Suggestions needed
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Children with Special Needs: Suggestions needed
There is a new third grade boy in my son's 3/4 class. He has been diagnosed with some type of behavioral problem. (I know there is an official diagnosis as my son was trying to say it yesterday, but couldn't come up with what it was). He described it like this: The boy cannot grasp the concept of "How would you like it if someone did that to you?". He walks around the class and is disruptive. Also, if someone does something that is funny, this boy will continuously do the same thing, such that it becomes annoying and no longer funny.
I asked my son how he handles it. He said he just avoids him. I feel so sad for this child! He has a double whammy against him. Not only is he a new child coming into a very small tight-knit group. There are a total of 14 third graders in the school, all in the same class. All of the other kids have been together since first grade and most have been together since preschool. It's hard for any child to go into a class like that. But add behavioral issues and my goodness, this boy could end up very lonely!
What do you suggest my son could do to make the situation a little better? I can totally understand him not wanting to be near him, but that is just so sad for this boy. I've thought about just challenging my son to do something nice for him everyday. Perhaps that could grow into something more as he gets to know him.
What do you think?
Challenging him to do something nice for him everyday is a great idea.
Is the dx Asperger's?
Laura, I can't say for sure, but Alec did get "erger" out when trying to remember what was wrong. Do you know anything about it? I'd love to hear any info you may have. 
Laura, I asked Alec after school if it was Asperger's and he said, without hesitation, that yes, that was it. I am going to do a search now to see what I can learn. For now we talked about him doing something nice for him each day. He thought that was something he could do.
Laura, I want to thank you for figuring out the name of what this boy has. I have ordered a few books from Amazon that I hope will help my son (and me!) have a better understanding of what this boy is going through. I've read some pretty sad accounts of kids with this and what they have gone through with their peers. Hopefully this boy will have a more positive school experience.
Asperger's Syndrom(AS) has been mentioned for Robin, but there's no official diagnosis. He has a hard time with social interaction, especially with kids his age. Other kids just don't "get" him, and he doesn't "get" them. It's hard, but he's doing better this year than he has in a long time. He's got a few good friends in the neighborhood that are in his class at school. They all have their own social skills problems, too. They're quite a bunch! lol They kind of remind me of the little rascles! Anyway, I think it's great you're helping your son befriend this child. I'm sure it will be greatly appreciated by not only the child, but his family and the teachers at school. You're promoting understanding, tolerance and acceptance. As the mom of a child with issues that affect friendships, I'd like to personally thank you on behalf of "our" kids. TY
Melanie, I work with kids with Asperger's and it is basically autism without the severe language problems. The social difficulties are the most prevalent thing, but there are other little "quirks" as well. Kids with AS have difficulty assuming another person's POV or responding appropriately in social situations. They often "say it like it is" without filtering social inappropriate remarks (i.e., that dress is ugly, your breath stinks, you have a big zit on your nose) and obviously that makes kids not want to hang around with them. As your DS has noticed, their sense of humor is very immature and undeveloped and they often have personal space/boundary issues and may get too close, hug too often, etc.
Your DS will need to sort of develop a thick skin to befriend this child, but it sounds like he is mature enough to realize that if this child does something inappropriate that he is not doing it on purpose. It would be really cool if your DS could act as sort of an advocate for this child and stick up for him around the other kids. You have a great DS and it is wonderful that he is going to be a special friend to someone who really needs one. Kudos to both of you!!
Thank you so much for your information and your encouragement. I think just having Alec know why this boy acts the way he does will go a long way to giving him the thick skin he may need in being with him. I hope so anyway. I love that I can come to this board with something I know nothing about and be given such useful information to help guide us in the right direction. Thank you.
My oldest son was diagnosed as "pre autistic" at about age 3, and hyperactive. Over the years we have come to realize that he has a mild form of Aspergers. He had a really hard time making friends because he was (and is) so different from most people. Repetitive behavior was certainly a problem, and if Don thought something was funny he would do it over and over. It was not easy to get him to see the other person's point of view, but eventually he did learn to think about how other people would feel about things.
He is by far the nicest person in our family now - we all agree on that. I don't have any tricks for helping this boy - I know I just did a lot of explaining (I often felt I'd like to put myself on a tape loop) and got a lot of help from special ed schools and professionals. I know Don never liked to read fiction and once he got out of school never read fiction again, because, he said, the people in the books weren't behaving logically. It took many years to get him to understand that people don't behave logically in a lot of situations and to expect everyone else to see things the way you do is not going to work.
I think if you can help your son to understand that this boy is not deliberately being unpleasant or difficult, that he really can't help it, that will help your son. It is a sort of a social color-blindness or tone-deaf situation - this boy really cannot understand how other people feel, any more than my youngest, who is blue/green color blind, can tell when he is putting on a green shirt or a blue one unless he marks the labels.
I find this thread incredibly interesting. My nephew has the following diagnoses: ADHD, clinical depression, non-verbal learning disorder, and another I can't remember right now with my foggy brain, that relates to anger.
Jules talks quite a bit about Asperger's since she's studied that and I often wonder if my nephew has it. My sister wasn't receptive to that idea, but based on what you've all said above, I still think it's a possibility.
