My child calles her dads live in girlfriend/fiance? mom! My ex and I are both greatly involved in her life. I have a huge problem with this. I'd love to know what other people think.
Do you think it's ok for children to call other people mom/dad?
Would it make a difference if it was a step-parent, if the other parent was not in the picture, or anything else?
Thanks for your input in advance!

By Colette on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 05:19 pm:

It would probably bother me, but I'd try and put the personal feelings aside and be glad that your child likes her stepmother and hopefully they will have a good relationship.

By Jjandmom on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 07:49 pm:

My kids did the same thing by calling there dads girlfriends mom. I just left it go cause if you get on them about calling them mom then things start going nasty no matter if you get along with the ex or not. I was a little upset about it but the more I though about it I said well at least they get along. When I did mention something about it I was the bad person for saying about it so I just left it go.

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 08:03 pm:

It would probably bother me, but I'd try and put the personal feelings aside and be glad that your child likes her stepmother and hopefully they will have a good relationship.

Ditto Colette.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 09:08 pm:

ditto collette. Don't try to stop it. The girlfriend most likely did not ask to be called mom. It just happens with kids. Don't worry. She knows who her mom is and it is you. Just hope that they have a good relationship. Think about what is best for your daughter not how you feel. I remember calling my stepmom mom in front of my real mom. She threw a fit and from then on I was on egg shells. I had to worry about if my mom heard me talking to my sm on the phone or if I accidentally called her mom in front of her. It was difficult. I would much rather my mom accepted it or at least keep her feelings to herself. I was only a kid.

By Kaye on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 09:45 pm:

Another vote for, yeah it would probably bother me, but saying anything won't help. The reality is, this means she is good to your child and treats her like you do. That is what you want

By Nymom on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 10:24 pm:

Yes, she did ask to be called mom, so the next child was not confused. I don't know if she treats her like I do, but she sure tries everything to make me look like a bad lying mom to my child. I used to be happy for their relationship, and I used to promote it to my child. I never tried to make her stop, I've just told her how it makes me feel, in hopes that she would. Someday maybe.

I can see your points, and I greatly appreciate your replies! Thanks!

By Amecmom on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 10:35 pm:

Here's kind of a silly thing, but it may work. Has she always called you , "mom" ? My son calls me mommy. If she could call the girlfriend something that means the same thing, but is not exactly what she calls you, would that make you feel better?
I call my father in law, "dad" - I never called my father "dad" so he doesn't feel bad.
Could she call her, "Ma - Mommy, Mother - YoMamma?" - anything that means mom but is not that exact word?
Just a thought. Ditto the others, btw - but it is a big deal if it bothers you.
Ame

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 10:49 pm:

Yeah...that would bother me. (I'm going to be real honest here.) Especially since the woman asked to be called that, etc. Any child can be taught to call someone by a certain name, so the new child won't be confused if it's corrected down the road. In fact, it opens it up to explanations which she should be open to. I get called "Heidi" by others for instance, but "mom" by my son. He's called me "Heidi" before, because my brother called me from across the room, but I corrected him. He eventually lost interest in calling me by my first name.

I call my step-mom "s'mom" so maybe some other name would differentiate the 2 meanings. How old is your daughter? If she is under 3, I would understand.
Otherwise, maybe you can explain some things just to your daughter and then let your ex/fiance know what you explained and why, in a calm manner. I'm sure she would understand, especially if she is expecting a child...how would she like it if her child called someone else "mom"?

By Tarable on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 09:32 am:

I had this issue with my x's 2nd wife (the one right after me) but I have since learned that as long as it is your child's decision then maybe it isn't such a bad thing. I learned this when my 12 year old asked my DH a few months back if she could call him Dad. He told her that was fine but her decision. She has never called him dad to his face or when talking to him, but she calls him Dad to her friends because it makes it easier than doing the whole step dad thing. So if your DD is older maybe that is the case, but if she is younger it may be that like my DD did she called my mom who took care of her while i was at work mom for a few years because the mom to her was the person caring for her that was female.
Good luck and remember as my oldest DD told me "I may call someone else mom sometimes but I only have one real mom." {{{{Hugs}}}} I know how much this hurts.

By Debbie on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 11:08 am:

To be honest, I'm sure it would bother me. But, in these situations, I think you have to be careful to put your kids first. I'm sure you don't want your dd to feel like she is stuck in the middle of you two. You don't say how old your dd is, or if she minds calling her mom. If she doesn't mind, then I would let it go. If she doesn't want to call her that, then I would tell your dd that it is her decision. Also, I would try and take the high road if this woman is saying bad things about you. Your daughter will eventually figure it all out for herself. I would not talk bad about this woman, no matter how hard it is. I would discuss any concerns your dd might bring up about you lying, and explain the truth. It may be hard to not say anything, but in the long run, you will rise above, and be the better person. Your daughter will see this as she gets older, and will really appreciate what you did for her.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 11:41 am:

Ditto, Debbie. You will always hurt your child if you put the child in the middle or do anything to cause her to feel she is being put in the middle. Taking the high road may leave you feeling angry inside, but to everyone else you will come off like a really good person.

