I think I've lost control (?) of my family....feels like we are falling apart.
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Can you even control a family?
Anyway, the 9yr old is bringing me to the edge of high blood pressure. I can feel myself get so angry I am ready to explode. I have had to stop, breath and just hold my tongue. I am ready to wring her neck, pop her mouth or bang the brush on her head (my mom did that with a comb and I hated that).
The 2 yr old is MEAN!!!! And much is thanks to Big Sis. He bites, kicks, hits, screams and growls.
It is quiet until the two of them see each other. Then the screaming starts. I mean within less than a second of seeing each other.
I am the youngest of 4 kids, so I know all about sibling rivalry. I had a brother 5 yrs older and I have vivid memories of "MOOOMMMMMMM, David is looking at me!" He would touch me like he didn't know he was touching me (like his foot being just over the line of the cushion I sit on, etc) . I would have a fit. He would say things just to hear me cry or scream at him.
But MY KIDS? They hit each other. DS bites DD! She is hitting on him all the time. I have even seen her push him to the ground. She says things to make him scared or angry.
DD is SO DISRESPECTFUL to both DH and myself. It was never like this until DS was born. She was 7 at the time, and has just gotten worse each year.
DH and I have really come down hard on what is acceptable. She cries and says she's sorry DAILLY and almost every hour. We take things away, I cleared out her entire room. I just found things from 2 years ago hiding in DH's trunk. I knew it was there, but she never earned them back. I just recently went to see what was there.
I know I am to blame for some of this, but not all of it. I try so hard to maintain my temper, but after so long I do just explode. I scream at her. I want to do fun things with her and the family, but she takes things too far every day!
We were suppose to go to Busch Gardens today (and several other days in the recent past)but still sit at home.
We've had huge changes in our life the last 2 years. The baby for one. GOing from only child to older sis was a big deal after 7 yrs of alone time. Then this past few months I started working.
But really! How many kids don't have to make life adjustments and still be a respectful addition to the family? My child is not the only child to become an older sibling and then have mom go to work. It didn't happen over night.
I try to make time for just DD and I do. But I only end up regretting being so nice to her because she is so mean and disrespectful not two minutes later.
I hate feeling this way. I WANT to be with DD and enjoy it. I WANT to be with both kids and enjoy it. But instead most of the time I play ref. And then I feel like such a failure.
How do things get so bad and not show signs of getting better?
Even DH is helping more with discipline and spending quality time with each child and both together.
Things are so bad, that DD is always on thin ice. I feel like I am damaging her by having to be so negative all the time. But she is not doing the right things. I do make sure to go the extra mile when she does make good choices. I make sure to share the good things w/ DH while DD listens.
Oh how I wish I could just leave this house for a week ALONE! Sometimes I think a month so they would all realize how good they have it.
Oh, and the other big worry I have since starting work. We don't do dinner together anymore. With a major in education, I have read over and over and over and over the ONE MOST COMMON DENOMINATOR for successful children/families is having dinner hour together every night. I'm getting better about finding food for dinner after I get home, but still we eat late, sometimes w/ DH, sometimes just the kids, then me then DH, or kids then DH then me late at night. But when we do have dinner together?.............ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Someone is always upset with someone else. Usually the kids start and then DH or I get fed up.
DD is CONSTANTLY talking back to me. Almost every time I say something to her about how or what to do. I can be in a great mood and BANG she makes me boil. I intentionally try to remain calm when talking or disciplining DD, but she blows up and talks back, storms out, slams doors, and her favorite "I KNOWWWWWWW!" before I even get to the verb in my sentence.
What am I doing wrong and how can I change this. I am clueless!!!!!
Well, I hear the baby crying while "playing" in DD's room, so I need to go.
I only have one child, so I'm not the one to give too much advice, but I can tell how upset you are so ((HUGS))!
I am one that has a temper, so I understand losing it sometimes. It's my natural way so I have to go against that when I get angry about something. Regardless of how difficult it is sometimes, maintaining our control as parents is probably the single most important part of discipline (to me anyway). Everyone has their moments, no doubt, but whatever you can do to work on not blowing. Leaving the room, putting the child in a room away from you until you can calm down and give out a rational discipline. I've also found that the more I talk the madder I get, so cut it short!(Even if you want to lecture for 20 minutesLOL) "This is my answer, the consequence, whatever. End of story." Ignore every other plea regarding that current situation.
