Lately, anytime my ds, 3 and a half years old, doesn't get his way, he immediately starts crying/whining and throwing a tantrum. For example, today our neighbor's little girl brought out a bottle of apple juice. My ds came to me and asked me for apple juice. When I told him that we didn't have any apple juice but that he could have either orange juice or water, he immediately started crying. Again, I repeated myself but only to hear his crying escalate. I told his friend that my ds would have to stop playing now and come inside until he was calm. This, of course, enraged him and his crying intensfied. I tried to explain to him that it was not always possible to get everything that he wanted and that I understood his disappointment. I gave him the choice of orange juice or water once again. He just got angrier. When I told him that he needed to be by himself until he was calmer, he started to scream and wail his closed fist at me. He then struck me in the knee on purpose. I was shocked because this was the first time that he deliberatly hit me. I've never known him to be aggressive with me or any of his friends before. I gave him time-out telling him that "hitting mommy or anyone else for that matter was unacceptable". While in the room, he was screaming at the top of his lungs and kicking the door and walls very hard out of anger and frustration. That took me over my limit (since 8 am in this morning, it's been one tantrum over another) and I marched back in the room and basically yelled at him to stop. He eventually calmed down at which point I hugged him but he still insisted on apple juice. We went through another crying phase (not so intense) but eventually he calmed down. Now I know it's important to not loose our cool but it's so hard sometimes. Whenever he starts throwing a tantrum, I try to leave the room letting him know he can talk to me once he's able to speak nicely and calmly. It does work for the short term but as soon as he doesn't get his way it happens again. Is it normal or is it unusual for someone his age to get so angry to the point he is kicking the door repeatedly and screaming? I know I have to stay in control and not let my ds see me lose it but besides that, am I handling him the right way? Any suggestions?

Another thing:

Being three and a half, I'm trying to encourage him to put on his own clothes and shoes, as well as other things. I know that he can do these things (with alittle help from me) but he refuses to even try. He wants me to do everything for him. His answer to everything is "it's too hard and I can't do it" even though I know he can because he's done it in the past. The more I insist that he can do it the more he doesn't want to. I try to be encouraging and let him know that I will be there to help him if he needs me to, but he has such a self-defeatist attitude. Is this normal? How can I help him learn to do things on his own without pushing him too much and turning him off? HELP!!

I'm sooo sorry I seem to have so many questions but he's my first born and I'm new at raising a toddler. It's tough!! I really need advice from moms who've been there!

By Semperspencer on Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - 04:07 pm:

As far as the tantrums go, it really does sound like you are doing everything you can. All the advice I was going to give, you stated that you already do. Since this is just starting, I would give it time for him to realize that you will not give in, or pay attention to him, when he is having a tantrum. Btw, my ds, now 4, used to do the same thing, banging on the walls and doors when he got really mad. I'm not sure if other mothers would agree with me but what I did, was "bust" into the room (careful not to knock him over) and look REALLY REALLY mad, and very loudly tell him he will NOT bang on the walls, I would physically bring him to his bed and lay him down, and tell him he could not get up until he calmed down and apologized to mommy. Once he saw how mad and serious I was, and also saw that I would release him from his punishment once he did apologize for his behavior, these violent tantrums came to a halt.

I would say, yes this behavior is normal, but it is a phase. You sound like you are dealing with it correctly. Just be patient and stern, and always consistent, and it will be over soon. As far as him wanting something he cannot have, the reality is he is going to have to learn this eventually. You CANNOT give in. He just has to accept this on his own, but without violent temper tantrums.

Regarding his self-defeating attitude, my ds went through the same thing. I handled it like this: Instead of asking him to dress himself, I would playfully say "I wonder if this big boy knows how to put on a shirt all by himself...", I would constantly praise him when he was good saying, "you are such a big boy!" Basically make him feel how "cool" it is to be a big boy, act surprised when he does something on his own..."I can't believe you did that all by YOURSELF! You are such a big boy!!!", then brag to daddy or a friend in front of him about his accomplishment. I would suggest against making him feel like he HAS to dress himself, or you would disapprove. When he wants your help, help him. Just make a big deal over things he DOES do by himself. This, too, is a phase. You can help him get out of it more quickly though if you praise him when he does something on his own, even if its not what you want him to do on his own...lol!

By Feona on Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - 05:55 pm:

I think it is normal. We are having the same problem but with potty training. He just doesn't want to do it any more. Sigh..... He just wants to be a baby... He actualy says he is a baby even when we tell him he is a big boy.

By Mommyathome on Wednesday, May 21, 2003 - 03:31 pm:

I think all of Amy's suggestions were great I know sometimes it's so frustrating to have toddlers. I have a 4 yr old a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. Sometimes I just go to my own room for my own time out Then, when I come back out I'm more ready and prepared to conquer the next task.