Tattling Question
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Just curious what you do and how you feel about tattling. I just spent 4 days with a friend who has 4 children. They are 7, 4, 3 & 2. All of them except the 2 year old are MAJOR tattlers and it drove me bonkers! My 3 year old started mimicking this behavior while we were there and I kept telling him not to worry about what others were doing, that he should only worry about what he was doing. I didn't want to say that tattling wasn't nice because I didn't want to offend my friend.
She has read books on sibling rivalry and feels that children need to work out problems amongst themselves, however there were too many times that she did get involved which I believe made the tattling worse. I know it's easy to judge other people and I'm sure there were things that we did as a family that bugged her. The reason I'm posting about this is that I want to avoid tattling in my own family and I'm looking for strategies to curb this habit. I find sometimes my 3 year old will tell me that my 2 year old is in to something and I go and correct the 2 year old which I'm thankful that he told me but I'm afraid I'm setting up a situation for tattling.
So how do you handle this issue in your own families?
Oh, I HATE tattling!! When my kids would tattle, I would say, "I'm sorry, I don't listen to tattling," and ignore them. They knew the definition of tattling very clearly: If someone or something was being hurt, or about to get hurt, they could tell me. If they were just telling to get the other in trouble, that was tattling. I didn't have too much trouble with it when they realized I wasn't getting involved.
This issue totally perplexes me. If you teach your child the right way to behave, and they see their sibling doing what they know is the wrong thing, WHY do we get upset when they tell us?? Is our child supposed to watch her sibling do the wrong thing? Isn't it good that she realizes it's wrong? The child is only trying to help and is no doubt genuinely concerned that Mom's rules have been broken. On the other hand, yes, it drives me crazy, BUT that's also because then I have to deal with naughty behavior...had one child not tattled on the other, I wouldn't be forced to deal with it...but WHY would I want my child to continue the naughty behavior just so I didn't have to deal with it?
So as you can see, the issue totally confuses me!!! But I think it's very hard to tell your tattling child to NOT report bad behavior!! And let's just say it's jumping on the couch...okay, the couch or the child could get hurt, but it's not THAT big of a deal, but it's against Mom's rules....WHAT is the child supposed to do?? WHY shouldn't she 'report' that? Why is it that SHE knows the right thing but gets in trouble for alerting Mom to it all? Yet, I see the point that SHE should just make the right choices for HERSELF, and let her sibling make her own choices, right or wrong. I really just don't know the right answer here....I think it's wrong to get upset with a child who is merely smart and moral enough to realize someone is doing something wrong, and if it's such a big deal that there is a RULE against it, well, why WOULDN'T Mom want to know??
Kate, I see your point and that is somewhat where I am at as well, HOWEVER, this was constant, all day everyday tattling and they were doing it just for attention, it was maddening! When I saw my child modeling this behavior I was concerned that I was going to have two children who constantly told on each other as well.
I think that there should be a much healthier way of dealing with this issue; I'm hoping to get some insight as to what other people do. I don't want to spend my days being a referee to two naughty kids.
I think I will set some ground rules about this whole tattling thing I just haven't figured out what they will be yet.
Keep those ideas coming!
Thanks.
Tattling is different than informing. Tattling has a tone of voice and an intention to get somebody else in trouble. "Informing" maybe isn't the right word either, but has a different intention and tone. The child has already tried to correct the other child and the situation has gotten' out of hand.
I know that isn't worded the best, but I hope you can get the drift. I don't stand for tattling, but my children all know the consequences of their behavior. They also KNOW, that I KNOW EVERYTHING that happens in my house. They also think I will know everything that happens with them outside of the house eventually. As a mom we know.
First, while I understand Kate's point, we all know that children will "tattle", "tell", "report" about other children, especially siblings, simply for the joy of seeing the other child in trouble.
My rule was "unless he is doing something dangerous, or something major (like stealing, breaking something deliberately, etc.), or is interfering with you doing what you want to do with your toys/possessions, I don't want to hear it. When one of my sons came to me with a complaint that another son was doing thus-and-so - if it wasn't dangerous or a violation of a major moral rule - my first question was, "why are you telling me this?" And then, "what have you done wrong lately that your brother might tell me about?"
On the whole, we had very little tattling, although I was told of major rule violations or potentially dangerous behavior, or when one son's behavior was interfering with the other child (like playing the radio too loud or playing the same song over and over and over and over and over just to annoy the other child).
I do think that if a child does something really wrong, mom usually knows or finds out pretty quickly, and that's the way it should be. I think children should tell mom if another child is doing something potentially dangerous, or if one child is frequently teasing/harassing another. I also think by and large you have to play it by ear, Chai.
I think as a mom you know when a child is reporting something important, and when a child is just trying to get another child into trouble. There is a big difference between Johnny is drawing on the wall with magic markers, or Johnny is coloring in my coloring book, and Johnny is coloring on the newspaper instead of in his coloring book. The first you need to know immediately so you can stop it and try to undo the damage as quickly as possible. The second you deal with because Johnny should respect his sib's possessions. The third you will find out when you read the paper, and it really isn't all that important except to say "who did it" and "I really don't want you coloring on the newspaper, and that's why I give you coloring books and drawing paper. Please don't mess up my newspaper - I don't like it."
It comes down to playing it by ear and helping your child to learn what you think is appropriate reporting and what is simply spiteful tattling. (And, I do think most tattling is just spite.)
(I have to say, when I first read the title, I couldn't understand why "tatting" was a problem. It's been a long day, I guess."
Ditto to happynerdmom and Ginny. I do the exact thing, tattling vs. telling, dangerous vs. trouble, etc. The ignoring thing works like a charm. Tattling still slips sometimes, but it could be worse!
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