It will be 2 yrs on July 24th scince my Kristoffer went to Heaven. This morning I checked the mail and there was another reminder of the toddler I don't have. There were some coupons from Huggies saying "now that you child is ready to be potty trained we have sent you some coupons to help you out." I have called them many times asking them not to send me anything and went into detail why. He was due New Years Eve 2002 and last December I got a thing for a First Birthday cake. As you can tell I am not haveing a good day and it just upsets me that I let stupid stuff like this get to me. It's just a matter of days now until the annaversary of his leaveing me and I was kinda ok untill I checked the mail. Can anyone tell me how to handle this when it happens because I am takeing EVERYTHING personal now. My friend has 2 kids and my son was being bad yesterday and she said "well at least you only have one to deal with." Well I said "Ya know I would'nt gripe one bit if I had 2, but I guess that just isn't in the stars for me now is it!" Then I hung up on her. She never called back. I know she won't hold it against me because I have snapped like this before and she gives me a few days then calls me and says "are you done now?" And everything is ok. I just want to be less sesative. I don't know what is going on with me. Some days I wish someone would commit me to a hospital for a few days where they could pump me full of stuff that will make me forget about everything for just a few days. I know that is running away but I just don't know how much more a person can handle. Anyway thanks for letting me loose it for a bit.

By Marg on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 07:15 pm:

(((Kristie)))

I am so sorry. I have never lost a child, but I have lost everyone in my family except my dad, my nephew, dh and dks. With mom passing away over two years ago, it's like a roller coaster. I have good days and I have very bad days.

However, I know they are both in heaven right now and that is how God gives me peace.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 07:47 pm:

(((Kristie))) it is hard to get those flyers & things. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I think maybe you do need to find some one to talk to. I know you said you can't afford it, but can you affrod not to? You can e-mail me anytime. Maybe we should try to set up a place we could meet sometime soon.

By Truestori on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 11:00 pm:

Kristie,

I am sorry you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. Is there anyone that can lend a shoulder to cry on?
How is your husband handling this? Can he help you get through this?

It might be nice for you and Emily to meet in person, its always nice to meet another mom that is willing to listen, it can help a great deal.
I hope that your healing begins to happen so you don't feel like you just want to run away. Take care of yourself. Many ehugs

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 09:07 am:

I'm sorry too. I know there are no words to make you feel better or make you forget your son. Many hugs to you.

By Kristie on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 01:04 pm:

Thanks everyone. There just seem to be those days where everything reminds you of what you don't have. Dh is awsome but like he says, he dosen't know exactly how I feel because he didn't have to do what I did. I do have one friend that lives in Casper that had about the same miscarriage experiance as me but when they did the tests on her baby afterwards they told her he had Downs Syndrome. She sees he loss as a blessing because the baby isn't suffering. She also had 3 kids after wards. She helped at first but she didn't grieve as long as I have been. Don't get me wrong, I have good days, I have good months! It's just getting close to the day it happened and I'm probley letting more get to me than I should. Next time you come to town Emily I wpuld love to meet you. After all we are the only ones from here, we should meet. I will e-mail you soon. I did once but thats when I was first messing with this computer & I might not have done it right. Hugs back to everyone who posted. I knew I could loose it here and have your support!!

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 01:14 pm:

(((HUGS)))

I have an angel child in Heaven as well. Is there another event that you could keep your thoughts on as that time comes so you don't feel the pain as much? DD was born 2 days before my 1st childs due date so I think of her birthday and all the good thoughts to keep my mind preoccupied.

You can always come here to vent. More (((HUGS)))

By Kristie on Thursday, July 1, 2004 - 09:07 am:

Melissa, I wish that there was something else going on around that time that could get my mind off of that day but there isn't. Well usless you want to count that my #@* brother and his #&* wife got married on that day. On that exact day, as I was haveing my baby that had already passed away they were saying their vows!! Not in church, they went to to court house and yet they just couldn't postpone it because it had been planned scince 6 months earlier when she found out she was pregnant! As you can tell I don't like her very much and because I have made my feelings known my brother and I don't hardly speak. She came into my Hospital room all pregnant and stood by my bed (knowing I can't stand her) and had the guts to say "well we better go get ready for our wedding, so I hope you feel better." Like I had the flu or something. My mom had to hold me down cuz All I was thinking was "let me just hit her once, her face isn't pregnant." Obviously I had a lot of anger toward her. So every year I get to hear from my mom that it's their annaversary and I tell my mom they will never get a thing from me on that day. It is my baby Kristoffers birthday and we celabrate it.
I have been good the past 2 days. I guess the way to handle it is one day at a time. There are days where I'm mad and the next day is fine. I feel crazy at times but my dh says that if I was completely sane I wouldn't be the woman he fell in love with. Funny huh. Thanks guys for listening to me. Your all wonderfull!!

By Marcia on Thursday, July 1, 2004 - 12:24 pm:

Kristie, what you are feeling is completely normal. The birth and death days, as well as holidays, are always tough to handle. Be easy on yourself.
I read a great book called "I'd Rather Laugh". The author lost her son, and she tells how she deals with it in the book. When she feels down, she rents every sad movie that was ever made, and stays in bed and cries until she has no more tears. Then she rents the funniest movies, and laughs herself silly. Her emotion is so real, and exactly what every bereaved parent experiences.
Sending you some gentle hugs.

