As many of you already know, my two grandsons who are ages three and six both have been identified as special needs kids. The older boy has sensory integrative disorder and something on the autism spectrum, more than likely Aspergers, and the younger boy has not been officially diagnosed yet but appears to have similar issues. The older boy is in the first grade and is academically far above average but well below average in his social skills. We realized many months ago that the three year old was developmentally delayed socially and behaviorally. This school year we got him placed in a pre-k setting mainly for the purpose of working on his social and behavioral skills. Thus far this school year has been an up and down one for the six year old. Academically he continues to excell and overall has presented less behavioral problems in the school setting. The younger boy, who will be four in June, has improved somewhat in regard to his speech but consistently presents a problem in the area of his behavior. He started the year attending two mornings a week but a few weeks ago was increased to three mornings. Now the school is wanting to cut him back to two again, and there has even been some mention of removing him until next school year. At this point his parents will not agree to have him removed, and the only reason they have been able to prevent his removal thus far is because of North Carolina's emphasis on early intervention.

I really try to remain positive about the boys, but some days I just feeling like shutting myself in my room and crying. Today has been one of those days. A little after 9:00 this morning I got a call from the assistant principal asking that I come and pick up the three year old. He had been at school for a little over an hour at that time and was described as having been unmanageable for the entire time. He had run from the classroom, the cafeteria, and every other place they had taken him and had been climbing up on chairs, desks, and even a retaining wall. When the teachers physically restrained him to prevent him from getting hurt, he yelled and tried to hit them. The only time he calmed down was when the other children were taken to an activity away from the classroom and he remained in the room with one teacher waiting for me to come pick him up. His behavior always exacerbates when there is a lot of activity going on around him and improves when there is less activity. It was all I could do to get him to the car for our ride home. I tried to let him walk along beside me, but he was very distracted and was constantly trying to run from me. At home, his behavior calmed considerably, but he was definitely more "hyper" than usual.

As if my morning experience with him wasn't enough, his six year old brother's day ended on a bad note too. He usually takes the school bus to our house after school and stays for thirty to forty-five minutes until his mother picks up him and his brother. Today he got into some difficulty on the bus about half way through the route and was returned to school where his mother is a teacher. It seems that a fourth grader was teasing him, and he hit the boy in the face. It all started because Justin insisted that the fourth grade boy listen to him tell him about a book he was reading and the boy didn't want to listen. If Justin is interested in something, he just cannot seem to understand that other persons may not have the same interest.

I'm feeling a little better after typing this like I usually do when I "vent." For those of you who have taken the time to read this, thank you! It just tends to be so very discouraging at times. I admit that I often wonder why this happened to my grandsons and what caused it. Intellectually I know that I may never have the answers. There is no history of anything similar in either of the parents yet both boys have significant problems. I just worry about what their futures will hold, and I would do anything that I could to help them. I just don't know what to do besides continuing to love them and providing their parents with the support they need.

By Tink on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 08:58 pm:

{{{Joan}}} What a tough situation! I can certainly sympathize with the ASD behaviors and I know how tough it can be when there is no easy answer. Heck, there's no answers sometimes, easy or otherwise. I spend so much time wondering why my son was afflicted, what my dh or I could have done differently, even though I know that second-guessing is never going to change things. I am so impressed with how involved you are with these boys lives. It's obvious how much you love them and how much you hurt because life isn't as easy for them as it is for other kids. Keep your chin up! The more our kids are socialized the better it gets. Feel free to vent anytime. We understand where you are coming from!

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 09:34 pm:

(((Joan))) I don't often comment on your posts about the boys, but I always read them. I can't imagine how hard it is for your whole family, but you do a wonderful job being involved in their care. Your grandsons are lucky to have a Grandma that cares so much! Try to focus on the positives, hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

By Gammiejoan on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 10:28 pm:

Thanks, Cori and Crystal!

By Marcia on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 10:50 pm:

Joan, sorry you guys are going through this.
Just throwing this out there - maybe it's the noise level in the class. Many people with autism have an extremely heightened sense of hearing, and what sounds like a little chatting to us, sounds like a stadium full of people screaming to them.
I also wanted to tell you that loving and supporting the kids and their parents is the best possible thing you could do for them. You're a wonderful grandma!

By Feona on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 05:30 am:

Just somethings we found that help our son. So little helps so that is why I am listing exactly. Also ds sounds alittle similiar.. DS is five years old in preschool.

Heavy vest.
Heavy five pound stuffed turtle from abilitations.com
This heavy stuff is for circle time. I don't think john would be able to be part of the class with out the heavy vest and heavy turtle. They also have him moving heavy stuff around the classroom.

