the specialized help.

By Marcia on Sunday, May 25, 2003 - 05:16 pm:

I agree that he should be allowed to share his negative feelings, as long as he isn't rude about it. I would continue with the love and logic approach rather than time outs. He's still pretty young, so he is just learning how to deal with these feelings. It is very normal for a three year old to go through this ... the trying threes. Just remember that the forgiving fours are next. :o)
A great video to watch is Barbara Coloroso's. Oh man, I can't think of the name, but I have the book. She's excellent, and her books/videos will make you look at things differently.
Hang in there!

By Marymary on Monday, May 26, 2003 - 12:29 pm:

Joyce:

I have a DS who is almost 5 and I am still going through some of the "rude" behaviour...one thing that I have noticed is that sometimes he can make choices other times he can't so I try to limit the "amount" of times he can make his own choice, strong willed children such as ours (or at least mine) can take you down a peg almost everytime you talk to them....I recently started ignoring the demands and rudeness and on occasion
have just said "you have hurt my feelings" and then left it at that, I usually get back a "I'm sorry Mommy"...but it has taken about 4 months of consistent behaviour on my part.

(Crystal wrote)"I don't understand you when you talk like that, come bcak when you can be respectful"

(in responce)
although I have tried that also in the past it was brought to my attention that children as young as 3 or 4 do not understand many of our "grown up" instructions, such as "come back when you are ready to apologize" or "come back when you are ready to speak to me in a proper manner".....these are young children and as much as I can relate to your difficulty with his behaviour (remember I have been there just recently)....you do have to take charge and perhaps putting his favourite toy in a "time out" or taking away a favourite activity may be more productive than trying to make him go to a "time out"......good luck and remember it is a phase and although at times it may seem endless, there is an "end" somewhere out there.

Aren't you glad that this board is here so that we can all share our suggestions and experiences!?!?!!?

By Tklinreston on Tuesday, May 27, 2003 - 10:00 am:

We read our ds two books every night before bed, which he absolutely loves. Last night, my dh didn't read him his stories because my ds gave him a hard time while getting ready for bed. I guess he started whining and crying when my dh squeezed the toothpaste and my ds wanted to do it and he also kept ignoring my dh's repeated request to do something. He let our ds know that if he continue his behavior he would lose the story privilege. I would like everyone's opinion on whether you feel this is an appropriate way to handle our ds. I do the same thing but only when my ds throws a tantrum.. not because he takes a long time to transition from play to getting ready for bed or for whining alittle. My dh is not a very patient person and tends to reach his breaking point rather quickly. Last night, my ds was in the middle of a movie and he was very obedient when I told him we had to turn it off and get ready for bed but then lost his story privilege as told above while getting ready for bed. I believed my ds should have had his story read, especially for turning off the movie when I asked him to without a fuss and felt very bad for him. Just wanted your opinion.

By Marymary on Tuesday, May 27, 2003 - 12:39 pm:

Too many rules, if you do this (that will happen) if you don't do that (this will happen)...you need to make things as easy as possible for your 3 yr old to understand....not taking away his story for (turning off the t.v.), but taking it away for what your DH considers improper behaviour during teeth brushing time, makes it very confusing to your 3 yr old....how about making it simple....have the same routine every night and explain to him that:

1. must listen to mom and dad when asked to turn off the t.v.
2. must get pyjamas on without any fuss
3. teeth must be brushed (parent or child will squeeze toothpaste)make that decision ahead of time.

Children are also exhausted by the end of the day, it's a new world to them and multiple rules make for cranky children...I know my 4 yr old whines about brushing his teeth, and just for the sake of sanity my husband will sling him over his shoulder and take him to the bathroom and help him brush his teeth......does it really matter who squeezes the toothpaste especially at the end of the night....the sink will catch the excess...if your husband has a relatively short fuse, perhaps you could change duties and you could do the "nightime routine".

I know, I am the "more anxious" of the two of us so I leave the nightime brushing to my DH...and I do the morning routine...makes for less stress all around...(nothing like having an un cooperative child to set off the last fuse you have left!!!) Perhaps having a sticker chart on the bathroom or bedroom door would help at the end of the week if your DS has all stars, perhaps he can go to the bookstore and pick out a new book or even the library...just a thought....some children do well with a chart reqard system others do not...boy what we have to learn as adults...LOL

One thing is for sure you have to get together with your Dh and decide what things are important and what things can slide, also making sure that you both agree on what constitutes "taking away priveledges" has to remain the same...as I read your note it sticks in my mind you thought that your son should still have had his story read for (what you consider a good behaviour) while your Dh decided that he shouldn't have the story read after the bathroom incident......poor kid....his parents are having a difficult time agreeing and he probably doesn't know what to expect from either of you...TOO MANY mixed messages....keep us updated

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, May 27, 2003 - 04:52 pm:

There are lots of different approaches to the problem. The ideas above sound great

At our house we don't tolerate any unacceptable behavior. My DD's are 4 and 3 and they know what is acceptable and what isn't. If they find something new to try out on us that we don't feel is acceptable, we just get on their level, look at them and tell them "that is unacceptable behavior". It usually works, they know to drop it after that.

One thing that we've tried not to say is "that is unacceptable behavior in OUR HOUSE" We definitley leave out the OUR HOUSE part, because if it's unacceptable in our house, I want them to know that it's unacceptable at other peoples houses as well.

By Tklinreston on Wednesday, May 28, 2003 - 03:13 pm:

Thanks Mary for your insight. I totally agree about being on the same page with my dh. It's hard though. My dh is on frequent travel due to his job and when he's home, he seems tuned out most of the time. I set aside time to talk to him about what has been going on while he's been away and asking his opinion on how we should handle our ds. We usually end the conversation with an agreement but then he goes away again and when he returns and is dealing with my ds one on one, he forgets what we spoke about. He keeps resorting back to his old behavior. For instance, he uses the phrase "you better...." alot, which we agreed we would eliminate from our vocab. I think it sounds to menacing and threatening and would prefer to use a different approach; but I still catch him using those words alot. Oh well.... My dh tends to be pretty inpatient at times, too, and because of that, I try to take on much of the responsibilities myself but with a three month old it's hard. I have to just keep open the lines of communication and hope my dh tunes in..... Maybe I'll try writing down what we have agreed on with regards to rules and punishment etc. That's an idea.

By Susan10 on Thursday, May 29, 2003 - 12:33 pm:

You've gotten good advice here. I say just keep it up. Things don't change overnite. I think you're doing the right thing getting down to his level when you talk to him, so he knows you mean business. I did this with my son when he was 4, and it worked. I used time outs, too, but pick your battles carefully, or like someone said, he'd be in time out all the time. Just be consistent and you will see results.