Can't stop grieving
Moms View Message Board: Youngest Angels: Can't stop grieving
I lost my son when I was 18 weeks along. This was on July 24,2002. I can't stop thinking about why he had to die.I have a 5yr old also and I know I need to be happy that I have him but all I can do is wounder why. A we ever got from the Dr. is "sometimes these things happen". That just dosen't help. Thats why I joined this is cuz it seems like there are people here who I can talk to. If any one has any advice besides therapy I would love to hear it.
You will always grieve for your baby. You will always wonder what might have been. Why did it have to happen. It will get better with time though. You have a little one that needs you, hold on to that. I lost my first baby Oct. 15, 1996 and my ds twin Jul 2001, I am a mess those days. I am thankful that I have 2 beautiful children to hold onto now. I celebrate them daily.
Email me, I will be here for you. I am from Gillette, WY.
A gratitude journal helps me. I need to start one again. Just start writing down 10 things a day that you are thankful for. Even if it's a roof over your head and the air you are breathing. You will start to look at things more closely. You will focus more on what you have, instead of what you lost. I just had my 3rd miscarriage 2 weeks ago, and I understand the loss you feel. It gets better, but never really goes away. I just try to keep my focus on what I have, especially my 3 year old DD. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope it gets better for you.
I guess hanging on to the grief is my way of remembering him. There is really no good memories of my pregancy. I started bleeding 1 week after I found out I was pregnant. I was on bed rest for 9 weeks and never quit bleeding. Now I only weigh 96lbs and am 5ft 2in. I became anemic & depressed cuz I couldn't play with my ds. When I lost him I didn't just bleed, they had to induce me and I actually had to give birth. To this day I wish I could block that whole experienc out. After I gave birth my blood pressure dropped to 82 over 50 and I felt at such peace until my husband slapped me to get me to come to. There were drs. all around me & I guess I scared everyone bad. We do have pictures that I try my hardest not to look at all the time. His urn is on our dresser so at least I have his body. So I guess I feel that if I quit greiving that that means I'm not remembering him. Crazy I know. Iv'e tried keeping a gratitude jurnal but I wrote the same things every day & I didn't feel it was helping. I am sorry for loss Eve. I got my tubes tied because I was too afraid that I would loos another baby. Plus I found out at my post natal apt after the miscarrige that I have pre-cervical cancer cells and I just couldn't take any more.
Kristie-I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I can feel your pain in your words. I don't think you will ever forget your son. I think it's also ok for you to give yourself permission to keep on living and to be happy again. I don't know your beliefs, but I believe that your son is in a good and happy place and that you will be reunited someday.
I never, ever think that counseling is a bad idea. If you are still feeling depressed, I would seek out someone to talk to. (Of course you can always find someone here.) I think also a low dose antidepressant could help too. It sounds like you really want to work through your grief. Sometimes we just need a little help. Is there a support group in your area? I know, my Dr. was really good about suggesting those kinds of things to me. I hope that helps some. I know, there is not much I can say to make it better for you. I'm thinking of you though. ((hug))
Well as far as the counseling thing goes we can't afford it. My husband and I live paycheck to paycheck and we hardly ever have money left over after all the bills are paid and food is bought. But at least I get to stay home and take care of our son. My dr put me on zoloft for awhile than when I called him for a refil he said he could no longer help me with "this problem" and I need to seek proffesional help for someone who handles "mental disorders". Nice huh. There are groups here that help with general greif but none with this type of loss. I just read the things that I posted and I sound like a basket case. I am doing really good right now and there are weeks I go without crying. I also believe Kristoffer is in Heaven and dosen't want his mommy to be sad. I have the best Guardian Angel anyone could ask for. And I do believe he is around me. That gives me comfort. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.((hug back)) You are in mine also!!
Kristie Wyoming has mental health services that go by your income. If you can not afford to pay they won't make you. I think maybe you do need to find a different doctor. No wonder the price of malpractice insurance is sky high in WY, we need better doctors!
You & Eve are both in my prayers.
Ive called the Wyoming Behavorial Institute here and the Counseling Center. Even though they go by your income they go by gross and that is not even close to what we bring in. My hubby pays child support and they don't take that into consideration. I am normally really good, its just now I'm counting down the days until the 2yr anaversary so I'm all messed up because of that. I agree about finding a diffrent doctor though. Theres a new lady in town and my best friend has been going to her and she just deilvered her baby 2 months ago and she said she is way good. She dosen't gripe about makeing payment arrangements and knows what your going through being there cuz she is a woman. So I'm gonna check her out.
Kristie, I am SO sorry about your little Kristoffer. However, he IS in Heaven and you WILL see him again. He IS your little angel.
