I think I need to find a really good book or books on how to deal with this age. My dd is 12 and dh & I really need to deal with the moodiness (aka bitchyness), before it gets out of hand or at least know what to expect. Anyone btdt that can help? I am looking at a few on amazon but thought I'd check for reviews from moms here.

By Colette on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 08:00 am:

fyi, she just turned 12 in March and will be starting middle school in September.

By Truestori on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 09:47 am:

Well, I am almost there...LOL My daughter is 10 and gets somewhat emotional...ie Dramaqueen is her nickname! I remember my sister-in-law suggesting that preteen girls are lacking Calcium and this has alot to do with moodiness. I haven't checked into it but its worth some investigating. Goodluck

By Karen55 on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 10:08 am:

First of all, it's probably hormonal. ALL teenage/pre-teen girls are like that. That's not to say you have to endure it though. Jen can be a b**ch on wheels at times, and I refuse to play the game.

Stori, I've heard that about calcium, and another thing my GYN said is for them to take B complex vitamins when they are near their period. Also, physical activity/exercise is supposed to help, and it does. I don't know if either of your girls have reached that point yet, but trust me, the moods get worse once they do!

On the one hand, I've always felt that I should give my kids the right to vent when they are angry, upset, etc., BUT when they are acting like *Miss Angry Hormone* (thank you Claire for that expression! LOL) you don't have to put up with that. This happens with teenage boys too. Their bodies are going through so many changes in those adolescent years and it really wreaks havoc on them. One thing I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open so you will be alert to any signs of possible depression. You also need to explain to them exactly what's going on with their bodies, and that you understand, but that they need to be conscious of how their moods/actions/words affect everyone else around them.

It's not unusual for them to suddenly burst into tears for seemingly no reason at all. Ditto with anger. Many times it's going to be better for you to ignore it, tell them they can stay in their room until they're ready to *play nice*, because trying to get an explanation out of them is going to be like pulling teeth and probably make it worse. If they are constantly being disruptive or disrespectful, grounding is not out of the question either. Even though they are going through that, they have to accept the consequences of their actions, and if they insist on being ugly and making everyone around them miserable, then ground them, send them to their room, whatever you choose. Just make sure they get the message that the rest of you don't have to be on the receiving end of their mood.

Oh - and they are ALL drama queens from about age 9 or 10 to 18 or so.

I didn't read any useful books, I've just managed to live through 2 teenage girls and 2 teenage boys.

By Babysitbarb on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 10:35 am:

Are you ladies sure this isn't a story about my life right now? I have a 14 year old that went through the touchy stage at about 10-12 and my DH and I said this better mean that it's getting close to starting her monthly and she did at 12 but,this stage lasted for 2 years before. she's now 14 and has more of a B----y attitude and I try to deal with it the best I can but, sometimes my Dh and I just have to let loose and really get on to her about it. Now our 10 1/2 year old is going through the touchy stage and it's like we have started all over again. We had a major blow with both of them last night before we went to the school skating party and it was a very quiet ride all the way there. Of course to both our girls they think we are dumb and that we are the grouchy ones.

By Babysitbarb on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 10:40 am:

I forgot to mention that my 10 year old is very much a dramaqueen also.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 02:38 pm:

Um... does anyone remember being this age? We were just as B*tchy. I know I wanted nothing to do with my parents at this age...lol! My only suggestion is to give her her privacy, within reason, and make sure you are there for her to talk to. The important part of the "being there to talk" is that you are not judgemental. My parents had a rule when I was a teen that if I was in trouble, and came to them for help, I wouldn't get in trouble with them . This was mainly for situations where I was out, and needed a ride or something because my driver was drunk, high, or trying to hurt me. But my mom was also one of those people who was like "If you need something, birth control, you're depressed, you have a question, just ask and I'll help you" And I also found it easiest to talk to her when I was in the car with her. I guess it's because you aren't looking eye to eye, so it doesn't feel as confrontational. That's when she asked me if I needed birth control (I was 16), in the car... LOL! I'm going to ask my mom what this one book she had was, but I think it was called "I Hate you, leave me alone... (can you give me a ride to the mall)" or something to that effect. It was a humorous book about teen girls and their mood swings. Good luck, it'll be over soon, and one day she'll have kids of her own. ;)

By Semperspencer on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 03:11 pm:

I think Crystal gave some really good advice above. I know I had this b**chy attitude during this time. The best advice is to let her have her space, but let her know you are always there to talk to. Keep a close eye on her though, this is the age where teens start to "get into trouble" if they are not closely monitered. This probably sounds like a catch 22, but I would say just try to back off for a while but keep your eyes open always. It is a very tough time for a parent, but this phase like all phases shall pass with time. Good Luck!