He is very persistant too. (I should hope a scientist or engineer is persistant...)

He was having a problem crying all day at school - When he made a mistake
When he can't sit next to his favorite kids - Tom and Mike.
When he doesn't get the green bike right away in gym.
When the teachers don't call on him fast enough at circle time.
Anytime he doesn't get what he wants when he expect it is his right to get it.


So the seit teacher caught him and other classmates not crying and praised him or others for not crying. It worked wonderful.

I tried it the other day. He was upset because I pushed and elevator button and he really wanted to push the elevator button. (I always forget this) so I quickly said "Wow, it is great you aren't crying. You are doing a great job with that." His little face got bright right away. Worked like a charm.

So little works so I thought I would share that with you.

Did they see an occupational therapist to talk about heavy work like heavy vest or moving heavy objects or heavy marching? To get rid of the extra energy?

We also made a list of thing he should not do at school and we read it every night. I make it funny but pretend crying in loud sounds when I say he shouldn't cry if the teacher doesn't pick on him. He actually can read most of the list now. He picked up alot of sight words doing this too.. I stapled it in his books so I would read it every day.

He actually started not riding the green bike because he became upset if someone else got to it first. He figured out the bike wasn't worth the outburst.

By Feona on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 05:41 am:

https://www.schoolspecialty.com/ordering/ECommerce;jsessionid=BA864C682F332628081F9A850D9CDB9F

There is the heavy turtle.

By Lauram on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 11:53 am:

{{{Joan}}} I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Our week has been very similar- with my oldest son. I'm at the point that I wish people would just understand that the behavior is not intentional. The "big, wide, world" is so cruel sometimes.... I really do know how you are feeling. I'm right there with you!

By Cat on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 12:45 pm:

{{{{{Joan}}}}} I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner! I hope today is going better. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like for my family if Robin were "normal." Well you know what? "Normal" is just a setting on a dryer! Even seemingly normal families and kids have problems. With our kids (your grandkids) we're SO much more in tune with them and their needs than probably most parents and grandparents of "normal" kids because we have to be! You're such a great woman to be there for your grandkids! We don't have family anywhere near us to help, but I'm not sure most of them would be any help anyway. For us, it's probably best we're not near most of them. Another thought--I know God gave me Robin for a reason. I've learned so much from being his mom. If I was given a special needs child to help out other people, so be it. Robin has even questioned why he was born bipolar and ADHD. We've talked about it and I've tried to explain to him that maybe God wants him to help other kids that have problems like his. There are a couple of sayings I like to remember. One is "God never gives us more than we can handle" (sometimes it goes on to "I just wish He didn't trust me so much" lol). The other is "With God, all things are possible, not easy." Lots of prayers and hugs to you and your family. Vent away any time.

By Lauram on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 02:01 pm:

Ditto, Cat. I agree. I also joke all the time that God thinks a lot more highly of me than maybe he should! LOL! These kids are VERY special. My son has taught me so much. Especially how not to prejudge a situation. I'm hurting for him now because I feel so sad for him because his teacher really misunderstands him. I know we'll get through this- we always do-it's just hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I just can't do it anymore. But on other days, I just can't imagine life any other way. I do feel like my child has a special "purpose" too. It's just to soon to figure out what that is....

You'll find the strength, Joan. Some days are just harder than others!

By Gammiejoan on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 02:51 pm:

Thanks to all of you. You are all very special women! God bless you all! Today is going better, but I still feel a little down. The three year old is with me today, and the six year old is at school. I just got a telephone call from my dil regarding a meeting she had about the younger boy and also something another child told her about the bus incident with the six year old. It seems that some of the school staff are saying that we just need to practice better disciplinary techniques with the three year old and his behavior would be better. Oh, well, this type of response is nothing new! We should be accustomed to it by now, but it still hurts. A fifth grade girl was a witness to the bus incident with Justin. She said that Justin had started discussing his book with her and that the fourth grade boy kept interrupting and making fun of him. After asking him for the third time to stop, Justin hit him and the boy hit him back. Of course, Justin is the only one in trouble because he has a reputation for being "out of hand" at times.

Again thanks to all of you for your kind comments and for reminding me that I will find the strength to deal with this.

By Palmbchprincess on Friday, February 11, 2005 - 03:02 pm:

Joan, I'd imagine it's hard for people who don't understand your GSs disorders to think he just needs better discipline. Unfortunately, people tend to be judgemental when they don't understand things. I'm sorry you've encountered such unsupportive staff at the school, hopefully they will take the time to become more informed and understanding.