I lost my first child to a miscarriage in 1969, when I was 21. My husband was away in the military, and I had no one to talk to either. My DD was born in 1972, and my DS in 1976.
In 1997, I lost my DS. He was twenty years old. I thought that I would NEVER feel normal again. I have always been a devout Christian, but when I lost Dan, Christianity alone did not have all of the answers that I sought. I immersed myself in reading everything I could about many religions and philosophies. I have come to some conclusions that make sense to me, tho I realize that many will disagree with me.
I now believe that we were ALL created when God created the Heavens and the Earth. I believe that we CHOOSE when to come to Earth, and that we come many times, so that our soul can learn and progress. We choose our parents, our gender, our race, etc.. God, being a loving Father, gave us free will, and our choices are a result of that.
I believe that we already "know" the course that our life is going to take. That is why we sometimes meet someone, or go somewhere that seems strangely familiar, with no "known" explanation. I believe that some choose to come as disabled or homeless people, to teach the rest of us compassion. This explanation makes more sense than seeing a really unfortunate person, and saying, "How could a loving God let that happen?". It is by that person's choice. Also, maybe they have karma to work through.
I have come to believe that we enter our embryonic body at some point in our mother's pregnancy. The Buddha's mother said that she KNEW the moment that her baby's soul entered its body. I also believe that we are given several "exit points" in our life, so that if this earthly life becomes too painful, we can opt to go "home". I have had a few of them in my lifetime, with serious illnesses, auto accidents, etc.. (Again, a provision given to us by a loving God). I know a woman who lost both of her children within two years of each other. Her son was stabbed to death in a fight, and her daughter died from leukemia. They were both teen-agers. This lady told her husband, "I love you, Max, but if I have a chance to go be with the kids, I'm going to take it". They went on a vacation to Puerto Rico. They were in a taxi that rolled down an embankment. There was another couple in the taxi with them. It was a very minor accident, and three of the four people were uninjured. She died in the accident. The other couple were Jewish, and they SWEAR that they saw Jesus in the car at the moment that Kathy died. I truly believe that life without her kids was just too unbearable for her anymore, and God granted her an "out", if you will.
When my son passed, he had a heart attack in a car, and stopped breathing. My daughter was driving. She drove straight to the hospital, where they intubated him, and worked on him for twenty minutes, because he still had brain activity for a while. My daughter said that she could FEEL his presence around her. After twenty minutes, he was pronounced dead. I honestly believe that during that time, Jesus showed him his future, or the future of his family, and he made the decision to leave. Only he and God know why. Maybe he was facing a long illness, heartache... I don't know. I also know that we probably would not have adopted our two youngest DS's, that we adopted five years after Dan passed. One of our boys is named Michael.He was born in 1988. When Dan was about three years old, (1979), he had an "imaginary friend". When I would ask what his name was, he'd say "Michael". My husband just had triple bypass surgery, and he told me that IF he had a chance to go to Heaven, and be with Dan, that he'd take it. That he hoped I understood, and I did. Part of the surgery is, that they stop your heart, and put you on a heart-lung machine. DH said that he never saw Dan or Jesus, but SOMEONE'S voice kept saying, "Michael", "Michael". DH pulled through the surgery and came back. He said he felt that someone wanted him to return to finish raising Michael.
I have wondered many times if Dan were my paternal grandfather, who died when I was eight. He lived in England, and his name was George. When I would ask Dan what his name was, when he was little, he'd say George. There have been many recorded cases of children looking through family albums, and identifying family members that died before THEY were born.
For some reason, known only to Kristoffer and God, he chose to enter the embryo that you were carrying, but changed his mind, and took his exit point. That doesn't make him any less yours. We are all part of a "soul circle", and every time we reincarnate, we stay with the same people. There have also been accounts of women meeeting their future children in their dreams, or during a near-death experience.
You have ALWAYS known Kristoffer, and you will see him again. You have been together since Genesis. He just decided not to come THIS TIME. You've had your tubes tied, but maybe he'll come as a grandchild (if you have other children), or you'll both come back together in another lifetime.
I KNOW that all of this sounds SO far-fetched, but I spent about four years researching all of this stuff after Dan passed. When you hear someone say, "God took him"; no He didn't. God loves us, so he gives US the power to make our own choices.
Like I say, I know that others will disagree with me, and that's ok, but I hope that it brings you some comfort.
Go ahead and grieve as long as you need to. Talk about him, and encourage others to talk about him. There is no timetable for greiving, despite what others say, and no one, especially men, can understand the loss of a baby. I KNOW what you mean about wondering what MIGHT have been. I do the same thing, but it wasn't for them. You will NOT forget him, even though you stop greiving.
Maybe he saw what the pregnancy was doing to your health, and was afraid for your life.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. (((HUGS))). Feel free to talk about him anytime. That's what we are here for.
