Hi everyone. I'm new to this site. I've been reading past postings and it's absolutely fab here. What great suggestions everyone has. I just had a baby boy on Valentine's day. He's about 7 weeks old now. He seems healthy in all respects, sleeps pretty well and eats well for the most part (gaining weight nicely) but he never wants to be put down. Each and every time I put him down so that I could attend to something else, in less than a minute, he starts to cry. His cries escalates up to a feverish pitch/screaming really quickly. I try to let him cry a few minutes (5 at the most) but it doesn't subside. Of course, the minute I pick him he stops. My dr suggests one thing, the nurse another and literature I've read on "crying" suggests even another remedy. So I'd like to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience and how they handled it. Please keep in mind that my son NEVER wants to be put down even when he's been fed, changed and very alert. We've tried bouncy chair, elevated him, swaddle him etc. The swing and blow dryer trick works for a few minute (5 tops) and then he starts crying again. I have a three and 1/2 year old son who needs my attention as well and I can't hold my little one all day long. Our nurse advises that we should let him cry it out (as long as 45 minutes) with intermediate soothings via voice only so that he can learn to soothe himself. Most literature I've read says we should always respond to a newborn's crying and that it can't spoil him. It seems to me that my little one has already been conditioned to be picked up. Should I try letting him cry it out once in awhile as the nurse suggested? or just carry him around in an infant carrier whenever he's awake? Any suggestions???

By Melanie on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 10:34 am:

While my middle son wasn't as extreme as what you are describing, he was also a cling-on baby. I chose to use a carrier to keep him on me most of the time. I also had an almost two year old at the time, so I know what you mean about having another to tend to. There were times when he had to cry. I would calmly stroke him and say I would pick him up as soon as I could. And then I would do what I needed to. But I did find the carrier to be the best thing to do. When he got a bit older I found a great carrier where the baby sits on your hip from Natural Baby. I wore that carrier everywhere!!

The bottom line is you have to do what works for you. If you find you simply can't wear him all the time and can tolerate letting him cry, then do it. If you want to take the attitude that he is only little once and you want to cherish the time by wearing him whenever you can, do it. Find what works best for you. Different methods work for different people, which is why you are finding such a range of advice. Good luck.

Oh, and welcome to Momsview!!

By Tonya on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 10:44 am:

OH man you need to try and break this habit quickly. I know people think crying it out is bad but I would say try that first but not for 45 minutes right away go for more like 10-15 then longer if need be. It is spoiling in a sence not bad but not good for you. He is use to you picking him up the minute he drys and that is where he wants to be so if that is all it takes is some noise he figures why not.

I would put Timmy in a swing or vibrating seat or just leave him in his crib. If he is fed, clean and not hurting it will not hurt him to cry a little.

Good luck.

By Angellew on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 11:02 am:

The vibrating chair saved my life!!! It was THE best thing I got! My DD loved it and it kept her happy! When that didn't work, which was not often, I just swaddled her nice and tight, just like in the hospital, and she would drift off to sleep!

By Kaye on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 11:05 am:

I say hold him! He is not doing this to maniputlate you, but he was held by you 24/7 for 9 months. He wants you to be his comfort, his warmth and through that he is bonding and developing trusting relationships. Look into a sling or a carrier and this will help. There are two big schools of thought on child rearing, Dr. Sears, attachment parenting which is much more holding/rocking/etc. Look him up and you will find some great resources on why he feels this way. The other is a Dr Spock/ Dr Dobson. Dr Ezzo, there approaches are to let them cry it our and to teach them early on what your rules are etc. Really both ways are fine, but you need to decide how you feel. You will always get several opinions on what you are doing right and wrong, it helps to know why. I am an attachment parent, those philosopies just spoke to me. I liken it very much to my relationship with God, He has held me anytime I asked and why wouldn't I do that to my child? But that is because it works for me. I have three children, my last one needed me 24/7, it was consuming, but in the end it has been worth it. He is borderline autistic (not diagnosed), and our doctors have said that the best thing I have done for him is all of that contact, I spoke to him and sang to him and made him participate in all that we did. Had I put him in the swing and let him lay in his crib, on the floor etc we much likely would be seeing quite a different child. I am thankful that I felt led to parent this way.

By Truestori on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 11:08 am:

Hi & Welcome to Momsview!

My son was very similar...AGHHH...It is so hard when they are little. I think Melanie gave some great advice above! I would utilize the swing like you do and talk to the baby if I couldn't pick him up right away. I think letting a baby scream for 45 minutes is absurd..but that is just my humble opinion. He has only been here a few weeks, everything is so brand new!
(can you tell I am a softy...lol)
I would try keeping him where he can visibly see and hear your voice, at the times when you can't tend to him right away. Goodluck and Congratulations!

By Mechelle on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 11:44 am:

I would let him cry it out. For one, you dont have time to sit and hold him all day.....And plus I know the crying issue tends to get on your nerves.

My Ds was spoiled as ever by the time he was 2 weeks old. I was a "First time Mom" then, I would come running to his every cry. Well, lol......he got spoiled.

