To tell or not to tell?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Children with Special Needs: To tell or not to tell?
I need some btdt and "IMO" advice, please!!!
I register my ds this Thursday and I'm questioning whether or not to tell his third grade teacher about his adhd when we meet him/her. He was dx in first grade and is taking medication. Here's a little history to explain my reasons:
I gave his first grade teacher a heads-up at registration and it ended up being a nightmare with us removing him from the school half way through the year just to get him out of the class and away from the teacher. Ds began having night terrors, bed-wetting, became depressed, and had an upset stomach every morning when it was time to go to school because of what that woman put him through. It took about a month in his new school with a new teacher (who had an ahdh child of her own, btw) for him to come out of his shell and once again be the extremely outgoing, happy child he had always been. The first teacher was a horrible, abusive teacher though so I don't think I can judge all teachers by her.
Second grade I made the decision to not tell the teacher about ds's dx until three months into the school year so that he could get to know ds first and not expect a "problem child" on the very first day. His second grade teacher was wonderful and ds thrived in the class and actually began making honor roll (he's wicked smart, but had never made honor roll before). When I finally told the teacher about ds's dx he told me that he had pretty much guessed early on and had adjusted by giving ds more and more challenging work to keep his mind occupied. I also don't think that ds's second grade teacher is someone I can judge other teachers by because he was, hands-down, the best teacher either of my dk's have ever had! The two years were literally night and day!
So, now we are to third grade. We will not know who his teacher is going to be until we show up at registration. Also, the school is undergoing some major changes because it is dividing this year (a new school has been built, but we are to remain at the old school) and a majority of the old teachers (many I had previous experience with since dd had them) will be moving to the new school and the school we are staying at will have a huge crop of new teachers so I will not know anything about them ahead of time.
SO.....Do I tell the teacher at registration that ds has adhd so that he/she can prepare and knows that my child's sometimes impulsive behavior and inability to sit quietly for long periods of time isn't entirely his fault and with little changes (such as keeping him busy and challenging him) he can be fairly well behaved or do I keep quiet and tell him/her at a later date like I did last year and let the teacher figure it out on their own?
I am naturally inclined to be upfront and honest about his dx (it's just my personality), but my limited experience tells me to keep my mouth shut. Since I had two extremely different experiences, I'm just not sure. If I had known what a wonderful teacher ds's second grade teacher was going to be (I did not know him before last year) I would have told him right away. I actually felt guilty about not telling him for so long.
TIA, both for reading this novel and for any advice and/or opinions you may have.
I've always let Robin's teachers know. I didn't always tell them he was medicated, though. That's really none of their business. I did let the nurse know, though. It's different with the IEP now, though because they pretty much know everything anyway. If I were you I'd probably do like you did last year--wait a few months and see what happens.
Sorry--it's hard to concentrate. The kids are being butts! lol
I would not mention anything at registration. Chances are they already know. However I would schedule a parent/teacher conference after the 2nd week of school. I would then sit down and just say, If you haven't guessed my child has add, we are aware and taking the neccesary steps to help him. However we know he will be most successful if we are a team in this. These are some strategies that I know worked last year. Also just say you want to have open communication, so that if issues arise you can evaluate to see what is going on.
I have done both with teachers, told and didn't told. Our worst year (where we had to move our son) was when I didn't talk with the teacher. I have found the quick conference helped this past year. For a couple of reasons, but teachers can't really use the adhd phrase without some worry of legal action, so they step around it. If you get it out there, they can just be a little more at ease to be honest with you.
Also I think if you go in with a I 'm on your side attitude, and not after and issue has come up, you just get taken a bit more seriously.
Thank you both for your advice and opinions.
We do not have an IEP and do not plan to go that route unless it becomes necessary. I do not believe that anyone currently at the school knows about our ds's dx because both teachers he had in the past have moved to the new school. Very few teachers from last year remain. Most of the teachers this year are new to the school. Also, ds's Rx is a once-a-day pill that he takes in the morning before school so the school nurse doesn't even know about his dx. Should I tell her for any reason even though she will not be giving him any medications?