Kristie, after my first little guy died 5 years ago, i joined and internet group called The Compassiate Friends. Their motto is "We need not walk alone". There are so many people there, and for sure many have walked your walk. It's good to hear from and speak to people who truly understand.
www.tcfatlanta.org
I hope it can help you find some peace.
Hol, I find what you just wrote fascinating! I have read many things since Tanner died, and belive a lot of what you believe. What did you read?? I'd love to read it, too!
Thanks!
I agree with Marcia. What you wrote was very reassuring. I don't know if you read my profile or not but I have been int to Tarot and metaphisical Spiritualism for a long time now. I also believe in God and Heaven. Some would say you can't believe in both at the same time but I believe they work hand and hand if you choose to work that way. Everybody that has posted a message to me here has helped so much. My dh was looking on here with me and can't believe that so many strangers cared so much. He says to tell you all thank you for being there because he can feel my pain because Kristoffer is his son also (and he looked at him after he was born, I couldn't) but only a woman knows what it feels like to have to go through that and he is grateful to all of you.
Hol, I would love to here more about your beliefs. You can e-mail me if you want.
Kristie and Marcia-
I attend an Episcopal church, however, I am really a member of the Universe. I, too, am into metaphysics and Spiritualism. I think that I may have once been a Druid, because I LOVE Celtic art, and I feel more at ease in the woods, or at the ocean, than I do in a city.
Some of the books that I have read:
"The Journey Home" by Phillip L. Berman
"Embraced by the Light" by Betty Eadie
"Talking to Heaven" by James Van Pragh
"In Heaven as it is on Earth" by M. Scott Peck
"The Celestine Prophecy"
"The Other Side of Heaven" (? I think) by Sylvia Browne
Other books by Sylvia Browne
"After the Light" by Kimberly Clarke
I'll have to check my personal library for more titles for you. I went on a personal journey during my bereavement, and I feel that the answers that I found explain life and "death" (tho there REALLY is no such thing), better than any one religion.
I have had my cards read, I have had Reiki (which was AMAZINGLY accurate), I have done past life regression. I regularly meditate. I also use crystals for healing and protection.
I KNOW that I was alive during the Civil War. I love the clothing and furniture from that era. When I had my Reiki session, the woman told me that I was "alive in the 1800's", then came back in the 1940's. (I was born in 1948).
My DH spent thirty years in the Army, this time around. However, he believes that he was ALWAYS a soldier. He says that he believes that he died at Gettysburg (he was strangely familiar with the area and the battlefield, when we visited. He was also very emotional). He also believes that he was in World War II. He has a fascination with that era. We believe that we were together in those incarnations. In what capacity, I don't know. Husband and wife, brother and sister, who knows? I do know that the first day I laid eyes on him, in high school, I KNEW that he would be my husband.
When some people seem to be "psychic", and read the future, I think that it is just fore-knowledge.
A lot has been said about Pat Tillman, the college football player that turned down millions in an NFL offer, to go into the Army, and go to Iraq. He felt led there. He was also killed there a few months back. He "knew" that that was his destiny.
I have FELT Dan's presence, and he has come to me in lucid dreams, so real that I can SMELL him and wake up happy, feeling that I've been in his presence. About five years ago, he warned my DD that her (then) fiance was cheating on her, by having an earring of the "other woman" come flying through the air, out of nowhere, and land at her feet.
I don't believe that Heaven is some far off place, up in the sky. I believe that is in a parallel universe, or fourth dimension, if you will, right next to us. I believe that once we leave our bodies, we move at a much higher frequency, because we are not weighed down by matter. Our souls, or essence, are ENERGY, and we know from physics, that energy can never be destroyed, it just changes form. LOVE is the purest form of energy. Love can come from many sources, but the Originator of ALL love is God. All living things vibrate with the "God spark" of energy. When you meditate, you repeat the word "Ohm", which vibrates through your body, and makes you one with the Universe. If you could hear a blade of grass, it vibrates "ohm".
Personally, even though I love my life here on Earth, and my family, I look forward to the day when I leave my body. The freedom from ego, and the confines of a body of matter.
I would love to hear your beliefs,too. I am always open to different philosophies.
Take care.
