Ok, I need some advice from you veteran moms out there with step-kids. My SO has a son who is close in age with my children (all young school age children), but lives in another state with his mom. He's visiting us for the summer, and it has been the most trying summer I can remember. I know part of it is how his mother treats him, he acts much younger than he really is, and she babies him. So, he came out here, and his dad and I set out to turn him into a well-behaved young man. We've seen improvement, have used positive reinforcement for that behavior, and appropriate loss of privileges when he doesn't behave. Still, he is whiny (imagine EVERYTHING a child says coming out in a sing-song whine, even our names), and doesn't respect adults at all. His mother won't deny this, so this is not me being the evil step-mommy here. He has walked into our bedroom a few times, before we set explicit house rules on knocking on doors before entering a room. He then turned this around, and knocked on our bedroom door every time we were in bed and he had to use the restroom, (Think 2am wake-ups to say he has to pee) or will stand outside an knock repeatedly when the door is open. These are just small examples of his behavior, and the main thing is the constant whining, he's too old to whine like a tired toddler. I have him on my days off, which are opposite of his dad's, and it is making me miserable. I've actually begun to wonder if our relationship can withstand this, because I can't stand to be around his son. I have children from a previous marriage, and would be heartbroken if he didn't like my kids, but everyone who knows all of the children will tell you mine don't behave like this little boy, and they are younger! Is this normal in a blended family? I come from one, but I was older when my mom remarried, now I'm wondering if my step-dad was as irritated by me as I am by this boy. He goes home in a couple of weeks, and I am so looking forward to it. I feel bad about it, like I am just being mean, but no matter how hard I try to get along with him, I can't. Of course, I would never ask him to choose between his son and me, I'm just afraid our relationship is going to be ruined by the time he goes home. So, any advice, or experiences you are willing to share would be great. TIA!

By Dancermom on Saturday, July 21, 2007 - 07:49 pm:

No advice, just hugs.

It's never easy when there is a new person in the house. It totally changes the dynamic in the household.

By Debbie on Saturday, July 21, 2007 - 09:33 pm:

{{{hugs}}}

Is this the first time he has come to stay with you together? If it is his first time, I would image it is VERY hard for him. Just think, he is a small child(you don't say his age) and he is coming into a family that now includes another adult, besides his father, and other children. You say he is young school age, I can't even image how hard this would be for my 7 yr. old. Do you think he may be feeling overwhelmed, a little out of place, and/or uncomfortable. I know my ds tends to whine when he is overwhelmed, tired, or emotional. So, I could see how a child would become whiny in this situation. Also, he probably senses that you don't like him...possibly another reason he is whiny?

I know this must be very hard for you, especially if he isn't very well behaved. But, if you want a long term relationship with your SO, then I would suggest trying the best you can to find things about his son that you like. It sounds like you are doing the best you can..giving consequences, positive reinforment. But, remember, if his mother isn't doing the same thing at home, it is going to be very hard to change his behavior. Also, he may be overwhelmed with all the discipline if he isn't used to it. It must be hard to go into a new home where everything you do is not acceptable or right. I really am not trying to be hard on you, I just think you may need to sit and try and understand how he is feeling. Maybe it would be better for the rest of the summer, to focus on just 1 or 2 things that he needs to change, and let some others go. Maybe if you thought about some of his good qualities, he must have some, then you can enjoy him a little before he goes home.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, July 21, 2007 - 11:26 pm:

First, all kinds of hugs. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be. Second, you are NOT his parent, and anything you do or try to do is something you absolutely must clear with his father first. You and your SO must sit down and talk about specific things and specifically what you jointly agree should be done.

Third, this too shall pass. As you said, he is leaving in a few weeks. You really can survive this for a couple more weeks - truly.

He may be early school age, but even early school age children can be fairly shrewd, and it may be that he is deliberately trying to get your goats. As Debbie points out, from his point of view, he has been taken away from everything he finds familiar and is in a situation with everyone a stranger except his dad, a new household, new community, and nothing he can control except his own behavior. Kids, even young kids, are pretty good about finding ways they can control the little they can control, especially in doing things they know drive others up the wall but are not the kinds of things you can punish him for (like the door knocking). It does sound to me like some of his behavior is deliberate and may be things he is doing to deliberately annoy. He may want you to get angry with him so he can run to daddy (or mommy when he gets home) and cry about how awful you are. This is one of the reasons I think it is absolutely essential for you and his dad to be in absolute agreement about strategies.

If you and his dad can talk and agree, pick three things that annoy you the most, as Debbie suggests, and decide what to do about them. You can't change everything in a summer or the few weeks left of the summer, but obviously you can change some things (he is now knocking on doors instead of barging in). If it were me, I'd start with the whining. You can't do much about him talking about ordinary things in a whining tone, but you can do something about any requests he makes in a whining tone. You say - "When you ask me in a normal tone of voice and not whining, then I will consider your request. I am not going to listen to you when you are whining." If he says, I don't know what you mean, then you can say back to him what he said in his whining tone, and repeat it in a normal tone - This is what you said and how you said it (whine, whine). This is how I want you to say it (not whining). Do this very calmly, matter of fact. If he persists with his request in a whining tone, say it one more time - I am not going to listen to you when you are whining - and go on about your business doing your very, very best to pretend you don't hear him. Do this whether it is something as simple as asking for a glass of milk or something more important to him. And be consistent. Always be consistent. If he gets louder or "in your face", then its "I told you I am not going to listen to you when you are whining. You are now getting loud and rude. If you continue being loud and rude I am going to put you (in your room - or some place away from you and the rest of the family) until you are able to ask in a respectful way without whining." ... and stick to it.

The 2 a.m. knocking on your door to tell you he is going to pee. There are a couple of things you can do. One is to say - we told you to knock on a door and wait for permission before you come into a room. That does not mean knocking on our bedroom door to tell us you are going into the bathroom. If you do that again, you are going to go without (whatever) the next day. It could be not being allowed to watch TV or play a videogame for a specific period of time, not getting a treat (ice cream or whatever) that is a usual thing, no dessert, staying indoors for a specific period when everyone else goes out to play - whatever. Or, you and SO could say - you have a problem with having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night so we have decided that you can't have anything to drink after dinner so that you can go all night without having to go to the bathroom. A boy your age should be able to go all night without having to get up to go to the bathroom. And stick to it. And watch him that he doesn't try to sneak drinks of water or whatever.

I once saw a woman on the train reading a book "Step Parenting for Dummies", and she highly recommended it.

Hugs, and I wish you lots of patience. My favorite prayer (taken from the book "Cold Sassy Tree") is, "Lord, give me strength." I highly recommend it. That is a prayer that is almost always answered.