My sister's kids seemed to really dislike each other the first 3 years and I always wondered how people handle siblings that don't like each other. I'm sure others have great advice for you. Good luck!
((((Dana))))) I've already seen a lot of sibling rivalry with my kids, I can only imagine what it's like with older kids. I don't have any advice, but I'm sure some of the moms who survived those years will have plenty!
Dana, lots of hugs! It's so tough! No advice, just lots of support. It sounds like you are ding the right things - it's just tough.
Hang in.
Ame
Dana, it's just hard, isn't it? When I was a single mom, I noticed that Connor acted up more when I was away more often. Yet, if I didn't have that "away time", I would go nuts as an adult who needed that time.
You have to work, you want to work, but really, you want to spend quality time with your kids.
I have found that, the more time I spend one-on-one with Connor, the better he behaves later on. I had to make a conscience effort to read to Connor before we went to the gym, etc.
It's so difficult to do what we want and yet satisfy what they need... {{{HUGS}}}
Well, luckily my job is in the playroom, so DS is with me all the time and he has me one on one often. DD comes at least once a week on the days she doesn't like the fieldtrips at camp. But I dread those days, because they argue the entire time. Once, they were nice to each other.
They both get me one on one daily. I don't think the issues are from one on one time. They get lots of it.
DS is mean because of his sister. He is even a monster to my playroom guests. He is my worst advertisement. I have one mom who comes on Thursday only because my child is at Moms Day Out that day. DS growls at her and won't let her touch "his" toys. She's not the only child he does this too. But the ones he does this too are all younger than him. He is just acting like big sis treats him.
So if I can figure out a way to work with DD on her bad choices, snotty remarks, and her thinking that she has all the privileges of an adult. There are times that I don't even like being with her. Do have any idea how difficult it is to write that?
Dana..All I can say is I live this almost everyday. But for us, its with the older 2 kids not my youngest who is almost 3. I just dont know how to parent my older two at times. It is so frustrating to me. The older 2 hit each other, and names and such. I hate it.I am sorry I have no words of advice, but just wanted you to know I live it almost daily 
Oh Dana. I am so sorry. It sounds truly awful and bewildering.
I'm going to sound like a broken record, but have you thought about counseling, for your daughter and maybe family counseling? This sounds like more than just sibling rivalry to me. I do think you need to consult a professional as quickly as possible, or your children may both grow up to be very angry and very unhappy people.
((HUGS)) First of all, from what I am hearing lately, you are not alone. We have been going through a rough spell with DD as well. It's eased up a little, but there were moments when I thought I was going to lose it! DD, who is now 6, was always sweet and pretty well mannered UNTIL DS, nealry 20 months was born. Of course, she would misbehave, but never with an awful attitude. Until now...LOL It's really, really, really tough! She has tested my limits for sure! I'm trying to remind myself that when she acts out, she is crying out for attention and boundaries....
And my two kids fight! Sometimes the noise level from them screaming fighting over something is unbearable. I'm still trying to find what works for me, but please know you are not alone....
I also know that when Mom gets run down, it's tough to jump in there and be the most positive parent. A few times now, I have gone to check into a hotel by myself. It's WONDERFUL! I go and take my book, watch a chick flick, order room service with a big glass of wine! (Sometimes bring my own.) and climb into bed....I even order room service for breakfast and it's the best experience! It recharges me to start all over.....
Please feel free to email me anytime. I know how frusterating it can be! I don't think there is anything wrong with you, other than needing a recharge.
Oh, Eve, I am so envious that you have done what I *want* to do. I always stop because I know DH would hate it and just wouldn't understand WHY I NEED this. I sent him off to our river place this weekend with my blessings to spend the night and enjoy the peace and quiet. Yes, he went to mow in this HOT HEAT that could drop you to your knees, but still once that is done he can rest.
I think I will head up there as soon as I have an available weekend. Or maybe just head to the beach one night and get a room. We live close enough that I could still go to work and enjoy the hotel without waiting for the weekend. I'm even tempted to stay at work for a few days. It's just like home but without the shower. I could use a friends shower and never have to come to my house LOL.