Pamt, your description fits my nephew to a T. I'm going to do some more reading on this, and follow this board a bit more for information. My nephew has no friends, the other kids don't like him because of the very things said above, adults are easily irritated by him because of the same reasons. He just turned 13 in August, and things seem to be getting no better for him.
Karen, here is the DSM-IV criteria for Asperger's (how conditions like this are diagnosed--there is no "test" for AS):
299.80 Asperger's Disorder
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
B. Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia.
Melanie, I was thinking about this situation a little bit this morning. One way your DS could help this child is by being sort of a social mentor. For example, when this child wanders around class and snatches a pencil from someone's desk, your son could say something like "X that pencil doesn't belong to you. That pencil belongs to Y. Y can't get her work done if she doesn't have her pencil and it makes her feel angry/worried/sad...whatever." OR the child keeps repeating something funny over and over and DS says "X that was really funny to say "smooth move" when Y tripped over his shoelaces and dropped his books, but nothing like that has happened again, so it's not as funny to say it right now and it sometimes annoys people." This would obviously require some role-playing with you and feeling this child out a little, but most kids with AS wouldn't be offended by your DS pointing these things out. It would just be a matter-of-fact, "Oh I didn't know that." They really need someone to help navigate the world of social contact so generally they are no less offended by social tips (even blunt ones) than you would be if you were lost, someone sensed it, and gave you directions to get you headed the right way.
Oh, gosh, I'm just getting back here. Glad I could help pinpoint the dx. Pam and the others have good info about it. I know a mom with an Asperger's child, but I've never met her son (who is now 20 and in a college that provides extra support). A lot of kids are getting an Asperger's dx lately, especially in the Silicon Valley...something about super smart people making babies perhaps?? Who knows. I know it's being studied.
My friend's son did not care if he had friends or not. He was in his own world and had his own intense interests. Last year he actually had a girlfriend so it must be getting better for him as he gets older. His mom had to send him off to an Emotional Growth Boarding School when he was in middle school as he was extremely difficult at that age.
Your son has a good heart, Melanie!
Melanie, My son was dxed with autism 2 years ago and we are looking at getting it changed to Aspergers' because the language is less of an issue now and he is very high-fuctioning. Pam's idea of a social mentor is a great idea if your son is up for it. My ds does get his feelings hurt when people point out that he is doing something inappropriate so it may have to be done carefully but it could make a huge difference in how he acts and how he is seen by the other kids in his class. My ds desperately wants to have friends and is hurt when kids ignore him but those social cues just fly right over his head. Having it spelled out simply and logically makes it so much easier for him. Give your ds a hug from us. You are raising a great kid!
Thank you all for your thoughts!! Pam, I will definitely have conversations with Alec about your suggestion. Laura, it's interesting that you say that your friend's son didn't care if he had friends or not. I asked Alec the other day if anyone plays with him at recess and he said no, but he looks like he's having fun anyway doing his own thing. But even so, I think all the kids in the class need to find a way to reach out to him in some way. I am hoping to meet his mom soon and maybe I can learn more and get some suggestions from her for some things that may work well. It's also interesting that you mentioned Silicon Valley-did you know that's where we live? I hope Alec is up for being a social mentor as Pam suggested. He's never had a peer like this, so it's completely foreign to him. What a great opportunity to learn about people who see the world in a different way! And Ginny, Alec and I did have a conversation about the boy not intentionally being difficult. I could see in his face that he really processed that and I think it made a difference.
I can't thank you all enough for your insight on this matter. You've all given Alec and I a great start for coming to understand this boy!
No, I had no idea that's where you lived! Wow! If you do a search on Aspergers and Silicon Valley I bet you come up with some hits. I've read about the studies in the newspaper.
Sounds like the little boys is
desperately
trying to make friends but doesn't know how.
He is trying to get some attention too (next best thing to a friend)
I think you can have Aspergers and want to have friend but not know how to. I think someone who doesn't want a friend is someone who failed so many times they gave up on having a friend. Why risk the disappointment? Alot of adults are like that never mind aspergers.
I just want to give a quick update.
Since starting this post I have met the little boy. Let me just say that he is just the cutest little guy! He's so happy, always smiling and singing. And so smart! He's just a neat kid.
He's struggling a bit, of course, with the social stuff. The kids in the class are nice to him but I think there have been a few issues when he is out on the playground with kids from the other classes. Nothing major, but some issues.
His teacher told me she felt like he had a huge breakthrough a couple days ago. (Here comes my little brag! LOL). My son played chess with him during free time, and they had fun together. My son was cute though. He said the boy has one weakness playing chess. He says what his strategy is out loud. LOL.
Unfortunately, the boy is moving. Hopefully he will move to a district that has better resources to work with him than we have. We are a small, one-district school and we don't have many kids with special needs. He actually is the only one to this level. (We have kids with various LD's here, of course, but nothing extreme like this particular child). I hate to see him go, but I think my son and the other kids have learned a lot from him.
Thank you again for all your thoughts. It really helped to be able to talk to all of you!
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