Hol,
It is so cool that we believe the same things. So many people believe that if you believe the way we do its "devil worship". I guess some are afraid of things that they don't know about. I have gotten in to wicca the past 3 years. I don't believe there are good and bad forms of wicca it's just how you use it. I also am involved in crystals and I have never had a past life regression session but I truely believe my dh and I knew each other before. The chances of us meeting were slim to none & I met him in my moms liveing room in a tiny town of 50 people. We had one friend in common & I happened to call her to see if she could come get me & he came with. I'm 28 hes 44. I was 19 when we met and he was 36. The chances of 2 people getting together and haveing a meaningfull relationship with that age diffrence can't be good. Wev'e been together 8 yrs and married 6 now. He said we met before and spent forever trying to find me again and now he has he'll never let me go. It makes it easier when your spouce agrees with your beliefs cuz if you have someone makeing fun of you it messes with you energy. Scince I started getting involved with this I have taken everybody in my life that isn't a possitive influance on me. I had so many energy vampires in my life that I couldn't heal myself because they sucked all the positive energy out of me. I LOVE Sylvia Brown. Iv'e heard of some of the books you mentioned. I haven't ever been able to relax myself enough to meditate. I've had people try and explain it to me but I just can't get it. May-be it's like my Tarot cards and my mo-jo has to be in the right place for it to work. I am just so excited that I have met you. Thank you again for all that you have written. I think I needed to be reminded of some things.
Kristie -
I don't believe that there is a contradiction between Christianity and Spiritualism, tho many will disagree with us. All of the answers for the Universe come from God, no matter what you call Him. He is the Author of all truth and life.
I believe that amazing breakthroughs in science, medicine, technology, etc., come from souls on the other side who are operating at a higher frequency, and inspire people here to impart the ideas. The word "inspire" literally means to "take in" or "breathe in".
I think that it is nessecary for us to enter the world as babies, so that we can "ease into" this world. Even though we arrive with fore-knowledge, it would be too much of a "culture shock", if you will, to leave Heaven and come directly here as adults. Did you ever meet a child who seemed like an "old soul"? Wise beyond their years. Little Mattie Stepanek passed away this week. He wrote "Heartsongs" and "Journey through Heartsongs". He was only 13, but he had "figured it out" about the way things really are, and he was so good, and gentle and wise. He had a major disability, but that disability enabled him to reach people with his message.
I believe that people who love antiques (Guilty), or are Civil War re-enactors, are really people who had an incarnation during that particular era.
Today was my DS, Dan's, birthday. He would have been 28 y/o. I went to the cemetary today, as I have done on all of his birthdays since 1997.I burn incense, as the smoke reaches Heaven, and lets them know that we are thinking of them. However, I do it to honor him, but I KNOW that he is not there. Jesus said to the women who went to the tomb on the first Easter Sunday, only to find an empty tomb, "Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen". That is the greatest promise that we can have.
I went to visit my 84 y/o mother yesterday. She is very frail, and has come to the realization that she has to sell her house, and move to assisted living. She and my Dad bought that house in 1957, and she has lived there alone for the past nineteen years since my Dad "went home".
She said, "I feel like I am leaving Dad behind". I said, "Dad doesn't need this house. Dad has a MANSION. Jesus promised that He would go and prepare a place for us".
Celtic art centers around circles. The circle is eternity. Life turns on itself, and is perpetual. We tend to only believe what we can see. If you had a beautiful bird in your yard that sang for you every morning for months, then up and left your yard after a time, and went to a neighbor's house 1/4 mile away or so, you would think that that bird was GONE, when in reality, he is only gone from YOUR sight. However, he still lives, and is enriching the lives of others. He may fly back to your yard, or you will meet him in Heaven. At any rate, he is a part of your life forever.
I will email you, so that we can talk some more.
(((HUGS))) to you, your DH, and your other child.
Peace.
BTW - I LOVE your term, "Energy Vampires". That is SO true! I, too, have done some emotional "housecleaning", and rid my life of toxic people. They just drain and exhaust you.
Hol, I have a question for you. You say you believe in reincarnation, but you also say that while you love your life on earth, you look forward to the day when you go to Heaven. If you believe you keep coming back to earth over and over again, when, exactly, do you ever stay in Heaven?
Kate,
What I believe, and I am assumeing that Hol believes this also seeing that we seem to have the same spiritual beliefs, is like she said we believe you can choose when your born and there are moments in life where you can choose to die. Heaven is a wonderful place where we go when we die. We stay there until we choose to be born again. I know all of this seems far fetched to some but this belief system has really helped me through my grief. And believe me I was CRAZY after my son died and this new age way of beliefs has given me a little sanity. Hol has opened my mind up to diffrent ways of thinking that I hadn't explored. I think it's good to learn about other beliefs.
Hol,
If I was wrong about what you meant please correct me. thats just how I understood you.
