A Vent Regarding Grandson
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Children with Special Needs: A Vent Regarding Grandson
As some of you know, my 6 y/o gs has a variety of issues including sensory integrative dysfunction and other disorders not officially diagnosed (perhaps something on the autism spectrum or perhaps Aspergers). He has some definite obsessive compulsive characteristics. As is fairly common with this type child, we are constantly having to deal with persons who view him as a "bratty," undisciplined child who has been made this way by poor parenting techniques. He has a very high i.q., which really is of no help when it comes to how others perceive him. This just makes them hold fast all the harder to their belief that he has the ability to control his behavior.
Well, we have been fairly pleased recently with how he has been getting along. We have seen a definite reduction in some of his negative behaviors. He has had fewer "melt downs" and has not been as disruptive.
Last night he had a little league ball game. His mother could not be there, but his grandfather and I were there along with his dad. We sat directly behind his team's dugout and could see everything that was going on. Let me say one thing before I go any further. My husband coached little league teams for years, and we both realize that it is not an easy task. We have a great deal of respect for anyone who helps out as a coach or in any other helping capacity. That said, let me just say that what I viewed last night upset me so much that I didn't sleep well; and when I think about it this morning, I just feel like crying. There is a young woman who helps out with the team while they are on the bench. She makes sure that they bat in the correct order and that they behave appropriately. My dil spoke with her before Justin started playing ball to explain to her about his behaviors. The first game of the year he got upset, and this young woman sent him to sit with his parents for one inning until he calmed down. Since then, we had thought he was doing fine. Well, last night I saw first hand that things have not been going well. This woman was on Justin's case constantly. She was constantly calling him down for what I considered to be very minor infractions. In fact I saw two or three other children doing some of the same things he was doing without any correction at all. The poor child could not sit still enough to suit her. If he stood up for a second he was yelled at. He was not allowed to swing his legs out in front of him, to speak to the child next to him, or even to encourage his team mates while they were at bat. On one occasion, she made him leave the bench and sit on the ground behind the bench. Of course, this drew attention to him which did not sit well with me. On one occasion she put her hands on him in a gruff manner because he wasn't following her directions fast enough. I was proud of him because he didn't react negatively to her touching him this way. There have been times when this would have caused him to react in a very negative manner. When the game ended, he was standing on third base. When he came off the field and started gathering up his ball gear to leave, he couldn't find his bat and she scolded him for not keeping up with it. Well, it turned out that another child had picked it up by mistake. I guess the thing that upset me most about the entire evening was the expression on her face every time she looked at him. I don't think I am exaggerating at all to say that it was very obvious by her facial expression that she does not like him at all. She probably resents that he is even on the team. Even now I can't help but have tears rolling down by cheeks as I think about it. I love this child with all my heart, and it really hurts to know that there are a lot of people like her and that he will have to endure things like this from now on. While I felt like complementing him last night on his behavior and his restraint, she viewed him in any entirely different light.
Well, thanks to those of you who have read my vent. I'm really not looking for any suggestions although I'd be glad to read them if you have any.
I'm sorry that that happened. Sounds awful. I've come to realize that my son is not a "normal" kid. I can't put him in Little LEague and hope for the best. I can't put him in camp, church school, anything, unless I am actively involved. I either have to be the coach myself, or attend everything and educate the person in charge (more exhausting than doing it myself). My son does take karate, but he's fine there (I watch to make sure though). He also does swim team, but the coach REALLY gets him and her brother has Tourette's so she knows how to handle him. Team sports don't work- because they are generally run by volunteers. Anyhow, it took me a long time to come to terms with this, but as it is now, life is less stressful now that I've made my peace with it. Good Luck!
Laura, I agree that things would be less stressful if Justin didn't participate in baseball. He does seem to enjoy it, though, and is as skilled as any of the other 6 y/olds on the team. He comes from a family of athletes. His dad went to college on a baseball scholarship and his mom on a basketball scholarship. His dad would really like for him to play baseball. Until a couple weeks ago all of the games were on Saturdays, and his mom was able to attend. She watched him closely and was very involved in what was going on. Due to a conflict with the coach, the games had to be changed to Tuesdays. My dil can't attend now because she is working on getting her Masters Degree. I don't know what decision they will make about Justin and the baseball team, but I do know that they are discussing all the options.