Dana, it's SOOO hard when the kids and craziness of life get to us....yes, GO away for the night!! A happy Mom is a good Mom.  ((HUG))
I hope you'll be able to get some time to yourself, Dana. I find myself saying to myself often, "I can't do this!" and I only have one child and I'm not running my own business! I can only imagine how much you need and desire a break.
I'll keep you in my prayers. It sounds like you are doing the very best you possibly can, but you need a time out. And I mean a "good" time out, just for you with no demands. I daydream about going to a hotel for just one day, too. It was good of you to let your dh get away. Maybe he will be able to return the favor.:-)
((Hug))
There was a time when I was at my wit's end with my son. He was 6 maybe. Or younger, 5. He was so frustrating. And one day, like a ton of bricks it hit me. I need to come at him from the point of view of compassion vs. the point of view of anger. Instead of constantly pushing him away, I needed to bring him closer.
Plus peri-menopause setting in and messing with my memory, when I got mad at him for something, it was there, gone and forgotten within seconds. That helped stop it from building up, building up and then big explosion on my part.
Also I have a relative with 9 kids and they are all great kids, but she has 2 that simply don't get along with each other. Never have and may be never will. She just does what she can to keep them separated.
The growling on the 2-year-old's part though is worrisome to me. Have you spoken with his pedi about that?
He growls because his sister taught him. She makes that "errrrrgh" sound when she is upset and my DS can't do it the same way and it is more of a growl. I growl too when I'm working on something that doesn't work right. It's better than cussing, something I don't do.
But no matter where he learned it, he uses it to take show his disapproval. I just pull him into time out or completely out of the playroom into my private office. He growls at me too when he doesn't like what I'm doing.
I'm more concerned about him taking toys out of the hands of the other children. To me that is much more aggresive.
If I keep DD and DS totally apart, they both behave. Well, DD not as much. She behaves only when life is good and fun. She acts out when there are chores to be done or responsiblities to be tended. Poor DS just copies what he sees.
As for "pulling her closer" that is great as long as all is good. But when things aren't exactly the way SHE wants it, it's over. She has got to learn that life isn't fair nor is it always fun. And NO ONE on this earth gets away with only the things they want to do. We all have things we don't like.
Honestly, she is the center of our problems. And I'm sure I expand from there with not dealing with it properly. But I can't figure out what the proper way to respond is. I can't find something that works. The only thing that works is doing what SHE wants every day and every moment. But that only feeds into her desire to get everything she wants without responsibilities or consequences for bad choices.
She must be getting something out of her behavior even if it is negative attention. Which if she is wanting attention b/c of her brother and maybe you being busier with work, is still attention. Maybe she is kind of angry with you over your business, that your ds gets to always be there with you, that he invaded her world. Who knows how kids think. I only have one dd so I don't have the sibling piece but I do think the Love and Logic books work great and it would seem the no reaction just a sad consecquence might work. I do agree with who ever suggested counseling, it never hurts to get a professional opinion. Good Luck, who knew it would be so hard sometimes.
I don't know how well this will work with your work schedule but the change in my dks is miraculous when I "tomato-stake" mine. I keep them with me at. all. times. I wake them up, stay with them while they get dressed and make their beds, they help make breakfast, we eat together, clear the table, do the kitchen chores together, etc. all day long. They aren't ever left to find something to do on their own, never left in a room together while I change the laundry, we even take potty breaks together and we line up outside the bathroom and go one right after the other.
It's exhausting and doesn't give me a minute of peace all day but I can do this for a few days twice a year or so and it brings our lives back to where I like them. I'm there to break up any arguments before they have a chance to get started, I can keep them busy so I'm not hearing "I'm bored" and the crankies that go along with that, and the kids don't get away with anything since I see it all. I usually have a one hour quiet time in the mid-afternoons so that they can go in their rooms and read or listen to music and I can recharge or take care of something that wouldn't be safe to help me with. The kids help pour cereal, mix pancake batter, wipe counters, switch and fold laundry, we read out loud, put together puzzles, clean their rooms, you name it. There are SO many arguments with me and whining at me to begin with, especially from my ten year old but it's worth it to me in order to feel like our family isn't spinning out of control.