He was alot like you are describing your son.
I had to (It killed me to do it) I would let him lay in his bed and (cry & scream) til he knew "Mom wasn't coming" he was fed, changed, burped, nothing wrong but spoiled rotten. Dh had to restrain me lol.....from going to get him, but it took a week, of his cries, til he finally figured out I wasn't going to run to every cry and hold him all the time.
I have heard to NEVER let a baby cry over 20 min.
Especially the screaming. It gets thier little heart rates up, and can seriously make them have a heart attack at such a young age. I would let my day care babies cry (with Parents knowing.... (when I knew nothing was wrong ) up to 15 min(if they didn't stop....then, go get them, calm them down, lay them down again go through the entire thing again...... Its rough! lol

But you need to figure out, what works for you.
Try putting him in his car seat next to you when you are doing dishes etc. that way he can always see you..........Good luck!!

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 12:25 pm:

Hello and welcome!

I know it is hard to let your little one cry but keep in mind that you've got a second child to care for.

The best advice my mom gave me after Timmy was born was that it was okay to let him cry. After 2 days of no shower and no break, I called her on the phone just near hysteria. She told me to just lay Timmy down in his crib and go take a shower. I found out the for 10 minutes I could take a shower and with the water running I couldn't hear him cry.

Good luck!

By Trina on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 12:30 pm:

I also agree with Melanie. Listen to YOUR mommy instincts and do what YOU think is best. That said, I'll share my experiences. Both my kids, especially DD, needed to be held a lot as infants. I used a sling and a BabyBjorn carrier often. I personally feel a newborn is much too young to let cry out. Even Dr. Ferber doesn't recommend crying it out until a baby is at least 6 mos. old. (A whole different topic in itself, but I won't go there.) This is the part no one tells you about! Hang in there and let the housework slip a little. Believe me, WE ALL DID! You have to when you have a newborn. {{{HUGS}}}

By Sunny on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 01:11 pm:

Hi and welcome to Momsview!

There are a lot of differing opinions on how to handle crying, but, no matter how you handle it, I want to emphasize that a baby younger than 6 months (and maybe less than a year)CANNOT BE SPOILED. That would require conscious thought processes that babies don't have yet. It is one of my pet peeves and I wish everyone (Medical professionals and well-meaning advice givers) would understand. As Kaye said, when you respond to his cries, he's learning trust and security. His only way of communicating with you is by crying and when you pick him up, he learns that his needs will be taken care of.

I wish I had a sure-fire method, but each baby is different and there is no method that will work for all babies or all parents. I had success using a front-carrier. I used to "wear" them in a Snugli, sometimes around the house and always when I was shopping or going for a walk. I hope you find something that works for you.

By Pamt on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 01:36 pm:

This will be brief b/c I am heading out of the door. I am normally a "cry-it-out" advocate, but even I think 7 weeks is way to young to let a baby cry for an length of time. I wouldn't even consider letting a child cry it out until about 5-6 months of age. Newborns can't be spoiled. I am a speech pathologist and work with pediatric patients and want to suggest something else to you...you might want to have him evaluated by an occupational therapist. They work with babies from birth and it sounds like he could have some sensory needs with the wanting to be held all of the time and not being comforted by anything else. At any rate, I think an OT eval is worth looking into and they can more thoroughly evaluate touch and sensory systems. I never had super clingy babies, but if I had I think I would have bought a sling and "worn" my baby everywhere. good luck and welcome!

By Susan10 on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 03:32 pm:

I say carry him around. He's only 7 weeks old. Hang in there. It will get better.

By Tklinreston on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 03:34 pm:

Thanks for all of your wonderful suggestions and advice. Many of you emphasized that every situation is different and there is no one solution. Although I know this deep inside, it helps tremendously to hear about each one of your experiences. All of you have made great points, especially regarding my dd being too young to let him "cry it out". I tend to agree with this as well and only feel more assured after reading your responses that I am doing the right thing by tending to his cries right away. I get criticized constantly by elderly "korean" ladies, including my grandmom, because old school philosophy in korea is not to hold the baby too much because they will be spoiled. (Our generation does not agree with this, however.) I'll just have to shut my ear to their criticisms and do what I feel is best for my son.

Out of curiosity, for those who had a similar problem, approximately when did the clinginess subside - at least partially??

Again, my sincerest thanks to everyone who responded thus far!!!

By Kaye on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 07:42 pm:

The clinginess for my kids stopped at around 5-6 months when they were starting to get mobile, rollling, crawling etc. My baby is 5 now and I am so thankful to be able to look back at their babyhood and remember how much we enjoyed it. My house looked like a tornado went through it, but I really spent all my time playing with my children. My oldest even talks about how much funny we had when we had our babies. To me that is really what it is all about.

By Tklinreston on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 07:55 pm:

You're absolutely right, Kaye. Children are the sweetest gift bestowed upon us by God and we must cherish them fully.