Since the problem with the teacher in first grade, I have made sure to be very present and active in ds's class and school so that I can keep an eye on things and also to have a closer, working relationship with the teacher. I will be volunteering to be lead room parent again this year, I will come in and read to the class from time to time, and I volunteered to be the school newsletter editor for this year. I am very much an "I'm on your side" type of person because I believe in being a team player for the best results and I will certainly put forth that attitude from the beginning.
I am leaning towards not telling the teacher at registration and I like the idea of scheduling an earlier conference rather than waiting for the one in November to roll around like I did last year.
Stacy, Robin's never taken medication at school, but I always told the nurse what he was on because I thought if anything every happened at school she'd be the one that needed to know. I also always made sure she knew the teachers or anyone else did NOT know and I'd like to keep it that way. By law she can't say anything to anyone. However, I know at our schools all the forms we have to fill out at the beginning of every year ask if there are any dx's or medications, so I don't know who looks at those.
Kaye's idea is a good one. Given your situation that's probably what I'd do.
I agree to wait a few weeks and then schedule a meeting. My son began exhibiting signs toward the end of first grade and was diagnosed near the middle of 2nd. I was friends with his teacher that year and told her he tended to call out and talk too much and she said she could handle that just fine. She was very patient and I think her own child having difficulties with tourettes syndrome helped that virtue. She appreciated knowing what was going on as far as knowing, knowing if we were trying a new med, etc so she knew what to expect and could understand a behavior change. I understand your concern about him being labeled a problem child. Fortunately his teachers have all been great. I do the same with meds as Cat, it's in his health records just in case but he doesn't need to take anything at school. I think it helps to wait too because I'm sure the teachers are bombarded with getting back into work and getting to know their new students right the first few days and that would give them more time to really listen to your concerns.
With both of my girls I have always been upfront with the teachers about them having ADHD but most of the teachers already knew because the teachers the previous year told them. I ALWAYS tell the nurse about the meds because as Cat said if anything should happen she needs to know.
Also giving a new teacher the things that worked last year might be helpful, but I know that some younger teachers (fresh out of school) don't take that well. I might wait a few weeks to tell them that part.
Definately make sure they know you want communication. I have had a horrible time with that in the past and am freaking out about a new school for my youngest this year (middle school).
I know at our school, the teacher fill out a sort of "form" that goes into the childs folder and moves with them to the next years teacher. It gives them just a brief back round on their strengths and weaknesses etc. I also would be letting at least the school nurse know of the medications. If anything were to happen and they can't get a hold of you right away, that is info they need to know.
I will let the school nurse know about ds's medication. I had never really considered in the past that she would need to know.
I do not know about any form that would be sent from one teacher to the other. I guess it's possible, though I would be surprised if they went to all that trouble considering the size of the school (well over 2000 students in a K-5) and we live in a very large metro area where there is a high turn-over of students every year. Even if they do fill out forms, I feel confident, given my experience with ds's second grade teacher, that he would not have written anything negative about ds and he would not have even mentioned adhd because I explained to him that I didn't want the school to know and asked him to keep the info to himself.
We have definitely decided to not say anything and schedule a conference a couple of weeks into the school year. Thanks for helping me see that not saying anything at registration is the right thing to do. I thought it was, but it feels weird to be holding back important information, kwim? I really appreciate all the advice!
UPDATE
Thank you again ladies for the suggestion to wait a couple of weeks and then schedule a conference! Today was the conference with ds's teacher and it was great! Turns out her two stepsons are both dx adhd so she understands where I am coming from. I went in with a "let's work together" attitude and also explained to her that we need to have good communication this year so that we can work together more efficiently. If there is a problem at school and she lets me know about it, I can follow up at home. I also let her know that I wanted to get both the good and the bad so that I can praise and reinforce the good behavior and work on correcting the poor behavior. I have a good feeling about this year. Ds likes his teacher and she seemed very willing to work with me and thanked me several times for coming to her to explain everything, offer advice on what has worked in the past, and for putting forth the effort to make the year better for both her and my ds.
Glad to hear it!
It was written in my ard to have a meeting with my teachers. School starts monday and I haven't heard a word. I am a little frustrated, but I will just set the quickie conference and go in.
It is always nice to hear the teacher was receptive and kind and seems to get where you are coming from!
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