By Colette on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 03:28 pm:

She has plenty of privacy, she has the biggest bedroom in the house to herself w/a lock on the door. Right now the most irritating thing she does is stomp off if she doesnt get the response she is looking for. An example, last night she had made some roses out of floral wire and hershey kisses for her teachers, she asked dh and I which we thought her teachers and friends would prefer, a handmade card or a card made on the computer. I said I thought a handmade card would mean more to her teachers than one off the computer, she said she hasnt practiced her caligraphy lately and kind of indicated that she would rather do it on the computer (but never came out and said it - and if she had just said she wanted to use the computer then that would have been fine too), dh then said that she was really good at her caligraphy and wouldnt it be better to practice at it rather than to just print a card on the computer. Well that completely set her off, she didnt even let him finish his sentence, she turned on heel and stomped off, he tried to get her to come back to explain what he meant but she just stormed off to her bedroom. Now, she is mad and dh is mad as well because she just walked out of the room when he was in the middle of talking to her. She is now grounded and its April vacation next week. I know there has to be a better way of dealing with her moods but I dont know what we should do. When dh told her she was grounded she was just as stonefaced as could be and just kept saying ok, ok, ok, as in F@!#$ you, get out of my room. Isnt this the stupidest thing to get grounded for? I am at my wits end, and now I have a dh who is recovering from his 4 wisdom teeth and a biopsy and is in quite a bit of pain and my little primadonna, and I have a houseful on Sunday for Easter.

By Susan10 on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 03:44 pm:

Collete, funny you should bring this up, because this is EXACTLY why I started looking for a mom's message board a few months ago. My daughter and I (she's 13) were going through major head-butting. I don't know your specifics, but our problem was that my daughter wanted me to leave her alone. I make the kids grades a big priority, and I was driving my daughter crazy. In other words, it was largely my fault. I wanted to help her, because I knew she was sliding in math, but the more I wanted to help, the madder she'd get, and the more she'd hide stuff from me (and get sassy). There was also the messy room, the always being late for stuff, the not brushing her teeth (yuck), the blank stares when I'd ask her a question (or worse), etc. I, too, looked for books. One that looked good was "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind". I didn't buy it though, it just sounded good on Amazon. Anyway, we're doing much better now, because I backed way off. I decided that if I wanted to be able to keep on her about the grades, I had to back off of everything else. Forget about the room, the clothes, and even the teeth. I talked to my sisters a lot about this, and they both said to back off. Pick you battles. My one sister said to keep the battles down to school, sex, drugs and alcohol. It's very hard, but I'm doing it. Now it's been a couple months, her room is a mess, she dresses like a bum, but I don't say anything. This way, I feel I can say to her, "Did you call Katie about Spanish?" and when she complains I can say, "Too bad. Your room is a mess, but I get to ask you about school." Things have been much better, but I have to say, I've changed as much as she has. Also, I do a lot for her and her friends, so I've been able to say, "Hey, you could do worse as far as moms go. I bug you about school. So what. I get to do that, and then I take you and your friends to the movies."

Ooops. I just noticed you posted again while I was writing this. This is just my opinion, but I'd say not to ground her. Save that for something big. (Obviously you'd have to get your husband to agree, so you don't look like you're not united.) My daughter has a friend who is always grounded, and I don't think it's helpful. She was definitely out of line, stomping off, but she was just being moody. I'd say cut her some slack for that. Point out that in your house people don't cut other people off and do rude things. You don't do that to them, they don't do it to you. Then, that's the end of the subject. Don't beat it to death. Give her a hug and say you understand she was in a bad mood, and move on.

By Susan10 on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 04:02 pm:

One more thing. (Sorry but you've touched on a subject I've been thinking about a lot.) Besides the school, sex, drugs, and alcohol, I say No Rudeness. But this means the whole family. No name calling, no sassing, no dis-respecting, etc. I have a friend whose son says the rudest things to her ("You're the worst mom," etc.) that I would never let my kids say. But you have to have the leverage of being a good example. You have to not say rude things to your kids, either. ("You're lazy, you're a slob, etc.") I don't even say "Shut up." Nobody says it. Anyway, they still do that blank stare thing, which they can do. They're human, the get mad and frustrated and have no power. Don't do long lectures or severe punishment, just nip it in the bud, say, "Don't say that," and let it go.

By Colette on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 04:07 pm:

Thanks Susan, I was also looking at that book online. I am not worried about sex, drugs or alcohol. She's a pretty good kid, just this condesending rude thing. I think the grounding was a little over the top but chalking it up to another mood swing isnt working either.

By Susan10 on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 04:20 pm:

Let me know if you get that book. I know what you mean about not being worried about sex, drugs or alcohol. My daughter's not leaning that way either. About the rudeness, what if you just say, "You don't get to stomp off in the middle of us talking to you. That's over. The last time you did that was the LAST time you get to do that. It's rude and unexceptable." A little guilt sometimes works. (Just a little.)

By Colette on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 04:25 pm:

That's a good idea Susan, dh and I never insult the kids by saying shut up or anything like that. Maybe when dh is feeling better, we can adjust the punishment to just being grounded this weekend and then say the rude and unacceptable comment.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 05:06 pm:

Collette~ again I speak from my teen years. I agree you should not have grounded her. I got grounded over the stupidest things, and it got to the point where I was grounded for months at a time so what did it matter if i broke my grounding... they would just extend it some more. And about that stomping thing, my parents would tell you I stomped all the time!!! They would actually make fun of me for it. I'd do this thing where I stomp my foot and put my hand on my hip, along with a dramatic sigh. They would always imitate it. Sure it would p*ss me off, but it also made me realize how silly I was being. I guess since she was disrespectful, your idea of adjusting the grounding to this weekend sounds fair. Oh, and for the record, I was a lot like Susan's teen. My mom was always yelling at me to clean my room, stop missing the bus to school, take a shower, etc. It's a phase I think we all go through. HTH, and good luck!!! When I talk to my mom I'll let you know the name of that book.