Keeping him in timeout
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Keeping him in timeout
...for some reason Connor has decided that he won't stay in timeout. After about the 100th time of putting him back, it seems to be more of a game and I'm losing my patience. Arrrggghhhh...
Since he's started school again yesterday (he goes 8:30-11:30am), he's been misbehaving. I give him 2 choices and his answer is "no" for everything. I'm so tired of hearing the word "no"!!! 
Time Outs worked great with my DS when he was little but not with DD. She simply wouldn't stay in Time Out and forcing her to stay only escalated the situation. Taking privileges away is much more effective.
Ditto, Trina. Time outs haven't been effective with Lara. And to be honest, I spent a few years working with preschoolers when I was younger, and I think I'm burned out on the whole time out thing. Yet, taking away privileges has it's disadvantages, too. I always feel like I'm holding things over her head. I feel your frustration.
How does he like his new school, Heidi?
We actually still do time-out, but it's brief and not often. She's never been one to come out though, fortunately. She used to try to turn around and continue by 'arguing' her point, but she's learned that the more noise she makes and the more she disobeys the time-out rules (face in the corner, no screaming or yelling) the longer she is there.
Good luck - I know it's difficult sometimes with these phases! Yes, how is he doing in school?
I never really liked doing time outs, although I agree that it can be a very useful tool with regard to discipline.
Can you explain his behaviors? Maybe the punishment doesn't fit the crime, maybe he has a different currency that you haven't tapped into.
Consequences work best when they are immediate and time outs are quick and easy when they work, but frustrating when they don't.
If you can explain his behavior maybe we can help you come up with some other strategies to help you manage his behavior in a different way?
Alternatively you can just keep placing him back in time out every time he leaves, I always found this frustrating and tiring. I didn't like getting into a physical power struggle with my son.
Also, I'm sure you know transition is always a difficult time, with your son just starting school he's probably feeling a bit off kilter and tired, things will probably improve in a few weeks once he's re-adjusted to be back in school.
Thanks, ladies. He loves his school, which makes me feel so good! Just yesterday, he took me into the school and showed me how he can scoop the lima beans into this small container and he counted them when he took them out. It was so precious.
The reason he was in timeout was because we were at the park for over an hour and it was time to go home. I asked him, "Do you want to go home now or in 5 minutes?" He yelled, "NO!" So, I got down on his level and asked again. He turned his back towards me. I just don't tolerate rudeness like that. He's the type of kid where you ask him to stop doing something or to let go of something and he'll do it more or hold it longer.
He has so many toys in timeout, it's sad. I am not sure what type of priviledges I'm willing to take away because it would drive me nuts if we weren't able to go swimming or do fun things outside of the apartment.
Maybe I could take away book reading time, or tell him we'll read less books. Sometimes his comprehension is so low, I don't think he really understands me. It seems he is a year behind on comprehension and maturity. He also seems to be one of those "high spirited" children. (I had ordered that book that someone recommended but it was never sent to me in MD.)
I don't want to be in a power struggle and we've always been firm, immediate, and mostly unemotional while he's in timeout but he just seems to want to do the opposite of what we tell him. It's tiring being consistent...
So did you do the timeout at the park then? I also don't tolerate that kind of rudeness either. Anything disrespectful like that and we tyr to nip in the bud right away, even at 3!!
As far as the choice for leaving the park (now or in 5 minutes), do you think he comprehends '5 minutes"? Natalie wouldn't. When we're at the park or out like that, I use a specific thing we've been doing as my 'timer'. For example, "let's go down the slide 2 more times and then it's time to go". Then I know I'm giving her a specific activity, that she can understand and really 'time' herself on when she's counting those 2 slides. She seems to respond to that I think because she really understands that after 2 slides is when it's time to go. We've never had a park leaving a place like that, but she's never been one to do a fit in a public place anyway. Somehow we lucked out on that one!LOL
When we take privileges away from Natalie, it's one major toy and it's for the rest of the day. Honestly, others have mentioned that the privileges being taken away works well for their kids, but for us I think the time-outs work better. She's upset by the toy that goes in the clsoet, but she has SOOOOOO many others that she just finds something else to play with. For us, doing the time-out EVERY SINGLE TIME works. We had a 'fit' spell a couple of months ago and we did our time-outs then for about a week and the fits came to be a rarity after that.
Having said that, she just had a time-out for throwing a screaming fit over nothing. Opposite for us, Natalie is very mature for her age and so I really don't tolerate those fits because we expect more from her. She knows she'll have a time-out and that's that, whether she's at grandparents or here.
There were times when I taught when I consistently tried to replace the kid in timeout when he left, but in agreement with another post, it's tiring and turns into a real power struggle that really ends up getting nothing accomplished. Another alternative would be to just reward for NOT having those fits when you leave the park, the mall, whatever. Being a big boy when it's time to leave means you get praise, high five, sticker, BIG hug and kiss, treat, something like that.
I've found that Natalie loves power struggles just like me, so often the positive reinforcement works much better with her than consequences all the time.
So tiring being consistent, BTDT!!!! Before you know it, it will be something else to think about.
I had the Spirited Child book as I thought I had a spirited child, so many people recommended this book to me. Once I got the book I realized that I did not have a spirited child. The book has scales and he only scored moderate to low in most areas. I passed it on to a mom who I felt had a spirited child. I would go to the library or book store to review the book first before buying it.
