OK fellow moms, I need a sounding board. LOL! A little background for those of you who aren't aware of all the details. My 6.5 yr. old DS (in 1st Gr.) has asthma and a life threatening tree nut allergy that requires an epi-pen available at all times. If he so much as puts a nut into his mouth his body goes into anaphylactic shock. We've grown accustomed to this and have a safe environment at home. The school has been WONDERFUL concerning this. However, now that he's older and more social I'm paranoid about play dates at other people's houses. One mom I'm OK with because I've known her for a few years and she is very aware and conscientious about DS's allergy. I'm also anal when it comes to car seat safety and require DS to ride in a booster seat at all times. Again, this particular mom is great and I feel confident I can trust her. Another mom has shown interest in getting our boys together but I don't feel I know her well enough to allow DS to go to her house. We've chatted small talk but I've never had the opportunity to discuss DS's allergies or my booster preferences. It seems all the other mothers let their kids play at who ever's house without a care or how they ride to get there. I want DS to have a normal social life but I sense these moms think I'm being over protective and anal about car seat issues. I know, I shouldn't let it bother me because he is MY child and I want what's best for him regardless of what other people think, but I have gotten a cold shoulder before when I've voiced my concerns. Part of me knows I need to let up on the apron strings a bit but my DS does have issues that need to be seriously tended to, especially the nut allergy. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly. Just venting I suppose. I would feel more comfortable inviting a mom over with her kids for a play date so that I could get to know her better before allowing DS to go for a play date without me. That can be easier said than done! Am I making any sense? Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being over protective? Any and all feedback appreciated. TIA!

By Jewlz on Tuesday, February 4, 2003 - 11:01 pm:

i feel the car seat issue u can control by being the one that picks him up and drops him off ...the nut one ... id be doubly sure who i let him with cuz i know how severe the nut allergies can be ... and some people just plain dont think or understand or dont read labels ... i know a lil boy that was in the third grade and went to a lil boys house ..he knew what he could and couldnt have had dealt with his problem all his life ... and then thought he would just test his allergy this one time ... well i realize this wasnt life threatenin to him but was what caused him to miss 5 days of school ... 5 days of work for his mom ... and he suffered with a migraine for 5 days till it got out of his system ... im like u ... i would be protective ....

By Truestori on Tuesday, February 4, 2003 - 11:20 pm:

Trina,

Here's the solution: Drop him off and pick him up.

Next pack him a snack...

I never let my kids go to a first playdate without me. I stay and visit while the kids play. When I am comfortable with the people then my kids are allowed to go without me! I'll be the first to admit that I am protective of my kids..

By Jann on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 02:07 am:

Invite the other child over and ask the mother if she would like to stay for coffee or do like Stori suggested and offer to drop him off and pick him up.

By Melissa on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 07:35 am:

I'm the same way with Lexi and yes I think lots of other moms are too relaxed. So far her friends that have invited her over are moms I knew well and she doesn't have any allergy issues but I still worry. When he gets invited over could you use hummor and kind of put it on you, saying just bear with me while I say this stuff tell the mom you have to be a pain about stuff b/c of the allergy, then drop him off for a short play date offer to send the snack b/c it is so hard to know what would be ok. I'd welcome that if I was the other mom. Also suck it up and really work on inviting all these people to your house, I say suck it up b/c that's how I'd feel about doing that. Thare is nothing wrong with most playdates being at your house for awhile until he's older and can handle it more himself (allergy wise) Most other mom's will be thrilled not to be the host.

By Dana on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 08:03 am:

ditto on answers above. Like you, I am a fanatic about car seats. DD is only allowed to be in another car if *I* am the one to strap the seat into their car. Also, when I am doing the driving, I always tell the other mom "as long as your car seat fits appropriately in my car, I can give you a ride. If it does not fit according to my guidelines, you will not be able to ride with me." And I always arive extra early to allow for seat time. So, no, you are not being overly protective on that issue.

As for the nuts. I would REALLY be concerned if that was my DD. Nut oils can be in something you would never suspect unless you are accustomed to looking for it. I think any mom would be greatful for your concerns and keeping them from the possibility of exposing your son to a fatal reaction. I know I would.

I like the ideas of inviting his friends to your house to get to know them first. And I don't think sharing his nut allergies with these moms is anything but appropriate. They need to know the severity.

Having DS snacks ready for him is a great idea.

Good luck. You are not out of line w/ your concerns.

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 10:21 am:

I agree with the others, and want to add that even when I was 16 my mom wouldn't let me go ANYWHERE without first meeting the parents and checking with them and all that. Better to care too much than not at all!!! And an allergy is a serious enough issue that you have the right to be cautious. Not everyone realizes food allergies can kill in seconds.

By Karen55 on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 10:32 am:

Trina, ditto the above responses. He's YOUR child, you have every right to protect him.

By Melanie on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 10:33 am:

I completely agree with everyone above. Drop him off and pick him up. A simple, "I will drop him off rather than transfer his booster seat from car to car" is all you need to say. It doesn't leave the booster seat up for discussion and you get your point across that riding without one simply isn't an option. And definitely pack a snack. The other mom will probably be relieved as nuts are often hidden ingredients that she doesn't normally check for. And your ds can be confident about what he is eating.

By Eve on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 10:57 am:

You have to do what you feel is best--bottom line. Whether is seems overprotective to some or not. If you feel uneasy about something,it may not be the best choice. It sounds like you are just putting Ty first and looking out for him.

I would invite the Mom over that has shown interest in getting the boys together for a playdate. Then, maybe you could get to know her better and may feel more comfortable letting Ty go over to play by himself.

What about the Britax laptop for Ty? Is he too big for it?