I am so sorry that you and your grandson are having to deal with this ignorant, intolerant person. So many of the people that we have had to talk to about my son have been open and understanding about his issues, which are minor. We know that we are very lucky in this respect. I have heard, over and over again, about small-minded people like this woman that think that they have the right to treat our kids this way. Is there any way for your son to "help" out in the dugout, like she is, and be able to monitor your grandson's behavior? She might be more likely to leave it to your son to "handle" his son. If your son has a baseball background, it shouldn't look unusual for him to help out. {{{you and your grandson}}}
I like your suggestion, Cori, but the problem is that because of his job my son cannot always be there for the games. He works at a golf course and most days doesn't get home in time to come to the games. Maybe he can see if there is any way that his work schedule can be changed.
My heart just broke when I read your post. That woman should be shot!
How did your grandson handle it all? Was he upset? Did he notice? Maybe base your actions on how he reacted?
You know if it is really bad and they are thinking about taking him off anyway. Then you can't make it worse.
I would confront her on the phone(if I was going to remove him anyway). I would tell her everything you said.
How the other kids are doing the same thing and she is picking on your grandson. How some people discrimiate against people who get have minor problems. (great word to use - discrimitate)
I would also ask her if she hates him, because she seems to be acting that way. You grandson will probable surpass her kids in so many ways in a few years, so I wouldn't worry about her insanity.
People look shocked when you mention that some people discriminate against your son. (scared and shocked) It really is a great word and it is so true too.
I find a few people want to discriminate against my son due to the services he gets. People want him to be fail and be bad and label him (to justify in their mind why he gets the extra attention and services) and there are kids in the class (who don't get any services who are really 5 times worse!)
Life is grand ain't it.
Annie, you know one of the things that surprised me most about this was Justin's reaction or should I say lack of reaction. Usually his behavior gets much worse when someone uses any of the methods that she did. For some reason unknown to me, he remained calm and nonconfrontational. There was little or no arguing with her, and he says that he still wants to play ball. I know that I will have a difficult time enjoying future games because I will be watching her too closely.
Feona, I really wanted to say something to her the other night but didn't want to cause a scene. I hesitate to call her about it because I really feel that it should be his parents' decision to take whatever action is taken.
Thanks to those of you who have responded. I am feeling a little better about it now.
Yes, you are right it should be the parents decision to take action. Just burns me the wrong way.
Discrimination and prejudice - pre judging. That is what it is.
Maybe instinctively he knew that he could prove this woman wrong by his good behavior OR it could be like a friend of mine who has an autistic child, she keeps him on a very short leash and he responds so well to him. I have often thought sometimes she was a little harsh, but he does react so well.
Oh gosh, this just irks me.
My son had a reading teacher who didn't like him AT ALL when he was in 1st grade. It was so obvious to both of us. She was EVIL. Course, the principal did nothing about it. My son wondered why the reading teacher didn't like him. I told him to ask her, Why do you hate me, Ms. Smith? Why are you so mean to me? You know, put her on the spot. He asked her. She ignored him, but at least it was in her brain.
Late in the school year, when my son was so OVER her, he told her to kiss his a$$. He was sent to the office over it. I thought it was a typical response to being treated like crap all year.
Course a year later, my son was dx with multiple LDs and this lady's reading program was totally inappropriate for my son's issues and his inability to read had nothing to do with him being lazy, like the reading teacher kept saying.
With all this stuff in the media about adults mistreating kids in youth sports, maybe you can campaign to get this lady kicked out. Take a video camera and record her! Maybe your grandson is not reacting to her bec he's become used to it. Maybe it's been going on awhile.
I learned I can't have my son in organized sports. I tried once when he was 7. Most people were very nice and understanding, but a few weren't. Sports were already so competitive in 1st grade and WINNING was everything and my child's difficulties jeapordized WINNING.
Oh and one more thing. My son was at a b-day party where the mom kept calling his name and Stop that... and Don't do that... and Move over... and Quit That... and saying his name and no one else's even though all the other kids were doing the exact same things. I couldn't believe it. Then I overheard her telling her husband that she didn't know the names of any of the other kids, just my son's name bec they were friends at daycare. All the other kids were daycare kids and she didn't know their names to yell at them! I was still mad and that was the last time I let my son socialize with that kid outside of daycare and then, thankfully, they went off to different kindergartens. Course, that mom was a teacher by profession, too. Think she would know better and understand that other people listening keep hearing the same child being reprimanded or called down over and over and that gives that child a reputation or the implication that the child is a behavior problem.
I'm so sorry your grandson has to put up with yet another ignorant person. There are SO many people out there that just don't understand. And it's just amazing how many of them work with kids on a regular basis! I don't know if I'd confront her or not. That's not really my style (I avoid confrontation if at all possible). I'd probably try to educate instead. I know when Robin was first dx'd bipolar I printed out a bunch of stuff and took it to the school for the teachers and staff. They were totally clueless. I hope you get this worked out. Vent away any time.  Hugs.