Let me know if this might work for you, even if it's just during your off-hours, and if you have any questions. I don't know how you manage to take care of your family, run a business and not lose your mind. I know I couldn't do it!
Tink, just reading your posts sent shivers down my spine. Have both kids doing things at the same time and in the same room....and chores on top of the ROFLOL.
I can just see DD and DS fighting over who gets to hold something first. Or who gets the less gross things if that happens to be the event of the moment.
But it worth a try. Scares the heck out of me but something has to change.
Sunday I sent DS to grandmas for the day. DD and I went to our old church to wish a dear friend a happy 90th bday. She and my daughter had a special bond. Then we went home, DS was sleeping, so DD and I did our house chores until complete. The music was on radio Disney and we both got everything done. I asked mom if she would keep DS while I took DD to Busch Gardens. We went, had a great time, stayed til 8pm.
On the drive home I expressed my feelings about the two of them reuniting. I told DD that it is her responsiblity as a sister and family member to remember to make DS feel proud of himself, never bad about himself. He is only two and he is not capable of understanding the things we understand. He is still learning, just like this morning when you broke the egg and it landed on the hot stove. You were not punished. I simply cleaned it up and gave you a new egg. You are learning and mistakes happen. DS is still learning and he will do things the wrong way. We need to change his bad ways by pointing out something good....etc etc.
I swear, we weren't in my moms house for 30 seconds before she was being mean to him. And ofcourse he returns it.
She was with me ALL DAY LONG. She was great. We had a great time. But ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHH, I have two kids, she has a brother and you have no choice but to be together. She CAN NOT be the ONLY one who gets what they want.
I'm babbling now. I don't even know if this posts makes sense. I feel I just keep saying the same thing over and over.
Counselling is not affordable and with the experience I had w/ counselling with DH and I back when DD was young, its a crap shoot getting someone who can actually help. The bottom line is YOU are the only one that can make the changes. Both counselors we had made no difference. The only difference was my conscience effort to make changes. Well, I'm already making conscience efforts.
I need to find the "Key" that works for DD. So far, the only thing is ignore everyone but her. Hummph, that can't be the answer.
Trust me, she gets tons of one on one with me. She's got to learn there is a balance.
Dana, it really does sound like a tough situation. For 7 years your daughter was the center of your world. Then bang! She has to share you and share you with a demanding infant then toddler! Her world has been rocked.
I know from speaking with my sister who is ten years older than me. She resented me for being born - she resented that her nice, ordered existence as the sun in mommy and daddy's world had changed. Now, she was no longer the sun, but a helper an assistant, the supporting actress to the cute late-in-life baby with blond curls (me). Can't say that I blame her - and she has since come to terms with this, but it made me realize why she was always so hard on me.
Your son may do nothing wrong but his simple presence may be more than she can handle emotionally. She may be taking frustration and resentment out on him.
Yes, sibling rivalry is normal, but I think when there is a large gap in ages, the rivalry is a special kind. It's more than attention getting behavior, it's an attempt to vent anger and frustration at no longer being the only one.
Now, after all that, do I have an answer for you? No. You are right when you say you will have to find out what "key" will work for her.
I can recommend two books - "How to Behave so your Preschooler will, too" by Dr. Sal Severe. He also has one about teens. The other is, "Loving Your Child is not Enough" I'll get back to you on the author. Both these books are great for getting ideas on what will work with setting up a routine and rules for what kind of behavior is acceptable and what is not.
I'm thinking that it is also very hard for a 9 year old to have to be with a 2 year old constantly. It has to be driving her nuts. She probably feels like a babysitter.
If any of what I've said makes sense then I hope it helps. If not, if I'm way off base then I'm sorry.
I just hope you can find some peace.
Ame
When did she start acting this way?
Ditto Ame...it must be difficult on some level to have a little guy come into the picture like that.
Does she have any friends she can have fun with? A summer camp to keep her busy? (Vacation Bible school?)
I'm just feeling for you and praying you get the break you need!
My situation is similar to Ame's.. I was 6 when my middle sister was born and 11 when my baby sister was born.
