First and foremost I do believe in spanking on ocasion however, I am hot my dh and I just came home from a weekend in Tenn. my mil kept my kids one of which is under a year.When we arrived she informed me that my baby(under a year)cried the entire time she said baby got so bad she finally popped baby diaper.Popped would not have hurt baby its very light.I have enormouse problems with this 1.babys under 1yr and i would never dream of spanking or "popping" baby at this age at the most mabey in a few months a tap on the hand to say dont touch something 2.Idont want any one thinking they can spank or pop any of my children.My mother in law have a decent relationship but I want to let her know how I feel.Im very weird about spankings I believe they are ok on occasion when all else fails but i dont want someone else spanking my kids. Am I wrong for that ? Any suggestiong on how to handle mil? She would never hurt baby,baby is her world shes, very old fashion.

By Ginnyk on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 04:06 am:

First, I believed in spanking on occasion when I was raising my children - I don't now, for a lot of reasons.
Second, no one ever spanked my children except me or my dh.
Third, spanking a baby never stops a baby from crying - a baby under a year old is absolutely not capable of connecting the swat, pop or whatever with "stop crying".

As to how to handle mil, since you want to keep good relations, I don't have any ideas right now but will think about this and come back later. Just wanted to say I do agree with you and understand fully why you are angry. I will say, don't talk to mil about it until you are over your anger and can be calm.

By Trina on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 07:04 am:

You are NOT wrong for feeling the way you do!! I don't have time to type now but wanted to let you know my very own parents aren't allowed the privilege to baby-sit my kids because I *know* they would spank and slap, despite the fact of our asking them not to.

By Colette on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 07:51 am:

I would be pissed too. How does your dh feel about it? Can he say something since it is his mother?

By Dana on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 08:48 am:

Well, it has already happened, so there is nothing to be done about that incident. Now you just need to decide what to do next.

First, I would feel glad that MIL at least felt safe in telling you what she did. Some would keep it to themselves.

You already know that it was described as a light pop on the diapers so that your baby's skin was not touched, and clearly well padded. You need to decide if this describes what happened.

Next you need to make it clear to you MIL what is allowed and what is not. This is your job to tell her. She needs to know her expected boundries. If she does not like your boundries, she has the right to refuse caring for your children w/out your presence (or you not allowing).

You need to give her the alternatives to spanking that you use in your household. Just let her know you are not telling her what she does is "right or wrong" but you simply want to keep your discipline consistant between home and other families homes.

I wouldn't approach this topic while you are feeling hot on the subject. Wait till you have some distance and not right before you are dropping your children off for care. It needs to be said in a matter-of-fact way without chance of judgement.

You have already said you know MIL would not intentionally hurt your babies. You know she has their best interest.

I pretty much follow the guidelines of "if you don't know the rules and you mess up, it is not your fault. It is my fault for not explaining the rules. After you know the rules, and you still mess up, then we have a problem." Don't be "pi&sed" w/ MIL. You have every right to be upset, but don't let that take over. You can't change what has already happened, only what happens next time.

Visits away from home and out of your view can often be worrisome. Good luck

By Bubbels on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 08:51 am:

EXCELLENT suggestions, Dana.

By Susan10 on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 01:52 pm:

I agree with you guys totally about spanking. It works with a 3 year old who's having a fit, but not with a kid much older or younger. Now, about your MIL. I would say, just let it go. Just don't ever leave your kids alone with her again (the baby at least). If you or your husband reprimand her, I doubt if anything good will come of it. Just hard feelings. It sounds like you guys live far away, so you probably don't see her that much, and it won't be an everyday thing. In laws are very sensitive. I think it's best to smile on the outside, and on the inside, figure you can't leave the baby alone with her.

By Ginnyk on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 07:19 pm:

I think Dana said it all very well.

By Ginnyk on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 07:23 pm:

Oh, and while you're at it, do sympathize with MIL for having had the care of a crying baby for a whole weekend, and not even her baby. Of course you wouldn't have left the baby if you knew s/he (you didn't say) would cry the whole weekend, and you know just how frustrating that can be - and it wasn't even her child, so some sympathy is due. If it were me, I'd offer the sympathy and understanding first, before getting into your feelings about popping a baby on the diaper. Maybe a week or two before. I think it is important for you to acknowledge to MIL that she had a frustrating and upsetting weekend, and probably acted out of frustration driven desperation. BTDT - which is how I know it doesn't work.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 28, 2003 - 09:49 pm:

mil had numbers to 3 sets of other grandparents she could have easily called if she were that frustrated i dont sympatize a bit.I do apreciate all the advice thank u.baby didnt cry constantly just every now and then.MIL rfuses to let anyone else care for baby its her fault if she got frustrated,all of the grandparents beg to keep children.arent I lucky

By Sandie on Saturday, March 1, 2003 - 10:39 am:

I would be ticked too, noone has the right to touch your child unless you give them permission.