Kristie, you are right "on the money". We go to Heaven to "rest" from our labors and most recent incarnation here. We can stay as long as we like. Again, I cannot stress enough that God gives US the power (free will) to make our decisions, with His guidance. We may choose to stay for a few generations, or to come back right away. However, we DO have karma to work through, and we don't go "home" for good until we have fulfilled our karma. Just like judgment.... a LOT has been preached and written about judgment. A lot of it has been by design, by organized religion, to "scare" us into believing. A way to "control" us. I believe that WE judge ourselves. I believe that our lives are "played back", if you will, by God, for our reflection. All of the times that we have done good to our fellow creatures, we are rewarded by feeling the JOY that we brought into that creature's life (Human or animal). Howver, what we feel is MAGNIFIED many times over. Conversely...any HURT that we have caused, either intentionally, unintentionally, or by ommission, is also shown to us, and we are made to feel the PAIN that we caused, again, magnified many times over. THAT is our judgment. We judge ourselves, and try to set that karma right in the next incarnation.
It has been written MANY times, that when a person is murdered, their karma is abruptly interupted, so they will return rather quickly. Many who have written on the subject, have stated that that is why we should NEVER practice capital punishment. If we kill a "low spirit" (one who hasn't progressed to understand the way things really are), we interrupt their karma, and they will almost immediately choose an embryo to inhabit. That is why, sometimes a family will have a bunch of "good kids" and one "bad apple" that doesn't seem anything like the rest of the family. It is best to imprison those people for the rest of their life, and let them live out their karma, so that we don't have to deal with them again.
It is very reasurring to me that my Creator lets ME make the choices about my journey through eternity.
PS "High" or "Enlightened" spirits are those who have been here many times. "old souls", if you will. They are usually more peaceful people, who have figured a lot of it out. "Low spirits" are those who are very "self" centered, not very "mature" spirits, and ones who have a lot to learn, still. They are destined to return MANY times, until they get it right.
Hol, what is your take on abortion? Such a controversial subject. I have similar beliefs than you, although you have way more knowledge than I. Your posts are extremely interesting to me and have given me a much broader sense of things. I'm also trying to figure out and "get" why I give soooo much of myself to the point some days I am literally sick (exhausted, headache) because I want others to enjoy their hour or day more than I. I can't figure out why I don't treat myself well?? Of course, sometimes I end up making others miserable because of my lack of taking care of myself so in turn I'm really not giving anything, does that make sense? How do we find the answers that we are looking for to change ourselves for the better? I'm not asking for answers but if you can shed any light on this I would appreciate it very much.
BTW, Kristie and Hol I'm so sorry about your loss as well. I was literally brought to tears after reading your posts.
I'm reading a good book right now, and I know you'd enjoy it. It says so much of what you're saying. It's called "Questions from Earth, Answers from Heaven". The author is Char Margolis.
I think alot of people are afraid to tell anyone that they believe in any type of metaphisical things. Some people may think its evil but their problem is they fear what they don't understand. I was reading a book in my front yard yesturday about white wicca. Some teenagers had walked by a few times and the next thing I knew I had a parent at my gate. She had the nerve to ask me very bluntly "So are you a witch or something cuz if you are I don't want my kid to come near your house!" I, in a very rude tone, told her that my religous beliefs were none of her buisness. I told her nothing would make me happier than if her mouthy 14yr old stayed away from my house and if anything bad happens in her life she needs to blame herself because I do not have that type of power!! (shes a known drug user) I try to be careful about who I tell my beliefs to but on the other hand my beliefs are who I am. They make me, me.
marcia, That Char Margolis was on Larry King last night. I'll have to get that book. I'm going to buy all of Sylvia Browns books also.
Marcia, I'll have to check out that book. Thanks.
Kristie, I can understand how you would be upset at someone who was obviously very rude to you. However,we should never answer ignorance with anger. She obviously is not an enlightened person. You should have bluntly, but kindly, told her not to judge what she has no knowledge of. Also, that if she didn't want her daughter near your property, that that was certainly HER choice. I have come to realize in life that people are more dumbfounded if you answer them in a way that they didn't expect. And if she could see that you ARE a kind person, and not the "wicked 'witch'" that she supposed you to be, then she MIGHT broaden her thinking. (Sorry, don't need to "preach".It's just that people "know not what they do", as Jesus said.)
Lynn, as far as abortion....it IS a controversial subject. I USED to be pro-choice before Dan passed. I guess I still am, in that I am old enough to remember when abortion was illegal, and women literally died, either aborting themselves, or going to a "back alley butcher" whose methods and environment were not medically safe. You aren't going to STOP abortions. Women have been doing them since the beginning of time. WE can't judge what a woman's circumstance is. I guess I feel about abortion like I do about the two gambling casinos that are within a half hour drive of my home. I don't gamble, and would not visit a casino. However, I know many people who ENJOY that sort of entertainment. Therefore, I have no RIGHT to campaign to CLOSE the casinos. They are there, IF a person wants to frequent them. NO one is making ME go. As far as I'M concerned, they don't exist.