I can tell you first hand that my mom never took the effects of having such an age gap into account when she decided to have her kids this way and she never took the steps to insure that I was prepared for the middle childs birth. I was clueless at 6 to know what having a new baby ment. I was old enough to be use to the routine we had and then she throws in this crying, screaming, smelly thing into my life.. I had never been around a baby for anymore than a couple of hour visit and I knew nothing about how this baby would effect my life. Everything as I knew it stopped.. We weren't able to just go swimming anymore. We had to make sure she had nap time, we had to take time to pack extra stuff, on and on... If she was cranky, I wasn't aloud to go.. If she got cranky, we had to leave.. Mom couldn't play with me anymore, the story time had to include a brat that couldn't sit still, so the story always had to stop.. If she wanted to watch something on tv, she always got her way. Mom had me pick up chores because my sister would get her up and down at night or she took so much of her time durning the day that things weren't getting done. Oh and she made me take a bath with her... And she would make a mess (you know what I mean) in the tub nearly every time... I felt like I was constantly being made to bend and the baby didn't have to do any bending... If I had a toy and she cried, she got it.. If I went outside, she had to go.. She would tare up stuff and I had to pick it up.. After all she was just a baby... I was sick and tired of hearing about her being a baby.. The thing is, my mom never made her step up and act like a growing child. I was always the oldest child and expected more out of... Then my mom had the youngest baby 5 years later and all heck broke loose. My middle sister, went nuts.. She would mess with my sister to the point that I ended up having to step in and keep them apart.. It became my job to deal with it or I would be in trouble... My youngest sister once again could do nothing wrong and still can't.. I am the strong sister, the boss and my middle sister is the forever bad kid, brat.. My mom placed these positions on us and they remain the same to this day.. My sisters can not stand each other and they are 30 and 25 years old.
My mom is one of three and they are all a year apart, so they don't know not being together. She had no clue that she was in charge of fostering a good realtionship with myself (a child) and my sisters (children). She thought, it was her choice to have us and that we had to deal with it and she stuck us together 24-7.. No limitations on the babies, they were just babies after all. But we were all children... I now realize that my sisters didn't ask to be born but then I resented them both. My middle sister became a competition and my babysister became a job..
This is a book, I am sorry.... But my oldest two are 2 and so many months apart and my twins were born when the older two were 5 and 7. Because of my own experiences as a kid I set rules for the girls that kept my older two from having to be burdened with younger siblings. Like I didn't make the older two pick up after the girls. If they all played, I helped pick up the mess.. I didn't have the older two watch the girls, I drug them through the house with me.. If I did dishes or cooked, they played in the plastic ware cabinet. I cleaned the bathroom while the girls were in the tub.. I folded laundry in the living room and watched play time or tv time very closely.. Because I knew the girls although small were still able to be annoying and would go out of their way to touch the older two. I couldn't expect my six year old to rationalize that this monster was only a year old while she was pulling the hair out of his head.. I also gave the older kids down time away from the girls. We had a tv in our room and a Sega game and I would give them a few hours through out the day of away from the babies time and I would fence the girls from being able to get to the room.. Their rooms were also off limits to the girls and until recently they still were.. If the older kids went to their rooms it meant they needed down time and that meant the girls were to not be following them around.. I put the girls to bed two hours before the older two and we had mommy and me time then.... They knew once the girls were in bed I was all theirs... Then once the older kids were in bed I did the things I knew I couldn't drag the girls around behind me and do.. Like.. Moping the floors. Mowing the grass and things like that were done in the evenings by DH or on the weekends by either of us, when someone else could be in charge... I made a huge effort of making sure all my kids saw each other as an equal and that I was/we were in charge period.
Oldest DD is sitting here and I asked her about resentment of the girls and she said she doesn't have any.. She said that we did a good job of making the rules clear and that they were made aware of the rules for the girls early on because I had sat them down and told them those rules.. So they knew they weren't the only ones expecting to be a certain way.. She says, that if they every had any doubt of the girls getting away with something and being angry about it they knew I was quickly ready to explain why.. Their schedules were clearly stated, they knew the way things ran in the house and what I did when. They knew when their time would come and what to expect if they broke my rules...
And no a 2 year old may not know rules but a 2 year old can be controled to follow certain rules you apply for them. Such as nap time, do not hit/pull hair.. And such...
Maybe it is time to sit down with DD and tell her rules/expectations of not only her but of her brother too...