I'm assuming that when you said I never tried to make her stop, I've just told her how it makes me feel" that you meant you told your ex's fiance, not your dd. Sounds to me like you are doing your best to not get your child hurt by this, even when your feelings are hurt, and I applaud you for that.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 02:44 pm:

Like Ginny said, taking the high road may leave you feeling angry inside, but it is the best way to deal with any situation involving children... Dh and I do not have step children, the only ones we have are the kids we share, so I don't have the step parent situation going on around here. But I can say that my sister called our stepfather dad.. She was 6 when they married and he became the only dad she knew.. My dad stepped out, for the most part.. My children do call several of their friends parents dad and mom, however, and at first it took me by suprise/shock.. But I now welcome the connections they are making.. A child can never have enough people that love them..

If the "stepmom" is up to something, your DD will figure out the games that she is playing all on her own, in time.. Take the high road and she will appreciate the fact that you do... My mom made a complete fiasco out of what visits we did have with my dad.. He would buy something for us and she would complain, he wouldn't and she would complain. If we refered to step mom in any manner she would get mad but if we didn't tell her about our visits she would get mad.. It got to the point that we dreaded contact with our dad and his wife.. And still we have resentments about the way the "adults" handled the divorce and remarriages in their/our lives.. We constantly were forced into a situation of having to choose what we could share with each of them and what we would hear if we did.. It was rough.. And pointless.. because we grew so fast, that all that fighting and game playing served no purpose.. Other than showing us how childish our parents truly were and still are.... We had enough love in us to love them all.. But they couldn't see that and tried to pit us against the other parent and all it did was make us angry at the parent who was running their mouth... Issues in a separation, money etc.. are not the child's burdens to bare. You may not appreciate the new spouse of your ex but as long as she is treating DD right then you should take the high road and let DD decide for herself who is who... It bothered me, my mom would encourage my sisters to call her DH dad but no way were we to call dad's wife mom... Just nuts... let her decide what she wants to do, as long as she is safe.. BIG hugs...

By Nymom on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 07:20 pm:

Thanks for all the kind words!
My ex and I were going to therapy, and it's the therapist who told me I should tell my child my feelings. We tried to work out step-mom, or mom-"Kate", but that side of the family was not going to bend. Therapy ended, because I refuse to let my ex control me, so he cancelled our last appointments.
I feel like I can talk to my s-mom better than my real mom, but I would never dream of calling her or my s-dad anything but their names! I feel it's disrespectful to my real parents. And at my child's age, 8, it's confusing to everyone around who does not know our situation! School is very confusing at first, and her friends and their parents are confused.
This all started when she was too young to make her own choice, about 4, now that she can, it's more of a habit.
I have tried keeping to myself for years now, and let him parent in his home, so I can do the same, but my child is constantly caught in the middle. They talk about me all the time, I'm not saying calling me names, but talk with my child about everything she does with me, and lays subliminal messages to her, and I have proof.
So it goes on, sorry to rant soooo long, but I cry so much because of how much my child is hurt, and how much she is getting "screwed up', for lack of a better term.
I greatly appreciate your responses!

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 10:42 pm:

Can you locate a counseling program that is low-cost or sliding scale fees for family therapy for you and your daughter? You say she is getting messed up and caught in the middle, and some counseling might help her to learn how to cope with that. Sounds like your ex and his s/o are real jerks, and are using your dd like a weapon to try to push your buttons. So unfair to your dd, and very unhealthy for her.

By Nymom on Friday, July 27, 2007 - 09:22 pm:

Thanks Ginny. She is in counseling, it's actually a Christian based center, but they do not push religion. She really likes her tharapist, as do I. That is the one good thing my ex and I agree on.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 11:01 am:

If she is in counseling and you are taking the high road with her, then you have very little to worry about. She will figure all this out in her own time and she will place the blame and resentment for the games where it belongs. Kids are smarter than we often given them credit for when it comes to issues such as step parents and such. Just love her and make your home as safe from the drama as you can.. Big Hugs, I know this is a huge stressor for a lot of parents and unfortunately there is nothing to be done but live through it.. You can't make the other woman see things through your eyes and unfortunately most don't care to see their actions through the eyes of the child/children involved.. But with your support, your daughter will come through this mess perfectly fine. This too shall pass..

By Kaye on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 12:10 pm:

The only other advice I can think of is this. When you say the word mom, it has all sorts of memories and meanings. Really though it is a word, all that stuff that comes with it, is something we learn after time. I know you said you feel like it is disrespectful to you, well you can control how it makes you feel. Would you feel differently if her name were the same as yours and yall were called the same thing? Your daughter learned a name for her, that name happens to be mom. For you though, she learned that mom is the one who loves me most, who is there no matter what. Just like you can have two friends with the same name and be better friends or respect the other more, she can have two moms and feel completely different, no matter what name she uses, she knows you are the "real" mom.

Advice I once read, you can only control how you think and feel and act, so instead of focusing how to change someone, change how you let it affect you

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 12:38 pm:

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if his daughter called some other man "dad"? Sounds like this is all actually stemming from your ex. IMHO...

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, July 28, 2007 - 12:40 pm:

PS- Maybe you can tell the fiance that you're excited that her new baby can call you "mom" too!
I'm just wondering how that would make *her* feel? I'm just thinking out loud and it's sad that they don't respect your wishes.

By Nymom on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 12:08 pm:

Thanks, and yes, my ex says that it wouldn't bother him if my daughter called my husband dad, but that was in front of the mediator, there's always a good front to strangers, etc.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, it may not sound momumental to some, but it is to me. I really appreciate your words and support, and I will continue to try my best and let it be, and will try harder to change how it affects me!