I feel the same about abortion. Since Dan passed, I have come to view life as a precious gift, and every baby a blessing. The BABY had no control over HOW it was conceived (be it rape, incest, etc.). IF a Mom cannot or will not care for or raise a child, I would urge her to place the child for adoption. There are SO many people who would love and cherish that child. As an adoptive Mom myself, I am very grateful for my boys, (tho, in their case, the state involuntarily terminated their Mom's rights).
That being said, however, again, we don't know the Mom's circumstances. Will having the child endanger her health? Is she not mentally and emotionally able to carry this child? Is the thought of the child's conception SO painful to her that she just wants to END the pregnancy? Those are very PERSONAL decisions.
I believe that IF she does opt for abortion, that God understands, and the soul of that baby understands. That soul will get another chance to come to Earth, if it so chooses. Maybe that particular soul CHOSE to inhabit a baby that it KNEW would be aborted because there were folks already here that had lessons to learn.
A few years ago, a book came out called, "The Help of the Helpless". It was about a young man, who from birth, was TOTALLY incapacitated. He needed to be fed, bathed, rolled over etc.. He lived to be nineteen years old. The family wrote the book about how MUCH thay had learned from their loved one, both through caring for him, and from his beautiful spirit. THAT person CHOSE to come to earth in that incarnation, as a "helpless" person, so that the souls of others could grow and learn. There was a young man in our church about twenty five years ago, that was just like that young man. He came to church in an ambulance, and had to be wheeled in on a gurney. However, he was the SWEETEST soul, who just had so much LOVE and warmth for everyone. People would flock around his stretcher to talk with him. He had a surprisingly good sense of humor, and was a JOY to talk to.
GOD did not strike him with the "fickle finger of fate", (ala "Monty Python"), and decide that he would come to Earth to 'suffer'. HE chose to come to teach others, so that THEIR souls could grow and progress. How else would we learn compassion? How else would we learn to be GRATEFUL for OUR blessings?
I just picked up a book at a book sale the other day, called "Heaven and Earth - Making the Psychic Connection", by James Van Praagh. He is one of my FAVORITE authors. He explains a LOT of what we have talked about. (I guess you can tell that I am a 'book-worm'. LOL!
Lynn - I split this post up into two, since it is so long. I have written a long post and had my server go down, and lost it, so I decided to make good while I could.
When, through a LOT of reading and studying, I came to believe the way I do, it was what Oprah calls an "aha" moment. It was like, in school, when you struggle and struggle with a math problem. Some seem to "get it", clear as day, and you just can't. Then..all of a sudden...the answer is RIGHT THERE, and it was RIGHT THERE all along, but NOW you GET IT!! I have come to believe that ALL belief systems, aka 'religions', have something to teach us. If we limit our horizons, either beacuse of culture or fear, we are SO shortchanging ourselves. God is the author of ALL knowledge. Think how BORING our life would be if we ate the same food all the time, because we were afraid to try anything new. It would keep us alive, but all the wonderful flavors that we would miss! We would just be eating to sustain us, but not really making eating the joyous experience that it is intended to be. How much more we enjoy eating when we try Mexican food, Asian food, Italian food, etc.. We can take the BEST of ALL the different cuisines have to offer. God wants us to have JOY. Not just exist, but to LIVE life. To EXPERIENCE it. Sure, there are lots of twists and turns in the road, and plenty of potholes, that, at times, feel like they are swallowing us up. However, it is all part of the Sacred contract that we made with God, before we came. And everything that we choose comes with His approval, so He is always there to guide us, as well as our Angels and our Spirit Guides.
As far as why you strive to PLEASE others...boy, have I been there!! It probably has several reasons. First and foremost, you are probably a loving, caring person, who truly loves to NURTURE and make everyone comfortable and happy. However, that being said, if you are like me, there is also a less altruistic reason. Part of you wants to be RECOGNIZED, VALIDATED, NOTICED. Something in your past (either this incarnation or past ones, remember..we bring our karma with us) made you feel insignificant, unimportant, invisible. You want and NEED the recognition that someone's gratitude would give you.
You always try so HARD, and always put others first, because you are hoping that your loved ones will recognizeand honor your sacrifice, and be 'ever' so grateful.
Our exhaustion comes because we don't often GET the reactions that we seek from our loved ones. Either they are so wrapped up in their own agenda, that they just take you for granted. "Old reliable", that everyone can count on. Or, sometimes humans can be quite perverse, and will withold the very thing that we are seeking. Most of the time, this is not a CONSCIOUS decision on their part.
We feel exhausted, drained and frustrated because we feel that NOTHING we do is acknowledged or appreciated, and we get resentful, (again, most times, on a subconscious level). It's called co-dependency. Again...LOL...I can recommend a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
I KNOW where my codependency came from. A Mom that I could NEVER please. I called it the "Yeah, but" syndrome. I got a "B" on my report card. "Yeah but..it wasn't an A". (It wasn't a C, either. LOL!)