I am not trying to sound harsh, but it sounds to me you have expectations of DD and her behavior but when it comes to DS everything he does some how relates to her... She can't carry the blame for all of his bad behaviors.. He is 2, which means he is quickly becoming a toddler and not a baby any more.. He needs to have rules too and she needs to know them as clearly as she knows her own.. And he needs to have those rules followed through with or you are going to end up with two "monsters" (the growl, lol)... If she knows she isn't the only one with expectations, the only one getting yelled at and that you know she isn't the only problem child maybe she will let up a bit... because the way it sounds, and I maybe wrong, but it sounds like she carries a lot of blame around your house and she is only 9...
I know none of this probably helps. But I just wanted to tell you that you can make a choice to make this stop.. It is all going to start with you... Your DD can come around and be the good girl you get glimpses of but it is going to take you leading her back there.. and they are going to fight, siblings disagree and get mad at each other.. It is how you address it, that is going to make the difference..
If you always are blamed for doing something wrong you have a tendency to look for the wrong things to do... Learned that first hand in my own childhood.
Big hugs and please come here and vent anytime you need to... We may not be able to fix your problems but we surly can help you find a calm place in the middle of this storm... I pray you can figure out how she ticks...
Sorry about the book... I am not spell checking this... LOL
I tend to agree with Bobbie and Ame on the age gap. I never really thought about it until now, but being 12 and (almost) 17 years older than my brother and sister, I often felt like I had to always give when my sister was a baby and toddler. If she broke something of mine, oh well... she's a baby. That kind of thing is sort of natural with a larger gap in age. My own children will face it themselves at some point, because I plan to have another child eventually. Can you plan things that are especially for her? I'm sure you'd like her to have more responsibility because she's the "big girl", so have more bonuses would come in as well. More (((hugs))), Dana... I hope things calm down soon!!
Bobbie makes a great deal of sense, as does Ame. And it's based on lots of experience. If it were me, I'd try to evaluate and see if what they are describing fits your family situation. Their suggestions are very good ones and certainly worth trying.
Thanks for your input. This is what I'm looking for. I need to get info from real experience.
Yes, Bobbie, I do "blame" DD on bringing on much of this. But she is the instigator for the most part. However, baby brother has taken on his own by implementing everything he has been taught. I do try to take this into consideration. I also try to reinforce to DD that the bad behavior she shows towards DS will only come back to bite her when he starts doing it back....and boy does it!
I'm the youngest of four in my family with the closest being 4 yrs older, the other are 5 an 7 yrs difference. So my view point is definitely different than yours having been the oldest.
I do and have always from the get go, tried to allow DD that space. She has her own room, DS sleeps in ours. DS is not allowed in DD's room w/out her premission. I try to do things without the baby as often as possible. And I do my best to not have DD "in charge" of her little brother. First because he's my responsiblity, but second because what if something went wrong under her care? She would never forgive herself. And no way could I have that happen.
BUT, yes, they do from time to time take baths together when I simply don't have time for two baths in the evening. Yes, she does play outside with him where I can see them thru the windows. And yes, I have had her do this just to get them both out of the house so I could get some work done (again, I have windows that over look the back yard, so they're not totally without me) I do explain to DD that she is not a parent, only a big sister. It her job to tell me when DS is doing something wrong and that only a parent can discipline.
Now, can anyone help with with her sassy attitude and talking back to me? She actually tells me "NO, I'm not going to" for whatever thing it is she doesn't want to do. I don't give in, she does whatever. But just the fact that she thinks its okay to talk that way.
Last night, she said "all the kids talk this way, I don't know why it bothers you so much." I was shocked! I told her that is why she is not allowed to watch certain TV shows or movies. Because it makes it look like it is normal to be disrespectful. So here we go again with another heart to heart on right and wrong choices. I sure hope it starts to sink in soon.
Yesterday was a good day. It started off TERRIBLE! but DD was quite nice come evening. She did the chores expected and she didn't fight with DS all night long. She was able to avoid the conflicts that came up. YEAH! And yes, I let her know all night how proud I was at her good choices. I was specific on what was right, not just "good job".
I'll just keep tossing things around to see what sticks.