By Kristie on Thursday, July 1, 2004 - 12:54 pm:

That is kinda what I do. I pull out pictures, ultra sounds, his rememberance book, and hold his urn. When I get all the tears out I feel better. It works for me but my mom says I need to quit tourchering(sp) myself and spread he ashes, burn the pictures and stop writeing letters to someone who is no longer here and technically wasn't "really" here to begin with. In my family my dh is the only one who comes remotely close to how I feel, and is the first one to say "just cry if you need to." Thats why I think that I'm still greiveing over him, because No one besides my husband will let me greive or even talk about him with out some stupid comment comeing out if their mouths. I am so glad I found this web sight because FINALLY SOMEONE GETS WHAT I FEEL!!! And not just one person, a bunch of people. You guys are helping more than I can put into words cuz your acknowledeing Kristoffer as a person and not just a fetus that didn't grow. I hope no one gets tired of me talking about him. The last thing I want is sympathy, I just like the support because as you can tell I only get it from one person and its nice to hear from other women who have felt what I feel. I hope one day I can get to acceptance like so many of you have. Thank You!!

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, July 1, 2004 - 03:21 pm:

(((HUGS))) This is truly one of the greatest sites and you will find nothing but support and friendship here. You can talk about him all you want, we'll always have listening ears!

By Hol on Thursday, July 1, 2004 - 07:13 pm:

Oh, Kristie, I SO-O-O know how painful those reminders can be. About six months after my DS passed away, I got a call from the billing dept of the hospital where he died. The person cheerily asked if "Daniel -----" was there. I said, "WHO, please?" They asked again, and I said, "Daniel ----- is deceased. In fact, he passed away in YOUR hospital!" There was dead silence on the other end, then the man said, "I'm SO SORRY!". Then I directed him to contact the Air Force, as they were responsible for his medical coverage. (Why they didn't call his widow, I don't know).

I have also received credit card offers in his name, even though he hadn't lived with me for two and a half years before he died. However, each insensitive reminder, even if it is unintentional, still cuts to the bone, so I KNOW how you feel.

I disagree with your Mom, and I am surprised that a woman and a Mom, could make such suggestions. Don't scatter his ashes, unless SOMEDAY you feel that that is what you WANT to do. NEVER burn the ultrasound pictures. They are a record that he was here for a little while. Keep writing the letters to him. Not only does it send out love that he can feel, but it is VERY therapeutic for YOU!! My Mom made a similar comment, about me "getting on with my life". She had NO CLUE what she was talking about.

I can tell that you are still in the acute stages of grieving. The fact that it comes in "waves" of good days and bad days. Our church secretary lost her nineteen y/o son lost Fall, very unexpectedly. We talk quite often. The other day, I said that those "first" days are hard. The first Mothers Day, the first birthday, the first death anniversay day, etc. She said that even small things. like hearing a particular song in the supermarket. I KNOW!! Been there, done that.

It is still soon for you. It took me almost five years before I wasn't consumed with thoughts of Dan all the time. I am a hairdresser/cosmetologist by profession. The first couple years, I worked doing facials in a dermatologist's office. Anyone and everyone who came in for a facial heard about Dan. I look back now, and I know that it must have been a really depressing experience to have a facial done by me at that time. (That could be why several of my clients never rebooked after the first time).

I couldn't help it. He was all I was able to think about or focus on. Oh, like you, I had my good days. I was still able to spend time with my DD and my DH. However, they were grieving, too, in a different way, so they didn't understand either.

Trust me, it WILL get better, but it hasn't been that long for you. And Kristoffer was not a fetus, he was a little boy. YOUR little boy. He STILL is, and always will be, but he now resides in a different place.

I wish you peace. I have sent you my email address if you ever want to contact me. (((HUGS)))

By Colette on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 09:37 pm:

(((kristie))) I hope you find peace.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 - 01:34 am:

I hate that term fetus. I wanted my babies, they were babies to me not just tissue. They had a heart that beat, they were growing in side me. People can be so cruel, its hard for those that have never lost a child to understand.
Kristie you will find peace, sometimes it just takes a little longer.
Go do something on the 24th that will celebrate him, not just mourn him.

By Kristie on Saturday, July 17, 2004 - 06:25 pm:

I want to warn you before you read this I am very mad and not myself but I need to vent and I always feel better after I vent here. The sister in law that I mentioned before just called me. She asked me if I heard the news. I said no. Then she tells me she's pregnant. (why she called and not my brother is beyond me, she knows I can't stand her) I didn't say anything because I didn't have anything nice to say. Then she says in these exact words " I think this will be good for you because on the 24th you can celebrate the start of your neice or nephews life INSTEAD of morning the death of your baby"! I went off on her. I tlod her first of all my baby has a name, secound of all I will celebrate Kristoffer on that day and won't do anything INSTEAD of that! I told her she was the most unthoughtful person I have ever met and its bad enough she left my hospital room that day saying "hope you feel better, may-be we'll come over after we get married" but now you have to call me and say this. I have made it VERY clear to her and my brother that I can't stand her, I don't think my brother was home cuz I know he wouldn't have had her call me. She always p#%%$^& me off like this when she is pregnant and I can't knock her on her butt!!! I am not typicaly a violent person. I am 5'3" and weigh 96lbs. But she really brings it out in me and I am not going to take the high road with her any more. I have 9 months to think about how good its gonna feel to just hit her once. I mean really, she is begging me to do it, I might as well grant her wish!! Someone try to calm me down because when she says this stuff to intentionaly hurt me all I can think is "your face is not pregnant". No I would never hit a pregnant person but the words still pop in my head. All I know is she HAS TO stay away from me and I have to go to a family bar-b-que on the 25th for my grandma and she will be there. That whole week end is gonna suck anyway and now I have this to deal with! HELP!!!!!!!