Hi all. Something happened yesterday that is really bothering me and I was wondering what you ladies think. I have a very good friend that I switch babysitting with often. We are both members of a babysitting co-op. We both have 2 boys. Mine are 5 & almost 3 and hers are 4 and 1. The kids really love being around each other. I will start by saying that I feel my friend and I can be pretty open and honest with each other. Now, we do have very different parenting styles. She lets her kids get away with a lot more then I would. I am definitely a lot more strict then she is. Unfortunaltey, her oldest is becoming a handful. I think that it is mainly because of her lack of discipline. I honestly believe she sees this since she has asked for advice. She is very receptive when I talk with her, but never seems to really follow through with anything. Well, yesterday I was babysitting her boys. The 3 older boys were playing together. Out of nowhere her ds took a metal truck and hit my youngest very hard in the face. It caught him in the corner of the eye. I was shocked. I calmly (and this was really hard) went over to him and moved him away from my ds, who was bawling. I told him to sit and not get up. I then went and took care of my ds. After about 10 minutes my ds calmed down and was okay, besides the fact that he now has a black eye. I then went to her ds and told him that we do not hit in this house. He then looked me in the eye and said he didn't do anything. I SAW HIM and he knew I saw him do it. I repeated again that we do not hit in this house and that if he hits again he will not be able to come to my house and play with the boys again. I asked him if he understood and he said okay. I was really shaken up after this because of the force that he used when he hit my ds and then the total lack of remorse. If he had hit my ds fully in the eye I am not sure what would have happened. When my friend came to pick her ds's up, I told her what happened and then what I said to him. She looked at her ds and asked him why he hit my ds. Her ds just ran off and she didn't say another word about it. She didn't apoligize, say she would handle it later, or even check out my ds to see if he was okay. She just blew it off. However, she was upset with me that I told her ds he couldn't come over again if he kept hitting. I told her I was sorry, but if he didn't follow the rules of my house when he was here and he was hurting my boys then I wouldn't watch him anymore. She left upset with me. Do you think i overreacted??? I really like her as a friend, but I worry that our differnce in parenting styles will effect our friendship. What do you think?? I am also feeling a little mad at her today, since I feel like I should be the one upset, not her.

By Tklinreston on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 11:27 am:

No, I absolutely do not think you overreacted. I think you handled it brilliantly and I would have done the same thing. If your friend can not appreciate what you did and what you said to her ds, I honestly believe she is lacking in maturity and good sense. If she can be upset at you when YOUR son was the one who was hurt, I would question how good a friend she really is. I don't blame you for feeling a little mad at her reaction. I hope you feel better and I hope your little guy is doing ok.

By Colette on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 11:44 am:

No you didnt overreact. I think you handled it rather well. I hope your son is ok and you have every right to be a upset over the situation.

By Tonya on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 11:48 am:

I think if she would have been that way with me I would have blown up at her. You handled things very well. If her child is hurting yours then yours comes first. A child that age should not be behaving that way and I would have put him in a time out. The other mother handled things very badly.

By Melanie on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 11:59 am:

You most certainly did not overreact. You handled it just the way you should have. If she doesn't agree, she should not ask you to babysit for her in the future. But that would be very sad for her and her kids, IMO.

By Claire on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 12:28 pm:

Ditto what Melanie said.

By Ginnyk on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 12:32 pm:

Ditto for me.

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 01:06 pm:

I agree with the obove opinions. I think you should call and talk to her about it now that things have settled down. Any kind of hurting is inappropriate!! Right now Goose has taken to pulling Maddie's hair, not hard, just a tug, and that is being nipped in the bud. I would have freaked if someone whaled my kid with a toy!!! You handled it better than I could have!!!

By Mechelle on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 02:40 pm:

You certainly done 100% better than what I would have with the Mother acting the way that she did.

NOpe!!!!!!! YOU DID NOT overreact!
I would have flew off!!!!!

I ditto word for word what Tonya said, I couldn't have said it any better.