Dana, I have a 9 yr old DS and a 16 yr old DS, which is the same age difference as yours. My 9 yr old acts like yours at times, I believe it's the age and they are trying to assert their independence and it is very frustrating. Did this behavior just start with her or has it been going on since the birth of your son? I get the "I'm not doing that" and being defiant and think he knows everything along with having to have the last word. After yelling at him and trying to reason with him I've learned to ignore him and then when it's time to do what was asked make him obey which he'll do but with a lot of back talk. He's getting better. My boys do fight and argue at times and have totally different personalities and the older one loses patience with the younger one. How does your DD act in school and for other adults? I get compliments about his behavior from neighbors and my day care provider and at school he's fine and I think he reserves the defiant behavior for us parents. I figure as long as he is respectful outside the home I'll put up with it inside the home until he's older and more mature. I've had several people tell me that 9 yrs old is a very trying time and my older one went through it as well. Good luck to you and hopefully things will smooth out as she gets older.
The whole the other kids talk that way needs to be addressed... and if she is smart enough to tell you that, then she sure is smart enough to know the rules... And she is also smart enough to understand consequences.
Here is the thing... heart to hearts will be going on for the rest of her life.. I have nearly daily heart to hearts with at least one of my children. Last night it was DS and he is 15.. Talk calmly.. rationally and as if she is an (mini) adult.
My kids get things better if we play through examples.
You feel you are grown enough to smart mouth us, how about you give me some suggestions on how you think we should deal with you when you talk back and hurt our feelings??? You say, all the children talk like this now and I know better then that. However, I will play the game with you and say so what if they do? How would you feel if I disrespected you the way you disrespect me?? What if your friends talked to you the way you talk to your family?? I think it is time that you take control over your mouth and I know you are able to do this because I see how great you can be when you want to.. Everyone slips up and makes a mistake.. How about we create a word that means stop if I am thinging you are getting out of line. If you catch yourself and stop and do what you are told you will not be punished BUT if you do not stop and you keep running your mouth and refuse to do what you are told we are going to have to attatch a punishment to this action... This is what we will be doing........ I know you likely think this is unfair, but I think it is unfair of you to disrupt your family by showing your butt when I am the boss and you are going to follow my rules.
We seem to have tagged certain things to certain punishments. Example, DS bad grades, looses his play station for a grading period (keep in mind he is 15 and a punishment pushed out longer has better effect because he is aware of time at his age). If I catch him being nasty to a sibling, he generally looses his computer privilages for the day. He knows the different punishments for his actions.. We wrote them down and how they would work when he was probably dd's age and he helped me come up with the list to address his issues.. I explained that things would change as he got older but this were the starter/jump off point of the rules.
You know taking away toys doesn't work, that is for sure, honestly she is probably out growing most toys anyway.
Is she into clothing?? Maybe you should make her start giving up her favorite clothing pieces. Smart mouth you take an outfit.. She can earn it back by following the rules for so many days.. Smart mouth again, looses that out fit and a new one for so many days.. You can take her down to two outfits and one pair of shoes... She is required to be clean and dressed, there are no rules that say she can't wear the same clothes every day... I would only set the days out to be a couple of days though... Smart mouth two/three/four/a week loss. too far out and it isn't worth working for.. But like I said if she looses an outfit and looses another before she gets it back both are gone for that set amount of time. Start a sticker sheet, tally sheet that is displayed where she has to look at it. Mark it every day she is good.. Don't mark if she is bad. If she keeps herself under control for a month she gets a new outfit/piece of clothing, of her choice, with in reason. do not make her bad actions as big a deal as her good ones.. Take and outfit and do not argue with her over it.. Tell her tomorrow is a new day and hopefully she will choose to follow the rules (as calmly as you can). IF she argues, smart mouths she looses yet another outfit/item and this keeps going until she shuts her mouth and keeps her fit to herself. And she needs to know that rule too.. IF she is able to earn a new piece of clothing then make a huge deal out of the piece.. make sure everyone you know will appricate her new beahviors is aware she has earned her new shirt/pants/cute socks/shoes.
Once again... Not spell checking... I bet she is testing her boundries.. which is not a new thing.. ALL children do this.. And there isn't a mom on here that can't say their preteen child hasn't thought they were grown.... and back sassed.. It is how you address it that stops it and if you don't address it she will become a 14 year old that is telling you how to get to Hell..