I know you worry about Ty's allergies, for good reason! But, he seems like he speaks up about it! He has always says something here or gladly eats his own snacks that you pack. I think he would do the same thing at someone else's house. Maybe try it for an hour and see how it goes. I would also show the Mom how to use the epi-pen and maybe put a big bright pin on Ty's shirt that says "Ask me about my Tree Nut allergy" or something. I think if you offer to show the Mom, she'll be VERY aware of it. I would hope anyway.

Ok, I have probably not helped! LOL! Just trust your insticts. You could always ask the Mom "Are you ok learning to deal with Nut Allergies? I have some things you need to know before I can send him over." Then, you can see how she reacts and go from there.

Good luck! Tough choices!

By Ginnyk on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 07:02 pm:

Trina, you are not overly protective. I agree with the posters above.

For travel, if the other mom doesn't see it the way you see it about car safety - take him and drop him off.

For the nut allergy - well, that, as you know, can be deathly. So if you don't think the other mom is taking it seriously, then you have to do whatever you have to do to protect your son's life and wellbeing. If it means packing him his own snacks, then that's what you do. Sounds like Ty is pretty cool about this. I think Eve's suggestion about how to talk to the other mom(s) about the allergy issue is a good one.

I was always described as an over-anxious mother. My adult sons tell me they still describe me as an over-anxious mother, and they are glad I was and am one. They look back on their childhoods and feel they were protected and guided, and they feel good about it.

Yes, Ty needs to have a social life. Life being the key word there - he needs to have a social life that will allow him to enjoy and keep on living.

And, make the first visit at your house and, as suggested, have coffee with the mom and say, frankly, "I know I seem like an over-anxious mother, but Ty has this allergy that could be life-threatening, and as a mother you know how it is to worry about your child" and take it from there.

Trina, you know you are doing the right thing. Don't let other moms' carelessness eat away at your confidence in what you are doing.

BTW, while I was waiting at the doctor's office today (normal periodic checkup, no problems), the November issue of Parents Magazine was the only thing handy. There was a letter in it from a mom who was going in another family's car with her and their children and they hassled with getting the booster seats in place properly. Turns out they were hit pretty badly, but the kids were only shook up and a bit bruised. She was thrilled and grateful that she had taken the trouble with the booster seats, because according to the trooper both children could have been seriously injured otherwise. And we all know that most auto accidents happen within 10 miles of our homes (mostly because that's where we do most of our driving, of course). It takes a few minutes to get the booster seat set up and the child strapped in - it takes a few seconds to have an accident.

By Annie2 on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 08:50 pm:

I would have him come to your house first. The mom may come in for coffee, or might not. She may have heard wonderful things about you and your son through their teacher. She may be going with her gut instinct that you are responsible parent to your kids which would be a responsible person to watch her child for the child's time at your house. Your red flags are up, for me, that would be enough, not to let my child stay at her house; even for an hour.
When you do feel comfortable letting him go to his friend's house, I agree that driving him to their house and picking him up would be the best solution. Offer to do this. If she insists that she can drive either way then be totally honest with her. Explain that you prefer your son be in a booster. That this might be embarassing to him in front of his friend; however something you are adament about.
After explaining about his allergy, drop off a snack for him and friend. As the other mom this would be a huge relief for me. Nuts/ nut oils can be in anything these days. I wouldn't want to risk feeding him water! My DD had a friend sleepover who was a diabetic. It was a relief to me that her mom packed appropriate snacks for her.
I hope this helps a little!

By Truestori on Thursday, February 6, 2003 - 04:12 pm:

Eve,

I started laughing so hard when I read the part about, put a big bright pin on Ty's shirt that says "Ask me about my Tree Nut allergy" I can just imagine the little guy standing there looking up at the mom with this BIG HUGE PIN ON!!!
ROTFLMBO....LOL

By Eve on Friday, February 7, 2003 - 08:21 am:

LOL, Stori. Poor Sydney, right?? Just think of some of the things I will put this kid through. LOL! If it were Syd, I would print up t-shirts for field trips and such. I'm a little bit of a nut myself, what can I say!

By Truestori on Friday, February 7, 2003 - 08:58 pm:

LOL!!!

By Sickpuppy on Saturday, February 15, 2003 - 09:21 am:

I have learned a long time ago to "go with your hunches".

Being overprotective is not a bad thing. He will have plenty of chances when he is grown to do what he wants. It is our responsibility to make sure that he gets to the "grown" part.

I have it tough here. My husband is the "everything is rosy-fine let them run wild in the woods and eat tree bark and mud" type of person, and he gets mad at me when I "grill" other moms. I just tell my husband "yeah, yeah" and do what I want.

You can take other peoples advice and opinions, but ultimately it is your own actions that count. Don't let others sway you too much, and go with your gut feelings. Better safe than sorry.

PS. I am "anal" about guns in the house. You think you're nuts, how about asking people if they have guns laying around. I ask them, and I don't care. I live in the South, where I have neighbors who actually shoot racoons when they raid the garbage cans, and this is a so called "upper middle class" neighborhood with Doctors and Dentists etc... My daughter has gone over to people's houses, and there have been shotguns laying on the kitchen table! Scared the bejeebies out of me when she told me. Now, I ask all the time.

By Karen55 on Saturday, February 15, 2003 - 10:51 am:

Sickpuppy, EXCELLENT point about guns in the house!!
And you are right about neighbors shooting racoons, etc. That happens occasionally near me, and I also live in a *nice* neighborhood. There are WAY too many heartbreaking stories about kids who have been injured or lost their lives from gunshots, because the so-called adult in the house left a gun out. At the very least, a gun should be kept unloaded, locked away, because kids WILL snoop, and curiosity gets the best of them.