By Susan10 on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 02:54 pm:

I think you did the exact right thing. I don't let kids misbehave at my house either. I don't go overboard with rules, but hitting is definitely out. Now that you know how she reacts to being told about her kid's misbehavior, you can either forget about having them over, or not tell her about it in the future. I may get some disagreement on this, but I think that people get really weird about being told if their kids act up. Either they deny it, ignore it, or get made at you. If she was the type of person who was objective, then her kid probably wouldn't have a discipline problem in the first place. I agree, anymore hitting, and the kid doesn't get to come over anymore. On the other hand, if he's basically a good kid, and just needs guidance, you might look at it as helping the kid, since obviously his mother doesn't have a clue. We have a neighbor whose boy comes over a lot, and he knows there's no misbehaving at our house, and he actually likes coming over. I treat him fairly and kindly, but don't let him get out of line. (It's important to have the other side, praise him when he does well.) He actually behaves better at our house than his own. I kind of hope that in the long run maybe it will be a good thing for him to have had this influence.

By Debbie on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 03:04 pm:

Thank you all. I am feeling much better. I think I am just going to back off from babysitting them for awhile. We are going on vacation next week and then I think I am going to call and talk with her. It is a shame because I really like her. I think I am more sad then mad because I am really loosing respect for her over this whole thing.

By Babysitbarb on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 03:52 pm:

I to agree you did the right thing. I run a daycare and go through this type of thing often and if the parent isn't going to act like a parent then I step in. I get so aggrevated with parents who just let their children get away with acting this way because they don't want to deal with it. Stand your ground.

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 05:12 pm:

I definitely think you did the right thing. You seemed to handle it very calmly. I do think that this issue with discipline could affect your friendship. I lost a good friend after we both became parents just because we had different parenting ideas and we were constantly butting heads with each other over it. The friendship just dwindled out. I hope you can work it out with your friend. But, like Barb said....stand your ground. It's your house and it's your rules, simple as that.

By Kaye on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 10:36 pm:

Okay let me give you another opinion here. A couple of thoughts, first although 5 year olds do know right from wrong and they do know hitting shouldn't happen, they are impulsive. Chances are he didn't just hit your son to be mean, he was trying to say something. It looked out of nowhere, but was he trying to get your sons attention? Were they arguing over something? I would guess there was conversation that went with it. You handled him properly, removed him from the situation, explained what he did wrong. As for him denying it, developmental 5 year olds do that, they have this idea that what they want to be the truth is the truth. So again, I don't think he was being malicious in denying it, more he was wanting it to be true that it didn't happen. You handled it right, you repeated what you said without accusations, just plain and simple do not hit in my house. However as for the mom, I struggle a bit with how people deal with issues that happen in their case. You commented, not even "she will handle it later", you punished her son, he had time out. You made her aware of the offense, but why? My armchair psychology says that you wanted more of an apology from her. Well you know we try our best and our kids misbehave, we can't really keep them from occasionally doing that. As a parent what I want to know is not really what happened, but more of a casual "hey I had to put your son in time out, he hit my son, but I just wanted to let you know in case he mentions sitting out". This lets the mom know that a situation came up and you took care of it, period, end of story. It is hard when your child gets hurt, but the reality is, it happens, sometimes on purpose, sometimes on accident. What we can do as parents is try to handle each situation the best we can and move on. It sounds a little silly to me that you would let a small situation like this ruin a good friendship. I realize to you this is not a small thing, it could have been worse. But unless this child is regularly reckless and harmful to your child then I would write it off as being a little too rough and inappropriate and it happens. I too have a child that is a handful, it is my youngest, so I know that it isn't my parenting style as much as it is his personality. Now people who don't know of my older two do look back and think wow she must not be in control of him. They are so wrong, I am sorry he behaves the way he does, but I am doing the best I can with what God gave me and even if he is the terror of the block, I love him with all my heart just like he is. I may not like it, but he is the child that was given to me. The biggest issue with having different parenting styles is that you need to decide that they are just different, not wrong. Just because you would handle something one way and her another does not make your way right and her way wrong. A judgemental attitude will definetly end your friendship. You might want to step back and look at how that is going. If this is a friendship you think is worth keeping, then really look into how accepting you are of her ways, chances are she feel like you are too disciplined. Again, this is just a different perspective.