I've read so many parenting books and I could not find one that addressed specific behaviors for my child's age. I have two small children and a husband that works a lot so I don't have a lot time for reading. Everyone kept suggesting different books and I could never get through them. It was so frustrating trying to filter through pages and pages of stuff that just didn't apply to my kid. Most books I found to vague or for older children.
So I did some research online and I found THE BOOK that work for us. So I'm going recommend it to you, yes another parenting book but it's age specific and has strategies for helping you connect better with your child and how to use positive reinforcements for modifying behavior. It also targets specific behaviors with examples and suggestions on how to help change the behavior or how to respond. As parents we don't always have all the answers and are learning along with our children. It's nice to have a reference to turn to. At the end of each chapter they have a section called "Frequenty Asked Questions" where parents ask specific questions and they provide suggestions on how to handle the situation. They even have a chapter called "Let's Take a Break! When and How to Use Time-out"
The book is called:
Common Sense Parenting of Toddlers and Preschoolers
by Bridget A. Barnes & Steven M. York, M.H.D.
A Girls and Boys Town Program
If you are interested here is the ISBN number:
1-889322-41-5
The inside cover of the book provides a hotline number, it says:
"Parents can call the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline with any problem at any time.
1-800-448-3000"
I have never called and I'm not sure what the hotline is about but you may be able to either get some help with your problem or find out more about the book.
Once I started reading this book, I noticed immediate changes in my behavior and how I approached discipline which had a huge impact on my kids. I can't say enough about this book.
So back to the behavior you mentioned. Why do you give him a choice about leaving? I'm just curious I usually count down for my boys like this.
"Okay, boys we are going home in 15 mins." They usually say "Okay".
Me: "Boys we are going home in 10 mins."
Them: "Okay"
Me: "Okay guys, five minutes and it's time to leave".
Them: "Okay"
I usually don't have a problem with leaving, if I do I will ask:
"Did you like coming to the park today?"
Child: "Yes"
Me: "Do you want to come back again?"
Child "Yes"
Me: "Then you have to listen to Mommy when she says it's time to leave if you want to come back again. Okay"
Child: "Okay Mommy".
or
Set it up before you go to the park.
You: Okay kiddo we are going to the park to play for awhile.
Child "Yay!"
You: "Buddy listen, when Mommy says it's time to go, it's time to go. Okay?"
Child "Okay Mommy"
Leaving the park and he is resisting, remind him about your conversation before coming to the park and try some of the strategies I mentioned above, "Do you like coming to the park etc."
Sorry this is so long, I'm certainly no expert but I have just BTDT, KWIM?
Heidi,
You have some great advice above. Nothing for me to add. Hang in there.
BTW, any new pics of Connor? I've always thought he is the most adorable kid. Such big eyes and animated expressions!
Thanks again you guys...you make me think of new things to try with him and I can't thank you enough.
Deanna- I did put him in timeout at the park and he kept getting up. After the 10th time, I just picked him up like a sack of potatoes and threw him over my back and left. (Noting cruel eyes staring at me from other parents, but I could honestly care less.) I continued the timeout at home as the park is only a minute away. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I felt he needed to serve his time. As far as him comprehending 5 minutes...he does understand it and he understands that the end is near. Thanks for the ideas on rewards when he is good. I don't do that enough and I know he responds well to the pitch in my voice when he feels "approved" and proud of what he's done. Oh, also if I say "4 more times", he tries to negotiate (don't know why, I've never given in) and say "No, 5 times!" (I find this even more annoying than the "no!") Maybe it was his time with grandma who caves in to his every whim?? Not sure...certainly not going to blame it on her by any means, but he definitely tries to negotiate more after being with her. (I used to hate this when my 9th graders tried it, so I had them do skits at the beginning of the year to show the "right" way to behave vs. the "wrong" way and I always included the scenario where there was a wannabe negotiator...annoying. What I say goes...period.)
Chai- I give him a choice so he feels like he has some sort of power in the situation. It's the "Love and Logic" method but I think he's just smarter than that system now. I've tried warnings in the past and he still has a meltdown when it's finally time to go. I just honestly think he's an emotional kid, but I could try the way you described again. I will look up that book too. I sounds very interesting!
I also just got some arts and craft type things so we can spend some down time together at home. He used to hate that stuff and wouldn't sit for longer than one minute. But, now he can paint and use stickers, etc.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of the time of day, how long we've been somewhere, and what the correct method of punishment is in order to fit the crime...9th/10th graders seemed SOOOO much more easy than this...aaaauuughhh...
PS- SOrry, Annie! I did post his 3 yr old pics on the photo board...are they still there? I'm also in the process of getting someone to post one of him on the first day of school.
He's good 99% of the time and his teacher says he has the best manners out of all of her students. *PROUD*
That's really nice that he knows how to behave at school, even though he gives you a hard time. My kids always behaved well at school, despite how much they could argue at home!
Heidi, hugs. I think that this is just the "I'm testing my boundaries for all I'm worth" stage. Just keep to a consistent routine and discipline method and he'll come around. He's just enjoying pushing your buttons right now. Perhaps he is careful in school, but can relax and "let his guard down" around you.
Just be gald you don't have one doing it and another copying it (like I do, now). Not fun ...
but - this too, shall pass!
Ame
|
Members