I had to learn that I am just as important as anyone else. That I, too, needed to be nurtured, and if I wasn't going to get it from those in my circle, then I would value and nurture myself.
I know, I know...that goes against the way women are raised and conditioned. WE are the care-givers. WE see to everyone's needs. However, we are much BETTER caregivers IF we take care of ourselves first. We have more energy and vitality, and we won't resent others for what we crave from them, but do not get.
It took me a LONG time to realize that that ISN'T being selfish! That it's actually making me a BETTER mother, wife, daughter, friend because I value myself, as well as those around me.
It all comes down to realizing that God wants YOU, Lynn, to have JOY! As much joy as you are trying to give to others. By taking care of YOU, you take BETTER care of them. Does that make sense?
It took me a LOT of work and study to realize that I am as precious in God's sight as any other of His creatures.
Another thing that I learned is this...have you ever found yourself having the same kind of person or situation keep repeating itself in your life? You will meet the same type of person at three different places of employment, for instance. Or the same type of obnoxious neighbor in three different neighborhoods. Some people keep getting into a romantic relationship with the same type of person that they broke up with.
Pay CLOSE attention when that happens!! There is a soul lesson there! Something unfinished in your karma. As soon as you learn whatever it is that you are supposed to learn, you'll no longer keep running into that kind of person or situation that had kept repeating itself in your life. I can attest to that, as it has happened to me, as soon as I realized what it was that I was supposed to learn.
Boy, am I wound up!! Sorry to be so long! However, my life became so much more FREE and JOYFUL when I figured it all out. It helped me to heal the grief of Dan's passing (I won't say 'lose' because I DIDN'T lose him. He is part of my soul circle for eternity), and I can SO relate to you, Kristie, when you said that you thought that you would lose your mind.
I, too, love this subject, and could go on and on. Feel free to ask me anything. I truly believe that ONE of the reasons that Dan went "home", was for me to learn so that I can help others like yourself. Also, so that I could be 'Mom' to my two sweet, adopted DS's.
(((HUGS))) to you all. Peace.
PS..like you haven't heard enough already... LOL!
If you work in a profession that involves a lot of one-on-one with others, i.e...nursing,therapist, physical therapist,massage therapist, paramedic, etc., it is VERY easy for people to DRAIN you of your energy. When you touch another person, or work in close proximity with them, you break their aura, and they break yours. You tap into THEIR energy field, and they, yours.
I am a hairdresser, by profession. I don't work outside the home at the present time. However, when I did, I was always touching people (shampooing, scalp massages, facials, etc).Touching the HEAD is especially powerful. That is where our "third eye" chakra is, and also where our soul exits our body at the time of physical death. That's why many religions practice the "laying on of hands" for healing.
It is VERY important to restore your own balance, and refresh your own energy after being with others. Drink LOTS of water. Practice some deep breathing exercises, and meditate. Go to your own "inner space" and just blank your mind, letting God and your Spirit guides refresh you. You need to CENTER yourself again.
I have picked up negative energy from clients that left me drained and exhausted. I wasn't very good about restoring my own equilibrium when I worked on clients, and consequently, my thyroid gland "crashed", and I became very debilitated until I got medical help and thyroid medication. So, take care of yourself.
I have to say Hol when ever I see that ouv'e posted something I rush to read it. I just have never found anyone with the same belief system as me. I kinda stumbled apon all this myself and taught myself. When I started really researching was when I also had that "aha" moment. It was a big moment when everything came together & out of nowhere things started to make scence. I don't really use the word "religion". I say Faith because it seems to work better for what I believe. Besides, in my Bible the word "religion" isn't in there. But the word Faith is in there alot!!!
As for the "lady" (I use that term loosely) that accused me of being a "witch", her daughter WILL NOT walk on my side of the street any more. And in all honesty I'm glad because she is a little 14 yr old trouble maker. She throws garbage all around the neighborhood and is walking around all hours of the night. (we don't live in the best part of town at all but its what we can afford) The funny thing about this is that little girl thought that she would get the other kids to be scared of me or something cuz she told them all kinds of crazy made up stuff about me!! Well, it just made the other kids want to come over and they started to ask me all kinds of questions. Like (get this) can I bring people back from the dead, can I float, Do I have a cauldren for makeing potions, Can I make a potion or spell that wuold make their little siblings leave them alone. They asked a bunch of other stuff too but you get the idea that the kids are between 13 & 15. It was so funny. I told them that I could not do any of those things because first of all they are all for personal gain. And if you wish any thing bad on someone it will come back on you. They all understood what karma is. Its just funny cuz this girl and her mom tried to turn all the kids against me and ended up makeing us meet and talk and I bet in no time I'll be on first name basis with all of them. They were curious & the gossip about me just fueled it. It was great.