Hi Joan
I am reading through your old messages, Are they still running tests on your grandson for a diagnosis? I read your heartbreaking story about the woman at Little league that is horrible another "adult" would act like that but I have a neighbor like that and it is so obvious he has a problem with my son I called him on it one day and gave him an article on Autism, I did not see him outside for a while but now he has a new found respect for my son when he is out, most people are ignorant and blame the parents right away but like I always say, "Dont involve yourself unless your ready t hear it. I have given a few people a piece of my mind now I've learned kindness goes along way. Bless you and grandson
Natalie
Hi Joan
I am reading through your old messages, Are they still running tests on your grandson for a diagnosis? I read your heartbreaking story about the woman at Little league that is horrible another "adult" would act like that but I have a neighbor like that and it is so obvious he has a problem with my son I called him on it one day and gave him an article on Autism, I did not see him outside for a while but now he has a new found respect for my son when he is out, most people are ignorant and blame the parents right away but like I always say, "Dont involve yourself unless your ready t hear it. I have given a few people a piece of my mind now I've learned kindness goes along way. Bless you and grandson
Natalie
Have you considered the Special Olympics? My son has participated for years in swimming, golf and bowling. Folks there are very aware of each child's personality and behavior issues. It's a breath of fresh air to be able to have my child participate and not have to explain all the time.
Natalie, Justin hasn't undergone any further testing. The last recommendation was that he be tested at a center about an hour's drive from here that specializes in Aspergers Syndrome. His parents opted not to go that route because their insurance wouldn't cover it, and it is very expensive.
Wendy, Justin's parents haven't considered Special Olympics for him. Skills wise he is performing at or above the ability of the other children on his ball team. His parents want him to continue with the team for this season. He had a game tonight, and there is only one more left. I do think that Special Olympics is a wonderful thing, though.
I think bill gates might have aspergers syndrome.(rumour) He will be fine.
I've heard that, too. I wonder if he's been diagnosed or if that is just based on how he acts.
Feona/Tink
I was told he was HFA by a lady at the school district also the rate of autism in Silicon Valley is astronomical and they dont know why?
Bill Gates sounds like a good role model hopefully our children follow in his foot steps.
Natalie
I wouldn't be surprised about the autism rate in silicon valley. I told the school district. How can you expect my son to be like an therapist kid. My husband is an engineer (left brained) I am a former computer programmer (left brained.) Of course we got married because we have similiar interests.
Of course my son is left brained! (math and art) vs (right brained - speech and something else... social skills?)
Austism is left brained too. Just alittle more so.
I wonder if sometimes our kids that are a little outside the box are that way because our box has gotten too small. Yes the incidence seems to be higher in the silicon valley. The theory is a lot of people who work there have social issues, just part of the job, autism, at least aspergers is completely a social retardation, so lets see you take two parents who are risk takers, think croc hunter and you get a child who loves crocs, you take two that are a little socially awkward and you get a child who has some social issues. I do not think bill gates is diagnosed, but people do say he has social skill issues. I think one of the defining characteristic has to do with your social skills hindering normal developing relationships and affecting school work, etc. Well Bill gates obviously has had a wife and number two on the way and he is very successful, so although he may have some "autistic tendancies" I would doubt that he is labeled because is just hasn't controlled his life. I think it is very important with our children who are a little "off" which is how I refer to my son (out of earshot..lol) is to not let them think it is okay. I expect more of my son than he is comfortable, but I do that with my typically developing children too, you don't just let it be a crutch. As far as the baseball, I agree you stick it out and big yuck on the coach, but yeah for the kid.
As my husband says, he learned to cope or deal with alot of his issues himself. You learn to cope. For example, he is can't take hearing the radio in the car and driving (too many distractions) So we leave the radio off.
Anther coping issue.
Having trouble working for a organization? Start own business.
I don't think anyone uses the word retardation any more. That word kind of hurts. They use the word social developmental delay. I think it is more accurate because it is a social delay that can be directly taught. Teach direct social skills.
How to make small talk. greetings. how? what? or why questions? Ect.
Joan,
I'm sorry your grandson had to deal with this lady and I'm sorry you were upset. I think this was a triumph for him though. He kept his cool, played the game and didn't lash out. That is wonderful!
Rather than thinking of taking him out, might you or his mom or dad be able to talk to the coach - not the helper - about what happened? Perhaps the coach can get her to stop "picking" on your grandson - because that's what it sounds llike she's doing.
Ame
Feona, sorry if I offended you with the word retardation. I am a special ed teacher understand that the diagnosis is a developmental delay, but that is not what I was trying to explain. The word retard means to slow, I was using it in that context, not with an intent to diagnose.
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