By Susan10 on Tuesday, April 22, 2003 - 11:13 pm:

Kaye, you have made some very good points. I didn't notice the little boy was 5. Also, good point about how to tell the mother afterwards. As the mother of a boy who used to bite in preschool, and the mother of a daughter who got bitten, I've been on both sides of the fence. I know what it's like to be the bitee, and think, What's wrong with that kid and his parents? But also to be the mother of the biter and think, I'm doing the best I can, he's a good but impulsive kid. Please be patient. Anyway, my boy did grow out of it and is super sweet now.

By Debbie on Wednesday, April 23, 2003 - 10:33 am:

Kaye, I can definitely see where you are coming from. Yes, I know that kids will hit and that some are more of a handful then others. My youngest is very active and can be difficult. I guess my concern is that there was nothing and I mean nothing to provoke this. He had just gotten to my house and they were all just next to each other on the floor pushing cars. I can see if they were fighting over a toy or something. This has happened before with pushing and shoving. Believe me, my kids are no angels. They have started things many times. Parenting is difficult. I also know from my personal experience that what works with one may not work with another. Her parenting syle is her concern and I don't judge her at all for it. I have done things and then looked back and said "wow, that wasn't the best thing to do" However, now it is effecting my boys because her ds is becoming more and more aggressive. Unfortunately, my friend is doing nothing to discipline him. She will see him hitting and being aggressive and do nothing. So, no it was not this one incident. There have been others and I see things getting out of control. Yes, I have a problem with this. No, it will not ruin my friendship with her. But, I don't want my kids around this and I don't want to be responsible for her children while this is going on. I think that is my right. My kids come first.

By Nlpeck on Wednesday, April 23, 2003 - 04:59 pm:

I certainly don't think you overracted. It sounds like you were just letting her know what happened, but it sounds like you didn't get the response from her that you wanted. But from the way you describe her parenting style I really don't think you expected her to act any differently then she did. Maybe you were just hoping for a different response. I was in a similar situation with my sister in law. My son and my brothers son are the same age. They have played together since they were babies. As boys they would always try to wrestle and pick at each other. I would try to let my son know that this was not okay but my sister in law thought it was cute and would never say anything to her son and so it continued. I guess the main thing I did was just to nicely but sternly say to the child that we can't behave like that, its not nice(something like that). That is all you can really do. You let their parent know what is going on and in the end it is up to them to show them right from wrong. If you criticize her child then I am sure that she feels like you are criticizing her and she is taking it personally. Thats just how it is when you are a parent. No parent wants to think that their child is being a terror. So yeah your friend may be mad but you need to do what you feel is right and what you feel comfortable with in your heart. If she is a true friend she will understand.

By Feona on Thursday, April 24, 2003 - 07:43 am:

Your child could have been killed by being hit with a metal truck to the head!


This same thing happened to my child at the park. I stopped going to that park because there were two boys that were trying to kill my son everytime I bought him.

It just so happens the two boys were very language delayed(They spoke a foreign language exclusively.)


Of course my son though they were so exciting. The parents did nothing of course.

Another thing that happened was my son was biten at school. I had to call the doctor to see if he got AIDS from the bite. The doctor said that even thought the skin was broken (he got bit through a thick shirt) it was unlikely he got AIDS or Hepatisis.) It took me two weeks to get over it. Turns out it was an isolated incident, but I would have taken him out of that school if it happened again.

By Kaye on Thursday, April 24, 2003 - 10:08 am:

Her child could have been killed by that hit. But also any day you have a chance of dying. Have you been in a wreck before? If people paid more attention to how they drove wrecks wouldn't occur, but we still get in a car every day. There are some risks worth taking! With any situation you have to weigh the benefits against the risks. If you are friends with a child that is a bit rough, your child might get hurt, but do they enjoy the play enough that it is a risk worth taking? As for biting, it happens, we too have been on both ends. Anytime your toddler is in a school/day care situation I guarantee someone has been biten there, not daily. As parents we can freak out about a lot of things, but we really need to learn to pick our battles and not teach our children fear.