I have a brother in law that is a energy vampire. I avoid him because at this exact point in time I can't afford to loose any of my positive energy. 10 days to go until it will be two years scince Kristoffer died. I've been so good and now that I just typed that I'm crying. Emotions are weird and thats one reason Ive been at home alot latley cuz I never know when I'm gonna do this. Anyway Hol again I love reading everything you post and it really does help!!!
HOl, thanks for your reply. You should consider writing a book. I'm sort of like the student and you the teacher. LOL. Anyways, I don't know much about Karma, angels, stuff like that. I will have to pick up some books to learn more. I can tell you I have had so many family members I have had to "let go" and thus they hate me because of it. Some do drugs, drink, fight, etc...when I had my kds I had to make the right choice. I've always had a mom who has been so draining, it is so bad she only calls me when she is upset about something and truthfully I strongly believe she is mentally unstable. Lately I have slowly been distancing myself from her. Of course she is so wrapped up in herself she has nothing to do with my kds (sometimes she "pretends" asks how they are doing but I can tell she is just asking cause she "thinks" she should. Anyways, I love to read your posts too. Question, I suppose books would be a good start to finding the answers I am looking for. Sounds like you have put the "puzzle" together. Also sounds like you put alot of effort into it. I really do have alot on my plate re: emotional vampires!! I also feel soooo confused as to "what I am supposed to learn", as you said about running into the same kind of person. I know exactly what you are saying. The only thing I can think of is that I don't speak my mind, if something they do is upsetting me, like when I babysit, this one lady picks up her child very late in the day, most often. She says sorry and I stand there and say, "don't worry about it". Of course I felt the opposite before she walked in the door! This lady intimidates me, I'm passive she is aggressive (not assertive) btw, I get along with assertive gentle people the BEST...My sister (aggressive) who I know longer talk to anymore...you might say she was a bully. Every time she would say something mean to me my mind would draw a blank because I was so shocked at the fact that she would/could say something like that to me. Of course, AFTER THE FACT I would always think of a reply. Anyways, I've taken up enough of your time. Bye for now. 
Lynn and Kristie - Thank you for the compliments. I am no great "sage". I have just been alive (this time) for 56 years, had a lot of life experiences, and a fair amount of heartache. In Colonial days, every village had what they called the "wise woman". She was a post-menopausal 'crone' that used to conjure up potions, and people went to for advice and healing. They were the fore runners to herbal medicine. Usually she lived alone, and was a little eccentric! LOL! She probably just passed on whatever she had learned from this experience called "life".
Kristie, I KNOW how hard anniversaries of a passing are, ESPECIALLY your child. The only advice that I can give you, is to do something that day to HONOR Kristoffer. Continue to write him letters. (journalling saved my sanity when I was in my worst grief). If you have a garden, work in the soil. It is very grounding, as we are all made from "dust". I LOVE the smell of EARTH after a thunderstorm. Buy a children's book for the library. (You can inscribe the front in memory of Kristoffer).Write poems to him, and put them in a scrapbook. If you knit or crochet, make a baby blanket and donate it to the local children's hospital. I'm sure that you can think of even more ideas.
I LOL when I read the questions that the kids asked you. Aren't kids wonderful, tho? They have such innocence.
Lynn, your Mom sounds a lot like mine. My Mom also has GUILT down to a science. How the doctor told her that she "shouldn't live alone anymore, and where was her family, anyway?". And how "wonderful" my cousins are to THEIR Mom. When we have Moms like that, we grow up trying to be a "people pleaser". Strong people intimidate us, because we wish we could be assertive. However, if we are, we are afraid that people won't like us. BTDT!!!
Just remember, that YOU are just as worthy of respect and consideration as anyone else. Again, I'm afraid that that comes with age. As you get older, you care less and less what people think of you. That's what's great about being elderly. You can say (and dress, LOL) anyway you want.
We bring traits with us from other incarnations, as they are issues we need to conquer in order to be truly free.
Thank you again, for your kind words. I, too, enjoy YOUR posts very much.
Hol, I had the BEST weekend! Not only did my ds's have a great time I made sure I did too! Take care, and thanks again.
Kristie and Lynn - I just bought two FANTASTIC books! One is "Born Knowing" by John Holland. The other one is "Everything Happens for a Reason" by Suzanne Northup.
Ever since I got them, I can't put them down! They are about EXACTLY what we have been talking about. I got them from amazon.com, and they were not expensive at all.
I highly recommend them. Best wishes to you both.
Thanks Hol, I will check them out.
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