By Susan10 on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 10:05 pm:

TK, it's tough when your mother/mother-in-law/sister/neighbor/husband/etc are telling you one thing, and it just doesn't feel right or make sense to you. Wait till you get to the potty-training! Mothers-in-law especially love to tell you how all their kids were potty trained at 18 mos. I always say, if you polled all the kids enrolled at Harvard, and found out when they were potty-trained (or slept through the night, or walked, etc) the ages they acheived these milestones would be all over the map. In other words, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It may take your son a few months, or even a year to stop wanting to be carried around all the time. With both my kids I did a lot of carrying them in a sling. Slowly but surely they want less and less. Now my daughter is 13, and it's hard to believe she was the kid who couldn't be away from me. Eventually he'll go to kindergarten, and you won't be able to tell who wanted to be carried and who didn't.

Another thing, now that my kids are older, I realize that the whole period you're going through, there are a lot of different "right" ways of doing it. I think of it as crossing a river, where you're jumping from rock to rock, and you choose a direction, you slip on a wet rock, you fall in, you swim a little, you get on another rock, you scrape your knee, but eventually you get to the other side. Then you're standing on the other side, and someone asks, "How did you get there?" And if you're honest you say, "Well, this is one way, it's not perfect, but I got here. Maybe you should try this rock instead of that rock, but it might be even more slippery. You sort of have to pick a path that looks good to you. Good luck. You'll make it."

By Susan10 on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 10:07 pm:

One more addition to my rock analogy: don't follow the path of the people who seem to be floundering in the water, and never getting to the other side!

By Babysitbarb on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 09:43 am:

I agree with Susan. I have 2 children and they were like night and day different. My oldest one was content and didn't need held all the time, I did hold her alot because she was the only one I had.She is shy and a calm person (except with her sister.) My second was the opposite. She wanted held all the time and was still fussy even when she was held sometimes.She was a projectile baby and threw up all the time. She now has lots of Allergies and a friendly and out going kid.

By Karen55 on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 09:49 am:

I would hold him. :-) In the grand scheme of things, the time for that is short and precious.

By Tklinreston on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 10:04 am:

Hi Susan! What a fanastic analogy you gave. Noone has ever put it to me that way. Being a fairly new mom (my oldest being 3) and facing new challenges, I am wrought with worry that I am not doing things just "perfectly". Although I know there is no "perfect" way, sometimes I can't help but worry.... I will take to heart what you said and remember those words every time I'm faced with a new decision.

Hey Barb. It seems we have alot in common in that I have two kids and they are very different as infants as well. The unusual thing is my oldest had severe reflux - exteme case of projectile vomiting - until he was one year old; but he wasn't as fussy/clingy as this little one. He's an incredibly healthy and ACTIVE little boy now. He's been so great about his little brother and even with all of the crying and not receiving as much attention as before, he has not shown any animosity towards him at all. Instead he showers him with hugs and kisses and tells me to hurry up and feed him because he's hungry and sad. It makes ME want to cry!

Thanks again everyone for your encouragement and help!

By Tunnia on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 10:52 am:

There is nothing wrong with holding your baby at this age if that's what makes him comfortable. Wearing him would probably be helpful because it frees up your hands so for that I'd say get a sling. If you must put him in his swing or crib then try putting one of your nightgowns or shirts next to him so he has the smell of you with him. That may give you a few minutes to brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, shower, or just take a breather (you know, all the things we mommys can never manage to find the time for regularly) Good luck, trust your instincts and enjoy your ds.

By Jackie on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 12:14 pm:

I think holding a newborn baby is a gift and nothing wrong with him wanting to be held.I know it can be hard having other children in the house and having other things that need to be taken care of. After having my 2nd miscarriage in January, I would give anything to be able to hold my newborn all the time.

By Mommyathome on Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 10:43 pm:

Lots of different opinions here! I'm a softy myself. I absolutely cherish holding a newborn. They are only so little for a few months and then its over. Then you have to chase them around and hold them down to cuddle! hehe My youngest is just over a year now and I am already getting hungry for that little baby to cuddle.

I would say hold him as much as you can. I don't believe that tiny babies can be spoiled. I would say wait for your baby to get a little older before the cry-it-out test. 7 weeks is still really tiny. He is probably just missing the warmth that he had for 9 months and really wants to feel that "safety" again. They grow up so fast!

By Tklinreston on Friday, April 4, 2003 - 03:46 pm:

Hi Robin. I agree. I really do hope it's just the warmth and closeness that he craves and nothing health-related, though. I've never known anyone who has had a similar experience where their baby would cry almost instantly the minute they are laid down each and every time. It concerned me that it was so extreme and I can't help wonder if perhaps it is health-related. I was hoping to hear from someone who has experienced a case as extreme as mine and to learn that their baby was just fine. His drs assure me he is healthy, however, and he is certainly gaining weight. He does do a lot of "stretching" where he twists his head side to side and backwards, some grunting and makes funny faces. He doesn't bring his legs up to his chest but tends to kick them outward. After a few seconds of this, he is calm. The second there is any stimulus whether by our touch, a noise etc., he does it again. It's very frequent. My mom says he is just stretching but I don't recall my older doing this as frequently. Well... thanks for your comments. You're absolutely right in that they grow up too fast. I'll make sure this time will be cherished!