You can use snacks.. She smart mouth she looses her snack for two days... she does good for so many days she gets a special treat...
You can use..... Out side play time.. ridding her bike.. playing with friends. using the phone.. computer time... books, coloring supplies.. What makes her tick???
You can give her a new privilage that will be removed.. like the phone, computer...
We think you are growing up and we have decided that for good behavior we will give you x amount of time on the computer a day.. you smart mouth and you loose this.. OR... you can reward her with getting to watch one of those movies you ban.. Good for a month and she gets to watch a movie of her choice as long as it is rated PG-PG13. A goal a Reward, something that will hit her out of left field and have to make her way her pro's and cons.. If sleep overs aren't the norm.. You behave for a month and you get to have a girls night and have three friends (whatever) sleep over.... What makes her tick???? There has to be something that will hit her where she lives and she will see the seriousness of her actions.
Movies don't cause bad behavior.. by the way.. A child knows right from wrong.. It is the child that chooses to not follow the rules of right and wrong that have the issues...
I have a 9 yr. old ds. We had problems last year with the smart talk, and him telling me "no" all the time. I sat down with ds, and told him that I don't ask a lot of him, I don't think I am that strict. But, ONE thing I will not tolerate is back talk, and attitude. I just hate this. We talked about respect, and how other people will view him, etc. Then, I put a jar on the kitchen counter, every time he talked back, told me no, etc. He had to put a quarter in the jar. Every time he did what I wanted right away, he got one of my quarters. It got to the point, I would just hold up my hand and say quarter, if he kept on, I would say 2 quarters, etc. He got the message really quick as his piggy bank started to run dry. We did this for a few months, and then we slowly faded it out. I, personally believe it becomes a habit at this age. They are testing things, they get into the habit, and then it just starts being the first thing out of their mouth. We don't have much of a problem with this anymore. Now, on the few occasions that he does it, I just pull him aside, and tell him it is not acceptable. In the rare case that it continues, he gets grounded for a day. I also make sure that I am completely consistant with this. I don't ever let him get away with it. Like I said, this is a VERY big thing with me, so I am always on top of it.
Also, one thing that really helped us this summer is there are a couple of disrespectful kids in our neighborhood. They just don't behave at all. My ds is seeing how parents don't want these kids in their house, and how he doesn't want to be around them. So, he is learning from example.
{{{{hugs}}}} I hope things get better soon. I really can't offer anything about your dks not getting along. I consider myself VERY lucky that my boys seem to really like each other, and most days they get along.
a couple of quick ideas..
one get teh book "how to talk so children will listen", it will address a lot of your issues. it will cahnge your parentign style and help reinforce tbings going well
second..have you done much reading on adhd? look into "fire type" it might make some interesting reading for you
bottom line, she is 1 of 2, and you have responsibities, she doesn't have to like it, but she does have to accept it. you can only work with what God has give you
Thanks for all the great replies. The last two days have been acceptable. Much less fighting, and wow, both kids have been awake and in the same room for about 30 min and not a peep!!!
I'm sure it isn't over or even near the top of the peak of getting better, but at least I've had two almost very good days. Only a few outbursts near the end of the day when they were both tired and hungry or first in the morning when none of us wake on the sunny side of life LOL.
I just love coming here to get others thoughts.
Oh, and guess what!!??? This Saturday, DH is going to keep the kids and I am joining my girlfriend and her friends at a hotel. I even get to spend the night on Sat. I can't wait. They are going to be there from Fri to Sun, but I'm just too busy for that. Besides, Fri is DH and I date night
Dana, one thing about kids.. If you stay firm with your wishes often "this too shall pass". It is when you give in to their behaviors that the problems become permanent. We will all make it through this mommy game LOL and one day all this stuff will make for good jokes with the child when they are grown. You know what they say about pay backs... LOL
I am so glad you are getting away. Hopefully it is a great time and you will come back relaxed and rested... BIG HUGS....
Great news! Sometimes, I think Momsview is like taking our kids to a mechanic. As soon as we talk about the problem, it seems to get a little better.
Enjoy your time away! Sounds like it came at just the right time.
Tink, you are so right. Not just with the kids either. This is a great "fix it all" shop....or at least a good place to have a good check up and maintenance.
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